When Only a 'Pat' Will Do

In this Encouragement UPGRADE, Dawn shares what she's learned about a simple method of "communication" that helps us encourage others—beyond words, or even when words won't come.

Since my diagnosis, I've found that people don't always know what to say to me. Some find it awkward to converse about my health changes. Others even avoid me, not knowing what to say.

But my husband has taught me an important lesson. Over and over in my health "adventure," he knows he can't "fix" my problems, and he's a man of few words—unless he's teaching or preaching! But Bob reaches out and pats me on the arm if we're standing or on my knee if we're sitting.

It's as if only a "pat" will do at the time. But it is enough. And here's why.

1. A pat says, "I'm here."

There's simply nothing like "presence" to comfort and encourage.

I've heard of spouses who leave their mate in times of distress or tragedy, and that is horribly sad. But I've found great solace in knowing that Bob has been present with me throughout this myeloma journey and every "side trip" (like bronchitis this week).

Presence matters.

God's presence matters most of all. Sometimes, when life seems puzzling, I feel like Father God reaches down to "pat" me with His presence and give me peace. He might bring a scripture verse to mind, or give me some marching orders for my day. Most of all, it's comforting to acknowledge that He will never leave me (Hebrews 13:5b; Psalm 94:14).

God is with us in all our struggles and needs, and even if He feels far, far away.

2. A pat says, "I'm here and I care."

There's a certain tenderness that comes with a gentle pat of encouragement.

The one reaching out to us loves us, and out of that love flows compassion.

When Bob and I attended my Grandpa Webb's funeral—enroute from Michigan to our new home—my grandmother was surprised to see me. For a while, I watched as people began to offer condolences. (Some of the things I heard were not comforting at all!)

Weary, Grandma sat down. I smiled at her and sat down beside her.

I didn't say a word for the rest of the time as people came by—some expressing love, some offering not-too-helpful advice, some not knowing what to say. I simply held her hand and patted it from time to time until Bob said we had to get on our way.

Later, Grandma wrote to tell me that she was the most comforted by my almost-wordless presence and the tenderness of my touch, my "little pats."

It's so comforting to me to know that Father God is always watching over us, and He sees us in our pain and understands (Psalm 31:7; 34:18; 56:8). God reaches out in love to tell us He cares. As Casting Crowns sings, "Your pain may run deep. His love runs deeper still."

We can take all our burdensome anxieties to God, because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

Every need, every burden, every fear, every anxiety—take them all to God.

I like what Dr. Michelle Bengtson wrote, in The Hem of His Garment: "He's a God who stops and bends his ear to listen to our heartfelt cries." How wonderful and touching that our God listens and cares.

3. A pat says, "I'm here to tell you I appreciate you."

Like a pat on the back that says "good job," sometimes a pat can mean, "I see how you are dealing with this, and I appreciate you." Or even, "I admire you."

I've received many pats like this over the past five year as I've shared the highs and lows of my health journey

• It's encouraging to know that someone sees that you're trying to live biblically even in tough times.
• It's motivating to know that others are watching, and it matters that we persevere in courage through God's strength.

God's pats of appreciation might come to us in many ways, directly or through others—like words of gratitude from people who say you helped them through your ministry, or through words of encouragement you shared with them.

And here's another thing: the believer looks forward to a wonderful "pat" when God rewards for faith and obedience. It only begins with God's, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

4. A pat says, "I'm here to help you, if I can."

Sometimes a person who is struggling can't tell you in the moment what they need when you ask, "How can I help?"

People might go ahead and take care of some your needs (anticipating them), but their little pats can tell you they are people you might be able to count on in a pinch.

A pat can say, "I'm here to help you, if I can, however I can, whenever I can, and if you will let me."

Some words can be fruitless, but a pat—with or without words—can make you feel that a person genuinely wants to help. (I have to admit that some people may give you a little pat as a way of escaping involvement; but that's not true with faithful friends.)

And speaking of faithful friends, Father God is our Helper, our Jehovah Ezer.

