When Comments about Your Health 'Sting'

Lisa Copen, founder of Rest Ministries, knows a lot about suffering with health issues. Unfortunately, she also knows about insensitive comments. Here is her story in an encouraging Health and Relationships UPGRADE.

“We may find ourselves surprised to discover just how much we are the on the minds of loved ones who are around us,” Lisa says, “They may actually be concerned about us more than we admit in regard to our illness. So when they comment about our illness in a way that stings we are left wondering about their intentions.”

I (Dawn) have been there. I was ill with an "invisible" condition, and a friend's insensitive comment left me depressed. Has that ever happened to you? How should we respond?

Lisa continues . . .

We can try our hardest to not let the hurt feelings we experience bother us. And we can acknowledge their heart’s concern.

There are moments the “wounds from a friend can be trusted” (Proverbs 27:6). Perhaps the people we are counting on to be understanding are struggling to communicate their concern; and their comments might be interpreted all wrong.

It was 1993 when I received a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis. My life changed rapidly. Some people at church and work felt no reluctance in telling me their thoughts about my doctor’s diagnosis–which was: I was not old enough to have this in their ‘expert’ opinion.

As a 24-year-old young woman, living over a thousand miles away from the place I grew up, the decisions I was forced into making about treatment choices felt serious and overwhelming. I meticulously poured through brochures and paperwork researching medications, therapies and alternative treatments.

I went out of my way to see specialized doctors and compared different drugs and their side effects, with the long-term result of choosing not to use certain medication.

The mixed-up advice from people who had never even heard of my chronic condition felt like a personal attack on my level of common sense. My emotional side thought, “The nerve!’

I must admit, of those who casually shared insensitive statements, it was those who questioned the genuineness of my faith that hurt the most.

Have you experienced what Proverbs 18:2 says about a friend who “finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions”?

I researched the inspiring autobiographies of Christians who endured physically suffering: Joni Eareckson Tada and Dave Dravecky. They faced the same sort of comments and insults I did.

If strangers these heroes in the ministry of suffering didn’t have enough faith to be totally healed, what made me believe I was exempt?

I’ve also heard some rather derogatory comments, and it’s always a struggle to simply smile and say, “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t necessarily agree.”

Sometimes people want me to have a ministry for those who are already healed or a ministry that tries to “get people healed.” They expect me to use a certain formula they think God uses.

Personally, I just don’t have a passion for a ministry that focuses solely on healing. Many of those already are available. I would be thrilled to wake up tomorrow and find I was healed, but God has called me to a ministry where people are still sick today. I want to meet each individual wherever they are before they have experienced a healing. I want to be part of the ministry that stands by them if healing doesn’t comes this side of heaven.

Through the organization I began in 1996, Rest Ministries—for the chronically ill—I have ministered to many audiences, including pastors and chaplains, as well as those coping with invisible disabilities. But I am still vulnerable to being told, “If you had more faith, you would get healed.”

Frequently, people glance over the table of our resources and books and then say, “This is wonderful, but you should try ‘fill-in-the-blank-alternative-treatment-here,’ and then you would be healed. And then that could be your more helpful ministry!”

In some strange way, though I still to get upset with the limitations and degeneration of my disease, I am just beginning to understand 1 Peter 4:13. It speaks of considering it “pure joy to suffer" for Christ.

And I am not alone in this regard. Many people with chronic visible and invisible disabilities confess that, though they are not especially “joyful” about their circumstances, they have discovered life is more meaningful—even though bittersweet—due to the suffering they have experienced.

Yes. . . I hate pain! And I get tired of it. God does give us grace and endurance to get through another 24 hours. God provided the Israelites manna so they could live one more day, solely depending on Him (Exodus 16). I confess, like the Israelites, I have moments I want to complain, “L-o-o-r-d, I’m tired of the manna!”

As we grow closer to God, the remarks people say will become much less important. They will slide off much easier than we’d ever imagine.

Although there are days it feels like people are purposely trying to say things that will bring us emotional pain, most often they won’t realize the pain they cause.

Grow close to the Father and your faith in man will decrease. You can get past your need for friends to empathize, and your emotions will not be so filled with pain.

Does it feel like no one understands what you are going through? How can leaning into God help you respond in a way that pleases Him? (Check out my book Why Can't I Make People Understand for added insight.)

Lisa Copen began Rest Ministries toencourage those who are chronically ill through daily devotionals, small groups called HopeKeepers, and other support. She is the author of a variety of books including Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend, Why Can't I Make People Understand, and She has lived with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia for twenty years and resides in San Diego with her husband and son.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Tearing and Healing

Lisa Copen, founder of Rest Ministries, encourages us with a Spiritual UPGRADE, written from her unique perspective of dealing with a life of chronic illness and pain. 

Lisa asks, “How does one make sense of the scriptures where it says God will inflict trouble or suffering on us?”

