Choosing More than 'Grin and Bear It'

Kathy Collard Miller encourages women to trust God so they can make wiser choices. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she challenges a popular statement with a more biblical perspective.

“Things are tough but that’s OK," Kathy says. "I’ll just wait it out and it’ll get better.”

When I (Dawn) find myself in the midst of struggles, I see this as an opportunity to trust the Lord — most of the time. But I'll admit there have been some situations where I tried to "gut it out" myself. And that never works!

Kathy continues . . . 

Have you ever considered your trials and found comfort through thinking, “This too will pass”?

That phrase sounds benign enough, but I’m wondering if it leaves out God in some way. Because, at least for me, it supports in my heart an attitude of, “I’ll just grin and bear it until this trial goes away.”

It doesn’t support, “God, even if I have to persevere through this trial for a long time, I’m going to call upon you and not depend upon my own inadequate power.”

Would you like to embrace the second attitude? Here’s how:

1. Recognize how “Grin and Bear It” leaves out God.

I became aware of how I was leaving out God because of that attitude some time ago. As I struggled to trust God for His provision of joy and contentment in the midst of being my mother-in-law’s caregiver, I thought, “This too will pass.”

And then on the heels of that thought came, “If I just knew how much longer Audrey was going to live, I could be more patient and kind.”

I was thinking I could be more patient because I would be gritting my teeth, just waiting for the trial to end. But that’s not depending upon God.

2. Choose active joy not passivity.

“This too will pass” is very passive. It’s allowing circumstances to dictate our responses rather than looking to God.

James 1:2-4 give us the key to active joy:

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trial, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (NASB).

That verse contains active and “being aware” words, not closing our eyes to God’s help. Being active is when we pay attention to the purposes of difficulties.

Problems become God’s vehicle to growth. That can’t happen if we’re closing our eyes to what God wants to do.

3. Be aware moment by moment.

In the midst of caring for my mother-in-law, I examined that phrase, "This too will pass," more deeply. I saw that I wasn’t living in real time but in the future when things were guaranteed to get better. But there’s no guarantee life will get better. Life doesn’t become perfect until we enter heaven. Each moment and day of our lives is an opportunity to see God’s love strengthen us.

No wonder God doesn't tell us the future.

If we knew a trial was going to last a long time, we'd give up. If we knew a trial was going to be short-lived, we would grin and bear it.

We're supposed to relax in God's power moment by moment, depending upon Him, allowing Him to provide all we need. And then He’ll receive the glory, not us!

These three truths began to transform my thinking. No longer was I depending upon my limited knowledge and my strategy of passivity, but I was seeking God more passionately and seeing His hand of provision. I became more patient with my mother-in-law and saw how God was doing a work in me.

When my mom-in-law left for heaven, I knew I hadn’t been perfect, but I knew God had transformed my life now and it wasn’t in “the sweet by and by.”

That was affirmed when, a short time later, I became the main caregiver for my own mother. God took what He’d taught me and applied it to this new challenge. God never wastes anything, but we won’t see that if we’re just grinning and bearing it.

Examine your own life. Are there ways you have the attitude “this too will pass?” What is God inviting you to do about it?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Her website/blog is www.KathyCollardMiller.com. Kathy's newest book is Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today(Leafwood). It gives insights into the underlying reasons for unhealthy choices and how to have increased trust in God to make wiser choices. It contains biblical principles, insightful stories, and helpful instruction. It also offers individual and group discussion questions.

Graphic adapted: Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net. 

Anger Expert or Patience Pro?

Kathy Collard Miller is an author and speaker who encourages women to trust God. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she helps us trust the Lord with an attitude that can be destructive:  Anger! 

“Why do I keep getting angry?" Kathy said. "I want to be patient, but life and people are aggravating."

I (Dawn) used to think anger was other people's problem. I didn't have a problem losing my temper.

But if we have an undercurrent of anger, it can burst forth in other problems like bitterness, an unforgiving spirit or even something as simple as avoiding people.

Kathy continues . . . 

Life and people are aggravating. We pray for patience, but as someone has said, “Don’t pray for patience; God will give you many opportunities to practice.”

That was certainly true for me.

For many years, I was an anger expert. It was my “go-to” response. I prayed for deliverance but I still was destructively angry. In moments of temptation, I felt helpless and believed I didn’t have a choice.

But the truth is, anger is a choice.

Holding ourselves responsible rather than excusing our destructive reaction will lay a foundation for slowing down our reactions and allowing God to show us alternatives.

How can we “slow down”? When life (or someone) throws something aggravating at us, we need to literally take a deep breath and ask ourselves, “What’s going on here?”

Here are three causes of anger that you can consider in that moment.

1. Anger comes from having a goal blocked.

When we desire a certain thing and someone does something or says something that blocks that desire, we react in frustration. Unfortunately, this only means that that “certain thing” has become more important than God. We are choosing a destructive reaction to make sure we receive what we think we need and we’re not trusting that God can provide it for us.