Psalm 28:7 says that when we place our hopes in God, trusting Him, we find help. Our faithful Father does not abandon us, but He helps us through the difficulties of our journey (Psalm 121). When we confidently come to His throne of grace, we find the help we need and do not need to be afraid (Hebrews 4:16; 13:6).

Sometimes only a "pat" will do, but it is quite often more than enough.

When has a pat from someone encouraged you? How might you share a little pat with someone today? 

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth at Revive Our Hearts, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Now He's Alone

Susan K. Stewart is a creative writer, often using what is at hand to teach powerful, practical scriptural truths. In this Hope UPGRADE, she asks us to consider her donkey friend, Jeb.

"Being alone is not pleasant for any of us," Susan says. "Loneliness is made harder because it’s a pain that can’t be seen."

I (Dawn) also believe the pain of loneliness is real, and it's been magnified by the coronavirus lockdowns and restrictions. God has a word of comfort for the lonely, and sometimes He speaks through unusual means—even a donkey's soulful bray.

Susan continues . . .

Jeb hadn’t always been alone. He had family and friends nearby when we met him. Gradually though, they all seemed to move on, leaving him a sad, lonely donkey.

Our life with donkeys began with three jennies from a camp for special needs children. We adopted three of the five therapy animals: Georgia May, Hope, and Shawna. Our neighbor took in the other two: Ellie May and Jeb.

Even though the tiny herd was split up, they stayed in touch with occasional brays. Daily we could hear them chatting back and forth. Even though they couldn’t see each, the “family” knew they were all close by.

A couple of years later, we needed to re-home our three girls. Although the daily family chatter stopped, we could still hear Ellie May and Jeb converse, usually to anyone who would listen.

A few months later, Ellie May disappeared. We don’t know how she got out of the pasture, where she went, or why Jeb didn’t follow.

Now he was alone.

We could hear it in his calls. It sounded as though he were asking, “Where are you?”

Soon the cries for his family decreased, then stopped. Oh, Jeb still joined with other donkeys in the area with the morning donkey grapevine. But he no longer hollered for his family. They were gone.

As time went on, more of the donkey neighbors moved. The morning chatter stopped. No more friendly bantering catching up on the pasture news.

Eventually Jeb moved to our pasture. Our pasture is situated where he can see us throughout the day. While he was acclimating to his new home, we often went out to be sure he knew where the sweet feed was at, make his way to the hay feeder, and be sure he couldn’t work his way out of the gate. He only brayed to announce he was ready to eat.

He was still alone.

Sadly, there are Jebs all around us. People left behind for a number of reasons: friends and family move, a death of loved one, social distancing, and in our overly fast world no one has time to visit. Calls are made for awhile, but eventually when no one answers, they stop.

None of us wants to be a lonely Jeb.

Nor do we want to be the cause of such loneliness.

The writers of Hebrews tells us:

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24-25 ESV).

Here we have an outline to stave off aloneness.

1. The core of these verses is “not neglecting to meet together.”

This doesn’t only apply to attending functions at church. We can meet others where they are at—a coffee shop, their home, a care facility.

In our current world of social distancing and quarantines, it’s too easy to neglect basic fellowship. For those who are house bound, a simple phone call is all that is needed to let them know family and friends are still near—for “meeting together”

2. We’re also told to encourage one another.

One definition of encouragement is “the action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope.”

I like the word “hope,” giving someone hope as a way of encouraging.

Doom and gloom seem to be all around us. We need to depend on each other for positive reports, positive conversation, even positive social media—for hope.

During this time of economic difficulties, encouragement can come in the form of a bag of groceries or a gift card.

Any way we can let others know we see them and we care gives needed support for confident hope.

3. It’s after we reach out and give support we can help “stir up love and good works” in others.

A lonely person may be like our Jeb—going through the motions of each day, but no desire to do much more.

Through our actions, the Jebs in our lives can see love and good works, then move on to share to with others.

Each of us, even when surrounded by others, can feel abandoned and alone. We can even feel God has deserted us. We don’t seem to hear him.

