Your Marriage: Pulling Apart or Pulling Together?

In this Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson asks married couples to examine their relationships to see if they are healthy and supportive—pulling together or pulling apart.

"When we pull apart in willful self-interest, we impede progress, but when we pull together, we can accomplish much to the glory of God."

One night when I couldn't sleep, I turned on the TV and watched the program Dogs 101 on the Animal Planet channel.

I couldn't stop laughing as I watched one segment about the training of sled dog puppies.

Two adorable pups were gently linked with a rope. They instantly tugged and pulled, trying to get away from each other. They snipped at each other and barked, each trying to get the other to stop being stubborn and go their way.

As a result, they were stuck pretty much in one spot.

But the trainers didn't give up. They kept linking the dogs every day until suddenly, the pups realized if they pulled together, they'd get somewhere. At that point, the pups almost seemed to celebrate, and they were finally enjoying each other's company. They scampered together all over the yard.

They were on their way to becoming successful members of "a sled team."

I thought, "How like a marriage."

We have it in our power to make tremendous progress as "a marriage team" and do great exploits for the Lord when we pull together.

But the opposite is also true. When we are selfish and demand our own way, we hinder what God might want to do through our marriage—and through our spouse.

The sad truth is, when a couple pulls apart, their marriage can easily come apart!

In 2020 amid the lockdowns and restrictions with the COVID-19 pandemic, many couples experienced tremendous stress. For too many, that led to divorce.

According to an article at WebMd, sales of online self-help divorce agreements rose by 34% in the spring of 2020 compared to 2019; and family lawyers surveyed in April and July reported a 25% to 35% increase in requests to start divorce proceedings.

This wasn't just among unbelievers.

The website FamilyLife shared an article by Sabrina Beasley McDonald to its Christian audience about not becoming a coronavirus divorce statistic.

I wondered if the pandemic simply amplified what was already going on in our homes.

Pam Farrel—co-founder of Love-Wise with her husband, Bill, and co-author of Marriage Meet Ups— addressed this problem.

"Many who are seeking divorce say, 'We just drifted apart,'" she said.

"So if we drifted away from one another, we can set a course to drift back together. We can choose to set a course of marital success, intimacy, and unity in love."

Dr. Crawford Loritts, pastor of Fellowship Bible Church in Roswell, Georgia, said there's always a measure of conflict in a marriage. Early on in their relationship, he and his wife had times when they didn't see eye to eye. He admitted they knew there'd be stress, but early on, "we didn't know what to do."

But Crawford and Karen were determined to protect their marriagew. As a result, stress didn't drive them apart; it drove them to their knees—together.

Joni Eareckson Tada wrote about the early days of the pandemic when the "short fuses, bruised feelings, sharp words, and cold shoulders" in her marriage with Ken became "almost commonplace that first week of sheltering in place."

After a while, they grew tired of pulling together. Ken especially was getting weary since he had to constantly care for Joni—which involves a lot!—because her regular caretakers weren't able to come during the lockdown.

But Joni and Ken prioritized their love. They quickly realized they had to "get a grip."

They came to God's Word as a couple and focused on the word "persevering" (James 1:12). They found new strength and decided not to allow the devil to drive a wedge between them.

There is so much that could be written about how to build a marriage relationship. Ministries like Focus on the Family and the Farrels' love-wise.com share great insights.

The main purpose of this post is to invite readers to examine where they might be pulling apart in their marriage—and how they can determine to pull together. I'm not an expert on marriage, but God is! Be sure to seek His wisdom.

Sometimes what creates a "pulling together" marriage is simply the willingness of a couple to regularly take stock of their marriage and make adjustments.  

Helpful Questions, Suggestions, and Scriptures

Q#1. What actions in our marriage show we are being selfish as individuals and not cooperative or sensitive to our spouse's needs?

Be specific about those actions, but share them in a loving way (1 Corinthians 13:6; Ephesians 4:15; 1 John 3:18).

Avoid harsh accusation. When sharing, say, "I feel that ...." rather than "You always/never ....."

Q#2. What words to each other serve to push us away from each other rather than drawing us closer in our relationship?

Make a conscious effort to listen in conversations (Proverbs 12:15; 18:13; 17:28). Be "quick to listen" (James 1:19).

Are you kind and forgiving—offering grace to your partner—or are you using put-downs and playing a blame game? (Proverbs 21:23; Ephesians 4:32; James 1:26)

Do you have unreasonable expectations for your spouse? Are they simply your preferences? How would you know your expectations are reasonable or not? What does God and His Word say about your expectations?

Q#3. How does our level of intimacy (personal/sexual, etc.) reflect that we are pulling apart or pulling together?

Consider the reasons (which are not excuses) for a lack of intimacy or diminished intimacy. (Intimacy may be revealed in verbal expressions; loving gestures; intimate conversations, etc.).

Study God's perspective on sexuality in marriage. The sexual relationship—especially a lack of sexual intimacy—might be an indicator of damaging stress in the relationship.

Don't allow pornography or adultery or any sexual immorality to rob your marriage of godly intimacy (Hebrews 13:4; Matthew 5:28; Proverbs 5:15-19; 1 Corinthians 6:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).

