Cynthia Ruchti's novels and nonfiction works often encourage people to reflect on life, love 
and change. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she helps us focus on loving our aging parents.
"Why did I wait so long," Cynthia says, "to figure out my mother-in-law’s love language?"
Oh wow. Do I (Dawn) relate to that! It took me years to discover how to relate to my dear mom-in-love. But once I understood, that relationship blossomed.
Cynthia continues . . .
Her message on our answering machine was simple but poignant: “Where are these people? Why can’t I ever reach them?”
My mother-in-law’s voice shook with emotion.
I didn’t hear her message until I returned from a long, tiring, but rewarding week-long conference. My husband had been home but hadn’t reached the phone before our answering machine kicked in. He’d quickly assured her he was there, right where she expected him to be.
But I couldn’t shake the quaver in her voice when I listened to the message after I returned home. It represented so much more than disappointment.
Her words symbolized a gap between our lives, between our methods of marking time—enough/not enough—and my understanding of her deepest need.
Although she’s almost 1,500 miles away from us, she lives on the same property as my sister-in-law, so we’re confident Mom has what she needs physically. Someone is watching out for her best interests.
But that closeness to her daughter sometimes lulls us into thinking her needs are met.
One of her felt needs is the assurance we care. To her, if we’re not present to answer the phone, we don’t care. Or we’re too busy for her.
Maybe the fact that travel is part of my job is harder on her now that she can’t physically travel, too.
Her love language must be quality time.
And neither my husband nor I considered how to honor that when loving her from a distance.
We’re not alone. Many live too far away from their aging parents to be involved in day-to-day care or to show up for often for a quality time visit.
When distance is an issue, how can we bridge the gap? How can we upgrade the way we love our aging parents?
- Initiate the calls. Don’t wait to be called.
- Call more frequently than you imagine necessary.
- Listen leisurely, whether the stories are stale or fresh.
- Collect tidbits of information your aging parent might find interesting.
- Call on days that are important to your parent, but also call just because.
As I wrote the recent release—As My Parents Age—I remained immersed in the subject of caring for aging parents, even though my father and mother died in 1993 and 2010, respectively. And respectfully.
I Peter 4:8 (AMP) lingered in my mind while I wrote, and returns to redirect me often:
“Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”
As I reviewed my list of UPGRADE suggestions, I was impressed with its connection to loving our God, who is both here (through the Spirit) and distant (not seeing Him face-to-face until well into the future).
Can I—can we—demonstrate our love in similar ways?
- Initiate communication with God. Don't wait for Him to have to tap us on the shoulder to remind us about our relationship.
- Pray more frequently than we imagine necessary. It will keep us in step with His directives and pace.
- Listen leisurely in prayer, but to old stories and to new.
- Watch for reasons to praise Him, to express gratitude, to celebrate with Him.
- Remember Him uniquely on His "special days," but connect with Him just because. It's a sign of a healthy relationship.
Whether it’s your parent or God who needs an “I love you and I’m thinking about you” call, when will you follow-through?
Cynthia Ruchti tells stories hemmed-in-Hope through more than 20 novels, nonfiction, 
devotionals, and through speaking events for women or writers. She and
her grade-school sweetheart husband live in the heart of Wisconsin, not far from their three children and five (to date) grandchildren. You can learn more about her and her books here, including her recent release, As My Parents Age.
Graphic adapted, courtesy of stephiejo at Pixabay.