8 Ways to Avoid Affairs

Dr. Laurel Shaler encourages the positive intersection of faith, culture and emotional well-being. She offers wise counsel in this Marriage UPGRADE.

"Although most people have moved on from the Ashley Madison scandal, the issue of adultery is not one we should move on from,” Laurel says. “Sadly, even Christians have affairs; however, it doesn’t have to be so. There are numerous ways to prevent this from happening.”

Just this week, I (Dawn) heard about another Christian couple who find their marriage "on the rocks. Lasting, faithful marriages don't just "happen." It takes commitment to keeping vows and intentionally protecting their relationship.

Laurel continues . . . 

Most people don’t start out their marriages with an intent to cheat, but somehow they fall into this sin. Prevention is possible, with the right knowledge and effort.

With that in mind, here are some ways to help prevent extramarital affairs:

1) Before you commit a lifetime to someone, go for pre-marital counseling.

While pastoral counseling for a few sessions prior to tying the knot is excellent, most couples would greatly benefit from more in-depth counseling prior to walking down the aisle. Make sure you are compatible before marriage … don’t wait until after the honeymoon is over to discover there are traits or characteristics about your spouse that you cannot tolerate for a lifetime.

2) Once you commit, COMMIT!

 You’ve said “I do” or “I will” and you should stand by that vow. You know the saying, "Nothing worth having comes easily." A long and healthy marriage doesn’t come easily, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth your efforts.  

3) Put God first in your marriage.

Growing in your faith as a couple is critical in maintaining a strong and healthy relationship. Attend church and Bible study together. Pray together. Worship together. A strand of three cords is not easily broken!

It’s through Christ that you are really able to stand by your commitment. 

4) Attend to your marriage.

This means placing your spouse second only to God. This means nurturing your relationship. Choose your wife over football. Choose your husband over a night out with the girls.

Listen, I am not suggesting you can’t ever spend time with people or activities other than your spouse (in fact, just the opposite); however, if you are consistently placing your spouse on the backburner, your marriage will suffer. 

5) Be willing to sacrifice for your spouse.

Your marriage doesn’t have to suffer, but you may have to.

Be open to communication. Speak your spouse’s love language (see Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages). Fight fair.

What does this mean? Be willing to listen more than you speak. (That's a personal challenge for me since I naturally talk more than my husband. Ok, I talk a lot more than my husband.) Be willing to apologize when you are wrong and do so quickly. Be willing to set down your pride for the sake of your marriage.

6) Guard your heart.

Just because you are in love with the person you marry does not mean you never find anyone else attractive. When you become attracted to someone else (whether it’s their appearance, personality, similar interests, etc.), that can lead to dangerous territory.

Be very careful about placing yourself in a position that might expose you to temptation.

7) Don’t rely on your friends.

Don’t, I repeat, don’t rely on your friends to fix your marriage. Venting to your friends may feel good in the moment, but in the long run it can damage your marriage and your friendships. I am not saying you can’t speak to a trusted friend and align in prayer for your marriage, but this is completely different than bad mouthing your spouse. It’s also different from getting marriage advice from your friends, which is also not a good idea.

One good use of your friends is to have a mentor couple that you and your spouse can learn from. This should be a couple who has been married longer than you, is in a different season of their marriage than you, and has a fully committed marriage with a foundation and focus on God.

8) At the first sign of struggle, seek help.

You might start with pastoral counseling, and maybe this will be enough to get your marriage back on track, but finding a licensed therapist may be the best thing for your marriage.

Don’t allow your marital problems to become an excuse to seek comfort in the arms of another.

Our help ultimately comes from the Lord, but He has provided wisdom and knowledge to other people who can be instrumental in not helping your marriage survive, but thrive. Place your trust in Him and love your spouse with His love. Impossible to do 100% of the time, but worth the effort.

There is a lot that goes into establishing and maintaining a marriage in which both partners are fully committed to one another. In the midst of problems, cheating is never the answer.

Hebrews 13:4 commands us to “Let marriage be held in honor among all.”

Will you commit to saying no to affairs … and yes to your marriage?

Dr. Laurel Shaler is a licensed social worker and nationally certified counselor. She is a faculty member at Liberty University, and is in the process of adopting with her husband, Lt. Nicholas Shaler. Laurel can be contacted via her website.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of marcolm at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Supporting Friends Dealing with Infertility

Laurel Shaler writes with transparency and wisdom. In this positive Relationships UPGRADE, she encourages women who struggle with infertility.

“It’s tough to share about infertility,” Laurel says. “As a woman, it’s easy to think something is wrong with me … if children are a blessing to the Lord, why can’t I conceive? I can’t speak for everyone who goes through this journey, but I know having support from loved ones helps tremendously.”

As I (Dawn) have watched friends and loved ones deal with this painful topic, I know what Laurel says is true. This is not something people should go through alone. But most of us need help to understand how we can be supportive.

Laurel continues . . .

We may never know why some couples who long for a child are not able to conceive, but we do know that God is good. He is faithful. He can still bless us, and use us to bless others.

Infertility can be a thorn in the flesh, but we know that suffering leads to hope, and hope never disappoints (Romans 5:3-5).  

So, what do you need to know in order to support your friends who are dealing with infertility? Here are a few tips:

1. We are all different.

Our reactions are all different. Some couples who experience infertility are emotionally impacted when a friend announces a pregnancy or when attending a baby shower. Some don’t enjoy attending children’s birthday parties or working in the church nursery. I personally rejoice over all of this, but we are all different.

Be sensitive to your friends who are walking down this difficult path.

Be understanding when someone has a difficult time celebrating your pregnancy or attending your baby shower or child’s birthday party. (And, I also encourage those who are experiencing infertility to try and find the joy in those precious moments, and to rejoice with those who rejoice!)

2. Be cautious with your questions.

I have been asked all sorts of questions. Examples include:

• Are you going to have children?
• When are you going to have children?
• Have you considered adoption?
• Are you trying to have children?
• Are you doing anything to prevent pregnancy?
• What about IVF?

I am sure some of these questions are based simply on curiosity, while others are pretty personal. It is always surprising to me when someone asks questions that are actually related to my intimate life.

To be quite frank, none of this is anyone’s business. It is very likely that if you are close enough with someone, they will share some of this with you.

Please be cautious with your questions and allow your friends to share with you what they want to share in their own time.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

You may think you know someone’s story. You may think you know why someone doesn’t have any children. The fact is you may not know the whole story.

I have had a number of friends who experienced secondary infertility. Since they already had one child, people would frequently question when they would have more children—not knowing they had either experienced miscarriages or that they were unable to conceive again. Infertility is not just experienced by childless couples.

God has a different plan for every couple. How can you show God’s love, pray for your friends, and be there to support those facing infertility?

Dr. Laurel Shaler is a licensed social worker and nationally certified counselor. She is a faculty member at Liberty University, and is in the process of adopting with her husband, Lt. Nicholas Shaler. Visit her website: www.drlaurelshaler.com