Cultivate Secure Families in a Shaky World

Judy Scharfenberg is full of life. Her family and friends love her. But she also comes with a wealth of wisdom, one of the reasons I asked her to write this Family UPGRADE.

“I am not a super mom, nor do I have a college degree,” Judy says. “What I do have is a lifetime of experience.”

Experience. The mark of wisdom is that we learn from both the good and the not-so-wonderful experiences in our lives. I (Dawn) have always appreciated Judy’s desire to look at life from a godly perspective.

She continues …

What does a lifetime of experience look like?

I have been a high school drop-out, a teenage wife and mom, a single parent who worked full-time, a woman who struggled (with alcohol, fear and depression), a stay-at-home mom, a working mom and a wife for forty–two-plus years.

The last fifteen years, I was a caregiver for my husband. Now I am a widow. I am the mother of six adult children—five are married—and grandmother to fifteen terrific grandkids.  

I always tell people, “I don’t have this gray hair for nothing!” 

What I have to say is not rocket science. It’s a “back to basics” approach; something we’ve lost touch with in our fast-paced world. It’s easy to forget what’s important. I am living proof that a secure family begins with you and me.

Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands.”

As the heartbeat of your home, be proactive. Counteract the influence of our culture and develop a strategy toward cultivating security within your home. 

There is a lot you can do to insure that your home is fertile soil for a growing, happy, healthy family.

Here are six simple steps that will help you get back on track—areas I found were important in raising my family:

1. Serve dinner at the table. Connections are made.

2. Read to your children Character is introduced.

3. Volunteer in your neighborhood or community. Joy is discovered.

4. Commit to daily exercise. Persistence is rewarded.

5. Pray. Faith is strengthened.

6. Remember Quiet Time. God is encountered.

You can start now. 

• Why not plan for dinner at the table tonight. I have five easy recipes complete with a grocery list for you. Email me! 
• Make tonight joke night. Ask everyone to come to the table with a joke, and let each have their turn. Listen and be sure to laugh! 

You say, “I don’t know any jokes.” Here’s one to get you started:

What do you call a fairy who needs a bath?

Stinker Bell! 

 Again, there is much you can do to cultivate the fertile soil in your family.

Which of these six tips would most help you as you encourage growth at home?

Judy Scharfenberg is a popular speaker at conferences, retreats and other women’s events. She has published stories in several books and writes a column for a local newspaper. In her book, Secure Families in a Shaky World, Judy elaborates on the six tips in this post, offering topics to discuss at dinner, a reading list, tips on Bible study and prayer time, and even an exercise routine. Mother of six and grandmother to fifteen, Judy lives in Murrieta, California. For more information or to invite her for an event, visit her website. 

Graphic, adapted, Image courtesy of vorakorn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Plan B = Beautiful

My author/speaker friend Judy Scharfenberg has a quick smile and wit, but I truly grew to admire her as I observed her role as caregiver. I asked her to share this personal testimony as an Upgrade Your Attitudes post, because she exemplifies so clearly the "how to" of Christlike service.

"The ER nurse looked at me and said, 'You'd better call your family. Your husband is not going to survive!"

With those words, Judy's life turned upside down. But the Lord has a way of turning things rightside up for His glory ... when we trust Him. And that's what happened to Judy at this turning point of her life.

She continues ...

In the middle of the night my dear husband had a massive stroke. It was my worst nightmare come true. I was scared to death and could only cry silently, “Lord, I’m so afraid. Is my husband going to die?”  

Well, that nurse was wrong. Richard survived, and even though his speech returned beautifully, he came home in a wheelchair, paralyzed on one side. He needed my help dressing, bathing, getting in and out of bed, cutting up his food, help into the car and many other things.

This is the way things were going to be. I was now a caregiver.

Life changed dramatically in the Scharfenberg household. I didn’t have the freedom I once had; my life was built around Richard. We couldn’t do some of the things we used to do and everything took twice as long. I didn’t just have to get myself ready, I had to help get Richard ready too.

I wondered if I could live like this for the rest of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t mad. I didn’t act ugly, but I was sad. I wanted my straight and tall husband taking care of me. I yearned for the days when he drove and I was the passenger. I wanted to take walks like we used to.  I wanted his arm around me at the movies and his help around the house.

I had to come to grips with this new life. It is not something either one of us chose, but it happened. 

A few years earlier I had memorized Romans 12. The first few verses rolled over and over in my mind: 

“I urge you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice which is your spiritual service of worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

I asked God to give me the strength, the joy, the peace that passes all understanding.

I truly wanted to serve my husband; I never wanted him to think he was a burden. 

It was a subtle change, and I can’t tell you when it happened, but one day I looked at this man and great joy rose up in my heart and I thanked God that he was alive and here with me. I thanked God that I could care for him and make his life easier. I thanked God that I could keep him clean, I could drive him places, I could read to him, I could make his favorite foods, I could literally lavish him with love and care.   

Oh, don’t get me wrong; we still had our disagreements just like everyone does. Richard came from stubborn German stock and I like control. Many times we butted heads over the way I did things. And then I would remember how confined he was.

I could encourage him or I could think about myself and make his life miserable. 

Former first lady Barbara Bush has a wonderful quote that I love.  She said, “You have two choices in life. You can either like it, or not. I chose to like it.”

I especially thanked God because I knew my feelings and my abilities are not normal. Only God could take this devastating experience and turn it around for His glory.

Our Plan B looked BEAUTIFUL.

God turned me into a giver instead of a taker. And you know, it really isn’t caregiving; it’s life-giving, for Richard and for me.

If you could see the future; if you knew your life would change overnight; what would you do differently today?

Judy Scharfenberg has a heart for women and families and has spoken at conferences, retreats and women’s events for more than 20 years. She was wife to Richard for more than 42 years—he passed on to heaven recently—and is the mom of six and proud grandma of 15. Judy will tell you she’s earned every strand of her gray hair. Her encouraging book, Secure Families in a Shaky World, was written for young wives and moms and older women who mentor younger women. Judy is currently working on a new book, Secure Marriages in a Shaky World. Visit Judy at www.judyscharfenberg.com.