Invest in Your Prime Relationships - Part 2

What are your "Prime Relationships"? In the last UPGRADE post, Dawn asked this question and said we can all invest more in our prime relationships. First we invest in our relationship with the Lord, and then we invest in ourselves (so we will be strong and ready to serve God).

There are three other priority relationships, and investments in each of them can make a huge difference in OUR lives - and in THEIRS!

[Note: for a more detailed version of this post with scriptures, see my other blog: Heart Choices Today.]

          Investment #3: INVEST in YOUR SPOUSE

If you are married, this is your prime relationship after your relationship with God. 

There are so many ways to invest in a spouse. Here are only a few:

1. Communicate Love and Appreciation.

• Learn and apply the "love list." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
  
• Make regular verbal "deposits."
  

2. Develop a Partnership.

• Don't try to go it alone. You are "heirs of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7). 
• Become friendly warriors together in the battle against temptation.
  
• Seek the Lord together for His purposes in your home.
  
• Ask, "How can I help?"
  

3. Value Gifts and Skills.

• Discover your Partner's spiritual gifts. 
• Notice your partner's skills. 
• Help cultivate these gifts.
  
• Appreciate and value your partner in public.
  

4. Fulfill Your Role.

• Study the Blueprint. (Ephesians 6:21-33)

• Husbands can protect, provide for, lead with love and wisdom; respond in gentle, loving, kind and respectful ways to honor their wives; express appropriate public praise; and study their wives and help them become the women God purposed them to be.
• Wives can support and encourage his leadership in the home; appreciate their work; manage their home well; show respect; trust God with her highest hopes for her man; and understand and appreciate her husband's God-given sexual needs.

          Investment #4: INVEST in YOUR CHILDREN

After your spouse, your children are the next priority investment—not the other way around.

1. Love Them Unconditionally.

• Don't expect perfection. Your kids are going to mess up. They're kids!
  
• Express your love privately and publicly.
  
• Help them see the value of "family." 
  

2. Teach Them to Seek the Lord.

• Help them see their need for the Lord.
  
• Don't give answers too quickly. Challenge them to search the scripture.
• Teach them how to pray.
  
• Promote a godly legacy.
  

3. Discipline Wisely.

• Distinguish between immaturity and defiance. 
• Discipline quickly and wisely. 
• Encourage proper respect.
  
• Encourage growth and change.
  

4. Model Good Character.

• Model behavior you want repeated. .
• Reward good behavior.
  
• Train them to be responsible.
  
• Help them cultivate godly friendships.
  

5. Encourage Creative Growth.

• Don't overschedule their lives.
  
• Encourage their creativity.
  
• Help them stretch.
  
• Give them space to pursue their dreams.
  

          Investment #5: INVEST in YOUR FRIENDSHIPS

Good friends don't just happen. Friendship requires intentional investment.

1. Practice Committed Encouragement.

• Be intentional.
  
• Practice loyalty.
• Be generous.
  
• Build into their lives. .
  

2. Listen More and Better.

• Listen to their heart.
  
• Listen with compassion.
  
• Ask questions. Seek to understand so you can encourage.
  

3. Challenge Greater Growth.

• Go deeper, with purpose. If youi've developed the kind of friendship that can bear the weight of accountability, ask deeper questions that challenge your friend to greater growth.
  
• Come alongside.
  
• Pray for your friend regularly.
  

Can you apply any of these strategies to your own prime relationships? Which one would make the biggest difference today?

Note: There was a lot of territory covered in these two posts, and by all means, it does not cover everything that will encourage wise investments in your relationships. I encourage you to discover more as you "read the manual" for all relationships: the Word of God.

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Invest in Your Prime Relationships - Part 1

What are your "Prime Relationships"? In this Relationship UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson encourages the kind of "investments" in these relationships that reap powerful results—so it's important to know what they are.

[Note: For a more detailed version of this post with scriptures, see my other blog: Heart Choices Today.]

Investments are not only about money. Investments are akin to watering what you want to grow! We can invest in relationships!

When we invest in someone's life, it likely to cost us something. But investing is wise!

• Someone invested invested in my life this year with her time, helping me with a project.
• Another someone invested in my life using her financial resources.
  
• And another invested encouragement, motivating me to see the big picture when I was so focused on one failing day.

I want to invest in others' lives too, with time, talents, finances, prayers, words, truth ... and so much more. I'm asking the Lord to help me see needs so I can "invest" wisely. How about you?

In this two-part post, I want to share some practical ways we can wisely and faithfully "invest."

