Leaving a Creative Legacy

My grandmothers left me a rich creative legacy, and I asked Dena Dyer to share how she leaves a creative legacy in this Family UPGRADE.

"Leaving a creative legacy is something I strive for," Dena says.

God created all things (Colossians 1:16; John 1:3), and we are designed  in His creative image. I [Dawn] get sad when I see families where parents or grandparents fail to help their children and grandchildren develop creativity. It takes time and intentionality to nurture the gifts God places in the younger generation.

Dena continues…

On my mother’s side, I come from a long line of “creatives.” Which is a nice way of saying our family is a little whacked-out.

My great-grandfather Pappy wrote many unpublished short stories. His daughter Nanaw was an artist and writer. Her husband Dadaw was an amateur inventor, and my mother is a talented stained glass artist, children’s music teacher and decorator.

Each of my late relatives lived life with panache and turned ordinary moments into memorable experiences.

Pappy allowed his pet parakeet to drink coffee out of his cup in the mornings. Nanaw and Dadaw danced to the Muzak in the grocery store, much to my mother’s chagrin. While they waltzed around the frozen food, she hid behind the stacks of canned goods, praying no one would see her. Their defense? “We can’t let this good music go to waste!”

Once, the stories embarrassed me. Then they amused me. Now, they inspire me.

In fact, a Dyer family motto is “Why be normal? It’s so boring.”

I long for my kids carve their own paths, instead of following in the footsteps others have forged.

I’m grateful that my husband, a professional musician, shares my philosophy of parenting, and I’m also extremely thankful for grandparents and teachers who’ve come alongside us.

My younger son’s drama teacher, who took a break from the classroom for several years, told us, “The main difference I noticed when I came back was that the kids were much less creative. They didn’t know how to use their imaginations.” She attributed the change to a rise in electronics use, overscheduled families, and school curriculum which elevates standardized instruction over discovery-based learning.

I found that incredibly sad … and disturbing.

In our family, we love our computers, tablets, and smart phones as much as anyone (and they can be great tools for both discovery and expression), but we try to balance non-creative electronics use with active play.

• Often, creativity is as simple as changing a routine: “Put some music on while we clean.”
• It might mean instituting a silly family tradition: “Let’s go to Sonic for a cherry limeade—in our pajamas!”
• At times, it occurs organically—after the “b” word slips out. (My boys know that if they say, “I’m bored,” I will put them to work. So they create their own fun as a last resort, just to avoid chores.)

We’ve also arranged our family budget to include funds for art and music lessons, creative experiences, and supplies. It’s more important for us that our sons have memorable experiences than name-brand clothing.

Of course, we don’t always get it “right,” and there are times when laziness or inertia sets in. For those days, I cling to God’s grace.

In the future, Jordan and Jackson might seek therapy for the way we’ve raised them. However, they might also thank us. I’m praying for that alternative.

Luci Shaw writes, “I’m convinced that the whole world is better when we, as individuals, capture and savor each moment as the gift that it is, embrace the challenge or joy of it … and thereby transform it with the magic of creative possibility.”

I think Pappy, Nanaw and Dadaw would agree.

What are you doing to leave a "creative legacy" for your children or grandchildren ... or even some children in your sphere of influence?

Dena Dyer is a wife, mom, author and speaker from Texas. A version of this story appears in Grace for the Race: Meditations for Busy Moms (Patheos). Her newest book is Wounded Women of the Bible: Finding Hope When Life Hurts (Kregel), co-authored with Tina Samples.

Mom, Don't Forget to Take Care of You!

Melissa Mashburn, a busy pastor's wife, knows the importance of caring for herself so she can be strong to care for others. She shares this Upgrade for moms (with solid truth for all women).

As moms," Melissa says, "we wear many hats, we are a referee, a tutor, a police officer, a maid, a chef, a boo-boo kisser, a nighttime cuddler and also a taxi."

Oh how well I [Dawn] remember those busy days of motherhood. I gave and gave and gave, and it wasn't long before I felt depleted. I needed to step off the motherhood treadmill sometimes!

Melissa continues ...

Yes, we are always on the go and usually with our kids in tow. We manage our households with great care and grace, but when was the last time you actually did anything for yourself ... or better yet, by yourself.

Did you just shake your head and giggle a little? I think you did.

I know you might be thinking, “How on earth can I stop and do something just for for me? Don’t you know how many things there are to do right now?”

