Are Resolutions a Good Idea?

Author and speaker Kathy Collard Miller is one smart lady. I've grown to trust her insights. In this UPGRADE for the New Year, she asks us to get real about resolutions.

Kathy asks, "Did you make a resolution but you’ve already forgotten it, flubbed it up or forsaken it? It’s hard to believe a resolution won’t succeed, right?"

I (Dawn) want to say, "Don't go there!" I've blown more resolutions in decades of living than I care to remember. I wish I'd known a wiser perspective.

Kathy continues. . .

Although it’s against common beliefs that resolutions might not be the best idea, they often don’t succeed because of three reasons.

Let’s see what will work instead.

1. Resolutions are often “all or nothing.”

Haven’t we all resolved to:

• “...study the Bible every day”?
• “...never get angry at my children again”?
• “...always be content in everything”?

Do you see those “absolute" words: every, never, always? Who can do that? Only Jesus and we aren’t Him!

How about if we become realistic with our desires?

• “I’m going to study the Bible three times this week for five minutes each?”
• “I”m going to examine when I become angry most often and ask my friend to pray for me at one of those times.”
• “I’m going to choose one area of discontent and surrender to God in that area today.”

Those are reachable, but even if we don’t reach them—

God’s unlimited second chances called “mercy” are always available to re-boot our plans.

2. Resolutions are often beyond our personal resources.

If we are using a huge resolution to try to force change within us, it’s usually beyond our level of maturity or trust in God. Who hasn’t wanted to trust God in every situation?

When I’m thinking that way, I love to be reminded of Jesus’ compassion for the father who replied, “I do believe; help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24 ESV). Jesus healed his son anyway.

God knows the next step for our growth and He’s not impatient with our progress.

3. Resolutions are often beyond our control.

Did you know there’s a difference between desires and goals?

Desires are what we would like but we may not be able to reach them because someone else has to cooperate. You may desire to have a spectacular marriage but guess who else has to have that desire—and take action? Right!

There’s nothing wrong with the desire. The problem is thinking we can force it to happen ourselves.

Different from desires, goals are attainable and within your control. A goal regarding your marriage might be, “I will think of something positive I like about my spouse three times (or five—whatever is a reasonable number) this week.”

Can you do that regardless of your spouse’s involvement? Yes. And it may have an impact on your marriage towards making it spectacular.

These three perspectives can be drawn from First Timothy 4:15:

“Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress” (ESV).

The word “progress” is the idea of “a pioneer cutting his way through the wilderness” (Vine’s Biblical Dictionary). Guess how a pioneer does that? One step at a time with a machete or axe. Not one fell swoop with a mile long sword.

If God had intended for us to have instant, complete, “all or nothing,” perfectly-fulfilled “resolutions,” He wouldn’t have used the word “PROGRESS.”

He would have inspired Paul to write “perfection.” Plus, He says, “practice these things.”

That takes time and involves seeking the power of the Holy Spirit moment by moment.

So how are your resolutions going? Great? I hope so. But if not, don’t be discouraged. How can you consider revising them to be more reasonable, attainable, and realistic?

Kathy Collard Miller is a popular speaker and award-winning author of over 50 books. Her most recent book is Choices of the Heart in the Daughters of the King Bible Study Series. Kathy has spoken in over 30 US states and eight foreign countries. Find out more about Kathy at her website.

Why Do I Do What I Do Wrong?

Kathy Collard Miller is an author and speaker who encourages women to apply practical principles from the Word of God. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she explores some ways to find the underlying causes of destructive responses.

We’ve all said things like, “He makes me feel…” or “I feel bad when she does that.” But the truth is we are responsible for our own choices," Kathy says. "Putting that into practice can actually diminish unwise choices."

I (Dawn) think that is fascinating because so many people think they can grit their teeth and swear to never respond hurtfully again. I've done this—haven't you? Kathy's insights help us consider the "why" behind our responses.

She continues . . .

It’s easy to blame a person or circumstance for the way we’re acting, but the truth is our wrong reactions have a long history.

It’s true for all of us. We see the pain we cause others or even ourselves, and it seems like we should just grab God’s power and never do it again. But there are reasons for our continuing ungodly choices.

Here’s how to discover and correct the underlying causes.