These are the first two "investents."

          Investment #1. INVEST in YOUR LORD

Don't forget: this is your prime relationship! 

Jesus said, "...what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36). 

We can store up treasures and yet not be "rich toward God" (Luke 12:21).

1. Know the Lord.

• Examine your heart. Do you really know Him, or just know about Him? 
• Seek Him. Pursue Him. Be intentional. 
• Grow in your intimacy with Him. 

2. Deposit Your Life with the Lord.

• Trust His character. 
• Appreciate His love. 
• Celebrate your security (in Christ). 

3. Seek to Please the Father.

• Yield Your body to Him. 
• Be obedient to Him.
• Follow Jesus' example. 
• Discover how to be like Jesus! 
• Bear good fruit! 
• Love others well. 

4. Cherish His Word.

• Use your Bible. 
• Stand for truth. 

5. Rely on the Holy Spirit.

• Don't Ignore God's Gift. 

          Investment #2. INVEST in  YOURSELF.

Viewed correctly and biblically this isn't selfishness.

If you don't invest in your own health and well-being, how will you find the strength to invest in others?

Loving others as yourself assumes you've learned how to love yourself biblically (Mark 12:30-31). 

1. Take Care of Yourself!

• Nurture your body.
  
• Move your body.
  
• Relax.
  
• Get some sleep .
  

2. "Paint the Barn."

• Maintain the Temple... reflect the beauty of the Lord who created you. 
• Style yourself for a simple, attractive appearance.

3. Expand Your Horizons.

• Discover your strengths and weaknesses ... your spiritual gifts.
  
• Develop some new skills and explore creativity options. 
• Expand your knowledge.
  
• Further your education.
  

4. Plan for Strategic Dreaming!

• Plan to decompress.
• Plan in daily "breaks" to rest and recharge.
  
• Give yourself permission and time to dream. 
• Be a FINANCIAL investor.
  
• Set aside some "dream" money.
  

5. Practice Gratitude.

• Look for things to appreciate. 
• Train yourself to notice God's goodness. 
  
• Be thankful for grace.
  
• Worship in thanksgiving.
  

We'll continue with three more "investments" in the next post. [Note: for a longer version of this post with scriptures, see my other blog: Heart Choices Today.]

Meanwhile, do you need to invest more in your relationship with the Lord, in your own well-being, or in your husband? Which of these tips might help today?

Dawn Wilson,  founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

8 Myths for Why Relationships Fail - Part 2

In Part 2 of this Relationship UPGRADE, Laura Petherbridge asks us to explore the last four myths for why relationships fail.

You might want to remember and consider what Laura said in Part 1: There are “hidden booby traps that often go undetected until the relationship dies.”

I (Dawn) don’t think any wise person wants his/her marriage to die. We want to expose those booby traps so we can work on the relationship! I still remember the day I realized I was believing Myth #6 (below) in my own marriage! I had to confront it and change … and in turn, it strengthened our marriage.

So let’s continue with Laura in Part 2 . . .

Myth #5: Pornography Will Not Harm My Marriage.

If I plopped a few drops of Clorox bleach into your morning coffee would you drink it? Likely not.

That’s how pornography affects the precious sweetness of the sexual union between a husband and a wife. It’s toxic and deadly.

It’s adultery. Period.

“My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins” (Psalm 38: 5 NLT).

Myth #6: It’s My Spouse’s Job to Meet My Needs.

When we expect a human to meet a need that can only God can fill, we are headed for disappointment and trouble. It is neither feasible nor wise to expect a spouse to meet all of my needs.

God is the only one up for the task. He intentionally created us to seek our significance and purpose through Him alone. He is our source.

“For in him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28a NIV).

Myth #7: Keeping Secrets from My Spouse Will Not Harm My Marriage.

Can your spouse look at your phone, computer, DVDs, gas mileage, receipts, credit card bill, closet, calendar or hiding spot at any time? If the answer is no, the immediate question is, “why not”? If the answer is because he/she is a manipulative bully and dictates your every move, than you have a different problem. But if it’s because you don’t want to be held accountable—that’s deception.

And lies destroy relationships.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” John 10:10 (NIV).

Myth #8: Divorce Does Not Happen to Good Christians.

I cringe when I hear a sermon where the pastor/speaker states that the way to keep a marriage alive is by “removing the word divorce from your vocabulary.”

Why? I have proof it’s untrue.

I removed the word divorce from my vocabulary. My former husband did not. I ended up ambushed by divorce.

