'Forcing a Piece' Doesn't Work in Parenting

In this Parenting UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson reminds us that each child is unique in personality and gifts, and we're wise to discover that uniqueness and cultivate it.

I discovered early on in parenting that siblings are different and should never be compared. Each has unique giftings and will make different contributions in the world.

As my two sons grew up, one of our family traditions was putting together a puzzle at their grandparents' home in Palm Springs, Californai, during the Thanksgiving holiday.

Every year a new puzzle was completed—even if Grandpa Wilson had to finish the project after everyone went home.

Lessons in Puzzle-working

I loved watching my boys work the puzzles.

Our youngest, the "Mr. Social" of the group, would stay at the task only as long as his cousin or his older brother would work with him.

He worked quickly, picking up random pieces and laying them down again. Once, he impatiently tried to "force a piece" into the puzzle—bending one of the "bumps" in the process.

His frustrated brother became a teacher, explaining that "pieces have to be a perfect fit or the puzzle won't come out right."

Unlike our youngest, our methodical oldest child enjoyed quiet time alone with the puzzle, carefully analyzing each piece, categorizing the shapes, and relishing each new discovery. When others joined him, he often directed their efforts with a "Try that one," or "Try it the other way."

While everyone participated in the project, he was clearly a manager.

How unique each boy was. Working the puzzles highlighted those differences.

Lessons from Baseball Cards and Sports

Puzzle working wasn't the only activity that revealed their personalities. The boys' traits became obvious in other areas of their lives.

Both collected baseball cards and, like many children, dreamed of playing in the big leagues.

Our youngest's cards were randomly stached in cluttered drawers and overstuffed school bags so he could pull them out at random to enjoy them.

Our older son categoried his and methodically placed them in boxes. An entire notebook was devoted to a favorite at the time, Orel Hershiser.

Eventually, he helped his brother sort his collection, and they shared hours "talking baseball."

The boys made relatives laugh as they mimicked sports announcers, pretending to call the games on television. The youngest focused on the action. The oldest developed the strategy behind each play.

Though they played and excelled in other sports, it was in baseball that the pieces of their life puzzles began to fit.

Our youngest—temporarily labeled "Wild Thing" in his youth for his mean fastball that sometimes lacked accuracy and sent batters scurrying out of the batter's box—became an outstanding pitcher with a Nolan Ryan bite. Meanwhile, his older brother's pitching—steady and strategic—resembled his hero Hershiser, the deliberate "Bulldog."

The oldest expected the youngest to react to life and sports as he would—with intensity!

But our easy-going youngest never could understand why it was so hard for his brother to simply relax.

As their sports careers intertwined in high school, however, and interesting change took place.

Our oldest child gained respect for his fun-loving, confident younger brother. And our youngest learned discipline and leadership skills from his brother.

Though big league dreams ended, our oldest ended his senior year of high schol satisfied with his accomplishments in sports, knowing he had done his best.

But our youngest son's senior year escalated from excitement to ectasy as his baseball team reached the San Diego finals. His brother watched him pitch the winning game, and then joined my husband in advising him when scouts came calling.

Big brother was truly delighted when the Philadelphia Phillies drafted our young son in 1998.

Some time later, it was no surprise to any of us that our oldest ended up coaching high school sports. It was a perfect fit for our analytical son. His pieces of the puzzle made sense too.

Don't Force a Piece

I sometimes shake my head as parents try to "force a piece" in the puzzle-life of their child. In the process, they break their child's spirit and end up with a completed picture that was never intended by God.

If we love our children, we will help them see how their puzzle pieces fit.

So how can we cooperate with God to help the puzzle pieces of our children fit properly?

1. Never Compare.

It's not wise to compare your child with anyone—whether in the family, or at school, church, or anywhere else.

It's the foolish parent who says, "Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?"

I actually said that once to one of my sons. His response? "Because I'm not him!"

(Well, duh. Lesson learned.)

The Bible explains that comparison is not wise because God is the giver of all our gifts, of all we receive in the way of personality, skills, etc. (James 1:17; 1 Corinthians 4:7; Isaiah 45:9).

2. Cultivate Their Uniqueness.

Help your child discover his or her unique personality, gifting, and other distinguishing traits and skills. And then take steps to cultivate them.