Listen mom, I know you’ve been running around getting a ton of things done for everyone else in your family, but do me a favor and don’t forget to take care of you too. The Psalmist said God cares for us:

Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall (Psalm 55:22 NLT).

But it's good for us to cooperate and take care of ourselves too!

You know when you are on a plane getting ready for take off and the flight attendant does the safety instructions? They always say, "In case there is a change in cabin pressure the masks will drop down. You need to place your mask on first before helping children or anyone else."

As a mom, that used to really bother me. But then I realized that if you don't, then you won't be able to help anyone else in an emergency. The same holds true in your everyday, ordinary life.

Taking care of you doesn’t mean you neglect all those other things, it simply means doing things a little differently so that you can enjoy the peace and perspective that comes when you do something just for you.

My kids aren’t little any longer. I learned along the way that I could be a better mom to them by taking care of myself a little in the process. It will take some planning and coordination on your part, but when you do take time for yourelf, you will actually be giving yourself the margin you need when life gets stressful and hectic.

Here’s a few ways you can take care of you:

1. Don’t forget your quiet time - Start your day in prayer, even if it means getting up earlier than you normally do. 

2. Make time for your marriage - Once a month, schedule a "date day" with your husband. Go ahead and hire the babysitter, and block the date on the calendar.

3. Call upon your girlfriends - Schedule some time for you to go get some coffee, lunch, a manicure, or something you can do and enjoy, either alone or with friends.

Get creative on how to make that happen:  babysitting swap with a friend, or even share a babysitter between the two families.

4. Get involved at your church, preferably in a Bible study or a community group. Get connected with other women and/or couples.

Here’s a tip though ... go into it with open hands. Life can get complicated, and even the best laid plans don’t always come together the way we would like them to.

By having your hands open, you release all the stress and pressure to make things “perfect” and allow room for life to happen even in the middle of the change. Rest in God's loving care: You gave me life and showed me your unfailing love. My life was preserved by your care (Job 10:12, NLT).

Making it a priority to take care of you isn’t a selfish thing, it’s not even something that “other moms” get to do. It’s a chance to stop and count your blessings in the midst of being a busy mom.

Go ahead, try it today.

What about you? What’s one way you can take care of you this week?

Melissa Mashburn passionately pursues God daily, taking her ordinary life and placing it as her offering to Him. She is a writer, speaker, mom, pastor’s wife, and trained communicator through CLASSeminars, with extensive background in Women’s and Kid’s Ministry, and her passion is helping women “keep it real” in their lives and ministries. Melissa is married to her best friend, Matt (20 years), and they have two teenage boys. She loves to relax with a great book and giant cup of coffee. You can find her at Mel’s World with Melissa Mashburn.

Parents: Choose to Diffuse the Battle

After I read an excerpt from Cindi McMenamin’s new book on inspiring daughters, I asked her to share some tips on dealing with parenting “battles.”

“Are you tired of living on a battlefield when it comes to raising your children?” Cindi asks. “Does it seem like every time you turn around there's an argument brewing?” 

I [Dawn] recently watched an angry mom struggling with her son's belligerance at Wal-Mart. She mimicked his attitude rather than responding to it. She needed this UPGRADE Your Parenting wisdom!

Cindi continues …

As I was writing my book, When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, I included some practical ways we can choose our battles wisely and also diffuse some battles so we're not constantly in a warzone with our children. 

But I realized recently, that these peace-making principles can apply to ANY relationship. That's probably because our battles can be intensified or diffused altogether based on how we—as wives, moms, and girlfriends—choose to react.

Whether you're going head-to-head with your teenager, husband, difficult family member, or anyone else, these steps can help you bring calm to an otherwise chaotic situation:  

1. Don't Overreact. It's easy for some of us to think the worst and overreact to a situation. To react emotionally, rather than rationally and maturely, tends to escalate a discussion into a battle.

This is where James 1:19 is so appropriate, especially in the heat of the battle:

"But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;  for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."

2. Don't Lose Your Cool.  Our volume and energy level can escalate or eliminate a battle in the making.

After many situations of completely blowing it in this area with my daughter when she was a teenager, I have learned to say a quick prayer in the heat of the moment: "God, help me to respond in a way that will bring about a gentle and loving response from her."

When I put the emotional thermometer in my lap and make it my responsibility, it's amazing how well that will diffuse or eliminate a battle, altogether.  

