Your Marriage: Pulling Apart or Pulling Together?

In this Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson asks married couples to examine their relationships to see if they are healthy and supportive—pulling together or pulling apart.

"When we pull apart in willful self-interest, we impede progress, but when we pull together, we can accomplish much to the glory of God."

One night when I couldn't sleep, I turned on the TV and watched the program Dogs 101 on the Animal Planet channel.

I couldn't stop laughing as I watched one segment about the training of sled dog puppies.

Two adorable pups were gently linked with a rope. They instantly tugged and pulled, trying to get away from each other. They snipped at each other and barked, each trying to get the other to stop being stubborn and go their way.

As a result, they were stuck pretty much in one spot.

But the trainers didn't give up. They kept linking the dogs every day until suddenly, the pups realized if they pulled together, they'd get somewhere. At that point, the pups almost seemed to celebrate, and they were finally enjoying each other's company. They scampered together all over the yard.

They were on their way to becoming successful members of "a sled team."

I thought, "How like a marriage."

We have it in our power to make tremendous progress as "a marriage team" and do great exploits for the Lord when we pull together.

But the opposite is also true. When we are selfish and demand our own way, we hinder what God might want to do through our marriage—and through our spouse.

The sad truth is, when a couple pulls apart, their marriage can easily come apart!

In 2020 amid the lockdowns and restrictions with the COVID-19 pandemic, many couples experienced tremendous stress. For too many, that led to divorce.

According to an article at WebMd, sales of online self-help divorce agreements rose by 34% in the spring of 2020 compared to 2019; and family lawyers surveyed in April and July reported a 25% to 35% increase in requests to start divorce proceedings.

This wasn't just among unbelievers.

The website FamilyLife shared an article by Sabrina Beasley McDonald to its Christian audience about not becoming a coronavirus divorce statistic.

I wondered if the pandemic simply amplified what was already going on in our homes.

Pam Farrel—co-founder of Love-Wise with her husband, Bill, and co-author of Marriage Meet Ups— addressed this problem.

"Many who are seeking divorce say, 'We just drifted apart,'" she said.

"So if we drifted away from one another, we can set a course to drift back together. We can choose to set a course of marital success, intimacy, and unity in love."

Dr. Crawford Loritts, pastor of Fellowship Bible Church in Roswell, Georgia, said there's always a measure of conflict in a marriage. Early on in their relationship, he and his wife had times when they didn't see eye to eye. He admitted they knew there'd be stress, but early on, "we didn't know what to do."

But Crawford and Karen were determined to protect their marriagew. As a result, stress didn't drive them apart; it drove them to their knees—together.

Joni Eareckson Tada wrote about the early days of the pandemic when the "short fuses, bruised feelings, sharp words, and cold shoulders" in her marriage with Ken became "almost commonplace that first week of sheltering in place."

After a while, they grew tired of pulling together. Ken especially was getting weary since he had to constantly care for Joni—which involves a lot!—because her regular caretakers weren't able to come during the lockdown.

But Joni and Ken prioritized their love. They quickly realized they had to "get a grip."

They came to God's Word as a couple and focused on the word "persevering" (James 1:12). They found new strength and decided not to allow the devil to drive a wedge between them.

There is so much that could be written about how to build a marriage relationship. Ministries like Focus on the Family and the Farrels' love-wise.com share great insights.

The main purpose of this post is to invite readers to examine where they might be pulling apart in their marriage—and how they can determine to pull together. I'm not an expert on marriage, but God is! Be sure to seek His wisdom.

Sometimes what creates a "pulling together" marriage is simply the willingness of a couple to regularly take stock of their marriage and make adjustments.  

Helpful Questions, Suggestions, and Scriptures

Q#1. What actions in our marriage show we are being selfish as individuals and not cooperative or sensitive to our spouse's needs?

Be specific about those actions, but share them in a loving way (1 Corinthians 13:6; Ephesians 4:15; 1 John 3:18).

Avoid harsh accusation. When sharing, say, "I feel that ...." rather than "You always/never ....."

Q#2. What words to each other serve to push us away from each other rather than drawing us closer in our relationship?

Make a conscious effort to listen in conversations (Proverbs 12:15; 18:13; 17:28). Be "quick to listen" (James 1:19).

Are you kind and forgiving—offering grace to your partner—or are you using put-downs and playing a blame game? (Proverbs 21:23; Ephesians 4:32; James 1:26)

Do you have unreasonable expectations for your spouse? Are they simply your preferences? How would you know your expectations are reasonable or not? What does God and His Word say about your expectations?

Q#3. How does our level of intimacy (personal/sexual, etc.) reflect that we are pulling apart or pulling together?

Consider the reasons (which are not excuses) for a lack of intimacy or diminished intimacy. (Intimacy may be revealed in verbal expressions; loving gestures; intimate conversations, etc.).

Study God's perspective on sexuality in marriage. The sexual relationship—especially a lack of sexual intimacy—might be an indicator of damaging stress in the relationship.

Don't allow pornography or adultery or any sexual immorality to rob your marriage of godly intimacy (Hebrews 13:4; Matthew 5:28; Proverbs 5:15-19; 1 Corinthians 6:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).

Be willing to discuss sexual issues with your spouse for the health of your marriage—and don't be afraid to discuss it with a Christian counselor, if necessary.

Here's a helpful article with steps to rekindle intimacy.

Q#4. Are we just "getting along," or are we intentionally growing a stronger bond to help us face tough times?

This is just logical. If we do not intentionally put as much effort into marriage as a job, parenting, friendships, hobbies, etc., how can we expect it to be successful?

We marry our partners for their strengths, but sometimes flinch over their weaknesses. God designed marriage to be a greenhouse for growth. Consider how you might help your partner—with his/her permission—grow into maturity in Christ.

A good marriage requires continuing investment—nurture yours daily in many practical ways (serving, encouraging, challenging, giving, etc.). Use your spiritual gift/s in positive and productive  ways.

Q#5. What are our godly rules of engagement for dealing with offenses in our marriage?

Every couple experiences times of confrontation, and attitudes are important. Do you "fight fair"?

How will you know when you've overstepped loving boundaries?

For starters, read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a —as you work through problems, be loving, patient, humble, calm, forgiving, and unselfish. Honor and protect your marriage, and place trust and hope in your partner for the best for your marriage.

Q#6. What tools that God has given us do we regularly use to pull together in our marriage?

Here are some tools for growth: prayer together, reading and discussing scripture together, attending church and/or Bible studies together, and meeting with people in the family of faith who can mentor us or demonstrate a strong marriage.

Q#7. How will we know when our marriage is in trouble... and what will we do?

Take time to discuss your own marriage "stress points."

Discuss and pray about mutual accountability to build up each other and your marriage (Proverbs 27:17; Galatians 6:1-2; Ephesians 4:25; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Decide now when you will call for help so you can better learn how to pull together. What is the trigger for intervention?

Be careful, friend.

No matter how strong you think your marriage is right not, the enemy wants to destroy it.

• Don't take anything for granted.
• Don't assume your partner is on the same page regarding your marriage.
• Work at your marriage every day.
• Spread everything about your marriage before the Lord and ask for wisdom! (James 1:5)

Remember those sled dogs!

Pulling different directions may be comical in pups, but not in marriage partners.

Which of those seven questions struck a chord in your heart? Is there something to begin working on today?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Violetta at Pixabay.