Why Do I Do What I Do Wrong?

Kathy Collard Miller is an author and speaker who encourages women to apply practical principles from the Word of God. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she explores some ways to find the underlying causes of destructive responses.

We’ve all said things like, “He makes me feel…” or “I feel bad when she does that.” But the truth is we are responsible for our own choices," Kathy says. "Putting that into practice can actually diminish unwise choices."

I (Dawn) think that is fascinating because so many people think they can grit their teeth and swear to never respond hurtfully again. I've done this—haven't you? Kathy's insights help us consider the "why" behind our responses.

She continues . . .

It’s easy to blame a person or circumstance for the way we’re acting, but the truth is our wrong reactions have a long history.

It’s true for all of us. We see the pain we cause others or even ourselves, and it seems like we should just grab God’s power and never do it again. But there are reasons for our continuing ungodly choices.

Here’s how to discover and correct the underlying causes.

 1. Look to the past to see the beginning.

When painful things happen to us as children, we blame ourselves. We “hear” a message that somehow “I’m the cause. I must be hopeless, unloveable, incapable," etc.

When I was molested as an eight-year-old, I felt like a shameful little girl who should have prevented it from happening:

“I better act perfectly to hide my dirtiness.”

Of course those were lies, but I believed them.

Anytime someone implied I should do a better job at something, I became angry— blaming them; I didn’t want to be exposed as imperfect.

As an adult, by seeing the lies I was believing, I replaced it with God’s truth:

I wasn’t responsible for the abuse, and God loves me even though I’m imperfect.

Author Mike Wilkerson writes, “It’s not our raw experiences that determine our lives but the meaning we make of them—the stories we tell and the stories we believe.”

2. Look to the present to see the threat.

Every time we react sinfully (anger, contempt, procrastination, passive/aggressive, etc.) we feel like someone or something is threatening our good self-image, our comfort, our finances—anything we value.

Many times what we value become “idols.” We “worship” those rather than looking to God to define, comfort, or provide for us.

James wrote, “Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil” (4:15-16).

The most difficult thing is surrendering to however God allows people to treat us or circumstances to assail us.

That doesn’t mean we never share our opinions or take action. But instead of automatically reacting, we must seek God first. Just because it seems “natural” to respond our usual way, we may not be reacting “supernaturally” in God’s power. Blaming, worry, defensiveness and other ungodly reactions seem to protect us but don’t bring glory to God or fulfill His will.

3. Look to God’s perspective of the person or situation.

When we overreact, we take other people’s actions personally. We feel like we’re back to being blamed, labeled or attacked like we were as children.

But most of the time, that person is just trying to protect themselves. It’s not about us, it’s about their insecurity or lack of trust in God.

And any difficult circumstances is God’s gift of transforming us, not to destroy us. Instead of fighting off the “threat,” we can look through God’s eyes of love and grace.

One perspective is to have “godly sorrow.” Godly sorrow sees another person’s attack as hurting them, not us.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “I am speaking the truth in Christ—I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit—that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh.” (Romans 9:1-3 ESV).

Can you imagine that kind of surrender?

Paul didn’t take their attacks personally; he wanted the best for them.

God can empower us to have that kind of reaction. We can be gracious as we speak the truth in love.

Which of those three insights would you like to concentrate on so that your “natural” reactions can turn into “supernatural” reactions?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Visit her website/blog and discover more about her speaking ministry here. Kathy has authored many magazine articles and more than 50 books, including Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries and her newest book Choices of the Heart, a Bible study, available here. The insights in this blog are based on her book Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today found here.

Graphic: courtesy of PourquoiPas, Pixabay.

A Scriptural Attitude Adjustment

In this Attitude UPGRADE, Liz Cowen Furman, a speaker, author and artist who also runs a motel in Wyoming, tells how she changed her whole outlook on life by doing two simple things.

“I wanted—no, I needed—a serious attitude upgrade," Liz said, “But I didn’t know how to make it happen.”

Do you identify with her words, like I (Dawn) do? Have you ever needed a change of attitude but couldn’t summon the wisdom to make it happen?

Liz continues . . .

I used to read the Bible dutifully.

But our pastor suggested that, instead of making a bunch of New Year’s resolutions—as good as they might be—we consider a new approach.

