Anger Expert or Patience Pro?

Kathy Collard Miller is an author and speaker who encourages women to trust God. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she helps us trust the Lord with an attitude that can be destructive:  Anger! 

“Why do I keep getting angry?" Kathy said. "I want to be patient, but life and people are aggravating."

I (Dawn) used to think anger was other people's problem. I didn't have a problem losing my temper.

But if we have an undercurrent of anger, it can burst forth in other problems like bitterness, an unforgiving spirit or even something as simple as avoiding people.

Kathy continues . . . 

Life and people are aggravating. We pray for patience, but as someone has said, “Don’t pray for patience; God will give you many opportunities to practice.”

That was certainly true for me.

For many years, I was an anger expert. It was my “go-to” response. I prayed for deliverance but I still was destructively angry. In moments of temptation, I felt helpless and believed I didn’t have a choice.

But the truth is, anger is a choice.

Holding ourselves responsible rather than excusing our destructive reaction will lay a foundation for slowing down our reactions and allowing God to show us alternatives.

How can we “slow down”? When life (or someone) throws something aggravating at us, we need to literally take a deep breath and ask ourselves, “What’s going on here?”

Here are three causes of anger that you can consider in that moment.

1. Anger comes from having a goal blocked.

When we desire a certain thing and someone does something or says something that blocks that desire, we react in frustration. Unfortunately, this only means that that “certain thing” has become more important than God. We are choosing a destructive reaction to make sure we receive what we think we need and we’re not trusting that God can provide it for us.

We don’t have to force anything to happen when we truly believe God will provide what we need. He promises in Philippians 4:19:

“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

In that moment of “slowing down,” ask yourself, “Is there something I value that I think is being withheld? If so, can I choose to trust that God will provide what’s best for me according to His plan?”

2. Anger’s source could be a fear of being seen a certain negative way.

Since childhood, I’ve been very sensitive to not appearing stupid. That seems horrible to me. So when someone treats or responds to me with what seems like a suggestion that I’m stupid or don’t know something, I can become angry.

Why does anger seem like a solution? Because my anger points to something they do wrong and it takes the focus off of my “stupidity.”

Sometimes, my husband, Larry, will sincerely ask me, “What were you thinking when you did that?” What do I “hear”? “You must have been stupid to choose that.” I’m embarrassed and feel shamed. So what do I do? Point the finger back onto him with an angry response by rehearsing some way that he did something wrong. But I can choose differently in God’s power.

In that moment of “slowing down,” ask yourself, “Is there some way I don’t want to be seen right now?" Regardless of how I’m viewed by others, God views me as His daughter through my inheritance in Christ, as Ephesians 1 says.

3. Anger may erupt from not knowing what else to do.

For instance, when my two-year-old disobeyed me, I felt helpless, not knowing how to respond. But forming a plan beforehand empowered me to have options. I wrote down in a column the primary ways my strong-willed daughter disobeyed me. Then in the opposite column, I wrote out one consequence I could give for each disobedience. I then posted the paper where I could see it. Having options removed my helpless feeling, and my anger.

Of course, we can’t anticipate every situation of life that might come our way, but we can try to plan as much as possible with God’s wisdom.

Then in that moment of “slowing down,” ask yourself, “What options do I have? Lord, enlighten my thinking right now. You promise in James 1:5 to give me wisdom.”

God used an awareness of these three possible causes of anger to transform my responses. I actually did become more patient . . . and wise.

Which of those three sources cause your anger most often and how does God want to use that knowledge to empower you to be more patient?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Kathy’s latest book is Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today (Leafwood) from which this article has been adapted. Check it out at http://amzn.to/1ITmLfy. Visit Kathy's website/blog at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net. 

10 Keys to Defusing Anger

Poppy Smith's humor and wisdom invite women to think through serious issues. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she shares insight about the anger that trips us up in our relationships.

