The 7 Friendships We All Need

In this Friendship UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson shares some important things she has learned about friendships, and the "Girlfriend Power" that comes when we cultivate a number of kinds of friendships—including friendship with Jesus Christ.

This article includes some general thoughts about friendship, the four levels of friendship, seven kinds of friendship, and a little about Jesus—the friend of sinners.

Some General Thoughts about Friendship

Our Father God created us to be social creatures. Friendship is an important element of that.

The New Testament gives us three words for "friends."

• A Phlios friend - This is a friendship that is endearing or dear.
• A Hetairos friend — This is more like companionship or partnership; a common goal, but not necessarily like a philos friend.
• A Peitho friend — This is someone we try to persuade or influence, and in some cases, it can disintegrate into manipulation (which is not something we want to do).

The Bible warns us about friends who that can corrupt us (1 Corinthians 15:33) or friends who can turn on us—"false friends" like Pharaoh's butler (Genesis 40:23), Ahithophel, David's counselor (2 Samuel 15:12), Judas Isariot (Matthew 26:48-49).

But positive friendships can build us up in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a—the qualities of genuine love.  

What should be the scope of our friendships?

We need to cultivate friendships in the world (while not becoming like the world)—with neighbors, co-workers, etc.,—so we can be used of God in their lives. We also need to cultivate friendships in the family of God (Psalm 119:63), which will be a great source of strength.

Potential friends might be introverts, extroverts (or ambiverts, a combination). You will be wise not to exclude people who are not "like you." God will lead you to the kinds of friends that you need the most, or that need you the most, so that you can minister well and bring Him praise.

Most people experience FOUR LEVELS OF FRIENDSHIP. Jesus, our example, experienced all four during His earthly ministry.

1. Acquaintances

These are people you say "hi" to all the time, or even a one-time contact. But don't take them lightly; they are likely divine appointments.

Like most of us, Jesus had many acquaintances, and He took time to interact with them. He asked simple questions to get to know them better (on a human level) or help them understand or evaluate their own needs.

In the story of the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-26), Jesus asked the woman at the well a simple question, "Will you give me a drink?" He asked blind Bartimaeus (Mark 10:46-52), "What do you want me to do for you?"—and then, responding to the man's faith, Jesus restored his sight.

You might ask an acquaintance general questions—like "Where do you work?" or "Can you help me with this?"—to open the door to getting to know her better in a public way.

2. Casual Friends 

These are most of the friendships you'll make. A casual friendship can develop quickly from acquaintances. (Note: Many friendships are begun and developed online that might be described as casual or a higher level, over time.)

It's been said that casual friendships are "soulish"—connections are made through the mind, will and emotions. Casual friends may have common interests or activities. They may express similar concerns.

Jesus told wealthy Zacchaeus He was going to visit in his home, but He recognized the tax collector's curiosity and eagerness, and He turned the conversation to spiriitual things (Luke 19:1-9). Jesus' acquaintance-level encounter with the inquiring Nicodemus led to a casual (but meaningful) conversation as He taught the Jewish council member biblical truths he'd missed (John 3:1-21).

Casual friendships are built by asking more personal questions: (1) to discover strengths and weaknesses, and (2) for mutual spiritual growth. For example, ask casual friends for their opinions and goals. Seek out ways to help them, pray for them, or encourage interest in the Bible.

Be trustworthy and many of these relationships will grow closer.

3. Close Friends

These are a smaller group of friends. While the first two levels can be with believers or non-believers, for the Christian, close friendships are meant to be "spiritual." A oneness of spirit develops IN the Spirit (2 Corinthians 13:14; Philippians 2:1-2; 1 John 1:5, 7).

Jesus' relationship with most of His disciples would be this kind of friendship; and Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were likely also close friends. Mary Magdalene was a committed follower too, and likely a close friend. There are many biblical examples of how He built into their lives in spiritual ways, encouraged them, and helped them understand biblical truth.

