Ignite the Spark of Your 'Marriage Bed'

Kathy Collard Miller is a woman of courage. She's an overcomer in Christ who now shares with others how to overcome obstacles in their own lives. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she encourages women to have courage in an unlikely place—the "marriage bed."

Ahhhh, June. The month of weddings, honeymoons, and the celebration of love," Kathy says. "God is love yet we often don’t take full advantage of God’s empowering for a great marriage."

When I (Dawn) think of all the June brides, I get excited! But I also know there will be some disappointments on their honeymoons, and maybe long into their marriages. Good counsel here.

Kathy continues . . .

After 53 years of marriage, Larry and I are still amazed at the delight of God’s gift of sexual intimacy.

Hebrews 13:4 commands that the “marriage bed” be held in honor and undefiled. Yet this aspect of marriage can face many trials and misunderstandings.

Ideas for sparking your marriage bed

1. Have realistic expectations.

For our wedding night, I anticipated all the fulfillment and thrill I’d seen in the movies for years. Yet, after we left the reception, we realized we were exhausted. Plus, we realized how little we knew.

Years ago there was a song with words something like, “love comes naturally.” Not true! This area of marriage may require the biggest learning curve ever.

Don’t become discouraged if you think your husband should know everything you want.

You must communicate without demanding what you prefer. And be patient knowing you both are learning.

2. Sexual intimacy is a mystery.

Solomon—who had lots of wives—wisely wrote,

Three things are too wonderful for me;
    four I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
    the way of a serpent on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
    and the way of a man with a virgin. (Proverbs 30:18-19 ESV).

Don’t you hear the delight and yet the challenge of a couple getting to know each other?

The wisest man on earth says four things are “too wonderful for me” to understand, and one of them is “the way of a man with a virgin.”

Sexual union is a wonderful thing and yet something that is unique to the husband and the wife.

There’s no magic formula.

One of the most curious commands in the Bible is about honeymooners. Moses wrote in Deuteronomy 24:5:

“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.”

Sounds to me like God didn’t say, “I expect they’ll learn everything about each other in a month or two.”

No, He knew first of all, a military man would think a lot about his new bride at home and be distracted on the field. But also, being away from each other is not good for their new relationship, and God wanted to set them up in the best way for a lasting marriage.

Unfortunately, not every newlywed couple can have unlimited time together, but at least they can return home daily (in most cases).

3. The wonderment never has to subside.

The possible wonderment includes those married for a while, or a long time.

God has made the sexual union so vast in variety, that the connection can be a unique one each time.

Don’t ever think you have arrived or that you are bored. With some imagination and a desire to learn new things about your beloved, your delight can continue.

And be sure to read to each other The Song of Songs—it’s about sex!

4. You and your husband are not alone when experiencing obstacles.

No, I’m not saying you should include others.

I’m pointing out that your past, the way you were raised, the belief system you were taught, and what you’ve heard in the media are other “participants” in your marriage, especially in the marriage bed.

All of those truths and lies are swirling in your brain and body and becoming obstacles or blessings.

Unfortunately, any kind of abuse, especially physical or sexual harm, can block the freedom God wants you to enjoy with each other.

Fear of being treated in the same way you were in the past can destroy the trust that is needed to abandon your body to your spouse.

This is an area where a counselor may be needed. Know that God wants to help you and your spouse enjoy intimacy because He made your body capable of great pleasure.

Whatever struggle you have is weak in comparison to your Heavenly Father’s power. You will feel intimidated but be courageous to share with your spouse about your desires and preferences.

What struggle seems too strong to ask for help from God?

Kathy Collard Miller has continued to be in awe of God’s ability to use her through writing over 60 books and speaking in 9 foreign countries and over 30 US States. Her memoir, No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom (available in print, Kindle, and audio) is her story about overcoming anger and being a positive parent. Kathy and her husband, Larry, of more than 50 years, are parents, grandparents, lay counselors, and live in Boise, Idaho. Visit her at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Victoria Regen at Pixabay.