The implication is a marriage will stay intact if a spouse decides to keep their vow. That’s incorrect because marriage involves two people. And it takes two people to get married, but only one person to divorce.

The phrase sets us up for failure because it implies you can control the actions and decisions of your spouse.

I hate divorce and desperately wanted my marriage to succeed.

And yet it didn’t.

Church attendance, Bible reading, salvation, prayer and reciting “I’ll never get divorced” do not automatically inoculate a spouse from divorce. Almost every person I’ve ministered to in divorce recovery said to me, “I can’t believe it. How did this happen? I never dreamed I’d be divorced.”

A wise Christian continuously works on strengthening his/her marriage, allows accountability, and discovers areas of weakness.

He/she fervently prays, learns, reads and grows as a spouse. All the while understanding, “The desire of my heart is to please God and be a steadfast, respectful compassionate and loving mate. I pray my spouse will do the same. God is in charge of controlling those things in my spouse. I can’t control the actions of another person.”

“Foolish dreamers live in a world of illusion; wise realists plant their feet on the ground” (Proverbs 14:18 MSG).

The reality is that marriage is not nearly as much about finding the right person as it is becoming the right person.

Do you see elements of the last four myths in your own marriage? What can you do today to improve your marriage? Do you have a wise, godly counselor who can help you work through tough issues? You don’t have to go through a difficult marriage alone.

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on singles, relationships, divorce prevention, stepfamilies and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce; The Smart Stepmom—co-authored with Ron Deal; 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom; and Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Visit Laura’s website, The Smart Stepmom.

Graphic adapted, image courtesy of stocksnapio.

8 Myths for Why Relationships Fail - Part 1

As a speaker, author, teacher and life coach, Laura Petherbridge builds bridges of hope for and has keen insight into why relationships fail. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she offers helpful tips to help all married couples “check up” on their marriages.

“After more than twenty-five years in divorce recovery ministry,” Laura says, “I’ve watched more marriages disintegrate than I can count. Why do these relationships fail?”

I (Dawn) so appreciate Laura’s willingness to reach out to those who hurt from broken relationships—often a forgotten topic in our churches. She offers help from the Word of God and her own experiences.

Laura continues . . .

Listening to people who are getting divorced has helped me to uncover some of the root causes. These aren’t the obvious signs such as an empty check book or separate bedrooms. I’m referring to the concealed explosives lurking beneath the tension and fighting. The issues hidden under the stuff we address in church such as: love types, financial stress, gender differences, communication skills, respect, and intimacy.

Because the couple, “doesn’t know-what they don’t know” they rarely recognize the undetected detonators that destroy a marriage which could have been saved.

The unique insight I’ve gleaned after years working with those divorcing propels me to help expose the hidden booby traps that often go undetected until the relationship dies.

Here are 8 myths we believe about falling in love, getting married and maintaining a relationship.

Myth #1: Leniency Is an Act of Love

Does God have any problem allowing us to suffer a consequence when we make an unwise or sinful choice? 

NO. (Disagree? Look up Adam and Eve, King David and Ananias/Sapphira.)

Then where did we get the crazy notion that loving our spouse means tolerating, ignoring, and making excuses for their harmful and sinful choices?

We certainly didn’t learn that perversion from the word from God—the Creator of Love.

He explains it clearly:

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word” (Psalm 119:67 NIV).

Suffering, not leniency, was the action that brought the Psalmist to his senses.

True love allows a spouse to suffer a consequence when they repeatedly choose an unwise, destructive pattern.

The loving response is not done in disrespect or anger but rather a compassionate attitude of, “I love you too much to let you keep doing this without a consequence.” A harsh reality often provides the catalyst and motivation necessary for the spouse to come to their senses, make changes—and thrive.

Myth #2: I Can Change My Spouse.

I’m so grateful God is patient. It took the Holy Spirit some time and consistent nudging before I finally realized I was sinning and spitting in God’s face when I attempted to change or “fix” someone else—including my spouse.

God packed my husband’s personality luggage in the way He knew was best. I needed to stop trying to change him into what I think he should be—like ME!

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart” (Jeremiah 1:5 NLT).

Myth #3:  I’m Entitled to Be Happy.

As much as I love my country, being born today in the USA comes with one significant pitfall. The land of the “free and the brave” has morphed into “I deserve to have and do whatever I want.”

As a nation we spend a lot of time focusing on our “rights” rather than our responsibilities. And this self-glorifying attitude is killing our marriages.