There's a higher level of responsibility in close friendships. We are instructed to exhort one another and  "provoke one another" to love and good works (Hebrews 3:13; 10:24).

At this level, friends should invest in each other. Perhaps they might join in a Bible study togehter or work on a projects together that lead to mutual maturity and spiritual success.

4. Intimate Friends

At each level, the number of friends decreases. Jesus seemed to have a special friendship with an "inner circle" of friends. These kinds of friends are special and rare.

Three disciples are mentioned as being with Jesus at extraordinary times when His glory and power were manifest, and when He was sorrowful and needing physical strength. These three—Peter, James, and his brother, John—were with Him at the Transfiguration (Mark 9:2-13; Luke 9:28), when He raised Jairus' daughter (Mark 5:37; Luke 8:51), and during His agony in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-38).

A natural-born and proud leader, Peter led the disciples in a profound statement of faith (Matthew 16:17-19); but the Lord—in His sovereign love for His friend—had to take Peter through a tough learning process, teaching him humility after he denied the Lord (Luke 22:54-62).

The "sons of thunder"—James and John—were likely together with Jesus a lot. John was described as the "one Jesus loved" (John 13:23)—they were essentially "best friends." It was to this John that He entrusted the care of His earthly mother (John 19:26). Faithful James was the first martyr for his testimony of faith in Jesus (Acts 12:2).

With our intimate friends, our goal is to help each other mature in godly character and obey the Lord. This may take on many forms: Correction or pointing out "blind spots;" Helping discern root causes and suggesting biblical solutions; Honest conversations with humility; Discretion and discernment, etc. And loyalty, faithfulness, and prayer are givens.

(Note: In general, women's friendships tend to be more intimate and involve more emotional sharing than men's friendships, and women generally self-disclose more than men, especially in intimate relationships. Some caution should be taken to keep these intimate friendships pure and God-honoring.)

We all need a lot of different kinds of friends, because NO ONE earthly friend can meet all our needs ... except Jesus.

Expecting any one friend to be all things to you isn't fair or wise.

There are at least seven kinds of friends we all need (though not necessarily at the same time).

As you read through these descriptions, ask THREE QUESTIONS:

• Who has been that kind of friend to you?
• Does someone consider YOU this kind of friend?
• Is there a type of friendship you might need to cultivate?
  

The Seven Friendships You Need

Try to intentionally cultivate these kinds of friendships:

1. A LAUGHING Friend — Someone who helps you create fun times.

You might say to her, "I love to be with you. You make me laugh!"

Maybe she's funny. Maybe she's witty. Maybe she has a unique and refreshing way to look at circumstances that makes you giggle or laugh. She enters into your joy.

Joy is a healthy thing, and some friends will lead you to joy easier than others. Sing to the Lord in joy together. Rejoice in Him together. (Proverbs 17:22a; Psalm 5:11)

2. A LOYAL Friend — Someone you can count on!

She's someone who says, "Don't worry, I'll stick with you through this" or "I'll stand by you, no matter what."

You know you are safe with her. You can trust her to be there for you. (It's been said that a good friend is like a good bra—she'll never let you down!)

She might even rush to defend you when you're attacked (or help you trust the Lord in the midst of it).

Proverbs 18:24 says unreliable friends can lead to our ruin, but "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (Yes, we use that in regard to Jesus, but the principle is true for us too.)

3. A LOVING Friend — Someone who truly cares about you and shows it in loving ways.

If her heart could speak to you, it would say, "No matter what, I choose to love you."

She isn't put off by your foibles and failures. She knows you'll make mistakes. She know you might even hurt her. She sees past all that (Proverbs 17:17a) and simply loves you with the love of Christ. She selflessly loves you as Jesus loves her (John 13:34). 

King David and Saul's son Jonathan had a great friendship because Jonathan's love for David was "wonderful"—strong and courageous love (2 Samuel 1:26).

4. A LEARNING Friend — Someone who cares enough to confront you, desiring to help you grow in Christ.

At first, you might feel uncomfortable with such a friend, but with maturity you will treasure her wisdom and discernment.