He said “Get yourself a blank journal and start reading your Bible in Psalms. Read it with an eye for something that speaks to you. Then jot that verse in your journal and write a few lines about how it affects you or ask God to reveal something to you.”

Many times, I would get to the end of a chapter and realize I hadn’t heard a word of it, and would have to reread it.

Since I started this approach, I have fallen in love with the Scriptures. I started in the Psalms but have been through the whole Bible a couple of times now.

Reading the Bible, listening for something that spoke to me, made it feel like a letter written just to me.

Talk about attitude adjustment! A total game changer.

The second thing I did that fostered a new attitude happened quite by accident; except that I had been praying for help in this area, so maybe it was by design.

The members of the Bible Study I teach chose to study One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp. As part of that study we were instructed to write down 1,000 things we are thankful for.

We all thought this exercise would be an easy assignment.

I purchased blank journals for us to write these “easy to identify” blessings, and we began. The first couple hundred came easily, then we really had to start looking to write them down.

We asked ourselves, “What would you miss, if everything you didn’t thank God for was taken away?”

By the time I reached 1,000, I saw a blessing in almost everything in my life.

I have continued the exercise. I write five things a day I am thankful for, and plan to continue until Jesus calls me home. Knowing that I will be logging five every morning keeps me on the lookout for things that I appreciate. And, since whatever we focus on increases, this has been an amazing exercise.

I now see the silver lining in situations I would have thought terrible. I now notice and appreciate the many blessings showered on me daily by a God who loves me (and you) so much! Plus, I have a legacy of thankfulness to leave to my family.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

If your attitude needs a tweak as we start the New Year, as mine did a few years ago, may I suggest you try these two exercises, pray for help, and then watch what He will do to transform your outlook.

Start now! What are five things you are grateful for today?

Liz Cowen Furman is an author, artist, encourager, mentor, teacher and speaker. Writing is like the balm of Gilead for Liz. When she is not working on a book, she is writing articles and blogging. She has published three books, is a member of AWSA (Advanced Writer Speaker Association) and a graduate of Christian Communicator’s Conference. She has written humor for The Christian Pulse magazine and for AWSA’s Suicide Blog. Liz’s new Bible Study, Trusting God in Everything: A Bible Study for Women Who Wonder If They Can, released May 20, 2015. 

Need to Upgrade Your Disposition?

A woman's disposition plays a big part in the atmosphere of her home. In this Relationship UPGRADE by Dawn Wilson, we'll look at how this is true.

Yes, a husband and children have parts to play too, but if you are a woman in a home full of people, your attitudes figure in as a big part in the nurturing atmosphere of your home.

Your attitudes can either resemble a dreary, gray day  –putting a damper on everything that goes on – or a sunny, cheerful day. Attitudes permeate all the relationships in the home and office. A disposition can have great influence for good or harm.

Parents will soon discover good attitudes are "caught" long before they are taught. And attitudes can sow seeds of destruction or strength in marriages too.

Years ago, I read this story* in the book Your Marriage–Duel or Duet? by Louis H. Evans:

A young man asked a Dr. Edwards for the hand of his daughter in marriage. Dr. Edwards refused–quite a setback for a young suitor. He said, "Why can I not marry your daughter? I love her."

Dr. Edwards replied, "I think you do."

"I can support her."

He replied, "I suppose you can."

"Then why can't I marry her?"

To this, Dr. Edwards answered, "My daughter has a miserable disposition--nobody could live with her and be happy."

To this the suitor replied with great gallantry, "But you know, Dr. Edwards, there is always the grace of God."

Dr. Edwards smiled and replied, "When you are as old as I am, young man, you will realize that the grace of God can live with some people that you can't live with!"

Evans commented, "... I wonder if the grace of God lives with anyone who cannot live with other people. Paul said, 'Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him' (Romans 8:9)."

What kind of disposition enhances the home and does not tear down relationships? The disposition that reflects the Spirit of Christ. We're instructed to pattern our lives after Him (Philippians 2:5-8). Jesus had a humble spirit. A loving and unselfish spirit. We observe His strength in scripture, but also His  peaceable, forgiving spirit. He lived according to the Word of God and the will of the Father (Matthew 4:4; John 4:34; 6:38).

God wants us to have a spirit that lives according to the truth of scripture rather than being driven by feelings.

