Bless Your Spouse with Some Guilt-free Time

Kathi Lipp is a project-oriented gal with a lot of wisdom, whether she’s speaking and writing about marriage, personal development or a host of other things. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she encourages us to reconsider our spouse’s “just got home” need.

“When Roger and I got married, we each contributed two teenagers to the mix; but I came with the bonus – Zorro, the cat with attitude,” Kathi said. “Zorro’s main challenge in life is that he doesn’t get along – with anyone.”

What’s a cat got to do with marriage? I (Dawn) wondered. Turns out, a lot. At least for Kathi and Roger!

Kathi continues . . .

Zorro was condemned to a James Dean existence – a “live fast, die young, and leave a trail of wounded kitties in your dust” kind of legacy. That is, until I met Roger.

Roger is not a cat lover.

Roger and Zorro became roommates by default, and neither of their lives has been the same since. You see, Zorro is in love with Roger. My cat’s favorite part of every day is when Roger comes to that front door.

Zorro’s whole goal is to get Roger upstairs and lying down on her bed so they can catch a 15-minute nap together.

It really is a little weird.

But what Zorro figured out long before I did was that Roger needs that quick lie-down to transition from work to home. While I know my husband could do without the cat in his “catnap,” that crazy kitty helped us discover a great transitional routine that leads to a relaxed Roger.

I do my best to protect Roger and his 15-30 minutes. I make it a priority for him to transition. And he does the same for me. While my time doesn’t involve snuggling with the cat, I usually need something from Roger. Once he’s had a few minutes to decompress and wind down, my husband is so much more equipped to meet my needs.

In most homes, I know it’s a tense standoff where everyone is working hard and all the adults are tired at the end of a very long day. This is where it’s critical to put our spouse’s needs above our own.

It’s imperative to not just focus on how stressful our day has been, but to imagine what our partner has gone through in his or her day.

Have you ever been in a conversation with one-upman? You know the type. It doesn’t matter how bad your day was, this person’s day was just a little bit worse. If you stub your toe, he broke his. If your husband barbecued, her husband went out and slaughtered the cow.

Let’s leave the martyr at the door.

That’s one of the benefits of being married – having a soft place to land at the end of a long day. But in order for that to happen, I must be willing to lay down some of my rights and expectations so I can be that soft place for my spouse.

Romans 12:3 says:

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

We need to recognize that whatever role God has called us to, our spouse has a role as well – just as important, just as needed in the body of Christ. And at the end of the day, much is required from each of us.

The surest way to bring peace to everyone in the household is to give just a little by putting the other person’s needs in front of our own. How?

Get creative!

1. Ask your spouse what he or she needs.  

Asking what your partner needs will avoid the counterproductive situation of assuming what is restful and rejuvenating to you is the same thing your spouse is dreaming of.

2. Sometimes quiet is not what your love is hoping for. Maybe he wants some uninterrupted time, just with you. Be sure to ask.

3. Are you home with the kids when your mate gets home? If it won’t interrupt nap or dinner routines, what about taking the kids with you to run some simple errands and give your spouse some quiet time?

4. Don’t be offended if your mate does enjoy a little quiet reprieve; it’s not about getting away from you. Promise.

How can you bless your husband with 30 minutes of guilt-free time today?

Article adapted from Happy Habits for Every Couple by Kathi Lipp (Harvest House Publishers).

Kathi Lipp is the author of 13 books, including Clutter Free: The Get Yourself Organized Project, Happy Habits for Every Couple, and I Need Some Help Here: Hope for When Your Kids Don’t Go According to Plan. She’s the host of “You’ve Got This! With Kathi Lipp. She is a well-respected national conference speaker and has been featured on Focus on the Family, POPS International, Crosswalk.com and Nickelodeon TV’s Parent Connect. Kathi and her husband Roger are the parents of four young adults in San Jose, California. More about Kathi here and on her blog.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of gustavobelemmi, morguefile.

The Things Challenge

When I saw a motivating article by Kathi Lipp about about cutting back on clutter in 2014, I knew I had to have her share an Upgrade Your Organization post.

“I feel like I’m drowning in stuff!”

Oh yeah … I’ve been there. And I know a lot of women who are going down for the third time, overtaken by their affluence—all their "stuff." But we can all simplify, pare down, make wiser purchases, get our things in order and, in the process, glorify God. It’s part of the “whatever” found in Colossians 3:17.

Kathi has some good advice to help us know what to keep and what to eliminate.

She continues …

"Drowning in stuff." This is a sentiment I hear over and over again when I talk to women about their homes. And there has been a lot of talking going on in my corner of the web since we launched the 2014 Things Challenge where we ask readers to get rid of 2014 things in 2014.