We don’t have to force anything to happen when we truly believe God will provide what we need. He promises in Philippians 4:19:

“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

In that moment of “slowing down,” ask yourself, “Is there something I value that I think is being withheld? If so, can I choose to trust that God will provide what’s best for me according to His plan?”

2. Anger’s source could be a fear of being seen a certain negative way.

Since childhood, I’ve been very sensitive to not appearing stupid. That seems horrible to me. So when someone treats or responds to me with what seems like a suggestion that I’m stupid or don’t know something, I can become angry.

Why does anger seem like a solution? Because my anger points to something they do wrong and it takes the focus off of my “stupidity.”

Sometimes, my husband, Larry, will sincerely ask me, “What were you thinking when you did that?” What do I “hear”? “You must have been stupid to choose that.” I’m embarrassed and feel shamed. So what do I do? Point the finger back onto him with an angry response by rehearsing some way that he did something wrong. But I can choose differently in God’s power.

In that moment of “slowing down,” ask yourself, “Is there some way I don’t want to be seen right now?" Regardless of how I’m viewed by others, God views me as His daughter through my inheritance in Christ, as Ephesians 1 says.

3. Anger may erupt from not knowing what else to do.

For instance, when my two-year-old disobeyed me, I felt helpless, not knowing how to respond. But forming a plan beforehand empowered me to have options. I wrote down in a column the primary ways my strong-willed daughter disobeyed me. Then in the opposite column, I wrote out one consequence I could give for each disobedience. I then posted the paper where I could see it. Having options removed my helpless feeling, and my anger.

Of course, we can’t anticipate every situation of life that might come our way, but we can try to plan as much as possible with God’s wisdom.

Then in that moment of “slowing down,” ask yourself, “What options do I have? Lord, enlighten my thinking right now. You promise in James 1:5 to give me wisdom.”

God used an awareness of these three possible causes of anger to transform my responses. I actually did become more patient . . . and wise.

Which of those three sources cause your anger most often and how does God want to use that knowledge to empower you to be more patient?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Kathy’s latest book is Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today (Leafwood) from which this article has been adapted. Check it out at http://amzn.to/1ITmLfy. Visit Kathy's website/blog at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net. 

Conquering the 'If Onlys' of Discontent

Kathy Collard Miller's practical and biblical approach to life encourages me to live according to truth. We see that approach in this Attitude UPGRADE.

“If only I didn't have these problems," Kathy says, "I could be the peaceful person God wants me to be.”

Oh, yes. I (Dawn) have succumbed to "if only" thinking. Haven't you? The problem is, it is counterproductive. It never leads to contentment!

Kathy continues ... 

I really did think that the only way I could be content with life, people, even myself, was to be free from problems. So my thoughts often rehearsed:

• If my husband would just not work so many hours, I could be content.
• If my toddler would obey, I could be content.
• If no one would interrupt my schedule, I could be content.

But Paul's words counteract that:

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:11-13 ESV).

It wasn't until I let God work those truths in me that I grew contented.

Here's how:

1. Contentment is a choice. Paul said he “learned” contentment. That indicates a thoughtful involvement through a change of heart.

When I was discontented, I thought “peace” was something that happened to me, rather than something I chose. Taking responsibility for my choices began a huge difference in me.

2. Contentment is not dependent on others. Paul doesn't even mention other people. He uses “I.”

We know that the Apostle Paul had lots of interactions with people who didn't cooperate with him and even tried to ruin his ministry. He was beaten, imprisoned, misunderstood, slandered, and many other very hurtful things. Yet he didn't blame those things or people.

Unfortunately, I didn't learn that quickly and my discontent birthed anger, depression, and bitterness because people weren't cooperating with my needs. But finally, I realized that contentment comes from knowing I can't change anyone else, only myself. Only God can change others.

3. Contentment comes from trusting God. Although Paul's words don't specifically mention trusting God, we know that Paul trusted God. It was that kind of trust that enabled him to surrender to whatever God had for him: plenty, hunger, abundance or need. He believed God loved him and wanted only the best for him.

Basically, discontent is telling God, “You don't know what you're doing. You don't love me. I demand things be different.” I communicated my distrust of God through my demand that (1) my husband meet my needs, (2) my child obey—thus making me look good, and (3) everyone respect my schedule.

But when I truly believed God loved me, that set me free from demanding God do it my way. He knew best!

These three truths began to transform my thinking. I actually did become content. My thoughts became:

• “Even if Larry never changes, I can be the contented woman God wants me to be.”
• “Even if my child disobeys in public, God knows I love her.”
• “Even if people don't respect my schedule, God has a better plan in the interruption.”

Now, many years later, my husband and I just celebrated forty-four years of marriage and we couldn't be happier. My children love me and want to please me. Although my schedule still gets interrupted,  God is fulfilling His plan.

It really is possible to be content!

