After Almost 50 Years of Marriage ...

Kathy Collard Miller's honesty about her own personal weaknesses and how God has transformed them and enabled her to build a marriage in strength. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she gets honest about what almost destroyed her marriage, and three concepts that have made a huge difference.

"When we were married on June 20, 1970, I thought trusting that God had chosen Larry and I for each other was enough," Kathy says. "As a result, we went through some very difficult times."

I (Dawn) know every marriage has rough patches. Sometimes turbulent ones. But I know what Kathy shares here is true. We can make choices to strengthen our own marriage to the glory of God.

It's almost Valentine's Day—the perfect time to examine our marriages and consider where they still need to grow.

Kathy continues . . .

For our long-lasting wonderful relationship, I depend upon three basic concepts. They may seem too simple, but they make a world of difference.

1. We’re different.

Seems too basic? It’s not. Every child grows up thinking that the way they view people, life, and God is the right way.

But we don’t recognize how our different experiences influence our current belief system and can negatively affect our marriage. I still fall into it at times—to the peril of our marriage.

God wants to use those differences to help us believe God’s perspective, not our own.

Proverbs 27:17 tells us, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

After we married, I told Larry, “I’m going to the bank to open our Christmas fund.” He looked horrified and said, “No, you’re not!”

I was offended.

My mother paid for our many gifts by saving all year. Larry only received one gift from his parents and no gifts from relatives. What a shock!

Not only did we have different past experiences, we had gender differences. The world wants us to think there are no differences, but God created male and female different.

When Larry is telling me something sweet, I find it hard to believe because he can’t seem to look me in the eye. But men have a hard time doing that when saying something positive. When they are saying something confrontational, they have no trouble at all.

Like all gender differences, this difference is a generalization, but very true over all. Now that I know, I can believe his words without him looking directly at me.

2. Everyone can grow and change.

When I’m disgruntled with Larry, what’s bothering me convinces me he won’t ever change. I can rehearse every wrong thing he’s done to support my bitterness.

I’m convinced that if I hadn’t finally believed everyone can change, I could have walked out the door—or at the least continued in my hopelessness about my horrible marriage.

But BOTH of us have changed and for the better. It hasn’t always been as fast as I want but we have learned to be more patient, supportive and understanding.

If we believe any person can’t change, we are saying God doesn’t love that person.

Hebrews 12:6 assures us, “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”

Even when nothing seems to be happening in our mate’s heart, God is on the move.

We can most support His work by receiving God’s correction ourselves.

Remember: no one is beyond God’s ability to influence and change. He may be using resources we don’t know about.

3. God is FOR your marriage.

He wants your marriage to persevere and prosper, because it represents Him to the world.

Ephesians 5:31-32 tells us, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

During many of the times I focused on the negatives of Larry’s behavior or attitudes, I was convinced God didn’t care about our marriage.

But I’m now convinced He not only cares; God is passionate about representing His perfections through helping us learn to love each other more.

No, not become perfect.

But our increasing joy and contentment point to Him.

Do you want a long-lasting marriage? At this point, it might be hard to envision celebrating 50 years married to your spouse. I sure never thought it would be around the corner for us.

But you’ll get there as you live day by day reminding yourself that

• your spouse is different than you by God’s design,
• everyone can change and God is working on it,
• and God is for your marriage.

Which of those three points is most important to you right now, and how can you remind yourself of its truth?

Kathy Collard Miller and Larry, a retired police lieutenant, have had many adventures together, including writing, speaking, being lay-counselors, and traveling the world. They live in Southern California and have two children and two grandchildren. One of Kathy’s recent books is No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom, which tells the story of how God healed their marriage and delivered Kathy from her abusive anger. Visit her website for more information.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Wife of Excellence at Pixabay.

Still 'Smitten' over Your Husband? (Part 2)

In Part 1 of this Marriage UPGRADE post on cultivating a better marriage relationship, Dawn reminded us of the "smitten" love newlyweds have, something that is often lost in the years to follow.

"It's not a matter of becoming crazy and irresponsible, but rather, learning to appreciate and grow with the one God has so graciously given us," Dawn says. "It's about building on and strengthening attraction, not letting it wane."

Dawn continues with Part 2 . . .

I love to watch elderly couples who are so obviously in love.

It's not something that just happens. They have to build on that early "smitten" love and make the bonds of attraction even stronger.