“Everyone gets angry from time to time,” says Poppy. “Some people think there’s nothing they can do about it, but there is. God provides not only life-changing advice, He also provides the power we need to zip our lips.”

Now I (Dawn) seldom get angry ... externally. But boy, can I seethe inside! I need Poppy's wisdom.

Poppy continues ...

Flying through Chicago airport recently I heard a woman shouting at the Boarding Agent. Everyone swiveled around to see what was happening. I didn’t catch the reason for her angry outburst but she had no intention of keeping it to herself.

After taking her abuse for so long, the Agent locked up his desk and disappeared.

Five minutes later he reappeared with a burly man in a bright yellow vest—clearly a “mediator” of some kind. Talking softly and soothingly to the irate customer, he helped her calm down and listen to what the airline could do to help with her frustration. She was wiping her tears as I heard my call to board.

Whether you’re angry at an airline employee, fuming in traffic, annoyed at work, or irritated at home–what is going on? If your anger erupts fast and hot, what can you do?

Those of us “blessed” with the gift of being verbal often need help with controlling our tongues and temper.

At least, I do!

I want to live an emotionally healthy and happy life–not to mention one that reflects my relationship with Jesus.  As I’ve prayed about my problem and practiced what God has shown me, I’ve discovered ten keys to turning off our ready to blow inner fuse-box. 

ASK Yourself:

1. What is making me angry?

2. Were my expectations reasonable given the circumstances? Had I made them known?

3. Am I feeling anger–or is there something else underneath. What is the real problem?

4. Is my anger justified or am I making a mountain out of a molehill, blowing off steam and blaming?

5. Am I mind-reading, claiming the person I’m angry with should have known how I’d feel?

6. Is my self-talk feeding my anger?

7. Will my anger bring about what I desire—a better relationship, less stress, a solution?

CALM Yourself:

8. Change your “should” statements to: It would have been nice if…. I wish the situation were …

9. Stop and identify what thoughts “trigger” your anger. focus on thoughts that cool you down.

10. Evaluate your responses: Was something said or done intentionally to upset you?

     PRAY for control and SPEAK TRUTH to yourself.

Tell yourself, “With God’s help I can cope, I can tolerate the situation, there are solutions, and I can learn new responses.”

“Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding; a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity” (Prov.14: 29, The Message).

“A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire” (Proverbs 15:1, The Message).

If we’re wise, we intentionally choose to set a guard over our mouths.

Three powerful words that I’ve etched in my mind are ZIP YOUR LIPS! Try practicing this phrase over and over before you need it—you’ll be glad you did.

What makes you mad? Which of these keys can you use to help defuse your anger?

Poppy Smith is British, married to an American, and has lived in many countries. A former Bible Study Fellowship teaching leader with a Masters in Spiritual Formation, she is a multi-published author who speaks globally challenging women to make their lives count by looking at their choices, attitudes, and relationship with God. Poppy has just returned from ministry in China and had a fun time signing her one book that is in Chinese! Visit her website.  

Get Better, Don't Get Even

Author Charlotte Riegel asked some of the questions we ask when we’re boxed in by tough circumstances. But she helps us remember why we should take off the boxing gloves in this helpful Attitude UPGRADE.

“Feeling overwhelmed by our circumstances and unable to concentrate on the sermon being delivered, I quietly slipped out of my pew and left the building,” Charlotte wrote.

“Feeling overwhelmed” … have you been there? I (Dawn) have. And in those times, I’ve discovered I often require an attitude adjustment.

Charlotte continues …

The beautiful spring morning beckoned my enjoyment as I wandered the streets surrounding the church. Turning onto a pathway through trees in a nearby community park, I began sobbing, unable to contain the grief, anger and confusion seeking an outlet.

My husband, Stan, had recently been told his teaching contract would not be renewed, and with four children to provide for, I struggled with “Why?” and “What now?” questions.

