Bless Your Spouse with Some Guilt-free Time

Kathi Lipp is a project-oriented gal with a lot of wisdom, whether she’s speaking and writing about marriage, personal development or a host of other things. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she encourages us to reconsider our spouse’s “just got home” need.

“When Roger and I got married, we each contributed two teenagers to the mix; but I came with the bonus – Zorro, the cat with attitude,” Kathi said. “Zorro’s main challenge in life is that he doesn’t get along – with anyone.”

What’s a cat got to do with marriage? I (Dawn) wondered. Turns out, a lot. At least for Kathi and Roger!

Kathi continues . . .

Zorro was condemned to a James Dean existence – a “live fast, die young, and leave a trail of wounded kitties in your dust” kind of legacy. That is, until I met Roger.

Roger is not a cat lover.

Roger and Zorro became roommates by default, and neither of their lives has been the same since. You see, Zorro is in love with Roger. My cat’s favorite part of every day is when Roger comes to that front door.

Zorro’s whole goal is to get Roger upstairs and lying down on her bed so they can catch a 15-minute nap together.

It really is a little weird.

But what Zorro figured out long before I did was that Roger needs that quick lie-down to transition from work to home. While I know my husband could do without the cat in his “catnap,” that crazy kitty helped us discover a great transitional routine that leads to a relaxed Roger.

I do my best to protect Roger and his 15-30 minutes. I make it a priority for him to transition. And he does the same for me. While my time doesn’t involve snuggling with the cat, I usually need something from Roger. Once he’s had a few minutes to decompress and wind down, my husband is so much more equipped to meet my needs.

In most homes, I know it’s a tense standoff where everyone is working hard and all the adults are tired at the end of a very long day. This is where it’s critical to put our spouse’s needs above our own.

It’s imperative to not just focus on how stressful our day has been, but to imagine what our partner has gone through in his or her day.

Have you ever been in a conversation with one-upman? You know the type. It doesn’t matter how bad your day was, this person’s day was just a little bit worse. If you stub your toe, he broke his. If your husband barbecued, her husband went out and slaughtered the cow.

Let’s leave the martyr at the door.

That’s one of the benefits of being married – having a soft place to land at the end of a long day. But in order for that to happen, I must be willing to lay down some of my rights and expectations so I can be that soft place for my spouse.

Romans 12:3 says:

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

We need to recognize that whatever role God has called us to, our spouse has a role as well – just as important, just as needed in the body of Christ. And at the end of the day, much is required from each of us.

The surest way to bring peace to everyone in the household is to give just a little by putting the other person’s needs in front of our own. How?

Get creative!

1. Ask your spouse what he or she needs.  

Asking what your partner needs will avoid the counterproductive situation of assuming what is restful and rejuvenating to you is the same thing your spouse is dreaming of.

2. Sometimes quiet is not what your love is hoping for. Maybe he wants some uninterrupted time, just with you. Be sure to ask.

3. Are you home with the kids when your mate gets home? If it won’t interrupt nap or dinner routines, what about taking the kids with you to run some simple errands and give your spouse some quiet time?

4. Don’t be offended if your mate does enjoy a little quiet reprieve; it’s not about getting away from you. Promise.

How can you bless your husband with 30 minutes of guilt-free time today?

Article adapted from Happy Habits for Every Couple by Kathi Lipp (Harvest House Publishers).

Kathi Lipp is the author of 13 books, including Clutter Free: The Get Yourself Organized Project, Happy Habits for Every Couple, and I Need Some Help Here: Hope for When Your Kids Don’t Go According to Plan. She’s the host of “You’ve Got This! With Kathi Lipp. She is a well-respected national conference speaker and has been featured on Focus on the Family, POPS International, Crosswalk.com and Nickelodeon TV’s Parent Connect. Kathi and her husband Roger are the parents of four young adults in San Jose, California. More about Kathi here and on her blog.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of gustavobelemmi, morguefile.