Invest in Your Children

A simple Parenting UPGRADE quote from Charles R. Swindoll:

Our children hear our words, but more crucially, they watch our lives. Be sure your words and life agree (it's called "integrity").

Dr. David Jeremiah wrote,

"In the bustle of life it is easy to forget the most impactful tool available: who we are and who we are becoming."

It's certainly a powerful tool for parenting.

How are you investing in your children's lives?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is the creator of three blogs:Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is on the board of Network of Evangelical Women in Ministry (NEWIM) and is a contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic: morguefile

'Personal Trainers' for the Next Generation

Do you have what it takes to be a personal trainer? In this Parenting UPGRADE, Holly Hanson, founder of Moms Inc. at Shadow Mountain Community Church, tells us why the job doesn’t demand spandex—it demands spirituality!

“As Moms, training up the next generation is the only job we actually are required by God to do,” Holly says. “The Bible does not command us to clean our homes—can I get an “Amen”?—it does not compel us to make gourmet dinners, it does not even charge us with the responsibility of making sure our kids go to school in the most expensive jeans or latest clothing fashions.”   

So what's the mandate? I (Dawn) think parental training is a hefty job description, but Holly says it is all possible by simply following the road map laid out in the Bible.

She continues . . .

What the Bible DOES mandate is found in Proverbs 22:6:

^“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (KJV).

1. It says to “train up.”

“When I think about training, I picture an Olympic gymnast training for the gold medal. She didn’t start as strong as she is now. She listened to advice, she studied her craft and she modeled the examples of the greats who came before her.

Our kids are like that gymnast, and we are their spiritual gold-medal trainers.

2. Notice, it does not say “your” child—it says “a” child.

That means we also have a responsibility to our grandchildren, the children of our friends, those at our church, and those in our neighborhoods and our extended families. We have a responsibility to model the behavior and impart the values the Bible gives us, wherever God has granted us influence.

3. We should train up that child in the way he should go.

How do we know the way he should go? It all comes down to our own training.

We aren’t born with deep knowledge of God’s Word. In fact, the Bible clearly spells out that we are born “desperately wicked” with dark, sinful hearts.

 ^“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, KJV)

God says we are like sheep who have all gone astray on our own. It’s only through Jesus’ blood and His salvation of our own wicked lives that we are even able to do any good in the lives of others.

But the salvation is just the first part of the equation. God gives us one (or more) spiritual gifts the very minute we are saved, and He expects us to develop and use them. Some of the gifts you may possess could include: Administration, discernment, evangelism, exhortation, faith, giving, knowledge, leadership, mercy, pastor, prophecy, serving, teaching and wisdom.

4. And when he is old, he shall not depart from it.

This brings us to the next generation: US! 

The Bible tells women they are responsible to influence not only the children in this world, but also to influence and train each other.

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God” (Titus 2:3-5, NIV).

Do you feel like you are ready to share some of your knowledge and training with another woman? If not, do you know someone who is older or further in their faith than you—someone you can learn from?

It’s a long process to maturity.

We need to spend time with our mentors, ask questions, serve under their leadership and watch and imitate what they do.

Our churches will die if there is not a continual line of leaders trained and ready to step into service.

And just because you may be a mom with little ones, don’t think that gives you a pass from growing at this stage in your life. If you don’t start now, you may miss an opportunity in the future because you haven’t done the groundwork to be spiritually mature and ready for it.

I want to challenge you to be ready. Train yourself first. You can’t pass on what you don’t know. You can’t know unless you learn. Time to get started!

How can you become a better “personal trainer” in a child’s life?

Holly Hanson is a veteran Emmy Award-winning journalist who finds her calling in her family motto: “Love God, Serve Others.” Holly has written and produced internationally for Women of Faith, Turning Point Ministries, and locally with KFMB-TV, KFMB-AM and KPBS Radio. She is married and is a mom, step-mom and step-grandma. Holly is active at Shadow Mountain Community Church, serving on the Women's Ministries Council, singing in the choir, and running Moms Inc., a ministry she founded and directs.  

How to Create a Stronger 'Sibling Bond'

Sue Badeau, a child welfare and trauma expert, knows a lot about encouraging children. She and her husband parented 22 children (20 are adopted)! In this Parenting UPGRADE, Sue challenges us with a riddle.

“What is the longest lasting relationship most people experience in their lifetime?” Sue says. “If your answer involved a parent, spouse or friend, you’ve missed the mark. For most people, the longest lasting relationship in their life is with a sibling (or two, or more).”

Even after years of separation, my (Dawn’s) sister and I have a sweet relationship. But it wasn’t without some ups and downs. I wish I’d known Sue’s tips for creating a stronger sibling bond.

