Your Marriage: Pulling Apart or Pulling Together?

In this Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson asks married couples to examine their relationships to see if they are healthy and supportive—pulling together or pulling apart.

"When we pull apart in willful self-interest, we impede progress, but when we pull together, we can accomplish much to the glory of God."

One night when I couldn't sleep, I turned on the TV and watched the program Dogs 101 on the Animal Planet channel.

I couldn't stop laughing as I watched one segment about the training of sled dog puppies.

Two adorable pups were gently linked with a rope. They instantly tugged and pulled, trying to get away from each other. They snipped at each other and barked, each trying to get the other to stop being stubborn and go their way.

As a result, they were stuck pretty much in one spot.

But the trainers didn't give up. They kept linking the dogs every day until suddenly, the pups realized if they pulled together, they'd get somewhere. At that point, the pups almost seemed to celebrate, and they were finally enjoying each other's company. They scampered together all over the yard.

They were on their way to becoming successful members of "a sled team."

I thought, "How like a marriage."

We have it in our power to make tremendous progress as "a marriage team" and do great exploits for the Lord when we pull together.

But the opposite is also true. When we are selfish and demand our own way, we hinder what God might want to do through our marriage—and through our spouse.

The sad truth is, when a couple pulls apart, their marriage can easily come apart!

In 2020 amid the lockdowns and restrictions with the COVID-19 pandemic, many couples experienced tremendous stress. For too many, that led to divorce.

According to an article at WebMd, sales of online self-help divorce agreements rose by 34% in the spring of 2020 compared to 2019; and family lawyers surveyed in April and July reported a 25% to 35% increase in requests to start divorce proceedings.

This wasn't just among unbelievers.

The website FamilyLife shared an article by Sabrina Beasley McDonald to its Christian audience about not becoming a coronavirus divorce statistic.

I wondered if the pandemic simply amplified what was already going on in our homes.

Pam Farrel—co-founder of Love-Wise with her husband, Bill, and co-author of Marriage Meet Ups— addressed this problem.

"Many who are seeking divorce say, 'We just drifted apart,'" she said.

"So if we drifted away from one another, we can set a course to drift back together. We can choose to set a course of marital success, intimacy, and unity in love."

Dr. Crawford Loritts, pastor of Fellowship Bible Church in Roswell, Georgia, said there's always a measure of conflict in a marriage. Early on in their relationship, he and his wife had times when they didn't see eye to eye. He admitted they knew there'd be stress, but early on, "we didn't know what to do."

But Crawford and Karen were determined to protect their marriagew. As a result, stress didn't drive them apart; it drove them to their knees—together.

Joni Eareckson Tada wrote about the early days of the pandemic when the "short fuses, bruised feelings, sharp words, and cold shoulders" in her marriage with Ken became "almost commonplace that first week of sheltering in place."

After a while, they grew tired of pulling together. Ken especially was getting weary since he had to constantly care for Joni—which involves a lot!—because her regular caretakers weren't able to come during the lockdown.

But Joni and Ken prioritized their love. They quickly realized they had to "get a grip."

They came to God's Word as a couple and focused on the word "persevering" (James 1:12). They found new strength and decided not to allow the devil to drive a wedge between them.

There is so much that could be written about how to build a marriage relationship. Ministries like Focus on the Family and the Farrels' love-wise.com share great insights.

The main purpose of this post is to invite readers to examine where they might be pulling apart in their marriage—and how they can determine to pull together. I'm not an expert on marriage, but God is! Be sure to seek His wisdom.

Sometimes what creates a "pulling together" marriage is simply the willingness of a couple to regularly take stock of their marriage and make adjustments.  

Helpful Questions, Suggestions, and Scriptures

Q#1. What actions in our marriage show we are being selfish as individuals and not cooperative or sensitive to our spouse's needs?

Be specific about those actions, but share them in a loving way (1 Corinthians 13:6; Ephesians 4:15; 1 John 3:18).

Avoid harsh accusation. When sharing, say, "I feel that ...." rather than "You always/never ....."

Q#2. What words to each other serve to push us away from each other rather than drawing us closer in our relationship?

Make a conscious effort to listen in conversations (Proverbs 12:15; 18:13; 17:28). Be "quick to listen" (James 1:19).

Are you kind and forgiving—offering grace to your partner—or are you using put-downs and playing a blame game? (Proverbs 21:23; Ephesians 4:32; James 1:26)

Do you have unreasonable expectations for your spouse? Are they simply your preferences? How would you know your expectations are reasonable or not? What does God and His Word say about your expectations?

Q#3. How does our level of intimacy (personal/sexual, etc.) reflect that we are pulling apart or pulling together?

Consider the reasons (which are not excuses) for a lack of intimacy or diminished intimacy. (Intimacy may be revealed in verbal expressions; loving gestures; intimate conversations, etc.).

Study God's perspective on sexuality in marriage. The sexual relationship—especially a lack of sexual intimacy—might be an indicator of damaging stress in the relationship.