Think of all those who have gone before us who had the same emotions.

• David wrote, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?”
• How much more alone could Jonah have felt?
• Jesus cried on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34)

Then came the morning. God was there. He is there.

While we may be alone for a while, we are never deserted. Our companion, Jesus Christ, is walking with us, even when we don’t see him.

Do you feel alone? How can you move from loneliness to hope to encouragement?

Susan K. Stewart is the Managing Nonfiction Editor with Elk Lake Publishing Inc. She tends her donkeys, chickens, and various other creatures with her husband Bob on a small ranch in Central Texas. Susan’s passion is to inspire readers with practical, real-world solutions. Her book, Donkey Devos: Listen to your donkey when God speaks, is due out early next year. Learn more at her website:  www.practicalinspirations.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Anna ER at Pixabay.

I Can Fly with a Little Help from My Friends!

Deb DeArmond loves to see the Lord transform relationships through the wisdom of His Word. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she shares some tips for cultivating stronger friendships.

“In a recent email,” Deb said, “my friend, Jeanne closed with the words, ‘Thank you for being my friend. In the moment, the phrase caught me off guard and my eyes quickly filled with tears.”

I (Dawn) understand the depths of emotion we can feel because of our friendships, and sometimes our poor responses to friends we love. Deb addresses both.

Deb continues . . .

The content of my friend's note was not emotional, and yet I became a puddle without warning. Why?

Jeanne and I met at a writer's conference seven years ago. She invited me to record an interview about my first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice. It would be broadcast on Heritage of Truth, the ministry she and her husband built together.

Though our time was brief, our hearts made an immediate connection that's grown stronger over time.

• We can’t meet for coffee; we live 1000+ miles apart.
• We rarely email and have never spoken on the phone.
• In a good year, we see each other once or twice.

So why did her expression of friendship impact me so deeply?

It's simple: God made us for CONNECTION.

It stirs us. And heart-to-heart friendship is tough to come by. I believe it’s rare.

We may call many people friends, including co-workers, neighbor, and our regular church companions in the 6^th pew back from the stage on the right side of the sanctuary. We may stay in touch with many who date back to childhood.  

I went from kindergarten to college with most of the same kids. They are important to me. We keep up with one another through social media—I know who has a new baby in the family, a promotion, or the loss of a loved one. I’m grateful we grew up together.

• Are these heart connections? Not so much.
• Do we all share the same faith? No, and sadly, some have none at all.

But I love them because we were witnesses to one another’s lives.

We have a shared history.

Could I call on them for encouragement, prayer, or a reminder of the God’s love in a time of hopeless despair or spiritual rebellion? With a few exceptions, the answer is no.

Life demands of us. A friend's encouragement or a loving rebuke is needed at times to remind us who He’s designed us to become.

A good friend is willing to do so, comfortable or not.

I’ve been blessed to experience this level of friendship; to have people—like Jeanne—in my life. She’s been a cheerleader, encourager and role mode. She’s open, candid and kind. I’m blessed to be her friend.

We’ve all had fair-weather friends. Those who tell us what we want to hear and when the going gets tough, they get gone.

Some of us may have been that friend on occasion. God’s not impressed with this approach.

The Bible says,

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:14-15 NIV).

I hear my mom (gone for 20 years) remind me: “If you want a good friend, you have to be a good friend.”

How can we do that? Here are some possibilities.

Tips and Challenges

1. Ask the Lord to Guide Your Approach.

Pray when you feel impatient with a friend who’s in a tailspin—again.

Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s discouragement, or a lack of faith. Remember, love wins.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2 NIV).

2. Take Inventory.

Be brave and ask your closest friends how you could support or love them better.

Ask yourself, “Do I dispense advice, or do I seek God to discover what He’d like me to share?”

“The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” (Proverbs 27:9 NLT).

3. Be Brave.

Proverbs 17:17 reminds us, “Iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

Lord, give us fearless obedience to You and Your Word. Let us be a channel to lift one another higher.