Sue continues . . .

Scripture reminds us of the preciousness of these relationships in Psalm 133:1:

“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!”

As a parent of twenty-two, I know when the ‘dog days’ of summer stretch lethargically before us, we may feel like we are raising Abel and Cain, or Joseph and his brothers—nothing really pleasant about it!

Do you ever feel like the sibling relationships in your household need a little upgrading?

While there is no “I” in team, I have found three “I’s” are essential in building and nurturing positive sibling relationships in a family, whether the family is created by birth, adoption, step-parenting or foster care, and whether or not any of the children have unique special needs.

These bond-building essentials are:

1. Individualize

Each child needs to be valued as an individual, not simply as one of the group. Siblings will be less likely to fight and more inclined to get along when they each individually know they are cherished for who they are.

Make sure every child has some private time and space. Plan one-on-one time with each child. 

For example, I always took a different child grocery shopping, and my husband took a different child to breakfast each Saturday morning. This not only gave us time together, it gave the children needed breaks from one another.

Private space might be a “footlocker” or dresser drawer where a child can keep a few treasured items that do not have to be shared.

2. Incorporate Interests

Mix and match children for activities in a variety of ways. Pair children up by interests rather than always by age or gender, and give them opportunities to work on tasks together (such as making dessert, washing the car or decorating the porch for a celebration). 

A shared accomplishment often becomes a foundation for a strong sibling relationship.

We had a teenage son and a six-year-old daughter who both enjoyed tap dancing, so we signed them up for lessons together. Another pairing matched a disabled older teen with a younger brother teaching each other computer skills. Many years later, these siblings share special memories and bonds.

3. Include Everyone

Each child needs to feel connected to the whole family. Create opportunities for bonds to grow between siblings who are often rivals.

“Catch” them getting along and frame that photo as a reminder of good times. 

Invite children to create a “last week of summer” family night, planning board games, snacks or other activities designed to bring the whole family together. Practice “planned spontaneity.” Announce a “backwards day” (breakfast for dinner) or jump in the car for a mystery ride to a park you’ve never visited.

When family members find themselves in new situations, sibling connections can blossom in creative and fun ways.

What are some of your fondest sibling memories? How can you recreate these precious moments with your own children?

Sue Badeau is a nationally known speaker, author, and child welfare and trauma expert. Sue and her husband Hector are lifetime parents of twenty-two children—two by birth and twenty adopted. They wrote the book Are We There Yet: The Ultimate Road Trip Adopting and Raising 22 Kids. Learn more about Sue at suebadeau.com and badeaufamily.com.

A Two-Handled Handle on Truth

Pam Farrel offers a Graduation UPGRADE to help parents prepare students for life success with a two-handled "Handle on Truth." She begins with this formula:

God math: PLANT God’s Word + WATER with prayer = GROWTH of SUCCESS in Life!

I (Dawn) think that sounds like a good formula for success for anyone!

Pam continues . . .

In our book, 10 Best Decisions a Grad Can Make, we walk a grad through a simple process of PLANTing and WATERing God’s Truth in his or her life.

When we PLANT and WATER the seed of God’s Word in our heart, the Holy Spirit can get our attention and guide our future.  

The Spirit’s ability to lead and influence our lives is fed by our interaction of the Truth of God’s Word. It is like a seed that starts out small, but under the right conditions it will grow to be the key to future success.

(1) PLANT God’s Word into your life consistently.

P is for PROBE. Probing is a process.

Be “a worker … who correctly handles the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15).

This is the process of studying God’s Word so it makes sense to us. A simple way to have a quiet time would be Learning to use your VOWELS:

A pastor’s wife, who is a friend of mine, shared a simple system she learned from the Navigators while she was a student in college. It’s as easy as saying your vowels: A, E, I, O, U:

A—Ask questions. Read the verse and see if you can come up with 10 questions to ask of the text.

E—Emphasize. Find definitions for key words; look up meaning of key phrases. (You will need a dictionary or a Bible dictionary, and maybe a Bible Encyclopedia.)

I—In your own words. Rewrite a paraphrase of the verse or at least a piece of the passage into your own words.

O—Other references. Use cross-references to lead you to other verses, and/or use commentaries.

U—You! Choose a personal application. The sooner you can apply the verse the better!

L is for LISTEN. Yes, listen!

“Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ” (Romans 10:17).  

Hearing other people teach the Bible and relate how it is affecting their lives encourages growth in all of us.

A is for ACQUAINT. Acquaint yourself with scripture.

“He is to read it all the days of his life” (Deuteronomy 17:19).

There is no substitute for reading God’s Word consistently. Even a verse a day will help root a life in Christ.

N is for NAIL. Nail it down.

