Why Do I Do What I Do Wrong?

Kathy Collard Miller is an author and speaker who encourages women to apply practical principles from the Word of God. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she explores some ways to find the underlying causes of destructive responses.

We’ve all said things like, “He makes me feel…” or “I feel bad when she does that.” But the truth is we are responsible for our own choices," Kathy says. "Putting that into practice can actually diminish unwise choices."

I (Dawn) think that is fascinating because so many people think they can grit their teeth and swear to never respond hurtfully again. I've done this—haven't you? Kathy's insights help us consider the "why" behind our responses.

She continues . . .

It’s easy to blame a person or circumstance for the way we’re acting, but the truth is our wrong reactions have a long history.

It’s true for all of us. We see the pain we cause others or even ourselves, and it seems like we should just grab God’s power and never do it again. But there are reasons for our continuing ungodly choices.

Here’s how to discover and correct the underlying causes.

 1. Look to the past to see the beginning.

When painful things happen to us as children, we blame ourselves. We “hear” a message that somehow “I’m the cause. I must be hopeless, unloveable, incapable," etc.

When I was molested as an eight-year-old, I felt like a shameful little girl who should have prevented it from happening:

“I better act perfectly to hide my dirtiness.”

Of course those were lies, but I believed them.

Anytime someone implied I should do a better job at something, I became angry— blaming them; I didn’t want to be exposed as imperfect.

As an adult, by seeing the lies I was believing, I replaced it with God’s truth:

I wasn’t responsible for the abuse, and God loves me even though I’m imperfect.

Author Mike Wilkerson writes, “It’s not our raw experiences that determine our lives but the meaning we make of them—the stories we tell and the stories we believe.”

2. Look to the present to see the threat.

Every time we react sinfully (anger, contempt, procrastination, passive/aggressive, etc.) we feel like someone or something is threatening our good self-image, our comfort, our finances—anything we value.

Many times what we value become “idols.” We “worship” those rather than looking to God to define, comfort, or provide for us.

James wrote, “Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil” (4:15-16).

The most difficult thing is surrendering to however God allows people to treat us or circumstances to assail us.

That doesn’t mean we never share our opinions or take action. But instead of automatically reacting, we must seek God first. Just because it seems “natural” to respond our usual way, we may not be reacting “supernaturally” in God’s power. Blaming, worry, defensiveness and other ungodly reactions seem to protect us but don’t bring glory to God or fulfill His will.

3. Look to God’s perspective of the person or situation.

When we overreact, we take other people’s actions personally. We feel like we’re back to being blamed, labeled or attacked like we were as children.

But most of the time, that person is just trying to protect themselves. It’s not about us, it’s about their insecurity or lack of trust in God.

And any difficult circumstances is God’s gift of transforming us, not to destroy us. Instead of fighting off the “threat,” we can look through God’s eyes of love and grace.

One perspective is to have “godly sorrow.” Godly sorrow sees another person’s attack as hurting them, not us.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “I am speaking the truth in Christ—I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit—that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh.” (Romans 9:1-3 ESV).

Can you imagine that kind of surrender?

Paul didn’t take their attacks personally; he wanted the best for them.

God can empower us to have that kind of reaction. We can be gracious as we speak the truth in love.

Which of those three insights would you like to concentrate on so that your “natural” reactions can turn into “supernatural” reactions?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Visit her website/blog and discover more about her speaking ministry here. Kathy has authored many magazine articles and more than 50 books, including Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries and her newest book Choices of the Heart, a Bible study, available here. The insights in this blog are based on her book Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today found here.

Graphic: courtesy of PourquoiPas, Pixabay.

Do You Believe God Is 'Almighty'?

Our beliefs, Dawn Wilson says, motivate our actions. In this Spiritual Life UPGRADE, she challenges us to think about what we sing and say regarding God's "might."

Ever have a song get stuck in your brain and you ended up singing it all day long? That was me with the hymn, "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty."