The challenge part? Not having too much stuff—it’s deciding what’s worth keeping and what’s worth living without.

“Clutter is postponed decision making,” says Barbara Hemphill of The Paper Tiger Institute.

Many people want to hang on to items that they no longer need or love, but never deal with the reasoning behind their choices.

If you fall into this large category, it might be because you have memories attached to that item or you think you might use it in the future.

When you are unsure of what to do, it feels easier to keep everything and avoid making a difficult decision that might save space or mental energy. You can end up with a whole room full of “Things I Might Need to Save.”

Want to avoid being continually buried in a pile of “But I might need it some day!”? Here are four tips to guide you in the decision making process:

1. If you love it and use it, KEEP IT.

This one is easy. If you have sweet memories that you enjoy thinking about when you use the object and you actually use it, this is an item that you will want to save.

That pasta maker that you have used once since you got married? (And even then, you got mad the whole time because the noodles turned into mush?) You get rid of it, which brings us to the second tip:

2. If you don’t love it and don’t use it, TRASH IT.

Although this seems to be the easiest category to deal with, it is sometimes that hardest. Let’s talk about the potholder your aunt gave you. You never use it, and you don’t want to, but you feel guilty giving it away? Ask yourself if it makes your space a happier place to be. If not, you can just let it go.

3. If you don’t love it, but use it, WAIT.

Ask yourself, why you are still using it? Is it something that you are just using until you get something that you like better? Maybe the one you would like is one that is too expensive right now. Have a goal in mind to replace it, and when you do, give this one away!

4. If you don’t use it, but love it, GRAB A FRIEND TO HELP.

It helps to have someone to process why you love something and if it is something that you will really love down the line. Memories can be strong reasons to save things, but if you do not even have the space to display them properly, you are not honoring the memories because the items get smashed, trashed and put aside.

These tips will help to get rid of your things you do not want, but save the ones that really make you happy.

What are some creative ways you use to display things you love?

Kathi Lipp is the author of eight books including The Husband Project, The Get Yourself Organized Project, and Praying God’s Word for Your Life, and she speaks at conferences across the US. Find out more at kathilipp.com.

Praise for Hubby: 'You da' Man!'

I met Kathi Lipp on the road at a women’s event. She is funny and smart. In her book, The Husband Project, she encourages women to share “great gossip” about their husbands. Others might call that “bragging on hubby” or becoming hubby’s cheerleader.

“As cliché as it may sound, our husbands want to be our heroes,” Kathi says. “More than they want to know that we love them, they want to know that we respect them. They need to know that they’re never the butt of our jokes, that they’re the go-to-guy in every story we tell.”

More from Kathi:

Make an opportunity today to spread some great gossip about your man. It doesn’t matter if it’s one of your friends or one of his; let that somebody know how blessed you are to be married to your guy.

Some key phrases you may want to put on index cards to help you remember:

• “I feel so lucky to have a man who knows how to do his own laundry.”
• “You know when I knew that my husband really loved me? When he could remember my order at Starbucks.”
• “I just love the way he is with our kids.”
• “He makes the best lasagna on the planet.”

Steering the Ship

A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it  (James 3: 3-4 The Message). That’s what great gossip is all about.

As wives, we are often the ship’s captain, while our husbands are that huge ship. Words spoken in encouragement and love can go a long way to building our men up. But the opposite is true as well.  There is nothing that can determine the direction of our husband’s day quicker than the words that are spoken to him in the morning.

Sometimes as wives, we forget the role we play in our husband’s lives. We all remember that great line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, spoken by Toula’s mom, “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck. She tells him which way to turn.”

OK, I don’t tell my husband which way to turn, but I do have an influence about how he navigates through his day.

I know that I need to be especially careful about my tone. Sometimes I think I am just oh-so-witty, when really it’s coming off as sarcastic and biting. It’s not enough to just say kind and encouraging words. I need to make sure that whatever words I choose only build up my husband, never tear him down.

That’s what great gossip is all about.

If you could brag on your husband to the whole wide world, what would you say?

Kathi Lipp is a speaker and prolific author, including The Husband Project and Praying God’s Word for Your Husband with Revell and Harvest House Publishers with four more books coming out in the next two years.  Kathi’s articles have appeared in dozens of magazines, and she is a frequent guest on Focus on the Family radio (named “Best of Broadcast”). She and her husband Roger are the parents of young adults in San Jose, CA. When she’s not doing laundry, Kathi speaks at retreats, conferences and women’s events.