Ignite the Spark of Your 'Marriage Bed'

Kathy Collard Miller is a woman of courage. She's an overcomer in Christ who now shares with others how to overcome obstacles in their own lives. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she encourages women to have courage in an unlikely place—the "marriage bed."

Ahhhh, June. The month of weddings, honeymoons, and the celebration of love," Kathy says. "God is love yet we often don’t take full advantage of God’s empowering for a great marriage."

When I (Dawn) think of all the June brides, I get excited! But I also know there will be some disappointments on their honeymoons, and maybe long into their marriages. Good counsel here.

Kathy continues . . .

After 53 years of marriage, Larry and I are still amazed at the delight of God’s gift of sexual intimacy.

Hebrews 13:4 commands that the “marriage bed” be held in honor and undefiled. Yet this aspect of marriage can face many trials and misunderstandings.

Ideas for sparking your marriage bed

1. Have realistic expectations.

For our wedding night, I anticipated all the fulfillment and thrill I’d seen in the movies for years. Yet, after we left the reception, we realized we were exhausted. Plus, we realized how little we knew.

Years ago there was a song with words something like, “love comes naturally.” Not true! This area of marriage may require the biggest learning curve ever.

Don’t become discouraged if you think your husband should know everything you want.

You must communicate without demanding what you prefer. And be patient knowing you both are learning.

2. Sexual intimacy is a mystery.

Solomon—who had lots of wives—wisely wrote,

Three things are too wonderful for me;
    four I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
    the way of a serpent on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
    and the way of a man with a virgin. (Proverbs 30:18-19 ESV).

Don’t you hear the delight and yet the challenge of a couple getting to know each other?

The wisest man on earth says four things are “too wonderful for me” to understand, and one of them is “the way of a man with a virgin.”

Sexual union is a wonderful thing and yet something that is unique to the husband and the wife.

There’s no magic formula.

One of the most curious commands in the Bible is about honeymooners. Moses wrote in Deuteronomy 24:5:

“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.”

Sounds to me like God didn’t say, “I expect they’ll learn everything about each other in a month or two.”

No, He knew first of all, a military man would think a lot about his new bride at home and be distracted on the field. But also, being away from each other is not good for their new relationship, and God wanted to set them up in the best way for a lasting marriage.

Unfortunately, not every newlywed couple can have unlimited time together, but at least they can return home daily (in most cases).

3. The wonderment never has to subside.

The possible wonderment includes those married for a while, or a long time.

God has made the sexual union so vast in variety, that the connection can be a unique one each time.

Don’t ever think you have arrived or that you are bored. With some imagination and a desire to learn new things about your beloved, your delight can continue.

And be sure to read to each other The Song of Songs—it’s about sex!

4. You and your husband are not alone when experiencing obstacles.

No, I’m not saying you should include others.

I’m pointing out that your past, the way you were raised, the belief system you were taught, and what you’ve heard in the media are other “participants” in your marriage, especially in the marriage bed.

All of those truths and lies are swirling in your brain and body and becoming obstacles or blessings.

Unfortunately, any kind of abuse, especially physical or sexual harm, can block the freedom God wants you to enjoy with each other.

Fear of being treated in the same way you were in the past can destroy the trust that is needed to abandon your body to your spouse.

This is an area where a counselor may be needed. Know that God wants to help you and your spouse enjoy intimacy because He made your body capable of great pleasure.

Whatever struggle you have is weak in comparison to your Heavenly Father’s power. You will feel intimidated but be courageous to share with your spouse about your desires and preferences.

What struggle seems too strong to ask for help from God?

Kathy Collard Miller has continued to be in awe of God’s ability to use her through writing over 60 books and speaking in 9 foreign countries and over 30 US States. Her memoir, No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom (available in print, Kindle, and audio) is her story about overcoming anger and being a positive parent. Kathy and her husband, Larry, of more than 50 years, are parents, grandparents, lay counselors, and live in Boise, Idaho. Visit her at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Victoria Regen at Pixabay.

His Plimsoll Line

Pam Farrel, a relationship specialist with her husband Bill, often uses examples to help couples understand how to better love each other. In this early Valentine’s Day Marriage UPGRADE, she begins with a short history lesson.