3. Don't Let Your Pride Get in the Way. If you find you are in a "fighting all the time" phase with a child, spouse, or someone else, it may be that another issue is involved.

I learned early on in my marriage that if I am triggered into an argument or a defensive position, there is likely an issue of pride at stake.

• Unhealthy pride. The kind that says "Who are YOU to talk to ME that way?"
• Pride also says "I am not going to let this person think this way about me."
• Pride can also rear its ugly head when we think: I've had it. I'm not going to take this anymore!

I'm not talking about responding to issues of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. I am talking about discussions or arguments that go sour because our feathers get ruffled and our pride gets hurt.

I'm talking about dying to self and the desire to protect our image at all costs.

It takes a great amount of trust in God to give up our need to defend ourselves and leave our reputation in God's hands. He sees our hearts, He knows our motives, and He can protect our name. After all, if we are following and identifying ourselves with Him, then His name is our name. And He is perfectly capable of taking care of His own.

Can you take one—or all—of these steps today and diffuse a battle that is knocking at your door?

Cindi McMenamin is a national women's conference and retreat speaker and the author of a dozen books, including When Women Walk Alone (more than 120,000 copies sold), When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, and When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, upon which this article is based. For more on her books and ministry, or to download free resources to strengthen your marriage, parenting, or individual walk with God, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic in text: adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Stop Yelling at the Kids

Sheila Wray Gregoire, blogger at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, writes and speaks to strengthen marriages. She addresses marriage and intimacy issues, parenting and homeschooling. When I read her great ideas for moms who “lose it” with their kids,* I knew she’d be perfect for an Upgrade Your Parenting post.

“Question 1: Do you yell at your kids because you’re too busy?” Sheila asks.

Thinking back on my parenting years, I nod my head. Uh, huh—too busy. And Sheila addresses some other common reasons.

She continues …

Most of the time I yell it’s because I’m aggravated. And the reason I’m aggravated is because: (1) I have plans, and things to get done, and (2) other people aren’t getting with the program.

We yell because we think the real issue is #2. But what if it’s actually #1?

In many scenarios, the children are behaving perfectly normally. The problem is not that the children won’t get with the program; it’s that you have made decisions which make it virtually impossible for the children to cooperate.

It’s that what you’re asking them (and what you’re asking of yourself) may very well be unreasonable.

Take a look at the last three times you really yelled at your kids. What was going on? Were you in a hurry? What was your schedule like? Is there something YOU can do differently to prevent getting annoyed with everyone and everything?

Question 2: Do you yell at your kids because you’re afraid of something?

Anger is often a secondary emotion. We often feel anger because it’s “safer” to feel than some of the other emotions—insecurity, fear, guilt. So when someone pushes a button that triggers a “scary” emotion, we often react in anger, sometimes without realizing what the real trigger is.

The next time you find yourself yelling, ask yourself: what am I really feeling here? Am I scared of something? Am I feeling guilty about something? Pray about that feeling instead.

Question 3: Are you taking time to talk to your kids?

It seems as if you can never get any time alone, away from constant demands!

Here’s the truth: kids like to “check in” and know that they’re secure and safe. They know that when they have your undivided attention. If you can give your child some undivided attention throughout the day, even if it’s just in short spurts, they’re far more likely to let you have some of your own alone time later. Before you start something where you need the kids to leave you alone, take some one-on-one (or one-on-two) time with them. Make it a habit of giving your kids some attention before you need them to leave you in peace.

Question 4: Are you setting consequences for bad behavior, and letting the consequences do the work?

Yelling is not a punishment, yet when we’re mad, often the first thing we do is yell. Kids often learn to drown it out. You yell; you vent some steam; but nothing really changes.

It’s better to have consequences for bad behavior that are immediate, known, and obvious. When you start following through with consequences, kids usually start listening to you—and listening to the warning, better.

Question 5: Are you using a serious voice?

Have you ever noticed how little kids especially are more inclined to listen when dad says something? Dads have deeper, and thus scarier, voices. We moms have this sing-song voice. You’re likely using the same voice that you use for everyday conversation.

If you have something you really want your children to do, use a lower voice and fewer words. In a deep voice. Change your tone and issue a command; don’t make a statement. Let kids know you mean business, and it may not escalate. Kids need to know the difference between you talking to them and you asking them to do something.

Question 6: Are you letting God help you?