As I sang about the God of Creation who "wondrously reigneth"—the One who by the power of His might uplifts and sustains all He has made, the One who prospers our work and defends us, the One who deserves our praise and adoration forever—I suddenly stopped singing.

"Do you believe that?"

Now I'm not sure if that voice was the Lord asking me about the strength of my faith or the enemy tempting me to doubt God's nature (maybe it was a bit of both), but I knew I couldn't ignore that question. What we believe motivates our actions.

So I started thinking about God's might, and opened my Bible because I want to base what I believe on solid truth. Here are some things I discovered.

1. God the Almighty has the ultimate power over all His creation.

He created all things (Genesis 1:3). Everything from the tiniest organism to the largest whales, from a grain of sand to the expansive universe. He made and sustains everything through His power and might.

The Lord first shared His name, "God, the All-powerful One," (El Shaddai) with Abram in Genesis 17:1, saying, "I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless." We see the name again in communications with and between the biblical patriarchs (Genesis 28:3; 35:11; 43:14; 48:3; and 49:25).

God wanted Abram and his descendants to know He is not at all like the gods of the nations surrounding Israel. His power is beyond all other powers in the great universe He created. His power is unlimited and great (Job 37). 

He does as He pleases because He is the sovereign God! (Psalm 115:3; Isaiah 46:9-10; Daniel 4:35) His purposes cannot be stopped. He is eternally good and just and we have no right to accuse Him when we don't understand His ways (Job 40:2; Romans 9:20-21).

We can take refuge in His strong love and protection (Psalm 46:1; Proverbs 18:10).

2. God the Almighty performs wonders and miracles.

The Lord does "marvelous things beyond number" (Job 9:10). He can do more in and through us than we can ever think to ask or even imagine (Ephesians 3:20). This should inspire us to come boldly to the throne of God and ask for great things (Hebrews 4:16), because God may want to give them to us for our good and for His glory.

Sometimes, I think, God even more honored when we don't know what to ask — when we simply see where He is working and hop on board. It's not our agenda we ask Him to bless, but rather His mighty plans, that He may alllow us to participate in with joy.

God is working in powerful and mighty ways. We just need to be alert to see Him at work!

3. God the Almighty is awesome and great.

Moses described Him as the "God of Gods and Lord of Lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God" (Deuteronomy 10:17). When we come to the Lord, we must come with a sense of awe, wonder and holy fear.

The name "God Almighty" should inspire us to revere Him and give Him the glory due His name (Psalm 29:1b-2; 1 Samuel 12:24). His splendor is beyond our comprehension.

Just spend some time looking at the stars to get a tiny glimpse of God's might and majesty.

The heaven's declare His glory, and all things He has made are evidences of His "eternal power and divine nature" (Psalm 19:1-3; Romans 1:20).

4. God the Almighty will righteously judge those who reject Him.

We don't like to think about this aspect of God's might, but it is true. Revelation 19:15 describes the "recompense" of God—the "fury of the wrath of God the Almighty."

The Lord desires for all to be saved, but some will not believe the gospel of Christ (1 Timothy 2:4; 2 Thessalonians 1:8). (The Apostle Paul recognized the importance of praying for and evangelizing the lost, because we do not know the hearts of men.)

He is the Maker and the Master! Someday every knee will bow before Him (Romans 14:11; Philippians 2:10).

5. God the Almighty draws us into a personal relationship.

God said to Moses, "...I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac and Jacob as God Almighty, but by my name the LORD I did not make myself known to them" (Exodus 6:2-3).

It is this aspect of the Almighty God that most touches my heart.

When God the Son came in the flesh to die on a cross so our sins could be forgiven, the true wonder of His might was made manifest in our hearts. Jesus died to redeem us, reconcile us and  restore us to the Father. 

Anyone who trusts in this provision by the Almighty One will find sweet refuge (Psalm 91:1-2; Proverbs 14:26).

