How to Counter Lies about Anger

Leslie Vernick is a counselor, coach, author and speaker who loves to enrich people’s relationships. In this post, she addresses the lies people believe about anger.

“Anger is a normal part of being a human being,” she says, “but it can be a dangerous emotion and has the potential to wreck our relationships and our lives.”

I (Dawn) thought I never had an "anger issue" because I don't blow up. But the Lord showed me I can be angry under the surface. It shows up in bitterness, resentment and a host of other attitudes that are just as ugly as ungodly external anger.

Leslie continues …      

Here are the four most common lies about anger, and God’s countering truth.

1.   When I feel angry, I must let it all out.

Too much damage has been done to people we love by blurting out angry feelings in the moment of their greatest intensity. Doing this might provide some sort of relief but it is never beneficial to the hearer or the relationship. 

Proverbs 12:18 says reckless words pierce like a sword, and Proverbs 29:11 warns us, "Only a fool gives full vent to his anger."

Better ways to get some relief from intense anger are to journal or pray your honest emotions to God. 

2.    Other people or provoking situations make me angry. 

We say things like, “You make me so mad!” or “If you wouldn’t have done that, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Difficult people or situations don’t MAKE us angry, although they do tempt us. What really happens when we encounter these kinds of people is that they expose us.  Jesus tells us, “It is out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

Start to listen to your internal self-talk when you feel angry. For example, “I can’t believe this is happening to me” or “they can’t get away with this.” 

Start to understand what the real problem is that’s causing our anger to escalate. Our own thought life. Calm yourself down (with different self talk and God’s Word).

3.    I’m entitled to use my anger to get what I want—if what I want is a good thing.

Anger motivates us and helps us to speak up against wrong, as well as take action to fight against injustice and evil in our world. Because it is such a powerful force however, the apostle Paul warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Most of the time what we want is permeated with self-centered desires. James 4:1 asks us what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among us? He says it comes because we’re not getting what we want.

The Bible tells us not to merely look out for our own interests (what we want), but also the interests of others (Philippians 2:4).

4.    I have always had a bad temper and this is just the way I am. I can’t change.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he not only redeems us but he restores us. He changes us. The deeper problem that causes your anger is what needs to change.

Romans 8:5 says, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires.”

When God changes our heart, it’s not that we never get angry, but we no longer want to use our anger as a weapon to demand our own way, prove our point or make sure everyone knows we’re right. We don’t want to hold onto grudges, nurse resentment or harbor bitterness in our heart. Instead we want to forgive and reconcile.

I want to look out for the interests of others because I care about them and therefore I hold my anger in check when I’m not getting what I want and weigh that with what others might want or need.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger (or a woman’s anger) does not produce the righteous life that God desires (James1:19-20)

What triggers your anger? Have you believed any of these lies about emotionally-destructive anger?

Leslie Vernick is a national and international speaker, author, licensed clinical social worker, consultant and relationship coach with an expertise on the subjects of personal and spiritual growth, marriage improvement, conflict resolution, depression, child abuse, destructive relationships and domestic violence. She has 25 years of experience helping people enrich the relationships that matter most! Visit her website!

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