I (Dawn) think that’s an age-old question. Remember the Patriarch Job’s friends, wondering why God allowed Job to suffer so?

Lisa continues . . .

Hosea told God’s people, “Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds” (Hosea 6:1).

This is a difficult verse to swallow when we are feeling beaten down. He tore us to pieces? He has injured us?

On purpose?!

Is this the loving God we worship?

Yes. It is.

For a variety of reasons outside of my illness, this has been the most difficult season in my life. Someone recently gave me a kind compliment on my endurance and faith and I replied,

“It is called ‘face-plant faith’ when you are on your knees–spiritually–every moment.”

So, of all the scriptures, why does this one bring me comfort? Because it reminds me God is still in control.

We don’t worship a God who specializes in leftovers, making something out of Satan’s mess. He can take our sins—our messed up life—and make miracles.

But do we really believe God is at the mercy of waiting for the evil one to play his games so He has something to build on?

No!

 God knew before we were born that our life would have seasons of joy and seasons of tears and He knew every cause of them.

God is much more interested in cleaning us out than cleaning us up.

He debrides us, layer by layer by layer.  He removes everything that impedes our spiritual healing.  

And it hurts. It hurts more than anything we will ever go through.

(NOTE: Lisa explains the painful  "debriding" concept so beautifully in this video.)

But we gradually depend on less of our own strength and more of His. The layers of sin get skimmed off in the fire and yet we still do not get burned.

He may withdraw His protection at times, but never His presence.

It is hard to read scriptures about God not just allowing pain, but sometimes inflicting it. But don’t forget, He is our Father. No pain is without a purpose.

God can only truly heal our heart by getting rid of the sin from the inside out.

Are you going through a tough time of “tearing” right now? Can you see how God might be “debriding” your life to heal you for your good and His glory?

Lisa Copen began Rest Ministries to encourage those who are chronically ill through daily devotionals, small groups called HopeKeepers, and other support. She is the author of a variety of books including Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend. She has lived with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia for twenty years and resides in San Diego with her husband and son.

(This post is adapted from Lisa’s devotional at RestMinistries.com, 11-4-13, “Is Our Suffering God Tearing Us to Pieces to Build Us Back Up?”  

How to Turn 'Tough Things' into Treasure

Lisa Copen has lived for nearly 21 years with degenerative rheumatoid arthritis. Out of her struggle, she created an entire ministry to help people cope with chronic illness. I wanted her to encourage us in a Life UPGRADE.

“Living with illness,” Lisa says, “is like sitting on a pottery wheel as a soft lump of clay,” Lisa says.                             

I (Dawn) think Lisa’s insights about illness can be applied to all of our lives, no matter our circumstances. Whatever our "tough thing" in life, God can transform it into treasure on His potter's wheel; He delights in redeeming us and making us "new" (see Jeremiah 18:3-5; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Revelation 21:5).

Lisa continues…

“It doesn't matter how long we sit on the pottery wheel or what shape we are, as long as the hands of illness keep touching our life, we will be reshaped into something new.”

Here are the top things I have learned through 21 years of illness:

1. Do it – whatever your “it” is – even when you don’t feel well.
There will be a million times it will be tempting to cancel. Don’t. Learn to push through.

The memories of the times I said “yes” and did something despite pain are the joys I treasure.

2. Utilize tools to live as fully as possible.
Whatever your limitations are there is likely a tool that can help. Don't use the tools to compare who you once were with who you are now.

Be grateful someone came before you and was determined to not let their limitations stand in the way, making it easier for you.

3. Get out of the house.
We all need a change of scenery. Seeing the same dirty dishes and dingy walls can quickly send you into depression. Walk outside and sit on the patio. Go to the local coffee house and check your email. Go to a movie, even if it’s alone.

Will it cure everything? No, but it will put you back into the world and make your bed look even more appealing at the end of the day.

4. Practice communication.
No matter how wonderful you think your relationships are, there is room for improvement. Facing day after day of pain can make any relationship tense, and people make be reluctant to talk to you about your attitude or how you constantly speak of your symptoms.

We can easily blame our circumstances for our temper, attitude, and outlook and expect people around us to just accept it and cater to our needs and moods. This is a perfect storm brewing. Ask close friends how you can improve your friendship. Make sure your marriage is safe from underlying resentments that are buried that can one day shatter the relationship.

5. Practice taking care of yourself.
The more you do it, the easier it will become.

Pride, shame, and not wanting to be a burden by asking people to accommodate our needs gets in the way of our well-being – both physically and emotionally. As you accept yourself for who you are, others will do the same.

6. Determine the purpose of your life and what you will rely on.
Obviously this is a big one! But what is going to hold you together when you have little support of friends, your body is falling apart, and all the feel-good-tips no longer work? For me, it is my faith. I have great faith in God and I believe He not only has a purpose for my life, but I have seen how He has used my disease in many ways.