“In the late 1800s,” Pam said, “Samuel Plimsoll discovered that nearly 1,000 sailors a year were being drowned on ships around British shores because ships were being overloaded.”

What’s that got to do with love? Stay tuned. I (Dawn) think Pam’s example is excellent!

Pam continues . . .

Plimsoll headed up a campaign to require that vessels bear a load line indicating when they were overloaded. The Plimsoll line is a mark located on a ship’s hull that indicates the maximum depth to which the vessel may be safely immersed when loaded with cargo.  

Your husband has a “Plimsoll line.” Load him up too much and his life or health or your relationship will sink.

You are the dock guard checking his “waterline” to keep him free from overwork, over commitment and over-the-top stressors.

One of my favorite verses of the Bible is a tiny phrase Boaz says to Ruth—a woman he is interested in romantically. Boaz said, “. . . all my people in the city know that you are a woman of excellence.”

This word “excellence” can be translated virtue, valor and valiant, and it’s the same word used of David’s mighty soldiers.

You are a warrior wife! God has called you to be a defender of your husband, your marriage and your family. 

There are three ways you can be a Warrior Wife:

1. Upgrade Your Attitude

How well do you know your husband’s stress? Is he carrying stress about his work (or lack of it), the kids, your finances, his health, your health, the church, the headlines and plight of evil in our society, those under his leadership, the community, the extended family, or a country or mission God has laid on his heart?

Colossians 3:12 encourages us to care:  “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”

2. Upgrade Your Understanding

To build empathy, often we need a better understanding of how our husband might process the stress of life.

In Men are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, we layer on God’s foundational truth of Genesis 1:27—God made us male and female—and share that biology explains that men and women process stress differently.

We women talk our way through stress. When I am stressed my sister knows it, my mom knows it, my best friend knows it—the clerk at the grocery store will know it!

Men on the other hand, when they are stressed, the go to their favorite easy box to rest and recharge. But God helped us girls out so we can recognize these recharger boxes, most are actually shaped like boxes (like on a waffle): the TV, the garage, the football field, baseball diamond, basketball court, tennis court, pool table, soccer goal, the computer, the refrigerator and the bed!

In fact the bed box, that intimacy box is a favorite box for men to go to when they are all stressed out. It is kind of like the free square in the middle of a BINGO card—they can get there from every square on their waffle! 

3. Upgrade Your Creativity

Since Bill and I started teaching this, we developed a new code word for expressing our desire for intimacy. One of us might ask, “Want to play some Bingo?” (Just seeing a BINGO card in his brief case or on his desk lowers Bill’s stress!)

So, where does your man like to go when he is stressed:  Fishing, hunting, for a run, TV or a movie, sports, a hobby, the garage, surfing, boating? Some choices are healthier for managing stress than others. If you offer to schedule some R and R with some physical activity he enjoys, it might keep him away from the burger and fries—or another unhealthy habit that could put him in an early grave.

Ask him about his favorite pursuits, then schedule a visit to his “favorite boxes.”

Resources can help us focus. In Red-Hot Romance Tips for Wives, there are 26 traits to help you become a more loving wife, including this “virtuous” warrior for my man attitude.

Or join the Red Hot Wives Challenge. I will send you a daily inspiration for 26 days to arm you with more romantic ideas and ways to help when your man’s load is approaching the dangerous Plimsoll level. (See resource links at the end of this post.)

God is aware the life of a leader is stressful; and if we pray, God will give each of us the discernment we need to give the encouragement our man needs. 

Take a few minutes to think about the stresses your husband may be facing today. Is there anything you can do to lower his Plimsoll level?

Couple-Building Resources:

• Book - Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti
• Book - Red-Hot Romance Tips for Wives
• Challenge - Red Hot Wives Challenge.

Pam Farrel and her husband Bill are relationship experts, international speakers and authors of more than 40 books including Red Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle; The Secret Language of Successful Couples; and Red Hot Romantic Tips for Women.” Visit their website, Love-Wise, for more information and resources, or Pam's blog.