"Did You Hear?"—Conquering the Gossip Addiction

In this Habits UPGRADE, Dawn encourages Christians to avoid gossipers and conquer the unseemly habit in themselves.

It has been estimated that 80% of our conversations are spent on discussing other people and their habits. In other words, we gossip. A lot.

While that seems high to me—I was thinking maybe 60%—it's still not something a Christian should ever do.

Gossiping is the act of spreading a rumor, or sharing idle talk—sometimes private information—to others in a personal, sensational and intimate way. The act may be malicious, or simply foolish; but God calls it sinful. A "gossiper" habitually spreads "juice" gossip.

Other similar activities include "talebearing," "whispering," giving an ill or "evil report," and slandering.

It's no small thing.

The Old Testament says, "He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals a matter" and "He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip" (Proverbs 11:13; 20:19).

Slanderers are called fools (Proverbs 10:18), and whisperers hurt and destroy others (Proverbs 18:8).

Have you ever noticed how gossip is usually passed on in whispers? We don't want others to know we're sharing "secrets." Whispering creates conflict, so we need to be careful not to add fuel to the flames (Proverbs 26:20).

That's all Old Testament truth, but the New Testament is even more pointed.

The New Testament word for gossipers is also "whisperers," but also "babbler." Paul said the pagans were gossipers (Romans 1:29), but even those in the church could arrogantly slander others and gossip (2 Corinthians 12:20-21)—two of the sins that grieved the Apostle Paul.

Gossiping and whispering was a problem for idle young widows, Paul said (1 Timothy 5:13). He called them "busybodies." He instructed women not to be "malicious gossips" (1 Timothy 3:11). 

Perhaps people who gossip think it's justified because the information is true; but gossip is sharing information that shouldn't be shared with people who are not part of the problem or the solution—even if it is the truth.

Pride may also be involved. We can delight in sharing something "confidentially" that we know others  might not know.

Also, our "Did you hear?" information may not be loving or kind.

Listening to others' gossip makes us a willing accomplice (Proverbs 17:4), and it contaminates our inner life as well.

If we wouldn't say it directly to the person who is the subject of the information, we shouldn't ever share it with others. (Maybe there's one exception—if that person is in direct danger.)

So, maybe that 80% statistic is something we need to think about.

As I've pondered this, I thought of some hard questions Christ-followers probably need to ask themselves:

1. Am I driven to tell others' "secrets"? Am I addicted to gossip—compulsive about it?
   
2. Are people avoiding telling me things—maybe because they wonder if I will "pass it along" to others?
3. When have I justified my whispering?
4. Do I share "prayer requests" that are really gossip?
5. Do people often approach me to share "juicy" information? What does that say about me?
6. Have I ever betrayed a confidence in my sharing?
7. How do I know the difference between good sharing vs. gossip? (Is there really a "fine line"? If so, what is it?)
8. What do I feel like after I share information about others?
9. Is God pleased by what I share with others?
10. Is this a destructive habit I need to break?

The Bible warns repeatedly about gossip, so God thinks it is serious.

I need to take gossip as seriously as God does!

Sometimes we get caught up in a gossip session and aren't sure what to do. Like the old proverb, "We can't avoid the bird flying over our head, but we can prevent him from building a nest in our hair," there are a number of steps we can take to cut a gossip session short.

Five Steps to Take in Dealing with Gossipers

1. Confront Gossipers

Stand up to people who gossip by saying you don't want to know about what they're trying to tell you. Be polite yet firm. It's not refusing to participate, it's holding others accountable. Jesus holds high value on our words (Matthew 12:36-37).

2. Change the Subject

Sometimes we can distract people from gossiping by changing the subject. Remember Ephesians 4:29 and consider whether the words are "unwholesome" or helpful in building people up and encouraging them.

3. Challenge the Information

Pieces of information may be missing or incorrect. Sometimes by asking questions, we can figure out a problem in a shared story, or see how the gossip is unreliable. We can correct untruths and give those being attacked the benefit of the doubt until there is more proof. We may not have all the facts, or understand the motives of their hearts (1 Corinthians 2:11).

In the case of serious sin, there are biblical principles for confronting this through church discipline (Matthew 18:15-17; 1 Corinthians 5:1-13)—and it does not include gossip!

4. Choose Positive Conversations

Think about things that are excellent and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8).

Consider that those being gossiped about also have positive qualities. Try to focus on and express those to others.

5. Call on the Lord

With all the gossiping going on, a good practice is to turn gossip targets into the objects of our prayers. Isn't it better to talk to the Lord instead of other people about the possible failings and negative stories we hear? We are to pray about everything (Philippians 4:6), and that includes the "whispers" of gossip.

We can ask the Holy Spirit to intervene if there is an actual problem, to overcome the attacks on good reputations, and to bless those who are persecuted through gossip. God wants us to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9), and that begins with sincere prayers.

And if YOU have a Gossip Addiction, use these five steps on yourself!