I'm not a marriage expert, but here are my top 5 Suggestions to Build on the "smitten" part of your marriage:

1. Build Communication

• Share your appreciation.
• Be transparent and communicate what's on your heart; something more than family business.
• Focus in on your spouse instead of your "next sentence." Graciously take turns speaking.
• LISTEN.
• Don't expect your spouse to read your mind. Your spouse can't act on a request never made.
• Ask God to see something fresh in your spouse as you "dig a little deeper" in conversation.
• Use your tongue wisely (James 3:6). Ask: "Would I want my spouse to talk to me this way?" You may need to adapt or change not only your words, but your tone of voice and body language.
• Be quick to say, "I love you!" and to follow through in ways that show you mean it.
• Dream together. Talk about plans for your future together.

2. Build Grace

• Learn to be a good, quick "forgiver" (Colossians 3:13). Keep short accounts with each other. Forgive as Christ has forgiven you — and in case you need a reminder, that's a LOT!
• Deal with your own bitter or angry attitudes right away (Ephesians 4:31-32).
• Be quick to say, "Please forgive me; I was wrong."
• Own your own issues. Don't project them onto your spouse.
• Think about your spoken and unspoken expectations ... and give them to the Lord.
• Judging belongs in a courtroom, not a marriage. "I'm sorry you feel that way; can we talk about it?" is always better than a pointed accusation.
• Let love and grace rein.

3. Build Selflessness

• Think service, not selfishness. We're already called to serve the Lord (Galatians 5:13) and this should carry over into serving others (Mark 10:43).
• Try putting your spouses's needs above your own and watch that kindness blossom (Philippians 2:4).
• Consider ways you can help your spouse shine in public.

4. Build Fun

• Yes, it really is OK to laugh together. Remember how you did that when you dated? As newlyweds? Even when those crazy kids came along? Laughter cushions many of the bumps in marriage. Ask God for a joyful heart (Proverbs 17:22).
• Be quick to say "yes" when your spouse offers time together. What you allow in your schedule indicates your priorities. Is everything else (work, housework, volunteering, children, etc.) more important than your husband?
• Learn how to relax together. To rest. It's important to peace in your relationship and home. All work and no play can be a recipe for disintegration.
• ENJOY each other in as many ways as you can: emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially and yes, physically.

5. Build Strength.

I probably should have put this one first, because it's a core building block.

Spiritual intimacy can be the glue on days when you feel like life is falling apart.

• Plan ways to grow spiritually together.
   - Pray together, if your spouse will agree to do so.
   - Seek God's will together in the Word. 
   - Worship together.
   - (NOTE: If your spouse will not participate, that shouldn't stop you from praying, seeking and worshiping the Lord. God honors those who honor Him.)
• Commit to each other every day; never letting the word "divorce" move from your thoughts to your lips. In fact, give those destructive thoughts immediately to the Lord and align your thinking with scripture.)
• "Think on" and talk about the things that will make your marriage stronger (Philippians 4:8).

I encourage you to return—eyes wide open and wiser—to "smitten." Give it more effort, and give it time, but start today! Plan now to be one of those elderly couples who still enjoy that special "smitten" relationship.

Ask the Lord to help you be STRONGLY ATTRACTED to your spouse.

Which of these 5 "Smitten" builders might help you build this stronger bond today?

Dawn Wilson, founder of Heart Choices Today and Upgrade with Dawn, is a contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic of senior couple: courtesy of Morguefile.

Still 'Smitten' over Your Husband? (Part 1)

In this two-part Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn reminds us we need to cultivate attraction in a marriage relationship if we want to see it grow.

Some time ago, I read this funny statement: "When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date!" *

That made me laugh, but it also made me think about all those love-smitten couples who carved. (Not that it's the healthiest thing for a tree, but it was likely healthy for the couples' relationship.)

If you are married (and if you are not, think about a married couple you know), you might remember two people staring deep into each other's eyes, transfixed by the glorious creature in front of them — clearly "gaga" over each other.

Maybe they actually did carve their initials in a heart on a tree trunk. Maybe she wrote her name over and over on a piece of paper, with the word "Mrs." in front of her name. Maybe he daydreamed about her all day. Maybe they had trouble thinking at work, eager for the next date together.

Smitten!