We had managed to survive the three years on “below the Canadian poverty line” wages because of frugal living patterns taught by my husband’s parents who learned these life skills during the Depression. We had no savings.

Stan was angry about the dismissal and considered what reprisal actions he might utilize.

The administration’s reasons for not renewing his contract seemed very shallow. He loved his students and they often told him how much they appreciated his instructions. However, they did not sign his pay check. He worried about how he would provide for his family.

A glance at my watch forced me to put a stopper on the tears and head back to church before someone came looking for me after the service ended.

It was the Easter season. On my walk back to the church, I remembered Christ’s sacrifice. 

Jesus knew the grief of rejection, yet He said nothing. He did not fight back.  He did not call “ten thousand angels to set him free,” but instead He died, alone.

I knew we were being called not to retaliate, but to trust God for what lies ahead. Jesus is our example.  

Condemned.

Sometimes like Christ

We stand condemned

By just, or unjust means.

Then we must die

To rise again

Liberated and free.

Aware that retaliation would only bring us more stress and possibly more grief, we silently adjusted our life direction and started down a different path. A new job was found without major distress, and it paid considerably better, thereby helping us care for our growing family with more ease.

“Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it” (Romans 12:17-19, The Message).

When are you tempted to retaliate? How can you respond more like Jesus did?

Charlotte Riegel is a freelance writer living in Rosebud, Alberta. She can be contacted at bridgesofhope2@gmail.com. Follow Charlotte at her blog.

Graphic in text, adapted - Image courtesy of hin255 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What's Better Than 'Counting to 10'?

In this Attitudes UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson helps us think biblically about our anger issues.

Some things just tick me off.

Insensitive people. Liars. Bratty kids. Government overspending. Immodest women in Wal-Mart. People who stab me in the back.

In the past, when I felt my ire growing, I practiced the old adage, “When angry, count to 10.”

The only problem is, I vented a lot of inner anger in between 1 and 9. And inner anger can be just as destructive as the kind we allow to explode all over others.

Between 1 and 9, I knew I wasn’t much like Jesus.

The mishandled stress and bitterness poisoned my soul. So, what’s better than counting to 10?

Breathing … praying … forgiving … thanking.

(1) Breathing

OK… to be honest, when I’ve “counted” in the past, I slowed down and breathed. It was calming. But it needed to be more than a physical exercise. We need to be still in those moments and acknowledge the presence of God (Psalm 46:10).

Now, when a circumstance arises that threatens to tick me off, I breathe out the venom and breath in God’s prescription for peace. At that moment, I surrender to what God is doing, and yield my rights to the Holy Spirit. 

I believe this is what Jesus did on the cross. He surrendered in the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:39-46), already determining He would not run from the plan to secure salvation for those who would believe. And indeed, He did not come down off the cross as His enemies “encouraged” Him to do with mocking remarks (Luke 23:37).

A surrendered soul is free to experience the tough things in life with sweet, inner peace. There may be a spark of protest, but it is quickly extinguished with the grace, love and forgiveness of Christ.

(2) Praying

One of the biggest heart changes for me—an action that turned reactions into responses—was to instantly pray (Philippians 4:6; Ephesians 6:18; Matthew 5:44). To pray for my offender. To pray for strength in my temptation. To pray for God’s grace in my time of need. Prayer turns our focus God-ward.

Try that when someone yells at you and you're tempted to react more like the devil than Jesus!

(3) Forgiving

I realized that we always have a choice to forgive (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32; Matthew 6:14). Rather than spewing angry words and bitterness that defile others, I can choose to cover them with kindness and pour out the love of Christ. Again, my heart attitude is God-ward rather than ruled by circumstances.

Try that next time someone cuts you off in traffic ... or takes your place in line ... or gets the praise you think you "deserve." Instant grace can be difficult, but it's a sign of spiritual maturity.

