How Do I Protect Myself from Manipulation?

Debbie W. Wilson, who loves to point people to her big, BIG God, also loves to share His wisdom with people. In this Wisdom UPGRADE, she tackles the tough topic of manipulation.  

Debbie says, "A counseling professor told a woman in one of Larry's lab groups, 'Your tears don't move me.'"

That sounds heartless, but I (Dawn) understand that response. I've made the same response in a counseling format, and with good reason.

Debbie continues . . .

His words stunned the group, but the woman stopped crying.

“Those were tears of frustration,” he explained. “They weren’t tears of brokenness.”

I’ve thought of that many times when someone’s tears haven’t moved me and I wondered what was behind them.

Crocodiles shed tears when they eat their prey, but not from regret or sorrow.

Some people use tears to manipulate. Others use flattery.

If that doesn’t work, they pout or explode to get us to follow their script.

Emotional pain is real. And manipulators use it to control us—if we let them.

One family I know didn’t take a vacation the first twenty years of marriage. Every time they planned a trip, the mother-in-law became ill and asked, “How can you leave when I’m about to die?”

Giving in to manipulation is harmful—not just unpleasant.

Jesus said no one can serve two masters. Submitting to manipulation makes the wrong person lord over our time and lives.

How do we protect ourselves from being manipulated?

Recognizing manipulation is the first step.

The controllers in our lives may be blind to their tactics, but that doesn’t mean we have to be in the dark.

The ugly feelings we experience after allowing ourselves to be manipulated should inform and motivate us to create healthy boundaries.

Consider the following if you suspect you are being manipulated:

1. How do you feel after you leave this person or group? .

Guilt may be a sign someone is trying to control you.

A woman pulled aside a friend of mine one night. She complained that she didn’t have any friends. My friend prayed for the woman but left feeling guilty. On the way home, she experienced an aha moment.

The woman was a manipulator. Her guilty feelings evaporated with this understanding..

2. Are you making decisions based on what you believe is best or to avoid disappointing or angering someone? .

We want to be kind and generous, but when someone takes more than we want to give we feel taken advantage of and resentful.

God loves a cheerful giver. If I’m feeling resentful, I probably need a clearer understanding of where my responsibilities end and theirs begin.

3. Am I living to avoid pain or to pursue faith and love?

Giving in to controlling people won’t protect us, in the long run, from emotional pain. We despise our spineless compliance and resent them and anyone who reminds us of them. This isn’t love.

People who habitually let others control them may develop self-destructive habits. They mindlessly shop, eat, gamble, or drink to numb the pain of feeling used.

Faith and love are better motivators than fear and guilt.

4. Do I believe all conflict is bad?.

When some religious people tried to control a group of believers in the early church, Paul wrote, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1, NIV).

Standing firm in our God-given freedom may upset those who want to control us. But that isn’t bad.

Paul said, “No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God’s approval.” (1 Cor. 11:19 NIV).

Conflict exposes hearts. If one arises because we won’t let someone wrongly control us, it’s okay. We’re in good company.

People with religious-sounding arguments tried to control Jesus, the Apostle Paul, and the disciples. Because these men understood God’s will, they escaped their nets.

By serving one Master, we can too.

What helps you recognize and resist manipulation?

Debbie W. Wilson, drawing from her personal walk with Christ, twenty-four years as a Christian counselor, and decades as a Bible teacher, speaks and writes to help people discover relevant faith. She is the author of Little Women, Big God and Give Yourself a Break. Share her journey to refreshing faith at Debbie's blog. 

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Yomare at Pixabay.

3 Falls to Consider

In this Spiritual Life UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson suggests how considering three "falls" can help us grow in our relationship to the Lord.

We don't have to look far in our culture, and even in the church, to see the consequences of The Fall in the Garden of Eden; but there are two other "falls" that can have consequences—good ones—in our lives too.

1. The Fall of All Falls

Everything God made—man and woman, animals, plant life, the universe—was "very good," according to Genesis 1:31. Yet Adam and Eve doubted God's goodness and questioned His Word. They listened to the lie of the serpent. And it was a great fall (Genesis 3:1-24).

In "Lessons from the Fall," W. Phillips wrote, "... the serpent offered an alternative interpretation of God's motives" and called into question God's character and trustworthiness. The serpent "reduced God's Word to the level of a mere viewpoint," Phillips wrote, "while man became the measure of what is 'true for me'."

As a result, Eve deliberately decided to defy and disobey God's command (verse 6).

We see this same outworking of The Fall in mankind today.

Man questions God's Word and substitutes personal truth for God's Truth.