After all, that’s what friends are for.   

Which of these tips and challenges might help you further cultivate a cherished friendship today?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Book #2, I Choose You Today, helps couples strengthen their marriages. Deb's new book on marital conflict, Don't Go to Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight! was co-authored by her husband, Ron. They live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of StockSnap at Pixabay.

Discovering the Courage in DisCOURAGEment

Kathy C. Willis has been a huge encouragement in my life over the past few years, and she even reached out to help my mom and sister in a time of great difficulty. And she does all this from a deep well of courage in facing her own trials. I couldn't wait to get this Attitudes UPGRADE.

Kathy asks, “Do you find yourself in a season of discouragement? Let’s see what we can do to turn this around so you can enter springtime with renewed hope.”

Yes, I (Dawn) need encouragement right now, and maybe you do too. I love her imagery of entering spring with "renewed hope," because sometimes our hope needs a super-boost just to get through another day.

Kathy continues . . .

My personality doesn’t easily get discouraged, but after back-to-back-to-back setbacks, I found myself weary and stuck.

My self-talk leant itself to defeat.

“Why bother? Something outside my control will interfere with my good intentions and cut me short of the goals I believe God has put in my path.”

No, I knew that wasn’t true. If God wanted it done, He’d make sure nothing got in the way. But this messy middle between start and finish was interfering with my usual optimistic energy and drive.

It was time for me to apply the same advice I give others who struggle with discouragement.

1. How Do You Feel?

The first step is to hone in on the actual emotion.

Am I:

• Disappointed?
• Depressed?
• Dismayed?
• Blue?
• Hopeless?

2. Create Your "Hit List."

Whatever the emotion, it’s good to evaluate the source of the feeling.

I ask myself questions to isolate the instigator. I call this my HIT LIST, because it’s ways I tend to get hit. Your hit list might be different.

I ask myself:

• Am I letting what someone else said or did cause me to lose track of my joy and peace?
• Am I falling into comparison traps?
• Do I have unrealistic expectations of myself?
• Does God feel far away?
• Do I have any health issues or fatigue that is impacting how I feel?
• Am I in a toxic relationship that drains me or influences me in a negative way?

Once you’ve identified your hit list, it’s time to determine the best steps to move away from discouragement and back into the land of encouragement.

3. Move from Discouragement to Encouragement.

1. Determine what helped you prior times. What caused the discouragement to diminish or go away?
2. Practice biblical self-talk. Speak to yourself in a way that aligns with Bible principles and with how God views you. Not how you view yourself or how you think others might view you.
3. Lean in to God. Focus on His character and attributes. It doesn’t matter so much if you measure up to the “ought to’s.” Instead, it’s all about trusting the holy God, knowing He’s got this!
4. Hunker into God’s love. Even when you’re discouraged, God wants to be with you. Your Papa God wants to encourage you! “But God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us by the arrival of Titus.” (2 Corinthians 7:6 NLT)
5. Anchor your focus on a Bible verse. Meditate on the meaning of that verse as you go about your day. Let it be a part of you, just like a song sticks with you all day long.
6. Find a worship song with lyrics that encourage your heart.
7. Get more sleep, but not too much sleep. (I bought a Fitbit designed to help me evaluate my sleep, so I could see not only how little sleep I get, but that I don’t get enough deep sleep.)
8. Find a project to be a part of that benefits someone else. It’s difficult for a servant mindset and discouragement to coexist for very long.

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!” (Psalm 42:11 NLT)

Give yourself time.

It takes a while for feelings to catch up to reality, and sometimes our feelings even lie to us.

It’s more important to cling to the truths of God’s Word. These will never let us down.

What will you do to seek encouragement or seek to encourage someone else this week?

God’s Grin Gal, Kathy Carlton Willis, shines the light on what holds you back so you can grow. She’s a speaker and author with over a thousand articles online and in print, as well as her Bible study, Grin with Grace; and she is featured on CBN. She and her husband Russ live in Texas with their new puppy, an adorable Boston Terrier named Hettie.