I want to reassure you that God wants to help. He doesn’t want you yelling at your precious children, since they are also His precious children. He says in Ephesians 4:29,

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

He also says we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. So when you feel weak, ask Him to help you be a great mother to these kids. Even this struggle can help bring you closer to God, and through that He can open the window onto some other things in your heart, and can help heal you and your whole family.

Which of the six questions do you need to work on? Do you have other suggestions to stop the yelling?

* NOTE: Adapted from Sheila’s complete post on this topic, including scenarios for each point. Visit her blog post at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Sheila Wray Gregoire is a syndicated colunist, blogger and speaker. The author of seven books, including How Big Is Your Umbrella and To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Sheila mixes humor and real-life stories to help women deal with the messy problems many of us face. She holds two Master's degrees from Queen's University, but says her real education has come as a wife to Keith and mother to Rebecca and Katie, who they homeschool and take on mission trips. Though Sheila is married to a physician, she still faints at the sign of blood! For more about Sheila, visit her website.

Raising a Modern-Day Princess

Doreen Hanna, the founder and president of Treasured Celebrations Ministries and the co-author of Raising a Modern Day Princess, cares about little girls’ hearts.

“Upgrade your teen daughter or granddaughter’s life,” Doreen says. “Raise her to be a Modern Day Princess!”   

As “Grammy” to three little girls, I want them to grow up to be strong, confident young women of God. But something like that doesn’t just happen. Moms and grandmoms need to be intentional.

Doreen continues …

I can already hear a mom of teenage daughter saying “What? Another upgrade? She already wants to upgrade her cell phone, her clothes, her i-pod … maybe even her friends or a family member, if it were possible!” 

Whether in a device or our personal life, an upgrade will always require us or our girls to make an investment of time, patience and sometimes money to manage that new upgrade.

I’m sure as a mother, mentor or grandmother, most of us seek to upgrade our girls’ lives spiritually. We want to equip them to embrace who they in Christ. Desiring that they become a true Modern-Day Princess—a Daughter of the King.

We desire for them to know the benefits of such an upgrade in their spiritual life, like embracing the wealth of wisdom that lies within God’s Word—wisdom that can guide them throughout their future.   

You as a mother, mentor, or grandmother (and I, as the founder of Modern Day Princess Headquarters) face the reality of some of the downgrades (heartbreaking statistics) when we consider the girls in our own community, church or family. Consider this:

• Fifty percent of all teen girls are bullied due to lack of self-confidence.
• One in every three girls, ages 11-18, has been diagnosed with clinical depression.
• One in every 12 girls will attempt suicide before the age of 18.

Ladies!  We have been empowered by God’s Word and His Holy Spirit to give our girls a Premium Upgrade! We do this by speaking life and truth into each young mind and heart and by living a trustworthy life before them. We have these two key “apps” that have eternal impact.

So let’s take some practical steps to evaluate some upgrades for your Princess:

Upgrade #1 - If it’s an upgrade of a material object, like a new device: (1) Consider together, what will be the initial investment? (2) Who is going to pay for any additional monthly costs? (3) Will it cause loss of time with her most important relationship, her family?

Upgrade #2 – If it is an upgrade about her—her clothes, a new hairstyle, room décor, etc.: (1) Be honest. Do you have the funds to provide this right now? (2) Is she willing to use some of her own money to contribute? (3) Is it truly a need, or just a want?

Upgrade #3 – If it is an upgrade regarding friends (one of the most challenging upgrades): (1) Is her friend seeking to live like Christ? (2) How does she show it? (3) If she is not a Christian, are you willing to set the example?

Upgrade #4 – If it is an upgrade regarding family (another challenging upgrade): (1) Are we willing to forgive? (2) Willing to set the example? (3) To give the respect that others deserve?

Pray together as you consider these steps that will equip your daughter or granddaughter  for life and encourage her to become a Modern-Day Princess for the Lord. It’s truly a priceless upgrade!

What upgrade does your daughter need the most at this time? Are you willing to invest the time and resources to encourage her and help her grow as a Daughter of the King?

Doreen Hanna is the founder and president of Treasured Celebrations Ministries and the co-author, with Pam Farrel of Raising a Modern Day Princess and the companion journal, Becoming a Modern-Day Princess. Her ministry empowers women to equip girls and give them an integrity-based rite-of-passage in today’s culture. Visit Doreen’s website for more information.