God, the Almighty, protects His own. This does not mean we will not suffer—maybe even a martyr's death—but that our refuge is in Christ forever. We are rescued and we will not perish (John 3:16-17; Romans 8:31-39). The Lord is "mighty to save"! (Zephaniah 3:17)

6. God the Almighty evidences power in His children.

One of the blessings of our restored relationship with God is His power working in and through us.

"...be strong in the Lord, relying on His mighty strength" (Ephesians 6:10)

"...The people who do know their God shall be strong, and do exploits" (Daniel 11:32).

The hymn encourages us:

"Ponder anew what the Almighty can do, if with His love He befriends you."

Do you believe God is Almighty? How does believing that motivate your life? Are you seeing God's power manifest in your life and ministry?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts and a writer for Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

5 Tips for Defusing Doubt

Debbie W. Wilson is no relation, but she's a sister in Christ with a similar heart. Debbie loves to help women discover the love of God and authentic faith, and counsels them to seek God's Word and ways. In this Spiritual Life UPGRADE, she deals with the subtle intent of doubt.

“Is doubt an annoying uncertainty or a diabolical scheme?” Debbie asks.

For years as a young Christian I (Dawn) was plagued by doubts about whether God could use me. My doubts grew out of lies I allowed myself to believe, rather than confronting those lies with truth. I truly appreciate what Debbie has to say here.

Debbie continues . . .

Decision time had arrived. I wanted to say, “no,” but doubts accused me of wimping out. If you had faith you’d say yes to this opportunity.

I’ve learned that what feels like paralyzing indecision may be Satan’s attempt to derail me from God’s plan.

Jesus called the devil a liar (John 8:44) and the thief who “comes only to steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10). The Bible also says he’s a slanderer and accuser (Revelation 12:10).

And did you know this fiend can plant thoughts in our minds?

Scripture says he gave King David the idea to take a census of Israel (1 Chronicles 21:1-3). He told Ananias and Sapphira to lie about a gift they’d given to the church (Acts 5:3-5). He still sows thoughts in our minds today.

How do we protect ourselves from being taken in by his lies? The same way you identify your friend’s messages from someone you don’t know. Let me illustrate.

An email from a friend asked me to send her cash because she’d lost her passport. Even though the email came from my friend’s account, the message didn’t sound like her. I spotted the hoax because I knew my friend.

The better we know someone the less likely we are to be hoodwinked by an impersonation.

The better we know Jesus, the quicker we’re able to identify Satan’s scams.

Jesus said His sheep hear His voice and follow Him.

Below is an acronym to help you distinguish between the devil’s DARTS and your Shepherd’s leading. Learn to recognize the message or intent buried in your doubts.

DARTS are:

1. DESTRUCTIVE: sent to rob and destroy.

Their purpose is to draw us away from God’s good and satisfying will. They push us toward something we feel uneasy about by causing us to doubt the validity of our reservations. Or they pull us away from something good. You’ll feel out of place in a Bible study group.

In contrast, Jesus’ words bring life and peace.

2. ACCUSING: condemning, criticizing, and blaming.

DARTS tell us how selfish and rebellious we are to want something or how cowardly we are not to do something.

The devil misused Scripture when he tempted Jesus.

If a verse oppresses you, the enemy is twisting it. If you weren’t so selfish, cowardly, or unforgiving, you’d….

Jesus never uses guilt, shame or bullying to motivate us.

3. RULE-ORIENTED: relying on standards for righteousness instead of Jesus’ imputed righteousness.

These thoughts badger us to ignore our reservations. They tell us we are bad people for not doing what they demand.

For example: Good Christians sacrifice. If you don’t help him, how will he ever know Christ’s love?

Jesus reminds us that our righteousness is found in Christ, not in our performance. “The righteous shall live by faith” (Rom. 1:17), not by guilt and fear.

4. TEMPTING: offering ways to meet our needs apart from God.

People will respect you if…

or Hurry, you’ll miss out!

Jesus infuses us with courage to stand alone, to wait, to be still and know.

5. SLANDEROUS: maligning the character of God, others, or ourselves.

God doesn’t care about you.