• Confront the unwise use of your tongue.
• Change your thinking and consider ways to build others up.
• Challenge the information—be intentional about asking questions to discover truth before you jump into a gossip session.
• Choose transformed thinking (Romans 12:2) rather than the easy way of gossip.
• Call out to God for wisdom and the Holy Spirit for help in overcoming this sinful habit. You are already an overcomer in Christ (1 Corinthians 15:57). Lay hold of that power.
  

Instead of "Did you hear?," ask, "How can I get the victory today, Lord?"

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Ben White at Unsplash.

Tough Choices to Live a Life of Integrity

Becky Harling is funny, insightful, and intensely passionate that women learn how to live in emotional and spiritual freedom. In this Character UPGRADE, she writes about the choice to live in integrity.

"We’ve all experienced the crushing disappointment of Christian leaders that we’ve admired who have failed morally," Becky says. "What exactly is a life of integrity and how do we insure that we live a life of integrity and finish well?"

I (Dawn) am heartbroken to know of Christian friends in places of leadership who chose sin over a life of integrity; but Becky's words of warning and encouragement aren't just for leaders—they are for all of us.

Becky continues . . . 

Steve’s parents came and visited us this past summer. Now near 90, their lives have been marked by steadfast integrity. As a result, the generations after them have been blessed.

As I’ve was thinking about how God has used their integrity, I read Psalm 101.

In this delightful, short Psalm, David gives us very specific choices we can make to live a life of integrity.

Now I have to warn you, some of these choices are TOUGH!

Honestly, they go against the grain of our human sinful nature; and at times, they’re downright inconvenient.

But, the payoff is the legacy of integrity that’s left for those who are following behind. I know that’s what I want to leave behind. What about you?

If you want to leave a legacy of integrity to those coming up behind you here are three choices from Psalm 101 that you can make now!

1. Praise God for His love and goodness continually.

“I will sing of your love and justice; to you, Lord, I will sing praise” (Psalm 101:1).

The Hebrew word for praise that’s used here speaks to a celebration, praising God with song. Every day should be a celebration of God’s amazing love and goodness, but often that’s not the case, because we focus our thoughts on what we don’t have or what we wish we had.

What if you began every day by thanking God and praising Him for His love and goodness in your life? My guess is that you would live a more positive life, and you’d definitely be on your way to a life of integrity.

When we focus on God’s love rather than on all the things that go wrong in life, we’re more likely to make positive decisions. We’re not as grumpy and cranky.  

The next time you’re tempted to complain or gripe about something, shift your focus to God’s faithful love. Watch how your spirit grows more joyful almost instantly.

I’ll never forget when my friend, Jill’s, dad was admitted to assisted living. Often during that season of life, folks become cranky and resentful. But not Jill’s dad!

When Jill called Ed to ask how he was doing, he responded exuberantly, “Jill! This place is awesome! It’s like a cruise ship. I love it!”

Every time, we went to visit Ed, we left encouraged. Even during the last months of his life while he was enduring pain, Ed talked about the goodness of God and nurtured a thankful spirit.

I don’t know about you, but that’s the way I want to be, and that means I have to nurture a thankful heart now!

2. Be careful what you set your sights on. 

“I will not look with approval on anything that is vile” (Psalm 101:3).

Immoral choices don’t just happen. They usually start with lustful thoughts that have been nurtured.

We need to be careful and exercise a heart of discernment about what we gaze on and fill our minds with.  Sometimes even the news is so graphic and argumentative that we need to shut it off.

When you’re watching T.V. or a movie, ask yourself,

“Is this helping me follow Jesus more closely, or is it creating anxiety, worry, fear or lust in me?”

3. Walk away from gossip and dissention. 

"Whoever slanders their neighbor in secret, I will put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, I will not tolerate” (Psalm 101:5).

It’s so easy—you’re having coffee with friends, and one friend starts to “share” how frustrated they are with a different acquaintance.

They need to process. So you listen, and soon you’re drawn in to something more deadly than just processing a frustration.

Here’s the thing: we’re called to not have any part in slander.

So, what do you do? You could say something positive and walk away. You could change the topic. Or you could say, “I’m not comfortable cutting that person down. I don’t have all the facts, and I don’t want to be guilty of gossip.”

Friend, these are sometimes hard choices. It may seem that they’re not very big choices, and what do they really matter?

But they DO matter.

By making choices after God’s own heart, one choice after another, you’ll be building a life of integrity. 

Which of the three tough choices do you struggle with most? What can you do to upgrade your level of integrity?

Becky Harling. Authentic. Passionate. Funny. Insightful. Becky is a frequent speaker at conferences, retreats, and other venues. She is the author of Who Do You Say I Am?, Rewriting Your Emotional Script, Freedom from Performing, The 30 Day Praise Challenge and The 30 Day Praise Challenge for Parents. Becky is married to Steve Harling and has four adult kids and five grandkids. Visit her website and blog.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of qimono at Pixabay.