Childhood is the time to try out many activities, not only for fun, but to discover innate strengths and weaknesses.

Don't "force pieces" where they don't belong.

• A child may try out for sports and discover a new passion—or may genuinely hate exercise.
• A child may take up a musical instrument and thrive, or hate every single second of practice.
• A child may exhibit a "gift" for writing from an early age, or struggle with it in school.

(NOTE: I'm not saying we should allow for "quitters"—and there may need to be some parent/child negotiations. But we do need to become aware when there's not a good fit, and make allowances for that.)

Sometimes a different approach can make a difference.

For example, a boy may say he "hates" reading, but can find inspiration to read in the sports pages of a newspaper, or a biography about someone in history (a pirate or ruthless warrior, perhaps).

Help your child see the different personality types in the scriptures as well—impulsive Peter, wise Esther, etc. And help your child understand how Jesus grew in a number of areas in his young life (Luke 2:52).

3. Praise Efforts.

Even when children operate in their uniqueness, they may have days when they don't measure up. They are not failures, even when sometimes failing.

They are learning important information for future attempts.

So don't provoke (exasperate/embitter) your children, causing them to lose heart (become discouraged)—Colossians 3:21/ Ephesians 6:4. Intead, train them well and encourage them with appropriate praise.

(NOTE: This is not the same as the philosophy of praising everyone for everything all the time.)

4. Focus on an Eternal Perspective.

Help your child see more than today.

Encourage the use of spiritual gifts, as they become apparent, to love God and serve others.

Help them discover how they can become more like Jesus—no matter their personality or gifting.

In all their activities, be sure to include spiritual quests and community outreaches to the glory of God.

In all this counsel, remember that you will never be a perfect parent. You will make many mistakes—even in pursuing your child's uniqueness.

If you love with wisdom, and discipline with love, they will understand your inability to be perfect.

Children may be puzzling at times, but they are created in the image of God, and His creation is precious—every single child! Take time to consider the pieces of their puzzle, because it's so worth it!

I'm so glad we—for the most part—worked the puzzle right.

If you are a parent, have you discovered your child's/children's uniqueness? What part of the puzzle of their lives is yet to be discovered? Ask God to help you!

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth at Revive Our Hearts, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Piro4D at Pixabay.

Why We Need Billy Graham's Perspective on Time

When I think about Debbie W. Wilson, I think of the word "refreshing." She encourages us to get a fresh perspective on things we take for grated. In this Biblical Thinking UPGRADE, she encourages a more biblical perspective on how we view and use our time.

"When a university student asked Billy Graham what had been the biggest surprise in his life," Debbie says, "he answered, 'My biggest surprise in life is its brevity.'”

I (Dawn) think that realization becomes more apparent the older we get. In day-to-day circumstances, we may forget to live in light of eternity. But life is short; what are we waiting for?

Debbie continues . . .

James agreed. He wrote to those bragging about their big plans for the future,  

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes” (James 4:14 NIV).

Job put it this way,

“My days come and go swifter than the click of knitting needles, and then the yarn runs out—an unfinished life!” (Job 7:6 The Message).

An adult mayfly has a lifespan of less than a day. In comparison with eternity, our lifespan is shorter than a mayfly’s.

Remembering this helps us live without regret.

Our family traveled I-40 from California to North Carolina. If you look at I-40 as representing eternity—which it feels like when you’re glued to the seat of a car with two small children wanting to escape the back seat—our lifespan covers less than 2 miles of I-40’s 2,555 miles.

Cultivating an Eternal Perspective

Remembering life’s brevity should shake us from our slumber. Are we living for the 20-mile stretch or for eternity?

Remembering the brevity of life changes us. It changes—

1. Our PURPOSE

Instead of bragging about my plans, I seek His plan for my life. He knows the future; I don’t.

I want to live for eternity.

2. Our DEFINITION of a Deal.

James rebuked the wealthy who got rich by not paying their workers on time.

“You thought you were piling up wealth. What you’ve piled up is judgment” (from James 5:1-3 The Message).

If saving some cash cheats a sales person out of the fair compensation he needs to feed and shelter his family, it is not a good deal.

The wealth of those James rebuked became a source of shame when they faced death.

3. What we COLLECT

I love to decorate, but when our family moved to the Midwest for a two-year stint, we didn’t invest much time or money into our rental house. However, I willingly spent more on furnishings at a nearby antique auction for pieces I knew we’d move to our permanent home.