She says, "I will always speak truth into your life."

She's not afraid to challenge or warn you. But she isn't caustic or harsh. She speaks words of truth in love to help you mature (Ephesians 4:15). She speaks words of hope, grace and truth, and she'll suggest ways you might apply truth (Proverbs 25:11-12).

This is the friend who takes the risk to share what you need to know, but then gives you room to change without pressuring you. The Bible describes this special interaction as "wounds from a friend" and iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:6a, 17).

5. A LISTENING Friend — Someone who listens to your heart, not just your words.

She might say, "I'm not only listening; I really HEAR you."

She's quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19)—carefully weighing any advice—because she wants you to know you're valued and really heard. She wants you to get it all out on the table. She enters into your sorrows.

[In a delightful scripture, Exodus 33:11, we see the Lord speaking to Moses, face to face, "as one speaks to a friend." It was up to Moses to listen. If we would be a friend of God, we need to carefully listen when He speaks to us in the Word—intending to obey.]

Remember that a good "listening" friend is also discreet and confidential.

6. A LEANING Friend — Someone you can "lean into" for practical help and emotional support.

She says, "I'll help you, and if you need me to be strong for you, I'm here!"

She is available to pray for you, serve or minister to you in times of need.

This is where spiritual gifts can play out to encourage our friends (Romans 12:6-8; 1 Corinthians 12:8-10; 1 Peter 4:11).

Not only does your helpful sister-friend love you, she is born for a time of adversity you might face  (Proverbs 17:17). Don't be afraid to ask for her help.

7. A LIFTING Friend — Someone who encourages you and lifts you up. She's your human sparkplug and your  "cheerleader."

She says things like, "I know you can do it" and "I'm in your corner!"

She refreshes you with encouraging counsel (Proverbs 27:9), rejoices with you (Romans 12:15a) when you accomplish great things. She helps you back up when you fall (Ecclesiastes 4:10) and help you find solutions.

What qualities do you treasure in your friends? How do you let them know you appreciate them?

A Few More Tips

• Don't make close friendships with angry, hot-tempered people (Proverbs 22:24-25). Toxic friends poison or sabotage your life ... to deal with them, think: "What would Jesus do?"
• Don't gossip with (or about) friends (Proverbs 16:28).
• Act friendly—good friendships take effort, so study how to be a good friend (Proverbs 18:24a).
• Ask God to help you choose friends wisely (Proverbs 13:20).
• Always forgive your friends (Proverbs 18:19). Remember: the friends we keep the longest are friends who forgave us the most.

The ULTIMATE Friend

Speaking of forgiveness, Jesus is the ultimate Friend, the "Friend of Sinners" (Luke 7:31-34).

• Jesus wants to rejoice with you.
• He is loyal to you and will stick closer than your nearest relative.
• He will always love you unconditionally.
• Jesus is your wise and wonderful counselor.
• You can pray to Him and He listens.
• He wants to encourage and bless you.
• He invests in your life.
• He invites you to trust Him, lean on Him.

Do you know this "Ultimate Friend"?

The Lord wants us to enjoy many kinds of friendships, including His own.

Jesus said to His followers,

"This is my command. Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. ... You are My friends when you do the things I command you" (John 15:12-14, Msg).

It's very clear. The best "Girlfriend Power" begins with God's Love!

Now ... go back and re-read the questions about friendship (before the seven types of friends).

Did you discover some powerful friends you didn't realize you have? Did you discover new ways to be a powerful friend? Do you need to cultivate these friendships? How's your friendship with Jesus going?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

3 Suggestions for the Next Time You Feel Lonely

Becky Harling shares transformational messages, encouraging her audience to think biblically—and she does so with both depth and humor. In this Biblical Thinking UPGRADE, she offers three things to try if you're feeling lonely.

"What if your loneliness wasn’t something to dread but a vehicle for God to use?" Becky said. "What if instead of running from loneliness or hiding from it, you embraced it and ran to God?"

