7 Steps to Resolve Conflict (Hint: It Takes Humility!)

Susan K. Stewart is a practical gal with a lot of wisdom. In this Relationships UPGRADE, she shares important, biblical steps to resolving relationship conflicts.

"'Not again. How many times can he preach on this subject? Who is it stirring up trouble now?' Those were my thoughts," Susan said, "when I read the sermon title: 'Resolution: The Matthew Solution.'"

Like Susan, I (Dawn) have been uncomfortable in church, wincing with the pinch of a convicting message and wishing the pastor would move on to a less painful topic. Or at least, preach it to someone else! It took me a long time to understand it was really the Spirit of God tugging at my own heart.

Susan continues . . .

A recent undercurrent of discontent infected our congregation. That is often a problem in groups of people We are, after all, sinful humans who happen to be saved by grace. Conflict among Christians should not be a surprise.

“How will he admonish us this week?”

I had developed a terrible attitude about the whole situation. I sat trying to be attentive for that grain of truth God had for me.

Somehow I missed it.

During the following week, God led me to the book of James. I focused on James 4:7-10.

My heart opened to what should have been a no brainer, clear steps to resolving conflict.

1. Submit to God

No matter the circumstances, submit to God. Ask for his wisdom to see the truth, not the colored viewpoint of humans.

Be willing to follow him, wherever it may lead.

2. Resist the devil

As we submit to God, we resist the devil. But the attacks will continue during the peacemaking process.

Satan wants to convince us that we aren’t at fault. He says following God’s way is troublesome, a lot of work, and a hindrance to the outcome we want. As humans, what we want is peace at all cost and to look like the peacemaker.

3. Draw near to God

The more we resist the devil, the closer we move to God. As we move closer thim, the better able we can resist the devil.

The closer we are to God, the more we will be able to remove our own desires and submit to God’s.

4. Cleanse your hands

Here’s where the rubber starts to screech along the road.

What? Me, the sinner? We’ve become ingrained with the truth in Matthew 18: go to the one who has sinned against you. Instead when there’s a clash, we should be looking at our own sin.

“First take the log out of your own eye” (Matthew 7:5 NASB). We need to face our own sin before we confront anyone else’s.

5. Purify your heart

Is the goal of conflict resolution to make everyone happy? Or is it reconciliation with God?

To approach a solution to the friction, our own hearts need to be clean. This is done by seeking to please God, not other people.

Not everyone will be happy, but God will be delighted.

6. Be miserable and mourn and weep

Sin is the root of the strife and we should be saddened and repentant.

As we submit to God’s authority and purify our hearts, we come to realize how destructive our own sin is in the conflict.

7. Humble yourself

Humility isn’t weakness; it is the opposite of pride.

How often is pride the sin at the heart of discord? Humility is the admission we can do nothing on our own.

When pride takes hold, we think we have the solution to any problem. But only God is the true peacemaker.

Don’t worry; you’ll have an opportunity to put these steps into practice.

The next time conflict resolution is the topic of a sermon, article or conversation, remember James’ steps to peacemaking.

Resolve the strife in yourself, and then you will be prepared to help others.

Is there a conflict in your life? How will you follow James’s steps to resolve it?

Susan K. Stewart—when she’s not tending chickens and peacocks—teaches, writes and edits non-fiction. Her passion is to inspire readers with practical, real-world solutions. Susan's books include Science in the Kitchen, Preschool: At What Cost? and the award-winning Formatting e-Books for Writers. Learn more about Susan at www.practicalinspirations.com

6 'Holds' to Strengthen Your Life

In this Spiritual Growth UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson looks at the word "hold" and four ways to look at this word that can change and strengthen your life.

"To hold is to grasp or restrain," Dawn says, "and we see both of these meanings in our walk with the Lord."

Here are six truths about the word "hold."

1. Hold On

We're encouraged in scripture to hold on to the Lord by faith, but the reality is, He holds on to us!

Psalm 27:14 encourages us to let our hearts take courage as we "wait for the Lord." Derek Kidner calls this "holding on with naked faith"* Sometimes it is nothing but our simple faith in God that gets us through the struggles of life. The real strength is not in our faith, however, but in the object of our faith—the Lord!