It would have been a waste to paint walls and plant shrubs in a place we were soon leaving.

When we set up our permanent home, we were thankful for the pieces we’d bought with our future in mind. 

It’s not wrong to store up treasure. We just need an eternal mindset to identify real treasure and to store it in the right place where it will not be corroded or have the power to corrupt us (Matthew 6:19-34).

4. The LEGACY We Leave

A cartoon showed a man standing before a storage unit with his son. The raised door revealed a space packed from floor to ceiling with stuff.

“This will all be yours one day,” the father beamed as his son grimaced.

What am I leaving behind? For what will I be remembered?

Billy Graham’s “brief” life on earth ended this year. His faithfulness to Christ during his 99 years blessed millions. I can only imagine the throngs of people who greeted him in heaven.

Our lives may not be as public as his, but our choice to live with an eternal perspective is just as valuable.

How does considering the brevity of life change how you live today?

Debbie W. Wilson—drawing from her personal walk with Christ, twenty-four years as a Christian counselor, and decades as a Bible teacher—speaks and writes to help others discover relevant faith. She is the author of Little Women, Big God and Give Yourself a Break. Share her journey to refreshing faith at her blog and website.

Graphic Adapted, courtesy of JaStra at Pixabay.

Go for Breadth ... and Depth (Part 1)

In this two-part Spiritual Life and Ministry UPGRADE, I'm (Dawn) encouraging people to remember both breadth and depth.

When it comes to life and ministry, let's not forget the "Big Picture" as we pursue goals.  Conversely, we don't want to miss important details either.

Some time ago, I launched into a dietary program with a certified nutritionist to improve my health. The program is fairly restrictive, and it didn't take me long to question whether I could hold the line with my food choices. (I know my usual self pretty well ... I'm a dieting wimp.)

I mentioned this at one meeting with the nutritionist, and she pulled me back into reality and willing accountability with four simple words: "Keep the big picture."

The big picture, she explained, would help me resist temptation and make better, more consistent choices. (I'm finding it also helps me fight the tendency to become a grace-free perfectionist.)

Remembering the big picture doesn't come naturally to me. I'm a detail gal. It's been said that Big Picture People are predominantly "right brained" and Detail People are predominantly "left brained." (It's no surprise I'm about three-fourths left-brained.)

We function best when we balance or strengthen both styles of thinking and learning, and there are techniques we can practice to make the changes we need. (Or we need to rub shoulders with our opposite and discover where we might be off base!)

I was thinking this week about the Big Picture of spiritual life and ministry, and how remembering the wide scope of our lives can alter our lifestyle and choices.

CONCEPT #1: GO for BREADTH!

What's the Big Picture for the Christian?

1. Broader Perspective

• The Big Picture involves both time and eternity (Ecclesiates 3:11; Colossians 3:1-2; Hebrews 12:1-2). It remembers, "This isn't all there is." Are we living in light of eternity?
• The Big Picture asks, "Can I do this and still stay in line with my goals?" but also, "What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind?" (Matthew 6:20-21; Deuteronomy 6:5-7; Psalm 145:4)
• The Big Picture seeks the Mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16), and discovers lies and mental limits that hinder us from becoming and doing what we were created to be and do.

2. Biblical Priorities

• The Big Picture includes God-centered priorities that almost always will differ from the culture.
• Living with eternity in mind will likely alter our priorities. We won't drift through life; we'll discipline our lives as we "seek first the kingdom of God" (Luke 12:29-31; Matthew 6:33).
• When we keep the big picture, we'll be more likely to chose priorities that matter to the Lord and please Him (2 Corinthians 5:9; Colossians 1:10; Romans 12:2) instead of constantly seeking earth's treasures (Luke 12:34).
• In practice, we'll seek God in the Word and make time for people who need to know the Lord. We'll spend time building our families. And we'll often make hard choices that go against the grain of culture.
  

Then, once we see the Big Picture, we're ready to tackle the details.

That's covered in Part 2 of "Go for Breadth ... and Depth."

How does having a broader perspective of life help you make better choices? Do your priorities change when you think about eternity?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is on the board of Network of Evangelical Women in Ministry (NEWIM) and is a contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.