I (Dawn) seldom feel lonely, but when I have, it was tough. I think Becky's suggestions here are realistic and helpful.

Becky continues . . .

In our lives, we bristle against loneliness. We avoid it at all costs.

Yet many of us are experiencing soul weariness because we run from loneliness.

I remember a few years ago, during a heavy season of travel and ministry, I collapsed on my hotel bed and had a rather bizarre thought: “I’m lonely”.

After thinking about that, I almost giggled out loud reflecting, “How on earth can I feel lonely when I’ve been with people non-stop?” That’s when it hit me!

“I’m lonely for God!”

I had been pushing hard, and I needed time to sink into God’s presence and simply be at home with Him. He is my heart’s true home, and I needed the soul refreshment that comes only from enjoying His presence.

The Psalmists who wrote Psalm 84 understood. They penned,“My soul yearns, even faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God” (Psalm 84:2).

In our fast-paced, over-caffeinated, non-stop culture, we need refreshment and renewal.

In order for that to happen, we must embrace our loneliness and recognize it as a divine signal inviting us to our heart’s true home—God. There in His presence we can relax, re-group, rest and simply be loved.

All of this may sound ethereal to you.

How do you experience God’s presence when there’s so much pressure from our society to perform and accomplish? It’s not as difficult as you think.

Here are 3 simple suggestions to get you started.

1. Read a Psalm.

The Psalms are a great place to find connection. These poetic masterpieces help you connect with God.

In addition, the authentic words and feelings of the various Psalmists will help you feel connected to their emotions.

As you hear them crying out—

• “How long God” (Psalm 13:1)
• “Why Lord, do you stand far off?” (Psalm 10:1)
• “Hear me, Lord” (Psalm 17:1a)
• “I love you Lord, my strength” (Psalm 18:1)—

you’ll find yourself whispering, “Me too!”

The Psalms offer empathy to the feelings we experience in our journey with God and help us connect with Him at a deeper level.

2. Recognize the Ache in Your Soul Is Your Call Back to God.

The ache you feel deep in the innermost parts of your soul has been placed there by God Himself. It is a hunger that only He Himself can fill. Nothing else will completely satisfy.

In our culture, we don’t like to feel pain, so we run from pain, hide from pain or numb our pain. The truth is, pain can be a fabulous signal alerting us that something is wrong.

When you feel the pangs of loneliness, rather than turning on Netflix or vegging out in front of an Amazon movie, consider whether you’ve had adequate time soaking in God’s presence.

Set aside some extra time to relax unhurried in His presence. In your time, read a few verses, listen to some worship music, journal your prayers, and ask the Holy Spirit to give you a deeper awareness of God’s presence.

3. Re-connect with Heart Friends.

Not only were our souls created with a hunger for God, they were also created with a thirst for friends.

In Psalm 95, the Psalmist invites others to join him in worship, writing, “Come let us sing for joy to the Lord” (Psalm 95:1).

When my soul is bone weary, I know I need extra time alone in God’s presence; but then I also need my heart-connection friends.

• With these friends we can have a conversation about what God’s teaching us and how we’ve experienced Him in the mundane of everyday life.
• We can share prayer requests and encourage each other in the journey.
• With these heart friends, I experience the presence of God in our fellowship, and I walk away refreshed and uplifted. 

Friend, the next time you feel lonely, read a Psalm out loud, recognize your soul is aching for God, and re-connect with heart friends who understand your spiritual journey.

Don’t run from loneliness or hide from it. Instead, embrace it and then celebrate that loneliness can lead you back to your heart’s true home—God.

Think about the last time you felt lonely. How could these three suggestions have helped you get back on track?