At a low point of my life, when I struggled with fear, overwhelmed by circumstances, a friend shared Isaiah 41:13: "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'" I immediately felt God's comfort. Like a child walking confidently with her Daddy, I've learned to hold my Father God's hand.

God holds on to us with his righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10) and keeps us in His presence continually (Isaiah 42:6; Psalm 73:23). But we need to hold on tightly to Him—to "cling" to Him—too! (Psalm 63:8)

2. Hold Fast

The author of Hebrews tells us to "hold fast our confession" (4:14). What does that mean? We confess with our mouth concerning our salvation (Romans 10:10); we openly acknowlege Jesus and live for him with our whole being.

Because we have a Great High Priest, and we can trust Him to be our Advocate, we come boldly to God's throne of mercy in Christ (Hebrews 4:16). We "hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering" because God is faithful! (Hebrews 10:23) And because the Lord is faithful to continue to work in us, we can hold fast to what is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21, 24). We are forever anchored in Him.

"Troubles almost 'whelm the soul; Griefs like billows o'er me roll; Tempters seek to lure astray; Storms obscure the light of day: But in Christ I can be bold, I've an anchor that shall hold" (My Anchor Holds" by William C. Martin).

3. Hold In

God wants us to use discernment (Psalm 119:66) and hold some things in—at least until we’ve paused to think before we speak. In our culture, we're encouraged to be transparent, but we don't need to say everything we're thinking.

Some of the worst things I’ve heard have come from well-meaning Christians who just weren’t thinking. It’s things like: “God needed another angel” when a loved one has died. First, people aren’t angels; and second, that’s incredibly insensitive when someone is hurting. Even when we must confront in truth, the rule is "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15).

Another example: Some have said, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Sometimes God does give us more than we can handle, to teach us to rely on Him.

When in doubt, think it out; and until God gives you beneficial words to say, hold it in!

4. Hold Out

I'm learning to hold out against temptation, looking for that "way out" that He provides (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Sometimes it's a pause—holding out—that prevents me from rushing headlong into sin.

While I'm in that "holding" pattern, I pray, I recall scriptures or I call an accountability partner. And while I'm pausing, I'm also learning to actively resist the devil and his schemes (James 4:7). For so many years I was afraid to do this, afraid of some of the excesses I saw in the spiritual warfare movement, I went to the other extreme and didn't obey God's command to submit myself to God's control and then resist the devil.

Thomas Brooks offers a list of 10 ways the Christian can resist Satan's temptations in Precious Remedies against Satan's Devices. Reviewer Tim Challies lists them here.

God promises the enemy will flee if we fight sins biblically, so determine to hold out against sin!

5. Hold Lightly

We must take time to determine what is valuable and eternal—what really matters. Even good things God gives us can consume and control us, or distract us from what is best.

When anything becomes dearer to us than the Lord (i.e., idols), we need to let God pry our hands loose so we can put that "thing" down (treasures, possessions, relationships, etc.). We need to hold lightly those things that have any potential to come between us and God.

We see this principle in Luke 12:16-21. Basically, stop laying up treasures for yourself and become rich toward God instead.

Don't misunderstand. There are some things to hold tightly: your marriage and children, for example. But even then, be sure the Lord is number one! A good rule of thumb: try to hold lightly anything you can't take with you to heaven—especially your "stuff."

6.  Hold Up

Just as Aaron and Hur held up Moses's hands in the middle of a great battle (Exodus 17:11-12), sometimes we need people to hold us up—to encourage us and hold us accountable.

We need to bear each others burdens (Galatians 6:1-2); hold each other up in prayer (James 5:16); tell each other the truth (Ephesians 4:25), and confront, exhort and "sharpen" each other (James 5:19-20; Hebrews 3:12-13; Proverbs 27:17).

But it's not just people we "hold up." In another sense, we hold up the Lord before a watching world when we lift him up. We magnify His name and mighty works. 

"Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!" (Psalm 34:3)

When we lift up Jesus, when we show Him to be the beautiful Savior He is, He will draw people to Himself (John 12:32). This is perhaps the most important "hold" of all.

Which of these "holds" is the Lord speaking to you about today? What can you do to help these truths become a strong part of your life?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for Revive Our Hearts and a writer at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in Southern California and have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

 * Derek Kidner, Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, Psalms 1-72, p. 139

Graphic of Father and Daughter at sunset, adapted, from wesharepics.