Don't allow pornography or adultery or any sexual immorality to rob your marriage of godly intimacy (Hebrews 13:4; Matthew 5:28; Proverbs 5:15-19; 1 Corinthians 6:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).

Be willing to discuss sexual issues with your spouse for the health of your marriage—and don't be afraid to discuss it with a Christian counselor, if necessary.

Here's a helpful article with steps to rekindle intimacy.

Q#4. Are we just "getting along," or are we intentionally growing a stronger bond to help us face tough times?

This is just logical. If we do not intentionally put as much effort into marriage as a job, parenting, friendships, hobbies, etc., how can we expect it to be successful?

We marry our partners for their strengths, but sometimes flinch over their weaknesses. God designed marriage to be a greenhouse for growth. Consider how you might help your partner—with his/her permission—grow into maturity in Christ.

A good marriage requires continuing investment—nurture yours daily in many practical ways (serving, encouraging, challenging, giving, etc.). Use your spiritual gift/s in positive and productive  ways.

Q#5. What are our godly rules of engagement for dealing with offenses in our marriage?

Every couple experiences times of confrontation, and attitudes are important. Do you "fight fair"?

How will you know when you've overstepped loving boundaries?

For starters, read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a —as you work through problems, be loving, patient, humble, calm, forgiving, and unselfish. Honor and protect your marriage, and place trust and hope in your partner for the best for your marriage.

Q#6. What tools that God has given us do we regularly use to pull together in our marriage?

Here are some tools for growth: prayer together, reading and discussing scripture together, attending church and/or Bible studies together, and meeting with people in the family of faith who can mentor us or demonstrate a strong marriage.

Q#7. How will we know when our marriage is in trouble... and what will we do?

Take time to discuss your own marriage "stress points."

Discuss and pray about mutual accountability to build up each other and your marriage (Proverbs 27:17; Galatians 6:1-2; Ephesians 4:25; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Decide now when you will call for help so you can better learn how to pull together. What is the trigger for intervention?

Be careful, friend.

No matter how strong you think your marriage is right not, the enemy wants to destroy it.

• Don't take anything for granted.
• Don't assume your partner is on the same page regarding your marriage.
• Work at your marriage every day.
• Spread everything about your marriage before the Lord and ask for wisdom! (James 1:5)

Remember those sled dogs!

Pulling different directions may be comical in pups, but not in marriage partners.

Which of those seven questions struck a chord in your heart? Is there something to begin working on today?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Violetta at Pixabay.

After Almost 50 Years of Marriage ...

Kathy Collard Miller's honesty about her own personal weaknesses and how God has transformed them and enabled her to build a marriage in strength. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she gets honest about what almost destroyed her marriage, and three concepts that have made a huge difference.

"When we were married on June 20, 1970, I thought trusting that God had chosen Larry and I for each other was enough," Kathy says. "As a result, we went through some very difficult times."

I (Dawn) know every marriage has rough patches. Sometimes turbulent ones. But I know what Kathy shares here is true. We can make choices to strengthen our own marriage to the glory of God.

It's almost Valentine's Day—the perfect time to examine our marriages and consider where they still need to grow.

Kathy continues . . .

For our long-lasting wonderful relationship, I depend upon three basic concepts. They may seem too simple, but they make a world of difference.

1. We’re different.

Seems too basic? It’s not. Every child grows up thinking that the way they view people, life, and God is the right way.

But we don’t recognize how our different experiences influence our current belief system and can negatively affect our marriage. I still fall into it at times—to the peril of our marriage.

God wants to use those differences to help us believe God’s perspective, not our own.

Proverbs 27:17 tells us, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

After we married, I told Larry, “I’m going to the bank to open our Christmas fund.” He looked horrified and said, “No, you’re not!”

I was offended.

My mother paid for our many gifts by saving all year. Larry only received one gift from his parents and no gifts from relatives. What a shock!

Not only did we have different past experiences, we had gender differences. The world wants us to think there are no differences, but God created male and female different.

When Larry is telling me something sweet, I find it hard to believe because he can’t seem to look me in the eye. But men have a hard time doing that when saying something positive. When they are saying something confrontational, they have no trouble at all.

Like all gender differences, this difference is a generalization, but very true over all. Now that I know, I can believe his words without him looking directly at me.

2. Everyone can grow and change.

When I’m disgruntled with Larry, what’s bothering me convinces me he won’t ever change. I can rehearse every wrong thing he’s done to support my bitterness.

I’m convinced that if I hadn’t finally believed everyone can change, I could have walked out the door—or at the least continued in my hopelessness about my horrible marriage.

But BOTH of us have changed and for the better. It hasn’t always been as fast as I want but we have learned to be more patient, supportive and understanding.

If we believe any person can’t change, we are saying God doesn’t love that person.

Hebrews 12:6 assures us, “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”

Even when nothing seems to be happening in our mate’s heart, God is on the move.

We can most support His work by receiving God’s correction ourselves.

Remember: no one is beyond God’s ability to influence and change. He may be using resources we don’t know about.