 1. Look to the past to see the beginning.

When painful things happen to us as children, we blame ourselves. We “hear” a message that somehow “I’m the cause. I must be hopeless, unloveable, incapable," etc.

When I was molested as an eight-year-old, I felt like a shameful little girl who should have prevented it from happening:

“I better act perfectly to hide my dirtiness.”

Of course those were lies, but I believed them.

Anytime someone implied I should do a better job at something, I became angry— blaming them; I didn’t want to be exposed as imperfect.

As an adult, by seeing the lies I was believing, I replaced it with God’s truth:

I wasn’t responsible for the abuse, and God loves me even though I’m imperfect.

Author Mike Wilkerson writes, “It’s not our raw experiences that determine our lives but the meaning we make of them—the stories we tell and the stories we believe.”

2. Look to the present to see the threat.

Every time we react sinfully (anger, contempt, procrastination, passive/aggressive, etc.) we feel like someone or something is threatening our good self-image, our comfort, our finances—anything we value.

Many times what we value become “idols.” We “worship” those rather than looking to God to define, comfort, or provide for us.

James wrote, “Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil” (4:15-16).

The most difficult thing is surrendering to however God allows people to treat us or circumstances to assail us.

That doesn’t mean we never share our opinions or take action. But instead of automatically reacting, we must seek God first. Just because it seems “natural” to respond our usual way, we may not be reacting “supernaturally” in God’s power. Blaming, worry, defensiveness and other ungodly reactions seem to protect us but don’t bring glory to God or fulfill His will.

3. Look to God’s perspective of the person or situation.

When we overreact, we take other people’s actions personally. We feel like we’re back to being blamed, labeled or attacked like we were as children.

But most of the time, that person is just trying to protect themselves. It’s not about us, it’s about their insecurity or lack of trust in God.

And any difficult circumstances is God’s gift of transforming us, not to destroy us. Instead of fighting off the “threat,” we can look through God’s eyes of love and grace.

One perspective is to have “godly sorrow.” Godly sorrow sees another person’s attack as hurting them, not us.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “I am speaking the truth in Christ—I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit—that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh.” (Romans 9:1-3 ESV).

Can you imagine that kind of surrender?

Paul didn’t take their attacks personally; he wanted the best for them.

God can empower us to have that kind of reaction. We can be gracious as we speak the truth in love.

Which of those three insights would you like to concentrate on so that your “natural” reactions can turn into “supernatural” reactions?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Visit her website/blog and discover more about her speaking ministry here. Kathy has authored many magazine articles and more than 50 books, including Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries and her newest book Choices of the Heart, a Bible study, available here. The insights in this blog are based on her book Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today found here.

Graphic: courtesy of PourquoiPas, Pixabay.

3 Secrets for Cultivating Humility

Kathy Collard Miller is an author and speaker who encourages women to apply practical principles from the Word of God. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she explores some ways to cultivate humility.

"A lot of us think humility means debasing ourselves," Kathy said, "but being humble actually means acknowledging what God has done in our lives."

This is so refreshing! I (Dawn) have heard so many weak and unbiblical descriptions of humility. But Kathy is right on target.

Kathy continues . . .

The Greek word for humility originally was used by writers to communicate something negative: “groveling” or “abject.” But the Apostle Paul came along and turned it into God’s perspective.

Here’s how to cultivate humility.

1. Think rightly of yourself.

True humility is not thinking low of oneself but thinking “right.”

Romans 12:3 tells us God’s perspective: “For through the grace given to me I say to every man among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.”

Author Warren Wiersbe wrote, “The truly humble person yields himself to Christ to be a servant, to use what he is and has for the glory of God and the good of others.”

2. Give credit to God.

God has given you strengths, gifts and talents, and if you reject them, you are rejecting God’s provisions.

Humility means giving credit to God.

And yes, each person has weaknesses. Humility acknowledges the need to receive God’s help to correct those weaknesses.

A word picture I heard years ago helps me. Sometimes a turtle shell can be found balanced on a fence post in the yards of Mid-western towns. No one believes that turtle climbed up there himself. No, he was placed there. You and I are like that turtle.

God places us in service whether it’s called parenting, employment, ministry, volunteering or listening. It’s His doing and we can acknowledge His work in us.

