A Rut's Just a Grave Open at Both Ends

Deb DeArmond focuses on relationships and conflict resolution, but in this Personal Growth UPGRADE, she addresses the topic of boredom in our work and ministries, and how we can instead look forward to new adventures with God.

Deb's friend asked her questions: “How long can you keep this up? Aren’t you tired of training the same program with the exact same materials every week—sometimes twice a week?”

I (Dawn) sometimes get on the treadmill of sameness, because it's a comfortable place to be. I can just accept my rut, but God calls me to be more open to His plans.

Deb continues . . .

My friend looked mystified. “It’s bound to get pretty boring," she said. "I couldn’t handle the monotony.”

My friend was referring to a major business project for an important client.

For 30 weeks this year, I will work with folks across the country in two-day training sessions, with two different groups scheduled each week.

The material remains the same; it’s one of this company’s non-negotiables to insure consistency across the nation. No spontaneous additions of something new or tweaking the content to relieve the potential boredom.

Achieving identical outcomes in Kansas this week as we did in Texas last week requires consistent input. It’s always the same, with one exception.

The people, of course, are different in each location.

From soup to nuts—and on occasion, there are a few of those—the participants are as diverse as they could possibly be.  

And therein lies the variety that keeps me showing up every week, excited to work with these fine folks.

They’ve taught me as much as I’ve taught them, and I’ve met interesting people with fascinating stories. I feel blessed each day I’m with them.

It’s a routine, but not a rut.

A rut is just a grave open at both ends. I’m not ready to jump in there quite yet, but I understood my friend’s observation.

The Oxford dictionary defines rut this way: “a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change.” Routine can create boredom.

But it’s easy.

It’s stress-free to show up, day after day, doing the same old thing. The routine becomes familiar and safe, if nothing else.

It’s tempting, even, to choose a path that makes few demands on us. We know how the day will come together—a no-surprise assignment.

We settle so easily.

A full life in Christ demands we explore possibilities, push past the humdrum, and place ourselves on notice: today could be the day Jesus shakes it all up. We should anticipate and actively prepare for the moment, so as it happens, we are ready to go with His flow!

Variety is indeed an essential ingredient to live fully in Him.

I doubt the disciples would have described their lives as boring.

• Peter walked on water.
• Paul survived a shipwreck.
• John in the wilderness.

Yeah, maybe not all fun and games, but never a snooze! And they each needed to make a clear decision to follow the Spirit of the Lord in the specific mission he had for each of them.

Life in Christ Can Be an Adventure.

Think of Queen Esther:

And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this? (Esther 4:14 NLT).

If we are prepared, we too may find our comfortable routines disturbed for such a time as this.

It’s a time that demands we stand firm on His Word yet move out of that familiar safe zone to fulfill His design for our lives.

Shake up the predictable and climb up out of your rut.

I’m not suggesting we should all quit our jobs, live like gypsies, and hit the road. Take one step at a time. And remember, there are great rewards waiting! Start small.

Ask yourself:

• What are the tasks or routines that, although once were enjoyable, no longer engage me spiritually, mentally and/or emotionally?
• What am I doing that I wish I weren’t?
• What holds me there?
• What interests me?
• What’s my first step to get involved or engaged?
• What’s the risk of stepping in?
• What’s the risk of NOT doing it?

Don't be afraid to explore new possibilities and actively prepare for your next adventure with God!

Are you in a rut? What might God want you to change or consider as you move forward?

Deb DeArmond is an expert in the fields of communication, relationship and conflict resolution. A writer and popular professional speaker, Deb focuses on topics related to the family and women. Deb’s books include: Related by Chance, Family by Choice on the topic of in-law relationships. I Choose You Today includes tips and strategies for making love last and she and her hubby cover marital conflict in Don’t Go to Bed Angry. Stay Up and Fight! Deb’s most recent release is Bumper Sticker Be-Attitudes, a humorous devotional. All available on Amazon. Read about Deb at Family Matters/Deb DeArmond and My Purpose Now. Her website is www.debdearmond.com.

If You Can't Be Kind, Be Quiet

Author Deb DeArmond focuses on strengthening relationship. In this Communication UPGRADE, she suggests we check our words before they cause damage.

"Did you know each year there is a National Say Something Nice Day? It was new to me," Deb says, "and made me think of my mama. It would have made her happy."

My (Dawn's) mom knew I was a "word person." Perhaps that's why she often encouraged me to be careful how I used words. It sounds like Deb's mom was a lot like mine!