(4) Thanking

I’ll admit it. This one is tough. But the Bible says we’re to be thankful in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

We thank God, not necessarily for the circumstance itself—although we might recognize how a situation causes us to stop and think and perhaps find a lesson in the pain—but that He will use even this tough thing to shape us and make us more like Christ. We acknowledge that God uses and redeems all things for His glory (Romans 8:28).

So, if it helps you, count to 10 when you’re ticked off, but don’t stop there. Practice these biblical responses—breathe, pray, forgive, and thank—and watch God flood your life with His peace.

What really ticks you off? Own your anger ... and then consider which of these biblical responses could best help you deal with it.

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God, and Upgrade with Dawn. In these ministries and as President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego), Dawn encourages, edifies and energizes women. She wrote "The Blessing Basket" in the new book, It's a God Thing. Dawn and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

How to Counter Lies about Anger

Leslie Vernick is a counselor, coach, author and speaker who loves to enrich people’s relationships. In this post, she addresses the lies people believe about anger.

“Anger is a normal part of being a human being,” she says, “but it can be a dangerous emotion and has the potential to wreck our relationships and our lives.”

I (Dawn) thought I never had an "anger issue" because I don't blow up. But the Lord showed me I can be angry under the surface. It shows up in bitterness, resentment and a host of other attitudes that are just as ugly as ungodly external anger.

Leslie continues …      

Here are the four most common lies about anger, and God’s countering truth.

1.   When I feel angry, I must let it all out.

Too much damage has been done to people we love by blurting out angry feelings in the moment of their greatest intensity. Doing this might provide some sort of relief but it is never beneficial to the hearer or the relationship. 

Proverbs 12:18 says reckless words pierce like a sword, and Proverbs 29:11 warns us, "Only a fool gives full vent to his anger."

Better ways to get some relief from intense anger are to journal or pray your honest emotions to God. 

2.    Other people or provoking situations make me angry. 

We say things like, “You make me so mad!” or “If you wouldn’t have done that, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Difficult people or situations don’t MAKE us angry, although they do tempt us. What really happens when we encounter these kinds of people is that they expose us.  Jesus tells us, “It is out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

Start to listen to your internal self-talk when you feel angry. For example, “I can’t believe this is happening to me” or “they can’t get away with this.” 

Start to understand what the real problem is that’s causing our anger to escalate. Our own thought life. Calm yourself down (with different self talk and God’s Word).

3.    I’m entitled to use my anger to get what I want—if what I want is a good thing.

Anger motivates us and helps us to speak up against wrong, as well as take action to fight against injustice and evil in our world. Because it is such a powerful force however, the apostle Paul warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Most of the time what we want is permeated with self-centered desires. James 4:1 asks us what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among us? He says it comes because we’re not getting what we want.

The Bible tells us not to merely look out for our own interests (what we want), but also the interests of others (Philippians 2:4).

4.    I have always had a bad temper and this is just the way I am. I can’t change.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he not only redeems us but he restores us. He changes us. The deeper problem that causes your anger is what needs to change.

Romans 8:5 says, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires.”

When God changes our heart, it’s not that we never get angry, but we no longer want to use our anger as a weapon to demand our own way, prove our point or make sure everyone knows we’re right. We don’t want to hold onto grudges, nurse resentment or harbor bitterness in our heart. Instead we want to forgive and reconcile.

I want to look out for the interests of others because I care about them and therefore I hold my anger in check when I’m not getting what I want and weigh that with what others might want or need.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger (or a woman’s anger) does not produce the righteous life that God desires (James1:19-20)

What triggers your anger? Have you believed any of these lies about emotionally-destructive anger?

Leslie Vernick is a national and international speaker, author, licensed clinical social worker, consultant and relationship coach with an expertise on the subjects of personal and spiritual growth, marriage improvement, conflict resolution, depression, child abuse, destructive relationships and domestic violence. She has 25 years of experience helping people enrich the relationships that matter most! Visit her website!

Graphic in Text, adapted: Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net