One meaning of the word "smitten" is "to be strongly attracted to someone or something." Yes, it certainly does appear to be so in nearly-weds and newlyweds who are so totally wrapped up in each other to the point they see no one else! Their excitement is over the top. They're smitten to the point of distraction.

And isn't it fun to watch them?

I'm glad I can see that wild enthusiasm and crazy infatuation in some couples married for 50 years and beyond! I know more than one couple in their 70s and 80s who still hold hands ... still smile at each other with delight ... still praise each other in public ... still send each other love notes ... still are totally engaged and attracted by their spouse ... smitten.

Some say, "That's so sweet."

I'd add, "That's so important!"

I'm always sad when people tell newlyweds, "with time, reality sets in."

That's how it's portrayed, right? When we face the tough things in marriage, or simply as the years pass,  "reality" sets in and we no longer feel smitten. We think in terms of "comfortable and coping." 

Now there's nothing wrong with those descriptions of married love, and believe me, I'm not suggesting we become irresponsible kids. "Comfortable and coping" are great! Marriage should bring maturity and wisdom through the years, and a deepening sense of commitment, mutual yielding, service and even sacrifice.

But let's not lose this "smitten" thing entirely. Let's make it part of our reality.

Let me explain.

I think we have an example of "smitten" love in the Bible. We observe the blossoming of pure love in the Song of Songs as the king is fixated, charmed by his beloved. We hear the young Shulammite Bride's lovesick responses. While there are so many themes we could consider in this short story, it's not hard to see how smitten this couple was. Their sweet, passionately-expressed love was perfectly wholesome and good.

"Behold, how beautiful you are, my darling ...." (Song of Songs 1:15)

"Behold, how fair and handsome you are, my beloved; and so delightful!" (Song of Songs 1:16)

(A passing thought ... had Solomon continued to pursue his beloved one with such head-over-heels passion, maybe he wouldn't have added those other wives. Or maybe the Shulammite lost her feelings of being smitten. It works both ways.)

Yes, we begin to see the "warts" in our Beloved some time after the honeymoon, but those weaknesses can be viewed differently as we see them through the filter of God's love and choose to leave any "spousal project management" to the Father's wisdom.

True love doesn't ignore the weaknesses in the one loved. It simply chooses to value the loved one highly and appreciate—with grace and hope—the magnificent and beautiful gift God gave us.

Love sees what's there, but also sees the potential "in Christ."

One of my favorite work projects while working with a revival ministry was collaborating with a team of godly people to create the "30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge." It was designed to help women speak positively to and about their husbands every day for a month, and to watch the Lord work.

I must confess, as I worked on the project, I became painfully aware of something: encouraging my husband wasn't my normal habit. At that time, my marriage was good, but not great. I'd lost that "smitten" feeling. Somehow the attraction had weakened. I didn't think this was God's plan, and looking back, there were many reasons (not excuses) for the decline.

Day Ten of the challenge was expecially convicting:

"... when we spend time criticizing our husbands, we lose time that could be spent admiring and remembering why we chose that person in the first place!"

At that moment, the "teacher" became the student. Since working on that project, I've been through the challenge several times and have grown spiritually and in my marriage each time. And you know what?

"Smitten" returned.

I found myself freshly transfixed on and attracted to my man — his character, thoughts, attitudes, integrity, responsibility, talents, kindness and more. I prayed with new insight, "I'm so grateful, Lord, you brought Bob and I together."

I discovered something unexpected too:

When I'm thoroughly and gloriously "smitten," there's greater potential my hubby will become more "smitten" too.

Funny how that works. I'm thankful my husband responded in sweet and strong ways.

But even if my husband never responded the way I'd hoped, I still believed:

Cultivating love and appreciation toward my spouse brings glory to God.

It's true, because I'm learning how to express appreciation for someone my Father created just for me, and that gratitude is one way to praise HIM!

In PART TWO of this post, I'll share my top 5 Suggestions to Build on the "Smitten" Part of Your Marriage.

What do you think "smitten" looks like in newly-marrieds? Why do you think it so often decline? What can you do to encourage being freshly attracted to your spouse?

Dawn Wilson, founder of Heart Choices Today and Upgrade with Dawn, is a contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

* Humor from Cybersalt Digest, One Liner #0923, Issue #3956, 8-2-13

Graphic: "The Carvings Tree" - from The Washington Post on Pinterest (original link unknown at this time).