 Deb continues . . .

Mama often shared her belief that “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.” It wasn’t just a slogan; she lived it every day.

I never heard her say a mean or critical word about a single person, with the exception of her second cousin Hattie, who deserved it according to Mama.

“That girl had a mean streak.”

She once bit my mother hard enough to draw blood, so I think it’s a valid observation. But with this one exception, Mom was a gentle and generous soul.

She looked for the goodness in every person and as a result, she almost always found it.

Easier said than done.

If you have family, you already know this can be tough duty. Especially in the face of what we often call at my house, “an intense moment of fellowship.”

If you overheard the discussion, you might think we’re engaged in an argument. Some may claim it’s a matter of semantics since the two are quite similar. We prefer to position it in a more friendly way.

Definition aside, when it gets heated, something nice is not always the first phrase that occurs to us or rolls off the tongue.

And the tongue is often the problem with conflict, isn’t it?

The scripture gives us that heads up:

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way (James 3:2 NLT).

Every other way?

You mean, if I could manage my mouth, I’d also be able to resist the call of Cappuccino ice cream? Now there’s some motivation!

Over the years, I’ve become aware of the need to be more intentional, more grace-filled, when conflict arises.

God's Spirit has been persistent to point out missed opportunities, little slips, and major mishaps of the mouth.

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4 NLT).

I’m working on it.

Just remember, we do have an enemy—but our friends or loved ones are not our adversary.

God expects us to speak the truth in love when we’d prefer to give someone a piece of our mind.

Making our point cannot be more important than making our Heavenly Father happy.

Today, identify an opportunity to say something nice. Find something genuine, not manufactured, and smile when you say it.

If you want to make a super-powerful positive impression—write it down. Slip a note in his pocket, the kids’ lunchbox, or tuck a card in her purse.

A discovery of a compliment or acknowledgement is a prize, and when it’s unexpected, it’s so much sweeter. It just might make your someone’s day.

And it will make your mama so proud!

Take a quick inventory

Be honest with yourself.

• How often do you walk away regretful of a harsh or unkind word you’ve spoken? What pulls you into that behavior?
• How are relationships impacted when the communication—and your best intentions—get away from you?
• Identify one strategy to remind you to be quiet if you're struggling to be kind—perhaps a simple prayer or scripture before a conversation that might be difficult.

We can't fix what we don't acknowledge. Enhance your self-awareness and use your answers to set a new course!

Proverbs 15:4 reminds us,

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (NLT).

If you can't be kind, be quiet.

What is the strategy you identified to remind you to be quiet if you struggle to be kind? Ask God for wisdom, and don't give up. Your relationships are worth the effort.

Deb DeArmond is the author of Related by Chance, Family by Choice, I Choose You Today, and Don’t Go to Bed Angry. Stay Up and Fight! All three books focus on relationship dynamics, communication, and conflict resolution. For more information about Deb and her ministry, visit her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Candid-Shots at Pixabay.

I Can Fly with a Little Help from My Friends!

Deb DeArmond loves to see the Lord transform relationships through the wisdom of His Word. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she shares some tips for cultivating stronger friendships.

“In a recent email,” Deb said, “my friend, Jeanne closed with the words, ‘Thank you for being my friend. In the moment, the phrase caught me off guard and my eyes quickly filled with tears.”

I (Dawn) understand the depths of emotion we can feel because of our friendships, and sometimes our poor responses to friends we love. Deb addresses both.

Deb continues . . .

The content of my friend's note was not emotional, and yet I became a puddle without warning. Why?

Jeanne and I met at a writer's conference seven years ago. She invited me to record an interview about my first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice. It would be broadcast on Heritage of Truth, the ministry she and her husband built together.

Though our time was brief, our hearts made an immediate connection that's grown stronger over time.

• We can’t meet for coffee; we live 1000+ miles apart.
• We rarely email and have never spoken on the phone.
• In a good year, we see each other once or twice.

So why did her expression of friendship impact me so deeply?

It's simple: God made us for CONNECTION.

It stirs us. And heart-to-heart friendship is tough to come by. I believe it’s rare.

We may call many people friends, including co-workers, neighbor, and our regular church companions in the 6^th pew back from the stage on the right side of the sanctuary. We may stay in touch with many who date back to childhood.  

I went from kindergarten to college with most of the same kids. They are important to me. We keep up with one another through social media—I know who has a new baby in the family, a promotion, or the loss of a loved one. I’m grateful we grew up together.