Or, Your spouse doesn’t love you.

Jesus reminds us that He is with us, for us, interceding and guiding. His Spirit bears witness with ours that we belong to Him.

When God showed me the nature of my doubts, I was able to confidently say “no” without guilt.

I wasn’t being a wimp or selfish. I was following my Shepherd.

The next time you’re faced with confusion, uncover the intent of your doubts. Then follow your Shepherd with confidence.

Ask yourself, “Is this legitimate doubt or a diabolical DART? Would my Shepherd talk to me like this?”

Debbie W. Wilson, drawing from her personal walk with Christ, twenty-four years as a Christian counselor, and decades as a Bible teacher, speaks and writes to help people discover relevant faith. She is the author of Little Women, Big God and Give Yourself a Break. Share her journey to refreshing faith at her blog.

Graphic, courtesy of Pixabay.

Peggy Leslie's Legacy

My friend Peggy Leslie went home to heaven a few days ago. Since then, I've thought a lot about her legacy.

Yes, there were all the women who sat under her solid Bible teaching, and those who read her co-authored* mystery novels, and those who were blessed by her ministry in the church library. Her ministry in these and other places of service was sincere and deep, practical and always honoring Christ.

But Peggy's greatest legacy is in her children and grandchildren - those she and her beloved husband Gene (married 52 years) loved and taught so well. Most of all, I remember how Peggy loved to pray for every member in her family: her five grown children, the married children's spouses, and all her precious grandchildren. 

She told me once how she prayed for each child on a separate day. I remember being so convicted that I did not pray nearly enough for those I loved ... and that all changed for me because of Peggy's influence.

I am sharing this adapted version of a post she wrote for UPGRADE in April of 2015. (It's short and simple - but don't mistake how wise her words were!) I chose to run her words again to remind her family and friends what an extraordinary woman of God she was (and is).

As if they'll ever need reminding.

I love you, Peggy. I'm thankful for eternity.

I wonder if there will be "sweet tea" in heaven?

Dawn

“'Opposites' are supposed to be two different things. Right? So, how did I get five opposites in my five children?”

Our first three children were born in less than three years. Even before the first reached kindergarten, I observed that from the beginning each one, though in many ways like the others, was different from his or her siblings.

Karen, our firstborn, had a beautiful Sunshine Girl smile and could be very entertaining. Yet overall she was somewhat reserved, definitely not a chatterer.

Chuck, on the other hand, was one of those outgoing children who never met a stranger. We said he was “born talking.”

Scott was the observant one and the one most likely to share deep feelings. One day little Scottie came to me and said, “Mommy, I feel sad.” None of the others ever did that voluntarily.  

The differences continued as Kate (the sweet little “ham” and born teacher) and April (the sensitive musician) came along.

In the beginning I knew nothing about studies on temperaments, A-B-C-D “types,” or birth-order. But as I observed—and dealt with—each child’s idiosyncrasies, I concluded that to a point, each of my children was “born that way.” 

God had designed each one with a unique, inborn make-up that Gene and I needed to recognize.  

Here are a few things I learned along the way—some of which I wish I’d figured out sooner!

1. Pray, pray, PRAY to know how to “Train up your child in the way he should go . . . " (Proverbs 22:6)—which will usually be quite different from his siblings!

Gene and I have always prayed for our children, but for a long time in a kind of haphazard way, and usually individually. Many years ago, we came up with a plan.

We call it SPD—Special Prayer Day.

With seven in the family, each gets his or her own SPD. On that day, I usually contact that one by phone call, text or email and ask:

“Do you have any SPRs [Special Prayer Requests] today?”

I cannot count the number of blessings and answers and special moments that has brought to our family.  

Come up with you own plan. Just be sure to pray!

2. Observe each child so you’ll recognize differences and know the way that one should go.

3. Celebrate each one’s uniqueness.

Don’t try to force one into an area he’s not good at (sports, music, drama, etc.).

Don't expect, or try to make, one child like another one.

