My sister is my mom's primary caregiver, and I have seen the mix of stress and blessings in her life. This sacrificial task of "parenting parents" is a true "Heart Choice" in so many ways.
I do not often have guest bloggers here, but when I heard author Kathy Howard wrote a book to help caregivers, I wanted to pick her brain and allow her to share from her heart.
I hope her words will encourage you as they did me.
1.
Kathy, so much has been written about the “sandwich generation”—people in their
30s and 40s who care for aging parents while supporting their own children. This whole topic of caring for parents is a rising issue with the graying of
America; but why did you decide it was time to write 30 Days of Hope for Caring for Your Aging Parents? Is this personal
for you?
This book flowed right from my life. My
father-in-law lived with my husband and me for five years before he passed
away. We juggled a host of serious health issues that required an ongoing
combination of surgeries, hospital care, inpatient rehab, and at-home physical
and occupational therapy.
At the same time, my own parents’
condition began to deteriorate. Mom’s dementia grew
worse and Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. After almost a year of hospital
visits, continued decline in their situation, and me regularly making the
8-hour round trip to their home, they finally agreed to move close to my
brother.
2.
Why did you decide to write this as a 30-day devotional?
Caregivers face daily challenges. This
particular format provides daily reminders of God’s faithfulness, strength, and
grace.
Whether the
adult child cares for their parent full-time, part-time, or shares the
responsibility with another family member, they need the regular intake of the
truth of God’s Word.
This devotional combines Scripture, biblical insight, life
experience, reflection questions, and prayer prompts to help the caregiver rest
in God’s grace and rely on His strength during this challenging season of life.
Also, the brief daily devotions more easily fit into a busy caregiver’s
schedule.
3.
Nothing is harder than watching a parent deteriorate physically (and sometimes
emotionally and mentally too). How did you deal emotionally and spiritually
with the inevitable changes you saw in your father-in-law and your parents?
I had suspected that it would be emotional for me as
my parents aged and encountered more and more physical challenges. But I was
surprised at how much the experience impacted me physically and spiritually as
well.
Many days have demanded more than I have to give and I often feel
physically exhausted and spiritually drained.
Early in the journey, I realized
that only God could supply everything I needed to care for my parents well.
Time and again I’ve had to acknowledge my dependence on Him. He has faithfully
given what I need – comfort, encouragement, spiritual refreshment and more.
4.
How does an adult child deal with an aging parent’s resistance as they grow
older and need more care? Is it just a matter of making them do what is best
for them? How can we honor our parent’s dignity and independence as we seek
God’s best for them in caregiving?
Too
often the best thing for our parents
is not the thing they want.
“Parenting” and honoring our aging parents is
challenging. More than once I’ve caught myself trying to do the right thing in
the wrong way. My frustration, impatience, and selfishness have revealed
themselves through harsh words.
In these moments, God has taught me that the
end result is not all that matters. God wants me to do what’s best for my
parents in a way that also shows them kindness and respect.
In order to speak
and act in ways both provide for and honor my parents, I must start with getting
my own heart right with God.
5.
As parents grow older, they often pour out frustration and anger over their
circumstances. Sometimes they inadvertently wound the ones they love. How have
you learned to deal with their emotions while trying to handle your own in the
process?
My
mother has wounded me more than once with her words. Intellectually, I know
it’s the dementia, but the emotions still come.
No matter our specific
situation, caregiving fosters a wide range of emotions. Although we may not be able
to control their arrival, we can choose how to respond.
For instance, with
God’s help we can resist the temptation to respond in a harmful way (1 Corinthians 10:13). When we yield to the Holy Spirit, He will fill us with the
power to obey God and show us clearly how to respond in a way that reflects His
character.
6. I’ve observed that much of caregiving is
patiently and lovingly helping our elderly parents grieve their losses. How can
we do that?
Aging
and illness bring loss. Our parents have lost pieces of their lives. They
grieve over this loss, and so do we. But the grief of loss does not have to
dominate the rest of their lives.
We may not be able to turn back the clock or
restore their health, but we can help them find new ways to feel useful, enjoy
life, and glorify God.
For instance, my father can no longer play golf, but he
still beats me at dominoes. But most importantly, let’s constantly remind them
of God’s eternal promises for them.
7.
Are there any concluding words of counsel or hope—or helpful scriptures—you
would like to share with caregivers in parenting their parents?
In
his first letter to the Christians in Thessalonica, the apostle Paul reminded
us that believers don’t have to “grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope”
(1 Thessalonians 4:13).
Those with a saving relationship with Jesus have
eternal hope – and life – through Him. Death is not the end, it is merely the
gateway to eternity.
Stay in God’s Word and immerse yourself in His eternal
promises. Think about these truths as you rise. Talk about them as you go
through your day. Hold them to your heart and impress them on your parents.
Remember His promises.
And hold on to hope.
A former “cultural Christian,”
Bible teacher Kathy Howard now lives an unshakeable faith for life and
encourages other women to also embrace real, authentic faith. Kathy is author
of 8 books, including “30
Days of Hope When Caring for Aging Parents” (May 2018). Get free
discipleship helps on her website: www.KathyHoward.org.
