In this Relationship UPGRADE, Deb DeArmond offers encouragement to grandparents who must deal with their children’s divorce and the own desire to build an ongoing legacy with their grandchildren.
“When the family divides, grandparents may find themselves excluded,” Deb said. “How to manage? It may not be easy, but it is simple. Face it with G-R-A-C-E!”
Grandparenting can be a rewarding experience, but I (Dawn) know many difficulties can arise when divorce is involved. It helps to have some solid strategies to build relationships with the grandkids.
Deb continues . . .
“It’s in the wee hours when my defenses are down, that my heart breaks all over again,” Sandy says explaining to friends how the absence of her grandson, Charlie, affects her. “Being without him is tough, to say the least.”
A strained relationship following her son’s divorce led to her daughter-in-law’s decision to keep Charlie from Sandy and her husband.
Unfortunately, their story is familiar for grandparents everywhere.
When the family divides, grandparents find themselves excluded, praying for a few sweet moments with a much-loved grandchild.
Divorce can create disruption in the relationship. But other issues may factor in:
- A rebellious or prodigal child may punish his parents by withholding the grandchildren.
- A strained relationship between you and your child’s spouse can be an issue.
- The stress of seeing your grandchildren raised in an environment you find unsafe, unhealthy or chaotic can be difficult. Your comments may put you on the “no visit” list.
- Grandchildren are sometimes used to extract something of value from the grandparents in exchange for time together.
Children are busy today. School, church, sports and other activities keep them on-the-go. There may be little time for grandparent visits.
So what are grandparents to do? Face it with G-R-A-C-E.
G - Give it to God.
Focus on calming thoughts and let go of what you can’t control. Search out and write down “God replacements” – thoughts and scripture that reassure.
1 Peter 5:7 is a great place to start.
“Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you” (NKJV).
God knows the hurt of rejection. Seek His comfort by giving hurts to Him.
R - Recharge yourself.
Sorrow can bring loneliness, grief, even depression to “forgotten” grandparents. “I had to learn to live a new normal,” Sandy remarked.
Exercise, good nutrition, and patience help to recharge emotional batteries. Choose activities that restore you spiritually.
Friends who’d had similar experiences brought comfort and insight to Sandy. “They helped me understand that peace and joy in life is still possible, even if you don’t get to see a beloved grandchild for many years.”
A - Adjust your expectations.
Our adult children have families, careers and responsibilities. We become guests (hopefully, honored guests) in their lives.
Your grandchildren may be raised differently than the way you raised your own.
Different is not always wrong; it’s just different. If you measure their parenting using yourself as ruler, they’ll always come up short. Raising kids is tough duty. Pray for your grandchildren and their parents.
We play second fiddle in this band, but the music can still be sweet.
C - Communicate!
Do it often and without judgment. Call frequently. Send notes, cards, and photographs. Keep at it, even if they go unanswered. Do what you can and let God manage the results.
Don’t put grandkids in an awkward position by asking about mommy and daddy or blaming their parents for missing time together. Keep adult issues between adults.
E - Educate yourself.
Paper and pen may be your preference, but computers, texting, and social media are tops with today’s kids. My 83 year-old mother-in-law is computer savvy and active on Facebook. She knows what’s going on in the life of her kids, grandkids, and great grands by following their activity. She knows their prayer needs as she’s part of their everyday lives.
It may not be easy, but it is simple. So . . . what’s your first step to face it with G-R-A-C-E?
Love Last, reveals the power