• Are these heart connections? Not so much.
• Do we all share the same faith? No, and sadly, some have none at all.

But I love them because we were witnesses to one another’s lives.

We have a shared history.

Could I call on them for encouragement, prayer, or a reminder of the God’s love in a time of hopeless despair or spiritual rebellion? With a few exceptions, the answer is no.

Life demands of us. A friend's encouragement or a loving rebuke is needed at times to remind us who He’s designed us to become.

A good friend is willing to do so, comfortable or not.

I’ve been blessed to experience this level of friendship; to have people—like Jeanne—in my life. She’s been a cheerleader, encourager and role mode. She’s open, candid and kind. I’m blessed to be her friend.

We’ve all had fair-weather friends. Those who tell us what we want to hear and when the going gets tough, they get gone.

Some of us may have been that friend on occasion. God’s not impressed with this approach.

The Bible says,

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:14-15 NIV).

I hear my mom (gone for 20 years) remind me: “If you want a good friend, you have to be a good friend.”

How can we do that? Here are some possibilities.

Tips and Challenges

1. Ask the Lord to Guide Your Approach.

Pray when you feel impatient with a friend who’s in a tailspin—again.

Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s discouragement, or a lack of faith. Remember, love wins.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2 NIV).

2. Take Inventory.

Be brave and ask your closest friends how you could support or love them better.

Ask yourself, “Do I dispense advice, or do I seek God to discover what He’d like me to share?”

“The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” (Proverbs 27:9 NLT).

3. Be Brave.

Proverbs 17:17 reminds us, “Iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

Lord, give us fearless obedience to You and Your Word. Let us be a channel to lift one another higher.

After all, that’s what friends are for.   

Which of these tips and challenges might help you further cultivate a cherished friendship today?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Book #2, I Choose You Today, helps couples strengthen their marriages. Deb's new book on marital conflict, Don't Go to Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight! was co-authored by her husband, Ron. They live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of StockSnap at Pixabay.

Beauty Is in the Heart of the Beholder

Deb DeArmond often focuses on families in her writing. In this Biblical Thinking UPGRADE, she focuses on the family of God and how our Father in Heaven sees His beloved children.

“Beauty is found where you choose to see it,” Deb says. “Sounds a lot like our life in Christ. At least, that’s my personal experience.”

God recently reminded me (Dawn) that He was taking my brokenness and creating something of beauty. My "scars" are being transformed! It's a little like the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where the artist "sees" beauty when he or she accents cracks in broken pottery with pure gold (see photo below).

Consider what God sees.

Deb continues . . .

Do you know what a picker is? A picker is someone who finds value in what most of us might easily discard.

It’s become America’s new obsession, with TV shows and magazines dedicated to reclaiming and recreating something grand from broken and discarded items.

Weekend warriors haunt estate auctions, Salvation Army stores, garage sales, and even the dump. I once saw a man pick up a love seat my neighbor had taken to the curb for the garbage pickup. I’m certain the picker had a vision of what it could be.

Some might consider these items junk, even trash. Pickers find treasures in every old garage and country barn.

Seems beauty comes in many forms.

My sister-in-law and her husband were the first pickers I ever met, and they were active long before these guys on TV. Not long ago my brother-in-law posted a photo online of a trunk he found in the trash at work. He took it home, cleaned it up and handed the trunk off to his wife. She worked her magic with a little paint and flair and, voila!

A treasure emerged—resurrected from the garbage heap.

Beauty is found where you choose to see it.

Sounds a lot like our life in Christ. At least, that’s my personal experience.

Jesus picked me. He saw in me a treasure, someone of value.

In His eyes, I was priceless, beautiful—though I’m certain it wasn’t obvious to the world around me.

I never considered myself extraordinary for a single minute. I never imagined that out of my existence could come a life of joy, peace, and abundance, far greater than anything I deserved.

I was ignorant of the true appraisal of my worth. The life I lived had little purpose or vision to guide me.

But God.

God valued me as precious, of significance so great, He would send His perfect Son to purchase my life. He viewed me with His heart and saw the life of Christ, alive in me.

He didn’t just clean me up. Through his precious blood, He lovingly restored me to the original He had in mind when He created me.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good works he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10 NLT).

And unlike an earthly picker's trash to treasure, I will never again be available for sale. He bought me, straight out, to keep as his own.

How is it possible?

Like the picker’s prize, God has a vision of what we can be. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:14).