This has given me the strength to hold on when there is no reason to hang on. It gets me up out of bed each day, and without it I would quickly wilt on my own strength. You are going to need a foundation of strength. Start seeking now.

7. Consider what you want your legacy to be.
What kind of person do you want to be, and what do you hope people will recall about you someday? Were you one who was always sighing and complaining about how no one understood your circumstances? Or did you show grace and character that taught those around you how one can be faithful through the fires?

Rather than overcoming your circumstance, make it part of your character.

My illness is intertwined with every part of who I am. Yet, life is good. I must choose to make it that way each day.

The words "chronic illness" don't bother me. I embraced them long ago, because I don't see them as a curse, but rather as the largest chisel in my life that will determine who I am.

Some days, it isn't so pretty. I am hopeful, however, that at the end of this life my legacy will be, "She fought to live each day with so much joy... and encouraged others to do the same."

How can these suggestions help you develop the tough things in your life into the treasure it is meant to be?

Lisa Copen began Rest Ministries to encourage those who are chronically ill through daily devotionals, small groups called HopeKeepers, and other support. She is the author of a variety of books including Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend. She has lived with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia for twenty years and resides in San Diego with her husband and son.

Graphic in Text, adapted, Image courtesy of dan at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

How to Encourage Someone Who Is Ill

Lisa Copen has more than her share of struggles, but she has still managed - with God's help - to create a ministry to help others who suffer. In this special Upgrade UPLIFT, she explains what not to say to those who are ill, and how to encourage them.

"When friends are coping with a chronic illness or pain, our instinctive way of encouraging them may be more hurtful than helpful," Lisa says.

Ouch. I do want to be an encourager, but I haven't always known what to say.

How about you?

Lisa continues ...

"You look great. You must be feeling so much better."

"I just know God will heal you. You don't deserve this pain."

"Let me know if you need anything."

These comments sound kind and there is no doubt they are said with good intentions. For the one who is ill, however, they "feel" less than comforting.

Being told you look fine feels like the pain isn't believed. What if your friend isn't healed? Does it mean she does deserve the pain? And it is so hard to ask for help.

"Call me if you need anything" is considered a general greeting to one who is ill, like asking, "How are you?"

She will never ask.

Nearly one in two people in the USA live with a chronic illness or condition like back pain or migraines. If it is not you, odds are it is someone you love.

Most people do not have any visible signs of the pain or suffering they experience on a daily basis. And when we say "Well, you look fine," the comment is interpreted as "Since you look fine, you can't really be that bad. You are just making a big deal out of nothing."

Invisible Illness Awareness Week is sponsored by Rest Ministries, a Christian organization that serves the chronically ill. I began this week in 2002 because I witnessed many people growing frustrated about the lack of understanding of invisible illness. Despite finding peace about their diagnosis, the remarks of people around them - even at church - were planting seeds of bitterness.

Invisible Illness Awareness Week (IIAW) is September 9-15, 2013, and the IIAW website features many ways to encourage loved ones with illness, as well as teach those with illness where to find true validation.

Here are a few tips on how to communicate with an ill person:

Don't say, "I am praying for you!"

Say, "I would love to keep your needs in prayer. Is there something that is on your heart that I can pray about? Maybe something that no one else is even praying for?"

Don't say, "Call me if you need anything."

Say, "I would love to bring your family dinner. What would you prefer, chicken or lasagna? Wednesday or Thursday?"

Don't say, "You look fine."

Say, "It must be hard to be in so much pain and not have anyone realize what effort it took to get here. Thank you for coming."

Don't say, "Don't cry. God will work it all out."

Say, "If you need to cry, I will just sit here with you. I'm not going anywhere."

We have all suffered. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says, "[He] comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in ANY trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" (NIV, emphasis added).

Take a moment to reflect on a time you suffered and what you needed.

Did you really need someone to give advice or did you just want someone to listen? Did you pick up the phone and call a friend to ask for help, or were you grateful when someone just showed up and offered comfort food or help with a task?

One of the reasons God allows us to suffer is so that we understand how to comfort others when they suffer. Rather than relying on clichés and instinctive responses, take a few minutes to consider what you wanted when you were suffering. Did you wish someone would ask you what you needed, rather than making assumption about how to help? Don't be afraid to ask a friend what they need - and then listen.

Find out more ways to encourage friends who are chronically ill at Invisible Illness Awareness Week where there are specific articles on ways to bring a friend a meal when she may be embarrassed, how to help a friend with errands, or how a church can make a difference.

Who do you know who is ill that could use some tender care and encouraging words? Ask God to show you how to use Lisa's wisdom to reach out with caring words and actions.

Lisa Copen began Rest Ministries to encourage those who are chronically ill through daily devotionals, small groups called HopeKeepers, and other support. She is the author of a variety of books including Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend. She has lived with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia for twenty years and resides in San Diego with her husband and son.