Evans made this important observation:

"Why is it that some of us are so difficult to live with? Why are some women so short-tempered, so mean in disposition? Many times it lies in the fact that we are simply God-hungry."

It's easy for women to get God-hungry. Women today have so many roles. Sometimes inner resources dwindle as we try to nurture and encourage others or just keep up with all our responsibilities. In our busyness, we forget to nourish ourselves so we will have inner strength for the demands of life. 

We feed our souls with snacks–little spoonsful–when what we really need is large scoops of God's Word.

Does God need to change your disposition? When was the last time you lingered in the presence of God for strength and sustainance?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God(with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is the Director of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego). Dawn is the co-author ofLOL with God and contributed "The Blessing Basket" in It's a God Thing. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

* Louis H. Evans, Your Marriage–Duel or Duet? (Spire Books, Fleming H. Revell, 1972), pp. 47, 49.

Anger Expert or Patience Pro?

Kathy Collard Miller is an author and speaker who encourages women to trust God. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she helps us trust the Lord with an attitude that can be destructive:  Anger! 

“Why do I keep getting angry?" Kathy said. "I want to be patient, but life and people are aggravating."

I (Dawn) used to think anger was other people's problem. I didn't have a problem losing my temper.

But if we have an undercurrent of anger, it can burst forth in other problems like bitterness, an unforgiving spirit or even something as simple as avoiding people.

Kathy continues . . . 

Life and people are aggravating. We pray for patience, but as someone has said, “Don’t pray for patience; God will give you many opportunities to practice.”

That was certainly true for me.

For many years, I was an anger expert. It was my “go-to” response. I prayed for deliverance but I still was destructively angry. In moments of temptation, I felt helpless and believed I didn’t have a choice.

But the truth is, anger is a choice.

Holding ourselves responsible rather than excusing our destructive reaction will lay a foundation for slowing down our reactions and allowing God to show us alternatives.

How can we “slow down”? When life (or someone) throws something aggravating at us, we need to literally take a deep breath and ask ourselves, “What’s going on here?”

Here are three causes of anger that you can consider in that moment.

1. Anger comes from having a goal blocked.

When we desire a certain thing and someone does something or says something that blocks that desire, we react in frustration. Unfortunately, this only means that that “certain thing” has become more important than God. We are choosing a destructive reaction to make sure we receive what we think we need and we’re not trusting that God can provide it for us.

We don’t have to force anything to happen when we truly believe God will provide what we need. He promises in Philippians 4:19:

“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

In that moment of “slowing down,” ask yourself, “Is there something I value that I think is being withheld? If so, can I choose to trust that God will provide what’s best for me according to His plan?”

2. Anger’s source could be a fear of being seen a certain negative way.

Since childhood, I’ve been very sensitive to not appearing stupid. That seems horrible to me. So when someone treats or responds to me with what seems like a suggestion that I’m stupid or don’t know something, I can become angry.

Why does anger seem like a solution? Because my anger points to something they do wrong and it takes the focus off of my “stupidity.”

Sometimes, my husband, Larry, will sincerely ask me, “What were you thinking when you did that?” What do I “hear”? “You must have been stupid to choose that.” I’m embarrassed and feel shamed. So what do I do? Point the finger back onto him with an angry response by rehearsing some way that he did something wrong. But I can choose differently in God’s power.

In that moment of “slowing down,” ask yourself, “Is there some way I don’t want to be seen right now?" Regardless of how I’m viewed by others, God views me as His daughter through my inheritance in Christ, as Ephesians 1 says.

3. Anger may erupt from not knowing what else to do.

For instance, when my two-year-old disobeyed me, I felt helpless, not knowing how to respond. But forming a plan beforehand empowered me to have options. I wrote down in a column the primary ways my strong-willed daughter disobeyed me. Then in the opposite column, I wrote out one consequence I could give for each disobedience. I then posted the paper where I could see it. Having options removed my helpless feeling, and my anger.

Of course, we can’t anticipate every situation of life that might come our way, but we can try to plan as much as possible with God’s wisdom.

Then in that moment of “slowing down,” ask yourself, “What options do I have? Lord, enlighten my thinking right now. You promise in James 1:5 to give me wisdom.”

God used an awareness of these three possible causes of anger to transform my responses. I actually did become more patient . . . and wise.

