Upgrade Your Toxic Relationships

Have you ever taken a whole year to focus on relationships? Kathy Carlton Willis shares some powerful insights about one hurtful kind - toxic (poisonous, destructive, unhealthy) relationships.

"This is the Year of the Relationship in the Willis household," Kathy says. "We have committed to make the most out of existing relationships, build new relationships, and upgrade our toxic relationships by figuring out how God wants us to deal with them better."

Some families have a lot of drama. But almost every family has at least one toxic, deeply frustrating relationship. The good news is, God can transform our relationships. At the very least, He can show us how to love others with the love of Jesus.

Kathy continues ...

What makes some relationships toxic? Is he or she a travel agent for guilt trips? If they insist on a long list of “ought tos” and “should dos” you’re on dangerous ground. Manipulation and shame creates unhealthy relationships.

Other times, a relationship becomes toxic when they go outside of God’s direction for their lives. It might require tough love and boundaries to prevent more relationship pain. We create boundaries in order for our toxic family relationships to be functional, for work relationships to be productive, and for friendships to be accountable.

Ask Yourself:

• How can I handle my disappointment when my toxic person chooses unacceptable behavior?
• How can I show love without condoning or rewarding the poor choice?
• What does God want from this?
• How can I share the truth in love?
• How can I release my feelings so they aren’t invested?
• How can I be okay if this is never resolved to my satisfaction?

One key is to never lose hope that they will realign with God’s principles. Keep praying. When we pray in love, and hope in love, we respond in love.

Love grows as we pray for God to show us how He loves them.

When It Can’t Be Fixed:

Sometimes, no matter what we do, the relationship is too broken, and the repair is outside our control.

• Seek discernment to know how involved to be with someone who isn’t going to be a positive part of your life.
• We can’t control the other person, but we have control over our own response. We also have control over our feelings and choices.
• We don’t have to fix everything.
• God mentions times when we are to separate ourselves from others who are toxic.
• God doesn’t expect us to connect hearts with them, when they are dishonoring Him or hurting His children. (We don’t have to hold their hands while they’re slapping ours!)
• God does want to make sure we create a loving atmosphere to encourage their return to what is right so they know there is always hope of reconciliation.
• Love doesn’t mean we roll over and play dead. It means we release them, much like the Prodigal Son, to find their way back to what God wants in their lives.

While waiting for someone to make the right choices, avoid getting worked up about their faults and flaws. Don’t focus on how disappointed you are in their self-absorption, distorted perspectives, or poor communications skills. Obsessing on their shortcomings can render you ineffective for God’s use.

In John 13:35 (Holman), Jesus says: “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” Will you join me in making a goal to upgrade your relationships this year?

Think of a toxic relationship in your life. How can you reframe your thoughts to deal with that person in a healthier way?

Kathy Carlton Willis shines for God, reflecting His light as a speaker at writer's conferences and women's retreats, and as an author - contributing to three books and writing hundreds of columns and articles online and in print publications. She has several books releasing over the next three years, including Grin with Grace with AMG Publishers at the end of this year. She and her husband/pastor, Russ, live in Texas.

Image in Text adapted, courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net.