If there was ever a person who had the right to claim His rights—it was King Jesus! Even his trial was illegal. However, this is not His focus. He teaches us to focus on responsibility rather than rights. Loyalty lifts our head and fills us with self-respect, character, and dignity. This is the foundation that builds a healthy marriage and family.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3 NIV).

Myth #4: My Childhood and Previous Emotional Wounds Are in the Past. They Have No Effect on My Marriage.

Both the sins done to you and the sins done by you affect your marriage. Past destructive choices embed shame, fear and self-loathing. That’s why God hates sin, it shackles us to lies and darkness. And unless we confront those tormentors, and learn how they have perverted our thinking and actions, they fester.

We cannot heal and restore what we refuse to admit and acknowledge. 

Jesus forgives all sin and teaches us how to forgive others. The first step toward restoration is speaking truth and surrender.

“My father and mother walked out and left me, but GOD took me in” Psalm 27:10 (MSG).

Have you believed any of these myths so far? What is God saying to you about your marriage in relation to His truth?

In Part Two of this post, Laura will explore four more myths about relationships to help us understand why they fail.

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on singles, relationships, divorce prevention, stepfamilies and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce; The Smart Stepmom—co-authored with Ron Deal; 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom; and Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Visit Laura’s website, The Smart Stepmom.

Graphic adapted, i

How to Love Cantankerous People

Dianne Barker helps women navigate the challenges in their lives, encouraging them to follow Jesus. In this UPGRADE, she offers practical tips for tough relationships.

          

“Where do they come from? Surely there’s a factory somewhere in America turning out cantankerous people like an auto assembly line. They’re everywhere!” Dianne said. “Grocery check-out. Department store. Medical office. Work place. School. Neighborhood. Church. Under our own roof.”

A woman’s name instantly came to my (Dawn’s) mind as I read those words. How about you? As you read this post, think about the “cantankerous” person in your own life.

Dianne continues …

We encounter cantankerous people when we least expect them—prayed up, filled with joy, minding our own business…then bam! Somebody comes along stomping out happiness.

Unprovoked touch-and-go stranger clashes rattle us momentarily, but we recover, pray for the person, and move on. The challenge: living in a daily unchangeable relationship with a cantankerous person. I call this complicated dimension hard lovin’.

I wasn’t sure cantankerous was a legitimate word. It is indeed and loaded with meaning. Bad-tempered, irritable, crabby, argumentative, difficult, complaining, unreasonable, belligerent, cranky, grouchy, grumpy, disagreeable. Anyone you know?

We spend life from cradle to grave sharing relationships. Some are easy. Some are downright hard.

How do we practice hard lovin’ in permanent relationships with cantankerous people who may act more like an enemy than kin?

Jesus, in His own words:

“…Make it a practice to love your enemies, treat well (do good to, act nobly toward) those who detest you and pursue you with hatred. Invoke the blessings upon and pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Implore God’s blessing (favor) upon those who abuse you (who revile, reproach, disparage, and high-handedly misuse you)” (Luke 6:27-28 Amplified).

That kind of love is gut-wrenching! Why bother? Apostle Paul said, “I always take pains to have a clear conscience toward both God and man” (Acts 24:16).

I bother so my conscience is clear.

I’ve learned this:

1. One person in the relationship, relying on God’s grace, can change the relationship.

“Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you” (Jeremiah 32:17).

2. The relationship is more important than the last word.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent” (Exodus 14:14).

3. Loving most is a Christ-like thing. He laid down His life.

He said, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13).

4. If I do all the giving, I get all the blessing.

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us…” (Ephesians 3:20).

5. The quality of a relationship is determined by one radical decision: I will obey God, putting into practice what His Word says, no matter what.

“When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him” (Proverbs 16:7).

More from Paul (Romans 12:9-12):

• “Let love be genuine…
• Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor…
• Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them…
• Live in harmony with one another…
• Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…
• Never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’
• To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

 How do we practice hard lovin’ in difficult permanent relationships? Just do it.

 “Let a man be what he will, you are to love him” (Andrew Murray, Absolute Surrender).

 Which of the five tips will help you best respond to your “cantankerous” person?

Dianne Barker is a conference speaker, freelance journalist, radio host, and author of eleven books including the 1986 best-seller Twice Pardoned (life of Harold Morris, Focus on the Family Publishing). Her new book, I Don’t Chase the Garbage Truck down the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life throws a rope to the desperate drowning in disorganization—purging interior garbage (inferiority, low esteem) and submitting fully to Christ. She and her husband James have two married children and one grandson.

Graphic in text adapted, Image courtesy of Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net