3. God is FOR your marriage.

He wants your marriage to persevere and prosper, because it represents Him to the world.

Ephesians 5:31-32 tells us, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

During many of the times I focused on the negatives of Larry’s behavior or attitudes, I was convinced God didn’t care about our marriage.

But I’m now convinced He not only cares; God is passionate about representing His perfections through helping us learn to love each other more.

No, not become perfect.

But our increasing joy and contentment point to Him.

Do you want a long-lasting marriage? At this point, it might be hard to envision celebrating 50 years married to your spouse. I sure never thought it would be around the corner for us.

But you’ll get there as you live day by day reminding yourself that

• your spouse is different than you by God’s design,
• everyone can change and God is working on it,
• and God is for your marriage.

Which of those three points is most important to you right now, and how can you remind yourself of its truth?

Kathy Collard Miller and Larry, a retired police lieutenant, have had many adventures together, including writing, speaking, being lay-counselors, and traveling the world. They live in Southern California and have two children and two grandchildren. One of Kathy’s recent books is No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom, which tells the story of how God healed their marriage and delivered Kathy from her abusive anger. Visit her website for more information.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Wife of Excellence at Pixabay.

3 Ways to Recapture Your Husband's Heart

Pastor's wife and author Cindi McMenamin encourages women in their walk with God and relationships, and in this Marriage UPGRADE she offers wives a good challenge for Valentine'sDay—and every day.

Cindi asks, “Do you ever wish you could turn back the clock, erase the baggage, and have your husband see you the way he once did?”

That question struck home hard with me (Dawn) when I read it. Physically, I've been working on my health, weight and appearance, and it makes me smile that my husband has taken notice! But I've also wondered during my Quiet Times with the Lord, "Is there something in my spirit that has changed (for the worse) since our marriage?" Cindi has good insight for me... and all of us.

Cindi continues . . .

I’ll never forget the day I was cleaning through my top dresser drawer and found a treasure.

I almost threw out the stack of aged, yellowed papers, weathered by time and slightly torn on the edges. When I unfolded the papers and read through them, I instantly realized why I’d kept them all those years.

They were love letters from my husband—written nearly 30 years ago—that included phrases like these:

• “I love you beyond expression.”
• “You complete me like no other.”
• “I love you desperately.”

As I read through them, my eyes teared up.

And then my heart dropped.

I haven’t had a letter like this from him in years.

All of the letters dated back to the first few years that we were married. And they all described the captivating woman he saw me as—the woman I had hoped in my heart of hearts that I still was.

How I would have loved to believe that I hadn’t changed a bit through the years. How easy it would have been to believe that he was the one who had become distant, more critical, less interested and less passionate than he was the day we married.

It was a little tougher to put that magnifying glass up to myself and ask if I was the one who let resentments build up or baggage get in the way.

I realized if I was to be the cherished wife who receives another letter like that one day, I would have to BECOME that woman my husband wrote to so many years ago.

Here are a few of the steps I took to remove the baggage, rebuild love, and recapture my husband’s heart. And I am confident they can work for you, too.

1. RESPOND to Him Like a New Wife.

When I asked myself what it was I was doing to make my husband write letters to me like he once did, the answer was simple: I was responding to him like a new bride. 

Remember when you were a brand new bride?

• You couldn’t wait until the two of you got off work so you could be together again.
• You constantly checked your voicemail messages to see if he had called during the day.
• You had a special sparkle in your eyes when you talked of him and a spring in your step when you walked alongside him.

What would it take to get back that loving feeling for him?

If you’re waiting for him to do something different, I guarantee he will when YOU start responding to him like you once did when you were a brand new bride.  

2. REFRAME What You Say to Him.

Most of the baggage in marriage comes from words the two of you have said to one another.

Careless words. Accusing words. Hurtful words.

Many times we didn’t even intend for those words to sound the way they did. That’s why we must learn to reframe what we say to our husbands.

Ephesians 4:29 instructs us to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

So, instead of saying, “Are you going to wear THAT to dinner?”—say instead, “I’d love it if you’d wear that new shirt you look great in.”

And instead of saying, “Why don’t we go out on dates anymore?”—try instead, “I miss spending time alone with you.”

Ask yourself, before the words exit your mouth, “Am I saying this in a way that will encourage him?”

3. REFUSE to Dwell on the Negatives!

Every married couple has experienced wounds that are best left in the past.

Negative thoughts and memories of old wounds may assault you at times, but don’t let them run rampant in your mind.

Instead, practice 2 Corinthians 10:5, which instructs us to “take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Capture that thought and kill it.

And then remember why you fell in love with your husband in the first place.

• Was it his tenderness?
• The way he made you laugh?
• His dependability and faithfulness no matter what the circumstance?

Focus on his positive qualities—even ones that you believe are no longer there—and you just might start noticing them again.

Which of these three steps can you begin taking today to recapture the heart of your husband?

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 16 books who has been married 30 years to a  pastor and introvert. Her newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, released Feb. 1 from Harvest House Publishers. For more on her resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Alexas Fotos at Pixabay.