10 Keys to Defusing Anger

Poppy Smith's humor and wisdom invite women to think through serious issues. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she shares insight about the anger that trips us up in our relationships.

“Everyone gets angry from time to time,” says Poppy. “Some people think there’s nothing they can do about it, but there is. God provides not only life-changing advice, He also provides the power we need to zip our lips.”

Now I (Dawn) seldom get angry ... externally. But boy, can I seethe inside! I need Poppy's wisdom.

Poppy continues ...

Flying through Chicago airport recently I heard a woman shouting at the Boarding Agent. Everyone swiveled around to see what was happening. I didn’t catch the reason for her angry outburst but she had no intention of keeping it to herself.

After taking her abuse for so long, the Agent locked up his desk and disappeared.

Five minutes later he reappeared with a burly man in a bright yellow vest—clearly a “mediator” of some kind. Talking softly and soothingly to the irate customer, he helped her calm down and listen to what the airline could do to help with her frustration. She was wiping her tears as I heard my call to board.

Whether you’re angry at an airline employee, fuming in traffic, annoyed at work, or irritated at home–what is going on? If your anger erupts fast and hot, what can you do?

Those of us “blessed” with the gift of being verbal often need help with controlling our tongues and temper.

At least, I do!

I want to live an emotionally healthy and happy life–not to mention one that reflects my relationship with Jesus.  As I’ve prayed about my problem and practiced what God has shown me, I’ve discovered ten keys to turning off our ready to blow inner fuse-box. 

ASK Yourself:

1. What is making me angry?

2. Were my expectations reasonable given the circumstances? Had I made them known?

3. Am I feeling anger–or is there something else underneath. What is the real problem?

4. Is my anger justified or am I making a mountain out of a molehill, blowing off steam and blaming?

5. Am I mind-reading, claiming the person I’m angry with should have known how I’d feel?

6. Is my self-talk feeding my anger?

7. Will my anger bring about what I desire—a better relationship, less stress, a solution?

CALM Yourself:

8. Change your “should” statements to: It would have been nice if…. I wish the situation were …

9. Stop and identify what thoughts “trigger” your anger. focus on thoughts that cool you down.

10. Evaluate your responses: Was something said or done intentionally to upset you?

     PRAY for control and SPEAK TRUTH to yourself.

Tell yourself, “With God’s help I can cope, I can tolerate the situation, there are solutions, and I can learn new responses.”

“Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding; a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity” (Prov.14: 29, The Message).

“A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire” (Proverbs 15:1, The Message).

If we’re wise, we intentionally choose to set a guard over our mouths.

Three powerful words that I’ve etched in my mind are ZIP YOUR LIPS! Try practicing this phrase over and over before you need it—you’ll be glad you did.

What makes you mad? Which of these keys can you use to help defuse your anger?

Poppy Smith is British, married to an American, and has lived in many countries. A former Bible Study Fellowship teaching leader with a Masters in Spiritual Formation, she is a multi-published author who speaks globally challenging women to make their lives count by looking at their choices, attitudes, and relationship with God. Poppy has just returned from ministry in China and had a fun time signing her one book that is in Chinese! Visit her website.  

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Poppy Smith loves to inspire women to thrive. In this UPGRADE post, she encourages us to consider something that may be limiting us ... our self-talk.

“Not everything we think is true,” says Poppy. Some women believe they are the best, that they can do anything they set their minds to. More often, though, women think, I can’t do that. I’m not capable. I could never step out and take a risk!” 

Did Poppy just step into my (Dawn's) mind? I struggled with negative self-talk for years, but I am glad the Lord taught me the powerful truth Poppy shares here!

She continues ...

Several years ago I was invited to be the “International Speaker” for a large Christian organization in Australia. The invitation to tour for six-weeks, through seventeen cities, was both a shock and a thrill. However, the night before my first conference in Perth, I was overwhelmed with fear that I’d be the first “International Speaker” to be sent home.

Sobbing, I told myself, They made a terrible mistake inviting me.  I have nothing to give. I can never live up to their expectations. What possessed me to say yes?

After I finally calmed down, I sensed God’s Spirit nudging me:

Poppy, did you seek this invitation for yourself? 

     No, Lord, I had never heard of them. 

Did you prepare faithfully?

     Yes, Lord.

Have you prayed for My power to be evident in your talks?

     Yes, Lord.

Then, go and give out what I’ve given to you and leave the rest in my Hands.

Six weeks later, I marveled at what God accomplished in spite of my human inadequacies.  I also learned a powerful lesson:

What we tell ourselves is pivotal to either staying stuck spiritually and emotionally, or moving forward with a growing, active faith in God.

Here are three reasons every Christian needs to make sure her self-talk lines up with God’s truth.

1. Negative self-talk limits your experience of God’s love and acceptance. When you rehearse your failures, allow shame to crush you, or insist that God couldn’t possibly care about you, your mind is feeding you lies.

Romans 8:1 refutes the lie that you are unacceptable to God: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”  

Take Action: Repeat this life-changing fact to yourself. Grasp hold of it—and train yourself to respond to lies with God’s statements.

2. Negative self-talk limits your ability to accept the love and friendship of others. If you tell yourself people don’t like you, are judging you, or have no interest in knowing you—you won’t reach out.

Believing these lies steals your joy and ignores God’s urgings in Hebrews 10:24-25: spur others on, don’t give up meeting together, encourage one another.

Take Action: Refuse to let isolating, misery-inducing self-talk go unchallenged. Start focusing outward. Ask God, Who do You want me to befriend?

3. Negative self-talk limits what God has made you capable of doing. My own experience taught me this truth, but how is your self-talk limiting your availability to God?  Is He laying on your heart to serve in some way that stretches you?

Philippians 2:13 says it is God who gives you the desire and the ability to act according to His good purpose.

Take Action:  Instead of dismissing the Holy Spirit’s nudges, stop and listen.  Then choose to say: By faith, I am going to pursue what God has for my life. I will trust Him. I won’t shrink back.

What nagging inner message holds you back from experiencing God’s love and power in your life? Which biblical truth do you need to believe and act on?

Poppy Smith is British, married to an American, and has lived in many countries. A former Bible Study Fellowship teaching leader with a Masters in Spiritual Formation, she is a multi-published author who speaks widely, challenging women to make their lives count by looking at their choices, attitudes, and relationship with God. For more about Poppy and her helpful resources, including her book, I'm Too Human to Be Like Jesus: Spiritual Growth for the Not-So-Perfect Woman, visit her website.

Graphic in text: adapted, Image courtesy of Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net