3 Steps to Joy for Young Mothers

Kate Hagen's desire to help mothers is an outgrowth of her counseling ministry; but more than that, she loves young moms and feels compassion for their struggles. In this Personal Care UPGRADE, she suggests three ways young mothers can include more joy in their lives.

Kate says, "I wish I could go back and tell myself these three things." 

Oh, Kate got me (Dawn) there! So many things I'd tell my younger self, now that I'm seeing life from a more seasoned point of view!

Kate continues . . . 

Yesterday I was reading a journal from my early years of motherhood. As I read my old entries, I was heavy hearted as I remembered all the guilt and desperation I felt—always wishing I was doing better.  

I want to go back to that Kate and give her a hug.

I want to tell her:

1. Enjoy your kids more!
2. Release guilt about not feeling connected to God.
3. You're doing the best you can right now! And it's enough.

If Kate from 10 years ago could spare 15 minutes, I would expound by telling her about these three steps to joy. 

But I would make it quick, because there would be a child to run after at any minute!

1. Enjoy your kids!

How? 

Look for God's image in them. When you see them in the morning, and you're a Zombie monster due to a terrible night's sleep, look into their big eyes and think, "You are made in the image of God."

I promise, it will help! God’s loving image is there, even when they won't let you go to the bathroom by yourself.

One of the best mom verses is I Peter 4:8, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins."

Yes, my kid's sins (shortcomings) are covered as I love them, and SEE God's love in them.

Be your kid’s biggest cheerleader.

I remember deciding I wanted to be seen by my kids as a cheerleader more than a police. It was a life-changing decision that positively affected my relationship with my kids immensely.

As much as possible, be slow to anger and slow to speak, and instead be quick to listen and quick to forgive.

 These contrasting ideas will really help you enjoy your kids more. It’s a guarantee.

Have these be your rules: less talk; more listening. Don't worry if you break them. You will. But, have them be your standard. (God does.)

2. Release guilt about not feeling connected to God.  

I spent so much time and ink feeling bad about not being close to God.

It's good to cry out to God. It's very Psalmist!

But I think I often missed the joy God was trying to give me by longing for it to come the way it used to. Before kids. 

I wanted the old, deep, spiritual connection I had when I was 20 and had all the time in the world to spend in meditation. This was NOT possible during this season. 

Letting this expectation go, and enjoying the ways God WAS showing up, might have brought me a lot more joy. Looking for things to be grateful for, writing them down and speaking them aloud could have changed my joy-level greatly!  

Some of the ways God was showing up for me when my three kids were constantly needing me—and I had no time to meditate: 

• In my baby's laughter
• In chunky thighs (If God's not there, I don't know where God is!)
• In sweaty hands grabbing for mine
• In baby arms gripping the back of my neck

3. You’re doing the best you can right now. And it’s enough. 

"I'm not being the best mom/wife/friend I want to be."

That's true! Let that be true. And let that be okay.

It's really just an ego-centered thought. It's focused on you, not the other person. Feeling guilty that you're not enough isn't helping anyone! It's not a Jesus thought.

Let it come—it's ok that it's there—and then let it go.  

You're not being the best mom in the world. True! But, treat yourself the way God does. Be gracious with yourself. Forgive yourself for not being perfect.  

I'd like to go back to that old Kate, give her a hug and tell her what a good job she's doing. Remind her to constantly be looking for ways to enjoy her kids. Encourage her to treat herself the way God treats her... full of compassion, mercy and love.  

What would you go back and tell yourself?

Kate Hagen spends most of her time teaching, knowing and loving her three kids in their beach community of Leucadia, CA. She has a Master’s Degree in Biblical Counseling and has written, spoken and counseled women about mothering, body image and health. She runs a small essential oil business from her home, and usually smells pretty good. At her website you can read her journey of grieving and laughing as her mom passed of cancer, as well as her thoughts on the Bible and body image. 

Graphic adapted, courtesy of svklimkin at Morguefile.