“I have hidden your word in my heart” (Psalm 119:11).

Post favorite verses on the mirror of your bathroom or listen to praise music for easy memorizing.

T is for THINK. Think it over.

"Blessed is the one … who meditates on [God’s] law day and night” (Psalm 1:2).

Ask questions to apply The Word: “How do I live this out?" and "How does this apply to my life?”

Bill and Pam Farrel's three strong and godly graduates!

(2) WATER your relationship with God through prayer.

W is for WAIT. Wait for God.

“The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children” (Romans 8:16).

Listen by saying, “God, you go first,” and then assume the thoughts that come to mind are what God wants to talk to you about.

A is for ACKNOWLEDGE. Acknowledge your sin to God.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

T is for THANK. Thank God!

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

E is for EXALT. Exalt God!

“Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name” (Psalm 103:1).

R is for REQUEST. Request of God.

“In every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6).

PLANTing and WATERing God’s Word ensures a life UPGRADE—that “future and a hope” for our launching kids—and ourselves!

“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11, NIV).

Remember: God math: PLANT God’s Word + WATER with prayer = GROWTH of SUCCESS in Life!

Do you need to do some planting? Some watering?

Pam Farrel and her husband Bill are international speakers and the authors of 40 books on marriage, family and parenting including 10 Best Decisions a Grad Can Make and 10 Best Decisions a Parent Can Make. The Freshman Foundation is also an interactive set of dinner and dialogue questions to prepare a grad for college. Visit www.Love-wise.com.

Graphic adapted: Image courtesy of Keerati at FreeDigitalPhotos.net. 

Parenting Wisdom from the Garden

Sue Badeau (and her husband Hector) share a powerful story about adopting and raising 22 children. Sue has a lot of experience and wisdom to share, as she does in this positive Parenting UPGRADE.

"I do not have a green thumb," Sue says. "I can’t even keep a cactus alive and cactuses barely require any attention! If I can’t nurture plants to bloom and flourish, how can I do it for children, especially those with special needs? Have you ever felt this way?"

Yes, Sue. Every parent faces challenges, and there were times I (Dawn) wished I had a special button to push to make my children immediately blossom into godly, productive human beings. Though Sue doesn't have a "fix-it-quick" solution for all your parenting issues, but she does offer wise counsel.

Sue continues . . .

When I was a child, my Papa had a huge garden. I loved spending time watching him there.  Being a pesky little kid, I peppered him with questions:

“Papa, why is this one in the shade?”

“Papa, why do those need stakes to hold them up, but the others don’t?”

“Papa, how can you tell the weeds from the good plants?” 

And on . . . and on . . . and on!

He always patiently answered me.

I’ve learned that being a mom, particularly to children with special needs, is a lot like being a gardener. You prepare the soil, plant and water. You fertilize, weed and prune. Most of all you pray, watch and wait.

Some flowers need lots of light; others need a cooler, darker place to grow. Water this one every day— that one only once a week. This one needs rich soil. This one does better in a sandy base.  

So much to keep straight.    

You have no control over the elements—sun, rain, wind. Early frost, squirrels, vandals. You pray, watch and wait.  

Some children are like zucchini. They grow and thrive anywhere. Some are like hot-house flowers—all conditions must be "just so" for them to reach their full potential. Some require so much more work than others, it's exhausting! 

When a bud appears, I rejoice and marvel in wonder at its beauty as it unfurls. When one begins to bow or break, I carefully provide extra supports and TLC.  

Sometimes, my best efforts are not enough.

And sometimes resilience, in spite of all my mistakes,  amazes me. 

Here are three top parenting tips I learned in Papa’s garden:

1. Learn as much as possible about each child’s unique needs.

Learn about temperament, learning styles and more so you’ll know how to provide the right amounts of "sun and fertilizer" for each child.

2. Forget about being "fair" if your idea of fairness is to treat each child the same.

Children bloom best when treated as individuals. All children will squawk about fairness; don’t let this tempt you to treat them all alike.

3. Pray, watch and wait.

There is much you can't control as a parent, just as there is for a gardener. Stay faithful in prayer, and wait expectantly for God to do a good work in each child, remembering: His timeline may be different than our own.

My children are not zucchini. 

But each one is a magnificent addition to my garden.

"Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness" (2 Corinthians 9:10).

Which of these parenting "garden" tips speaks to you today? Is there something you need to do to tend your family garden?

Sue Badeau is a nationally known speaker, author, and child welfare and trauma expert. Sue and her husband Hector are lifetime parents of twenty-two children—two by birth and twenty adopted. They wrote the book Are We There Yet: The Ultimate Road Trip Adopting and Raising 22 Kids. Learn more about Sue at suebadeau.com and badeaufamily.com.