Today’s Tips and Challenges:

• Spend some time today to gain greater insight as to how God sees you as His beloved son or daughter. Start with the verses listed below.
• Notate or highlight the words He uses to describe the characteristics, qualities, and descriptions of His children, and any promises He’s made to us.
• Then go to Him in prayer. Ask Him to adjust the lens of your heart to allow you to see yourself as He sees you.

Scriptures to Consider

1 Peter 2:9 - "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

James 1:24 - "...and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."

Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

John 1:12-13 - "Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God."

Galatians 4:7 - "Since you are no longer a slave, but God's child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir."

Ephesians 1:13-14 - "And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory."

Remember, God views you with His heart and sees the life of Christ alive in you!

As you reflect on the vision God has for you, do you need to make some adjustments in your thinking?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationship dynamics within families in general. Her books focus on the joys—and challenges—of those connections—from in-law issues to constructively managing marital conflict. Her most recent book, Bumper Sticker Be-Attitudes is a light-hearted quick-read devotional with deep spiritual messages for the busy believer. For more about Deb, visit her website "Family Matters" at deb.dearmond.com.

Graphic #1 adapted, courtesy of BRRT at Pixabay.

Graphic #2 - the Japanese art of Kintsugi.

Memos from Mama

Deb DeArmond writes about relationships and her relationship with her mama has some great lessons for all of us. In this Mother's Day UPLIFT, she writes about communicating truth with "mama-inspired" confidence.

"Laughter," Deb says, "is the shock absorber that softens the blows of life."

I (Dawn) am sure we all have fun sayings and words of advice from parents and grandparents. My grandpa's favorite to me was, "Don't just sit there like a lump on a pickle." But Deb's mama was  especially wise.

Deb continues . . .

My head is filled with memos from mama.

• "The only person who really likes change is a wet baby."
• "Don't make me take you to the north forty"—the last warning before a spanking.
• "If you had everything, where would you put it?"

My mother had an interesting and pragmatic outlook on life. And enough unusual expressions to create her own dictionary.

She’s been gone nearly 20 years, and still, I’m stunned at how often in the midst of a challenge, heartbreak or opportunity, I hear her voice.

• Usually a soft supportive tone, meant to encourage.
• Occasionally, a bit sharper, to help redirect my thinking when I might not get it quickly enough to make the best choice.

I can’t count the times her words have echoed in my heart and set me on the right path.

Down-to-earth, practical, and no-nonsense advice is tough to come by these days. Sometimes the facts are inconvenient or uncomfortable to address.

And it seems the older I get, the more political correctness and sensitivity training I’m exposed to. I believe it’s caused us to move further from telling it like it is—with love—and the more watered down our message becomes.

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not an advocate for using the truth as a battering ram.

• I support speaking up when it can advance the cause of Christ.
• The truth is also essential when we have the opportunity to build up, encourage, or exhort others to live more like Jesus. That is what the word of God asks us to do: “Speak the truth in love...” (Ephesians 4:15a).

Truth is compelling. It has the power to touch the heart and bring our thoughts and actions into alignment with the life Jesus died to redeem.

Facts persuade. Truth transforms.

Here are three practical ways to express truth with mama-inspired confidence.

1. Pray before you speak.

Be certain it’s the truth you’re sharing and not your opinion. It’s a short hop and a skip from expressing our opinion to judgment.

Asking God’s Spirit to help us distinguish between the truth and our opinion fulfills the remainder of the verse in Ephesians 4:15—"let’s grow in every way into Christ.”

The truth is found in Christ, not our version of life as it should be.

2. Truth will set you free, too.

The truth receiver and the truth teller are blessed in the process.

When we walk fully in the truth, we are free—released and confident to share it with others, assured it will convey the message of our heart.

The ability to express our concern comes easily and communicates love, not criticism.

We can’t shame people onto the right path; encouragement and exhortation of God’s word must be the foundation.

3. Don’t over-communicate your message.

Mama’s messages spoke to my heart because they made me think.

Her truth, God’s truth, could become my truth only when communicated with love not lecture.

The battering ram rarely finds an open heart.

Jude 1:20 reminds us to build one another in the faith.

What message is God waiting for you to deliver? What’s holding you back? Fight truth decay and share it—in love—today!

Deb DeArmond is an expert in the fields of communication, relationship, and conflict resolution. Deb’s books help readers create the life God meant marriage and family to be. Read her at: Family Matters/Deb DeArmond.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Bru-nO at Pixabay.