Becky Harling is authentic. Passionate. Funny. She brings a life-transformational message to every audience. Becky has a Biblical Literature degree and is a Certified Speaker, Leadership Coach and Trainer with the John Maxwell Team. She is represented by Outreach Speakers. Her experience as a pastor’s wife, women’s ministry director, breast cancer and childhood sexual abuse survival all bring depth and realism to her message. Becky wrote eight books. Her latest, Who Do You Say that I Am?—an 8-week Bible study/video series—looks at the “I Am” statements of Jesus. Listen Well, Lead Better, written with her husband Steve, releases in February 2020. 

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Engin Akyurt at Pixabay.

11 Facets to Upgrading Our Friendships

I have admired Joanie Shawhan from afar, only getting to know her through Facebook. But I have come to consider her a friend. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she opens our eyes to the different "facets" of the gems in our friendship circle.

"Friends," Joanie says, "are like precious jewels in a treasure chest."

When I (Dawn) think of friends, I too think of precious jewels. The word "precious" means something of great value—not to be treated carelessley. How precious are your friendships?

Joanie continues . . .

Each jewel is different—a different color, a different cut, a different shape. Some jewels are hard while others are soft. Some transparent, others opaque. Some jewels are bold and brash, others muted, softer, less noticeable. Some jewels tolerate harsher climates while others need more temperate conditions.

Jewels reflect light, each one creating a various array of prisms and rainbows.

Each one of us, like jewels, reflects the light of Christ.

The light beaming from one person will not appear the same as the light shining through another, but we all carry the light. Together we reflect Christ.

As I consider my own life, I realize God has brought me the best people—the best of friends.

My friends have:

• brought healing,
• shaped my mindsets,
• and provided godly examples of how to live.

As friends, we complement one another’s gifts.

We love each another despite faults that sometimes seem more glaring than the light we are meant to reflect. But we are friends.

FACETS of Friendship

1. Friends undergird one another with prayer.

My friends prayed me through cancer, chemotherapy and other health issues. They prayed me through the death of loved ones.

Persistent prayer requests remain on their prayer altars.

2. Friends correct one another.

Sometimes I need an attitude adjustment, a course correction, a different perspective. They help me discern life decisions.

My friends know my weaknesses. Their correction is given in love and concern for my welfare.

3. Friends celebrate together.

• We celebrate birthdays, weddings, babies and retirement.
• We celebrated when I overcame cancer. My friends rejoiced with me when I was offered a publishing contract for In Her Shoes: Dancing in the Shadow of Cancer.

With joy, we celebrate our victories and successes.

4. Friends open their homes.

For several years I lived with a family and still, many years later, we share meals together. I have enjoyed countless gatherings, laughter, and family meals in the homes of my friends.

5. Friends encourage one another with kind words.

Life is hard! Many times, I have been discouraged and ready to quit because my dreams required too much effort.

The loving words of a friend spurred me on.

Without the encouragement of friends, I would never have completed my book.

6. Friends serve one another.

Friends brought me meals and helped me clean while I endured chemotherapy.

A few years ago, my friends helped me move. Not a small task! They helped me pack, move, and even haul away my donations. Then they unpacked my kitchen, hung my curtains, and fitted my blinds.

7. Friends forgive each other.

Even the best of friends inadvertently hurt one another.

Forgiveness restores our friendships.

8. Friends believe the best in each other, covering one another’s faults.

My friends keep in confidence what I share with them. They do not gossip.

9. Friends strive to understand one another.

My friends listen to my heart and try to understand me—even when we have differences.

10. Friends share one another’s grief.

I have received the comfort of my friends when I experienced the loss of dear friends and family members.

11. Friends love one another.

We often hear I Corinthians 13 at weddings, but these verses also describe the all-encompassing love we are to have for one another.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV).

The friends God blessed me with were not necessarily the people I would have chosen.

But God always gives His best

and my friends are God’s best.

Like iron sharpens iron, my friends are shaping me into the person God designed me to be, someone who reflects the light of Christ.

“A dear friend will love you no matter what, and a family sticks together through all kinds of trouble” Proverbs 17:17 TPT).

Who are the jewels of friendship in your treasure box? How does each one reflect Christ?