What are your “what ifs” and what truth do you need to believe to become more content?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 7 foreign countries. Her website/blog is www.KathyCollardMiller.com and you can sign up for her e-newsletter at http://eepurl.com/UpP8n. In January, 2015, Kathy's newest book will be released: Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today (Leafwood). You can order Kathy's book, Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries: Finding Peace in All Kinds of Weather at http://bit.ly/1qlceir.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Are You Meeting Hubby's Needs?

Worry can be a relationship killer. In her newest book, Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries, women’s conference speaker Kathy Collard Miller encourages women to trust God more and worry less. This is especially important in regard to marriage.

“Worry often steals the joy from our marriages,” Kathy says, “especially when we're not sure we're meeting the needs of our husband.”

Kathy's right! I've seen worry cause women to react negatively toward their husbands as they misinterpret their husband's reactions. When we know men’s needs, we can ask God to help us respond in wisdom.

Kathy continues…

In our marriages, there are three things men need.

(1) Your husband needs a helpmeet (Genesis 2:18).

Like a suit made for a man, God choose you specifically for your husband to complement and complete him. And for him to complement and complete you. You both fit together in ways that will challenge you to recognize your weak spots and trust God more.

You can upgrade your marriage by appreciating the ways your husband is different. His different opinions and methods are God's gift for you to learn and grow. Casting away that opportunity is like telling God He doesn't know what He's doing.

(2) Your husband needs a lover (I Corinthians 7:3-4).

God designed sexual union to bless both of you. It's His gift of physical pleasure to bond two people together.

You can upgrade your marriage by making sexual intimacy a priority. Read books that teach a Christian view of sex and plan time for it.

Your most important sexual organ is your brain. Preparing for intimacy with positive thoughts will prepare you for your husband's attention. I often think as I get in our bed ready for sex, “The playground is open.”

(3) Your husband needs a respecter (Ephesians 5:33).

It's interesting that the Bible never tells a wife to love her husband, but it does say to respect him. Respect lets your husband know he is significant and valued.

You can upgrade your marriage by considering your husband's opinion important even as you calmly give an opposing viewpoint.

Omit disrespectful choices like nagging, contempt, anger, comparisons, manipulating, and gossiping about him.

As you think of those three insights and the three upgrades, which upgrade do you want to work on?

Kathy Collard Miller has spoken in 30 states and seven foreign countries, and has 49 published books including Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries. Kathy, a mom and grandma, lives in Southern California with her husband, Larry, and they often speak at marriage events and retreats. You can read more from Kathy at her blog.

Image in Text courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Don't Let Worry Steal Your Joy!

Kathy Collard Miller is a women's conference speaker and author of 49 books. Her newest book encourages women to trust God more and worry less.

“Worry often isn't considered detrimental, just something that takes up time,” Kathy says, “but worry not only steals our joy in God, it can have destructive influence in our soul, spirit, and body.”

I can understand Kathy's comment. I've seen worry cause women to react negatively toward those they love and even get depressed.

Kathy continues …

In our relationships, there are three things worry can't do and three things we can do.

1. Worry can't communicate love. Some women think that if they tell a loved one they are worried about them, that will express love. But it actually communicates you think your loved one is incapable of making good decisions and that God isn't powerful enough to give help.

Instead, we can upgrade our relationships by clearly expressing love through words of confidence in that loved one (even if they aren't perfect) and trust in God's power to guide and help. Say, “I'm praying for you and I love you. I know the Lord will guide you.”

2. Worry can't control others. You may think, “If only he would....” or “If only she will just...” their circumstances will change. We even try to control them through our prayers, telling God how to work in their lives, believing He should work in them a certain way.

Instead, we can upgrade our relationships by praying for God's will in their lives. Believe it or not, what you think is the absolutely best thing for someone might not be! Only God can see the total picture and know what's best for them and will bring Him glory.

3. Worry can't change others. We think our worry will cause a change in a person's character or increase their faith in God. As a result, we are compelled to argue, cajole, quote Scripture—even manipulate—to force a change in their perspective.

Instead, we can upgrade our relationships by listening instead of worrying. Asking questions and truly hearing their heart has more influence than worry trying to force a change.

As you think of those three blocks and the three upgrades, which upgrade do you want to work on?

GIVEAWAY: Make a comment today here (or on the Upgrade Facebook page) about which "worry upgrade" you'll work on, and your name will be entered into a drawing for Kathy's new book, Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries: Finding Peace in All Kinds of Weather after it is released. (Drawing: October 15.)

Kathy Collard Miller has spoken in 30 states and seven foreign countries. She has 49 published books including Women of the Bible: Smart Guide to the Bible (Thomas Nelson) and she blogs regularly. Kathy lives in Southern California with Larry, her husband of 43 years, and is a mom and grandma. Kathy and Larry often speak together at marriage events and retreats.

Photo: Red umbrella Image courtesy of stockimages