3. Be inspired by Jesus’ surrender.

The Apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 2:5-8 that the basis of humility is the surrender Jesus exemplified:

“Have this attitude in yourself which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bondservant, and being made in the likeness of men. He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

Most likely none of us will be called to develop humility by dying for Christ’s sake, but the more we are willing to be misunderstood, maligned, gossiped about, or face any other difficulty will reveal and develop our surrender—from which springs humility.

Which of those three insights would you like to concentrate on so that humility can be stronger in your life?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Visit her website/blog and discover more about her speaking ministry here. Kathy has authored more than 200 magazine articles and more than 50 books, including Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries and Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today. Her newest book is Choices of the Heart, a Bible study, available here.

Mirror Graphic adapted - 18th century vermeil mirror in the Musee des Arts decoratifs, Strasbourg ... By Gryffindor - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=5242020.

Turtle Graphic adapted - from the Oklahoma Ark Museum Blog.

Stop Pressuring Yourself!

Kathy Collard Miller writes to help women be wise and productive. In this Biblical Thinking UPGRADE, she helps us consider the "pressures" in our life from the perspective of God's Word.

“Why does life feel full of pressure?" she said. "There’s so much to do, so much to decide. People expect a lot and every situation seems potentially disastrous.”

Pressure. Stress. I (Dawn) have thought much about this lately, dealing with some personal stressful circumstances. I'm wondering if my thought-processes contribute to the struggle. Does Kathy have a word for me? And you?

Kathy continues . . .

The pressures of life can easily add up and feel overwhelming. Even when we’re seeking God, it’s not easy to replace pressure with peace and joy.

I remember seeing how I added lots of pressure to my life without realizing it. I thought I was following God, but in my cloudy thinking, I was contributing to the pressure.

Of course, there are many ideas for diminishing pressure but here are three ideas I’ve found helpful. I hope one or more help you.

1. Downsize!

My mom taught me, my sister and my brother how to clean our rooms every Saturday. And that included washing the sheets! After I had a family of my own, I still washed our sheets every week, even though I felt mounting pressure because of a husband who worked long hours, two toddlers and trying to serve the Lord.

One day I mentioned to my neighbor Pat about washing the sheets every week. Pat casually said, “Oh really? I wash ours every two weeks.”

Shocked, I replied, “You mean it’s ok to do that?”

I realized in that moment I was pressuring myself to do something that wasn’t needed. As I began to ask myself if there were other pressures I was putting on myself unnecessarily, I found others.

What can you eliminate or do less often that will relieve some pressure?

Jesus’ said to Martha when she was trying to make so many dishes for company: “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary” (Luke 10:41 ESV).

Of course we know He meant sitting at his feet like Mary, but maybe He also meant she could “downsize” the meal to include only one dish!

2. Re-read your journal.

Sometimes I’ll read my journal from a year ago or years ago.

I’m shocked to see that the things I worried about and felt pressured about weren’t really that important—in the end.

I wrote about what terrible things might happen if I didn’t do something just “right.” Or about the long range consequences if I made a mistake.

But without reading my journal, I wouldn’t be able to tell you now about those pressure-making circumstances. At the time, I felt pressured to pray exactly the right thing—as if I could know the future.

God worked things out often without me even knowing how to pray.

Proverbs 3:5 tells us not to lean on our own understanding. I think we can diminish pressure by not expecting ourselves to know exactly how to pray.

Yes, pray! But trust in God’s compassionate grace to know the right way to answer, even if it’s “no.”

3. Abide.

Lately, I’ve concentrated on living in the moment by following Jesus’ command to “abide”: “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love” (John 15:9 ESV).

For me, that has looked like being alert to God’s leading moment by moment and trusting His love can cover when I misunderstand.

It has meant believing:  

“God will give me enough time and energy to do what He wants me to do as I seek Him.”

If something doesn’t get done as I expected and I abided in Him, then that’s what He wanted to happen. I don’t have to feel pressured and beat myself up.

Which of those three insights could help you to resist pressuring yourself?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Kathy recently wrote Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today; and Choices of the Heart (Elk Lake Publishers). Visit Kathy's website/blog.

Graphic from Morguefile.