Joanie Shawhan is an ovarian cancer survivor and a registered nurse. She writes articles and encouragement for women undergoing chemotherapy. Publishing credits include Coping with Cancer Magazine, The Upper Room and God Still Meets Needs. She speaks to medical students in the Survivors teaching Students program. Coming soon—In Her Shoes: Dancing in the Shadow of Cancer. You can find more about Joanie at her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of 470906-Pixabay.

Enjoy Your Friendships—Especially at Christmastime!

Kathy Collard Miller is an amazing writer and speaker who focuses on women's hearts—encouraging women to live as Daughters of the King. In this Christmas UPGRADE, Kathy invites us to consider our friendships at Christmastime.

"Do friendships seem more beneficial or challenging? Most likely both," Kathy said.

I (Dawn) can't tell you how many new friendships I've developed during past Christmas seasons, but even more, I've come to appreciate the value of faithful friends who continue to encourage, challenge and motivate me.

Thank you, Kathy, for reminding us to view our friendships from God's perspective!

Kathy continues . . .

Let’s see how we can be more blessed by friendships than frustrated—especially during the holidays.

Friendships are gifts from God.

That may sound very basic, but when we remember God orchestrated every human contact, we can be grateful even when it’s a challenging connection.

When we are tempted to grumble instead, let’s remember the truth about friendships.

1. Friendships are God’s gift.

Sometimes we define “good” as “trouble-free.” We can easily assume God made a mistake or is mean-spirited when He connects us with an “unlovable” person. And certainly God might lead us to limit our availability, but every person has a purpose in our lives and we have God’s purpose in their lives.

Especially at Christmas, there might be a specific talent or perspective you offer few others can offer. Look for that kind of opportunity.

Proverbs 27:17 tells us, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” How appropriate at the stressful time of Christmas.

2. Friendships are an invitation to draw closer to God.

For instance, if boundaries are needed, seek His plan and don’t immediately assume you should cut off the friendship.

I remember a challenging friendship which seemed her fault. I thought of requirements for her behavior which would eliminate my uncertainty.

Suddenly, I saw my plan of not needing to seeking God’s guidance at each challenge.

I released my control and learned to be more loving and kind with God’s power.

I remembered James 1:2: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.”

At Christmas, everyone celebrates differently. That can feel stressful and we might want to withdrawn or control.

God’s power can give us a gracious perspective of honoring others and see how we depend upon God because of it.

3. Friendships are examples to encourage us.

• Is there someone who handles stress better than you by depending upon God? Ask her how she maintains her peace.
• Is there someone who sets up priorities more effectively than you? Ask her about how she makes plans.
• Is there someone who makes Christmas more worshipful? Ask her to share her ideas.

Most of us resist asking for help, but we need to humble ourselves. One humble question can open the door within another person’s heart to ask for help.

4. Friendships aren’t for comparisons.

You may have a friend who decorates amazingly for Christmas and you don’t know how to make those amazing bows. Don’t belittle your lack of designing skills.

Another friend is a fabulous gourmet cook and you can’t seem to remember to take the neck and giblets out of the cavity of the turkey. Don’t apologize every time someone takes a bite of your simple meal.

God never wants you to compare with another. I Corinthians 12:5-6 tells us, “there are varieties of service, … but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone.”

You are uniquely suited for God’s service to others.

Be grateful for the God-given skills He’s given you, even if they seem lacking in comparison.

You have ideas others lack and are impressed by.

Use them for God’s glory.

What friendship challenge is God using to make you more holy or to give you an opportunity to help another?

Kathy Collard Miller is amazed at God’s work in and through her. She has spoken in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. As an author she has over 50 published books and her latest is At the Heart of Friendship: Daughters of the King Bible Study Series (Elk Lake Publishers). She is a wife, mom, grandma, and lay counselor living in Southern California. Discover more about Kathy's ministry at her website. 

Graphic adapted, courtesy of CelebrateWoman at Pixabay.