Because of The Fall, there are four truths still in effect today:

• What God says (God's Word) is still our measure for holiness. It's our standard for knowing and obeying the Lord and rightly relating to Him (1 Corinthians 15:45), not our viewpoints or some new standards we create.
• We still have a terrible sin problem. It's not what happened to us in our environment at any stage of life. (Even in a perfect environment, we still choose to sin.) Sin brings "death"—spiritual separation from God (Isaiah 59:2; Romans 5:12).
• Suffering is still an awful result of The Fall. Sin led to all the suffering in the past, and is at the root suffering we see today (Romans 8:20-22).
• Our only hope, our only solution, is still Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:22).
  

And that brings me to the second "fall."

2. Our Need to "Fall" before the Cross

When Adam and Eve sinned, God provided the means for rescue. Genesis 3:15—known as the "protoevangelium" (first gospel)—is God's promise of the time when Satan (the serpent, see Revelation 12:9) would be crushed by "the seed of the woman," a future savior. Many Bible teachers consider this a direct reference to Jesus.

Just as Adam represented all mankind, and sin brought death, in Christ—the believer's representative head—brings life (1 Corinthians 15:22). Galatians 2:20 says we were "crucified" with Christ ... and it's not our life we enjoy now, but His!

Life from death. Old Testament saints looked forward to that redemption; and believers today look back to the cross.

I say we must "fall" at the cross, because coming to Christ takes the true humility, the bowing of our hearts before Him. We acknowledge we have "gone astray," turning to our own way (Isaiah 53:6). We admit our understanding is "darkened" and our hearts are hard (Ephesians 4:18).

God calls us to fall before Him (in our heart, if not our body) in repentance and faith (Acts 11:18; 2 Peter 3:9; 2 Corinthians 7:10; John 3:16; Romans 10:9-13).

Falling at the cross means fully embracing God's amazing grace.

In the words of an old hymn:

Upon that cross of Jesus Mine eye at times can see
The very dying form of One, Who suffered there for me;
And from my smitten heart, with tears, Two wonders I confess,
The wonders of His glorious love, And my own worthlessness.

I remember well the night I more fully understood what Jesus had done for me. I fell to the floor and wept ... and arose from that solemn time smiling with new-found joy, so grateful for the grace of the Lord.

It's once-and-forever salvation. But that doesn't mean we're never broken over our sin again.

3. Fallings of Surrender.

There have been many "fallings" since that evening I fell "Beneath the Cross of Jesus." These are the fallings of surrender—of giving up, letting go.

It is the choice to die, like a seed falling to the ground and "dying" so God can bring forth a great harvest (John 12:24). It is the choice to yield my rights to my Lord.

Falling in surrender involves acknowledging weakness. It is dying to self-suffiiency too. It says, "In me dwells no good thing" apart from Christ (Romans 7:18), and without Him, I "can do nothing" (John 15:5). It's for broken people who know we can't handle everything, in spite of our silly attempts to prove we can.

Falling in surrender is radical self-denial—losing our life for Jesus' sake (Matthew 16:25).

Surrender is not an option for true disciples. But, and it's not surprising, this is the "fall" many reject. Our entire culture promotes self-effort and self-sufficiency. We recoil from showing weakness and admitting needs.

Surrender is often equated with failure, because our definition of success is skewed.

Yet Jesus still invites us to fall in surrender, because He knows that's where the miracles of life happen. That's where we yield to His control, where He moves in, and where He begins to use and bless us.

We want abundant life. It all begins with our recognition of sin, our receiving of the Savior, and our relinquishment of our weakness to His great strength.

In Christ, we're given life and then continuing abundance as we fall before Him in sweet surrender—resting in His grace.

When you consider the three falls, what does the Spirit of God speak to your soul?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), andUpgrade with Dawn. She is contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

He's Making Art

Cynthia Ruchti invites us to think biblically about our lives, and in this Attitude UPGRADE she asks us to examine our hearts: How is God making my life beautiful?

"I now walk through art galleries and fairs asking myself, 'What had to be broken in order to create this art?'" Cynthia said.

I (Dawn) don't usually think of brokenness and art at the same time, but I love Cynthia's approach, and it makes me more grateful for the grace of God.

Cynthia continues . . . 

While researching artistic mending techniques for a recently released nonfiction book titled Tattered and Mended: The Art of Healing the Wounded Soul, I could feel the angle of my heart shifting.

Something has to break first in order for an artist to create.

Under the skilled hand of a master jeweler, gemstones in their raw form are chiseled and ground and intentionally shattered into smaller, workable pieces before they can grace an artistic ring or necklace.

GemologyOnline.com says, “Bruting grinds away the edges, providing the outline shape (for example, heart, oval or round) for the gem… Once the fully faceted diamond has been inspected and improved, it is boiled in hydrochloric and sulfuric acids to remove dust and oil." 