4. Encourage talents or skills God put there by providing ways to enhance them (sports sign-ups, music lessons, etc.).

5. Discipline when a child uses those talents and skills in inappropriate ways.

To me, those last two hints envelope the meaning of Ephesians 6:4b: ...bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

6. Pray. It bears repeating!

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her" (Provrbs 31:28).

* NOTE: Peggy Leslie and Donna Jeremiah co-authored and published two Christian mystery novels: Storm over Coronado and Intrigue in Coronado.

God Harvests Fruit From Mentoring Seeds

With wise words and sweet songs, Dr. Gail Bones invites women to a place of change in Christ and the cross. In this unique UPLIFT/Mentoring UPGRADE, she shares a personal note from someone changed by her ministry.

A decade ago, God allowed me to mentor a younger woman in ministry," Gail says. "Years later, she wrote to thank me for equipping her to invest in the next generation."

We don't often get an opportunity to see how God uses our ministry. I (Dawn) am so glad Gail received this tremendous blessing. It encouraged me to think how God might be using us in ways we don't yet understand.

Gail has truly been a Titus 2 woman, equipping and encouraging younger women.

Gail continues . . .

I’m grateful that the seeds I’ve planted in her life continue to produce a rich harvest.

Her words can serve as an encouragement to all who hear the call to mentor but may feel uncertain as to how to go about it.

You’ll see it took no special talent or herculean effort. We just planned to spend regular time together walking and talking. 

Be inspired by some of her cherished words to me about our mentoring relationship:

Thank you for loving me so well. You cared about the things I cared about. You let me lead out in conversation about things that were on my heart and mind without making me feel silly or juvenile for giving my attention to things that, looking back, seem so shallow.

You affirmed and pointed out my strengths. You let me plan a party for my young adult group at your house and afterwards said, "You are really good at putting on events and bringing people together.” You gave me the confidence to continue to have people over often, even now. 

You told me I had the gift of exhortation and, because of your affirmation, I ask God to use my voice in that way as I minister to the people He entrusts to my care.

One of my deepest cares was whether I’d ever get married. You always told me I was beautiful inside and out, and helped me to believe that God did in fact have someone very special for me who would see me that way too.

You shared your life with me, and were vulnerable, letting me into the good, the bad and the ugly of your life. My admiration for you grew deeper as my understanding of the Lord and his grace through your story changed me. This became part of the spiritual foundation I stand on today, and the hope I cling to in times where I feel like I’ve lost my way. Through your story, I learned that God is gracious, and not only is He gracious, He is good. When we search for him we find he is loving, compassionate, and forgiving.

You were also honest about marriage and family, finances and your self-doubt. That honesty prepared me for my own marriage and life as an “adult.” You gave me the confidence to take life head-on and to not be so afraid.

When I cried, you cried, and you taught me that emotions were okay. Watching you cry made me feel like women can be strong and they can be emotional; the two can co-exist.

You inspired me to read, something that I still love to do today. This has opened my world to new information and wisdom that I use every day in ministry.

Thank you Gail, I love you! 

What impact could you have in the life of another as a mentor if you’d be willing to trust God’s Holy Spirit to guide you? Who is he placing in your path?

Ask the Lord to show you who He has in mind for you to mentor and be mentored by.

Dr. Gail Bones is a speaker, retreat leader, songwriter/worship leader, former professor of education and the founder of CrossWise Living, an intergenerational ministry devoted to helping people navigate change. She and her husband Jeff have two married children. From the east coast but now living in San Diego, Gail says “happiness” means always having one or more of the following in her hands: a dog leash, a sailboat rudder, bicycle handlebars, a kayak paddle, an acoustic guitar, a big fat book or a hazelnut coffee. Be blessed by her Bible studies or her newest CD, "Still," and read more about Gail at her website/blog.

NOTE: The full story of how God brought us together and began my cross-generational ministry can be found in Living CrossWise: Hope and Help for Navigating Transition.

Graphic of strawberries adapted, courtesy of Morguefile.