3 Ideas for Overcoming Procrastination

Kathy Collard Miller is an honest, transparent woman and when she talks about making wise choices, I know she has learned from experience. In this Choices UPGRADE, she deals with the tough topic of procrastination.

“Why do I keep procrastinating?" Kathy said. "I want to be stop delaying but I keep putting things off.”

Truth be known, I (Dawn) am a real pro at putting off the inevitable. At least in some areas of my life. I needed Kathy's refresher course in dealing with this weakness—procrastination!

Kathy continues . . . 

Just the other day I figuratively shook myself by my lapels and asked, “Kathy, why do you let the dishes stack up? It looks so messy!”

I had to be honest with myself that I call myself dependable but I’m selectively dependable. I let things go I should get done and as a result there is increased clutter, dirt and messes. I don’t like the results, but I don’t seem motivated to do what I should.

As I faced my problem, I began making some commitments led by the Holy Spirit.

Here are three ideas He used for me; I hope they are helpful for you if procrastination is one of your weaknesses.

1. Institute the 30-Second Rule.

Even though so much can get done in 30 seconds or one minute, I still put things off. For instance, I pull up my email account on my phone and receive a message that I could easily answer in 30 seconds or a minute. But because I don’t prefer poking that tiny alphabet pad or it’s too noisy to use the microphone, I tell myself I’ll wait to answer when I get to my desk. But then when I get to my desktop computer, so many emails have added up I have a big job—and I delay responding!

If I’d been willing to do “little” things rather than waiting, it wouldn’t be overwhelming.

That’s why I’ve been telling myself, "If something can be done within 30 seconds or a minute, even two minutes, do it right then." As a result, a fast answer to an email or text will save me time later and not feel overwhelming.

Sometimes we don’t recognize the value of little things, but God does. He says in Zechariah 4:10: “Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin" (NLT).

2. Recognize your motive for wanting to put things off.

I often wondered why I neglected doing the dishes. After all, instead of putting a dish into the sink or onto the counter, I could have used the same energy and time to stick it into the dishwasher—and it would be done!

Then one day after loading the dishwasher with dishes I could have loaded quickly over a day or two, I paid attention to my emotions. I recognized the sense of satisfaction in that moment. It felt good to transform the kitchen from messy to clean.

In a sense, my anticipation of that accomplishment had been rewarding—and motivating my procrastination. I knew I would feel like I had succeeded at something and so I didn’t complete the small tasks.

To combat procrastination, especially involving clutter, pay attention to your emotions. What emotion does waiting provide?

Whether it’s transforming a dirty kitchen or clearing off your desk, look to God for your satisfaction and joy. Anything that replaces Him is an idol. His approval is what we should seek because He wants to tell us, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).

3. I’m afraid of the response I’ll receive for taking action.

Whereas we just talked about the satisfaction of success, we can also procrastinate because we fear the potential “pain” that’ll result from taking action.

Maybe you’ve been putting off responding to that email because you’re convinced whoever receives it will become angry. Or you don’t know exactly what to say to your friend and so you delay—waiting for just the right words to show up in your mind.

But in making those choices of delay we aren’t trusting God.

• We’re trying to control the situation or another person so that we can protect ourselves from pain.
• We’re leaning on our own ideas and that’s contrary to Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (ESV).

If we recognize our procrastination as not trusting God, then we’re saying He can’t be in charge of the results.

Since He’s sovereign and therefore in charge of everything, He could literally bring a good result from our poor words, and He can bring an unexpected result (what seems negative at the time) from our good words.

We can’t control what happens but we can seek Him for wisdom; then take action and trust Him for the resulting “straightened path.”

I know these three ideas have been instrumental in seeing God’s work in empowering me to take action and increase my trust in Him.

In fact, just this morning, I responded to God’s prompting—finally—about suggesting a book idea to my agent. I really didn’t think he would like it and I feared the seeming “rejection.” But he quickly wrote back and said, “I like this and I think I know a publisher who would be interested.”

I don’t know what will happen, but for now I know I didn’t procrastinate (much!) and God may have a surprising result.

Which of those three insights could help you to resist procrastination?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Learn more about Kathy's unique ministry at her website/blog. Her latest book is Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today (Leafwood). 

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Mister GC at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.