Which of those three sources cause your anger most often and how does God want to use that knowledge to empower you to be more patient?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Kathy’s latest book is Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today (Leafwood) from which this article has been adapted. Check it out at http://amzn.to/1ITmLfy. Visit Kathy's website/blog at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net. 

How to Cultivate Awe-titude

Joan C. Webb  is an intentional woman, and you can be an intentional woman too! In this Attitude UPGRADE, she shares a word she created that can help us all live more positive lives.

 “‘Thank you, Lord!’ I prayed. Yet my words,” Joan said, “felt inadequate to express what I thought about my joy-filled reality. While journaling, the coined word AWE-TITUDE plopped through my pen onto the page. Awe-titude—where awe and gratitude merge!”

Don’t you love that? When I saw this awesome word on Joan’s Facebook page, I (Dawn) knew she had to share it with our UPGRADE readers.

Joan continues …

I had sensed God by His Spirit whispering these shocking words, "Joan, ENOUGH! I'm not asking for more." (For a recovering perfectionistic over-achiever, this caused a “nice, but” war within me.)

Perhaps to assure me He wasn’t finished with me yet, God added, "Joan, the rest will be icing, so sweet. I’ve heard your heart’s longing to attend Bible School again. You’re right, it will take a miracle."

Why? Because I was a woman—too old, too un-credentialed and without the money or moral support I imagined I needed for such a thing.

Yet here I sat, thanking God for the miracle: I had been accepted at Phoenix Seminary. Awe-titude explained how I felt: In awe of who God is and what He had done for me; grateful that He’d moved me beyond disappointment and shame to thanksgiving joy.

I realize you may not identify with my particular life-long dream; but I share, trusting that God will connect you with your own story.

When Dawn first asked me to write on cultivating awe-titude, I started a mental list of various ways a woman could nurture a fertile place for awe-titude to germinate within her. Here are two effective ideas:

Idea #1. Cultivate an attitude of awe by intentionally naming the Lord’s numerous attributes, using the alphabet as a springboard.

I may pray “You are Almighty; Beautiful; Compassionate; My Defender; Everlasting; Forgiving; … Just … Wonderful. Reflecting on His awe-inspiring characteristics, my heart expands.

Idea #2. Utilize this three-part exercise regularly to cultivate the habit of gratitude.

(1) Jot down one personal acknowledgement. If you’re like me, you pray for God to change you and then often neglect to acknowledge when He does. Writing something like “I’m grateful I responded calmly instead of yelling at the kids today” helps soften your soul.

(2) Acknowledge another (spouse, child, parent, friend) by writing one way you’re thankful for him/her such as “I’m grateful that __________ did ___________.

(3) Name five things for which you’re grateful like your new pen, today’s sunshine, your job, God’s protection in traffic.

Even as I prepared the list, I realized there is no exact prescription for cultivating awe-titude. We don’t make it happen.

During the last few months my sense of awe-titude began to fade. I asked God about it and He surprised me with this thought: “Joan, you’re neglecting self-care.” I was overly-busy, working and studying without breaks. It affected my mental/emotional/physical/spiritual well-being.

I admit going back to school after 45 years (in addition to my normal ministry load) created a steep learning curve. It reminds me of other life transitions that are both awe-titude-producing and challenging: new motherhood, marriage, moving, starting a new job.

 Awe-titude is a gift God plants within us. We have the privilege of nourishing it.

Both the blessing of enjoyment and the capacity to enjoy are God’s gifts to us. Sometimes we experience awe-titude vividly. Sometimes it fades a little. That’s when we can accept God’s grace anew and give ourselves the “white space” of rest/relaxation and the time we need to “Be still [drop our arms, admit we’ve done enough at the moment] and pause to nourish the awe-titude seeds God has planted within us. (Psalm 46:10)  

This week, how will you nourish the seedling-gift of awe-titude that God has planted within you? Could you be sabotaging the cultivation of awe-titude in your life? How? Will you accept God’s grace anew and practice awe-titude?

Joan C. Webb is a speaker and author who has written thirteen books including The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make It Just Right, The Intentional Woman and a devotional titled It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. As a Life Coach who specializes in working with writers and communicators, Joan helps set people free to become who they were designed to be and from what holds them back. For more information about her books, services and teaching, visit www.joancwebb.com.

Graphic image, adapted, Image courtesy of scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net