To Tell the Truth

Deb DeArmond loves to build strong relationships, especially marriage relationshps. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she reminds us how "truth" can strengthen and empower any relationship.

“It’s not always easy to tell the truth," Deb says. "The truth can sting, bruise or even break a heart. And we may worry about the impact it will have on someone we deeply love ... like our spouse.”

This is something I (Dawn) have debated with many people. Truth must always win out, but there's a way to be honest that will honor God.

Deb continues . . .

July 7 is National Tell the Truth Day. I’m sure God expects it to happen more often than just one day each year. And He has a lot to say on the matter of truthfulness—how to do it, why to do it, and the price of failing to do it. 

Telling the truth is a lesson we learned early in life. Mama and Daddy, the Sunday school teacher and every adult we knew reminded us of the importance of truth-telling.

And children are often known for telling the whole truth—sometimes to the chagrin of their parents, who hadn’t counted on a personal family moment being shared with the pastor or the next-door neighbor!

As adults, however, the truth can feel more complicated.

• “Oh, it’s okay. It’s no big deal.” (He has no idea how it hurt me. Again.)
• “What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.” (Maybe someone else will tell her.)
• “I’ll just let it go.” (It’s not worth the effort or thought required.)
• “Sure. That’s fine with me.” (Forget it. She won’t listen anyway.)

It’s easy to convince ourselves that it would be too uncomfortable for the other person to hear the truth.

More likely, we’re the ones who aren’t comfortable. We may be unsure the relationship is strong enough to withstand honesty. Experience might suggest the truth is not welcome or perhaps it’s has been used as a battering ram in the past.

No wonder we simply let ourselves off the hook—even with our husband or wife. It’s easier.

The Word is clear about the truth:

“But speaking the truth in love, you may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ” (Eph. 4:15 NKJV).

And there’s the rub. The truth is to be spoken, no question about that. But it’s always to be done in love.

Without love, it’s just a set of facts, information, data. And data often fails to inspire, encourage, motivate, or move the heart to understanding. And what’s a marriage with out understanding?

In the research for our book on marital conflict, we discovered that many couples have surrendered—no longer telling one another the truth. They’d rather live what was described as “living compatibly” than to trouble the waters in what they feared would be conflict they couldn’t contain.

Conflict isn’t the problem. It’s how we handle conflict that determines whether the end result is discovery or damage.

We often regard confrontation as aggressive. It doesn’t have to be.

Confronting one another in love restores connection. It says, “I love you enough to fight along side you for our marriage.” Your marriage has an enemy, but it’s not your spouse.

Just because there’s quiet in the house doesn’t mean there’s peace. God wants so much more for our marriages and our lives.

So why not make a fresh commitment to the truth today—with yourself and your spouse. No fudging on facts. No little white lies.

Love will make the way.

What truth is overdue today? How can you wrap it in love?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her books provide tools, tips and biblical perspective to build sound relationships within marriage, as parents, and extended family-including mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Deb and her husband of 41 years, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb and her books visit her "Family Matters" site.

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Poppy Smith loves to inspire women to thrive. In this UPGRADE post, she encourages us to consider something that may be limiting us ... our self-talk.

“Not everything we think is true,” says Poppy. Some women believe they are the best, that they can do anything they set their minds to. More often, though, women think, I can’t do that. I’m not capable. I could never step out and take a risk!” 

Did Poppy just step into my (Dawn's) mind? I struggled with negative self-talk for years, but I am glad the Lord taught me the powerful truth Poppy shares here!

She continues ...

Several years ago I was invited to be the “International Speaker” for a large Christian organization in Australia. The invitation to tour for six-weeks, through seventeen cities, was both a shock and a thrill. However, the night before my first conference in Perth, I was overwhelmed with fear that I’d be the first “International Speaker” to be sent home.

Sobbing, I told myself, They made a terrible mistake inviting me.  I have nothing to give. I can never live up to their expectations. What possessed me to say yes?

After I finally calmed down, I sensed God’s Spirit nudging me:

Poppy, did you seek this invitation for yourself? 

     No, Lord, I had never heard of them. 

Did you prepare faithfully?

     Yes, Lord.

Have you prayed for My power to be evident in your talks?

     Yes, Lord.

Then, go and give out what I’ve given to you and leave the rest in my Hands.

Six weeks later, I marveled at what God accomplished in spite of my human inadequacies.  I also learned a powerful lesson:

What we tell ourselves is pivotal to either staying stuck spiritually and emotionally, or moving forward with a growing, active faith in God.

Here are three reasons every Christian needs to make sure her self-talk lines up with God’s truth.

1. Negative self-talk limits your experience of God’s love and acceptance. When you rehearse your failures, allow shame to crush you, or insist that God couldn’t possibly care about you, your mind is feeding you lies.

Romans 8:1 refutes the lie that you are unacceptable to God: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”  

Take Action: Repeat this life-changing fact to yourself. Grasp hold of it—and train yourself to respond to lies with God’s statements.

2. Negative self-talk limits your ability to accept the love and friendship of others. If you tell yourself people don’t like you, are judging you, or have no interest in knowing you—you won’t reach out.

Believing these lies steals your joy and ignores God’s urgings in Hebrews 10:24-25: spur others on, don’t give up meeting together, encourage one another.

Take Action: Refuse to let isolating, misery-inducing self-talk go unchallenged. Start focusing outward. Ask God, Who do You want me to befriend?

3. Negative self-talk limits what God has made you capable of doing. My own experience taught me this truth, but how is your self-talk limiting your availability to God?  Is He laying on your heart to serve in some way that stretches you?

Philippians 2:13 says it is God who gives you the desire and the ability to act according to His good purpose.

Take Action:  Instead of dismissing the Holy Spirit’s nudges, stop and listen.  Then choose to say: By faith, I am going to pursue what God has for my life. I will trust Him. I won’t shrink back.

What nagging inner message holds you back from experiencing God’s love and power in your life? Which biblical truth do you need to believe and act on?

Poppy Smith is British, married to an American, and has lived in many countries. A former Bible Study Fellowship teaching leader with a Masters in Spiritual Formation, she is a multi-published author who speaks widely, challenging women to make their lives count by looking at their choices, attitudes, and relationship with God. For more about Poppy and her helpful resources, including her book, I'm Too Human to Be Like Jesus: Spiritual Growth for the Not-So-Perfect Woman, visit her website.

Graphic in text: adapted, Image courtesy of Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net