Connection 101: Girl-friendship Is a Gift

Deb DeArmond cares about relationships—all kinds of relationships. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she offers insight to help us cultivate our friendships with other women.

It’s the test," Deb says, "of any friendship: the vacation without husbands, kids or other friends to cushion the shock of 24 hours together. On the ocean. In a cabin. For seven days."

That sounds heavenly to me (Dawn), but I'm sure there could be challenges. It's important we learn to grow up in our friendships.

Deb continues . . .

It was a bit on the early side of the Alaska cruise season, so Cindy and I landed an incredible upgrade with spacious digs, attentive staff, and a week of total luxury.

Fabulous meals, beautiful ports, and interesting folks on board.

And a lot of togetherness.

Girl-friendships, even for Christians, have often been challenging.

“Am I her favorite? Does she like me best?”

Remember in third grade, when the “new girl” was introduced to the class? We eyed her nervously, concerned she’d replace us in our bestie’s heart. We worked for that position and protected it fiercely. 

Step back, newbie. She’s mine.

We may be adults, but women still compete for that top spot—and the enemy will try to use these relationship needs against us if we’re not careful. 

I’m blessed to say it’s something Cindy and I have not struggled with.

Why not?

She and I are an unlikely twosome. Californians, now living in Texas. Close in age, married 40+ years. Adult kids and grandbabes. But that’s about it.

We’re wired differently, choose different hobbies, and we think differently; our needs and preferences are dissimilar. We’re an odd couple.

But that doesn’t mean we aren’t compatible—we both love God and His Word fiercely.

God created us to need others.

• Read Genesis. Even though God was with Adam from the start, He saw the need and created Eve.
• The disciples numbered twelve, but three—Peter, James, and John—were those Jesus held close in the best and worst of times.
• David and Jonathan.
• Ruth and Naomi.

It’s a biblical pattern. We need relationship.

Cindy and I discussed our friendship on the cruise. That it’s risen to the level of importance it holds in our lives is surprising.

Here was our Alaskan epiphany: we don’t compete. With one another or for one another’s affection, time, and that all-important top spot in one another’s life.

We’re never fearful the other is “cheating” on us with other friends.

We have other friends. Close friends. And we’re grateful for each of them: colleagues, neighbors, quilting buddies, and writing partners.

We don’t see one another as often as we’d like. But we do life together, just not usually in the same place.

We don’t live in one another’s pockets. We can’t. She recently moved three hours away, but the distance has deepened our relationship.

We’re more intentional about staying connected.

So maybe that, too, is a gift. If we need one another—for any reason, day or night—we’re available and fully present.

We’ve confided in one another, knowing it’s “in the vault.”  Trusted. No judgment. A genuine gift from the Lord.

How do we do it? Here are three tips we discovered.

1. We have healthy expectations of one another.

She doesn’t need me to provide what only God can deliver. I’ve not made her the center of my emotional well-being—that’s His job.

Sometimes when women are lonely or need encouragement they turn to their bestie instead of God. Not in addition to God, but instead. If that one gets mixed up, it’s a quick trip to trouble.

2. We rely on one another—for companionship, truth telling when needed, mercy (always needed) and the joy of experiencing life with one who helps to make the other better.

I can count on her to sharpen me, challenge me and pray for me. She depends on me for the same.

3. We are champions for one another.

Because we don’t compete, we can genuinely celebrate the other’s success. Everyone needs a cheerleader!

God expects us to grow up, and that includes our friendships.

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things” (1 Cor. 13:11 NLT).

I’d like to have the energy and youthfulness I had in third grade or the calorie burning ability of days playing hopscotch. But I’ll take grown-up God-given relationships over those schoolyard alliances any day!

Which of those three tips need improving in your own friendships?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Book #2, I Choose You Today, helps couples strengthen their marriages. Deb's newest book on marital conflict, Don't Go to Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight! was co-authored by her husband, Ron. They live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of RawPixel at Pixabay.