• A stained glass artist uses bits and pieces, scraps and shards of colored glass. Sometimes the artist takes a full sheet of glass and intentionally breaks it to create the piece he or she needs when creating the masterpiece.
• A painter breaks the seal on the fresh tube of pigment. 
• A fiber artist twists the threads, or separates them, or punches a needle into fabric.
• A potter starts by cutting or “wedging” the clay, then kneading it for as many as fifty strokes before throwing it onto the potter’s wheel.
• A mosaic artist rejoices over finding broken pieces of porcelain, china, pottery, envisioning the art it can become.

 The deeper I look, the more convinced I am:

Broken pieces don’t spell the end of something, but the beginning.

The psalmist David said so, too. “A broken spirit is my sacrifice, God. You won’t despise a heart, God, that is broken and crushed” (Psalm 51:17 CEB).

Walk the halls of His gallery. What do you see? Portraits of uncommon courage. Displays of resilience that speak of God’s power to endure. Pictures of the reformed, reshaped, remolded, recovered, rehabbed, reclaimed, rebuilt, redeemed.

Where does that leave us when we scramble to collect the shards of a broken life? What hope can we draw from His Word and His character?

1. He invites us into the mending process. (Psalm 34:18; Psalm 147:3; Isaiah 57:15)

2. He can’t resist the broken. (Psalm 51:17)

3. We won’t always find the process comfortable. (I Peter 4:19)

4. What emerges when He’s finished will have an impact on others. (Job 23:10)

5. God doesn’t merely iron a temporary patch over a threadbare spot or sweep up shattered pieces and discard them. He sorts through them, handles them tenderly, and creates art. (Isaiah 61:3)

When you hear about—or experience—heart-shattering news, are you more likely to ask, “God, what are You doing?” or to assume, “He’s making art”?

Cynthia Ruchti is an award-winning author and frequently-requested speaker. She tells stories hemmed in hope through her novels, novellas, devotionals, nonfiction, and speaking events for women. You can connect with her at cynthiaruchti.com and learn more about her books, including the July 2015 release—Tattered and Mended: The Art of Healing the Wounded Soul.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Feelart at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

You Can't Move from Broken to Beautiful Overnight

Yvonne Ortega is a survivor, but also a thriver! I know her uplifting UPGRADE story about change will encourage anyone who feels broken by circumstances.

“For years, at least five times a week, I sat at the beach with my journal and cried until my head ached and my eyes were swollen,” Yvonne says. “My mind swirled with questions: Will I ever be strong and stand up for myself? When will I feel free and peaceful? When will I laugh and enjoy life again?”

Ever struggle with those thoughts? I (Dawn) did when my husband and I faced a drastic ministry change—not our choice. I wondered if I’d ever be able to “smile from the heart” and trust people again. God was faithful. But I wish I’d known these helpful tips.

Yvonne continues . . .

You may wonder how I changed. Here are three tips I learned about change.

1. I realized “change requires hard work.”

My work included daily journaling, prayer, Bible study, Bible memory verses, praise and worship, individual counseling and a divorce recovery group.

I claimed several favorite Bible memory verses and reviewed them frequently. One was Philippians 1:6 (NIV):

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

What hard work will your change require?

2. I accepted the fact that change takes time.

I didn’t accept that fact easily, but I couldn’t rush the healing of a broken heart from divorce anymore than I could rush the healing of a broken arm or a broken leg. The healing time required patience.

The Lord brought James 5:7-8 to mind. That passage says,

“Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.”

Your broken heart may not be from divorce. It may be from the loss of a loved one, a major move in which you left family and friends behind, or a prodigal child. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Trust God to help you.

3. I celebrated each step of progress.

After I finished aggressive chemotherapy and thirty-three rounds of radiation, a friend and I drove to the beach for a few days to celebrate. My retired missionary friends let us use their beach house free of charge.

We walked on the beach in the morning and again at night and made sandcastles. We splurged on a seafood dinner and bought a Dairy Queen Blizzard for dessert. I had dreamed of enjoying a Blizzard after treatment.

When I reached the five-year mark of being cancer-free, several friends and I celebrated at a restaurant. I took a pink tablecloth, pink confetti, and a pink balloon.

What small step of progress will you celebrate this week?

Those old days of crying at the beach until my head ached and my eyes were swollen are a faint memory. Now I have fun at the beach.

On a women’s retreat this month, a friend and I collected shells, chatted and laughed as we walked on the sand. Every time my roommate and I were in the room, we opened the door to hear the sound of the waves. We felt refreshed when we returned home.

I did find happiness, freedom and peace, but not overnight.

I laugh often and enjoy life far more than I ever imagined possible. You can too.

What do you need to change in your life? What will you do this week to start the process?

Yvonne Ortega is a licensed professional counselor, a bilingual professional speaker, and the author of Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward (paperback, Kindle) and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer (Kindle), both available at amazon.com/books. She not only survived but thrived after a domestic violence marriage, breast cancer and the loss of her only child. With honesty and humor, Yvonne uses personal examples and truths of the Bible to help women move from broken to beautiful. Find out more about Yvonne at her website.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of foto76 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.