Be willing to discuss sexual issues with your spouse for the health of your marriage—and don't be afraid to discuss it with a Christian counselor, if necessary.

Here's a helpful article with steps to rekindle intimacy.

Q#4. Are we just "getting along," or are we intentionally growing a stronger bond to help us face tough times?

This is just logical. If we do not intentionally put as much effort into marriage as a job, parenting, friendships, hobbies, etc., how can we expect it to be successful?

We marry our partners for their strengths, but sometimes flinch over their weaknesses. God designed marriage to be a greenhouse for growth. Consider how you might help your partner—with his/her permission—grow into maturity in Christ.

A good marriage requires continuing investment—nurture yours daily in many practical ways (serving, encouraging, challenging, giving, etc.). Use your spiritual gift/s in positive and productive  ways.

Q#5. What are our godly rules of engagement for dealing with offenses in our marriage?

Every couple experiences times of confrontation, and attitudes are important. Do you "fight fair"?

How will you know when you've overstepped loving boundaries?

For starters, read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a —as you work through problems, be loving, patient, humble, calm, forgiving, and unselfish. Honor and protect your marriage, and place trust and hope in your partner for the best for your marriage.

Q#6. What tools that God has given us do we regularly use to pull together in our marriage?

Here are some tools for growth: prayer together, reading and discussing scripture together, attending church and/or Bible studies together, and meeting with people in the family of faith who can mentor us or demonstrate a strong marriage.

Q#7. How will we know when our marriage is in trouble... and what will we do?

Take time to discuss your own marriage "stress points."

Discuss and pray about mutual accountability to build up each other and your marriage (Proverbs 27:17; Galatians 6:1-2; Ephesians 4:25; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Decide now when you will call for help so you can better learn how to pull together. What is the trigger for intervention?

Be careful, friend.

No matter how strong you think your marriage is right not, the enemy wants to destroy it.

• Don't take anything for granted.
• Don't assume your partner is on the same page regarding your marriage.
• Work at your marriage every day.
• Spread everything about your marriage before the Lord and ask for wisdom! (James 1:5)

Remember those sled dogs!

Pulling different directions may be comical in pups, but not in marriage partners.

Which of those seven questions struck a chord in your heart? Is there something to begin working on today?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Violetta at Pixabay.

'Financial Language' - Are You an 'Overcomer'? - Part 3

Janice Thompson addressed three financial tsunamis in her last post (disability, unemployment and identity theft). In this Financial "Overcomer" Upgrade, she discusses divorce, widowhood and significant wealth.

"Regardless of the circumstances that lead up to a dynamic change in your financial life," Janice said, "any of these life-challenging events can thrust you into a place where you must quickly adapt to a new way of dealing with your financial world."

Divorce and widowhood can crush a woman's spirit, but significant wealth—especially when it arrives unexpectedly—can be just as overwhelming. I'm thankful for Janice's helpful insight.

She continues ...

In each of these circumstances, I encourage you to be patient with yourself and the process ahead of you. Remember, "Tsunamis" can be a catalyst to a deeper, richer relationship with God.

1. Divorce

I have yet to see a divorce that doesn't expose raw emotion and inflict unbearable pain on all parties involved. Divorce is often complicated by the fact that finances can be a major reason for the breakup.

While money problems may only be symptomatic of deeper issues, they are clearly among the contributing factors.

I am in no way an advocate of divorce, for it is not God's ideal, but I do understand that divorce happens. It is important that women who find themselves in this situation be proactive in the midst of their pain. They must move forward, making appropriate plans and taking appropriate actions.

It has been said that a woman facing divorce experiences many of the same emotions of a woman who experiences the death of her husband. Add to that the understanding that in many cases she has been rejected, and it is no wonder the psychological, emotional and financial adjustments are overwhelming.

It is imperative that you surround yourself with trusted advisers and legal counsel as you go through this process. There are many important steps to take before the divorce is final that can help you better prepare for being single again.

Let me also encourage you to develop a spirit of forgiveness as you go through this process. It is a critical component not only for your financial well-being, but also for your ability to be truly free to become a whole person again.

2. Widowhood

Adjusting to life after the death of a spouse is an agonizing journey. Widowhood is often met with an intense need for grounding, stability and a sense of normalcy and emotional relief. Widows need emotional support and the reassurance there is life beyond this intense pain!

It is critically important to work toward the development of a long-term plan, stabilizing cash flow and minimizing major spending decisions during the initial months of loss.

If you are newly widowed, I encourage you to postpone major financial decisions until you can think clearly about long-term goals and plans. Surround yourself with people who understand the journey you're on and will be patient with you through the process.

While the level of pain diminishes with time, the passion to honor the memory of a spouse with wise financial decision gives them purpose amidst the pain.

Women who have lost their beloved life-partner don't want anyone to forget the memory of their spouse, so while they may resist being prodded to "move on," they seem to be able to respond to the idea of "moving forward."

3. Significant Wealth

I can still remember the time when my husband and I were having one of our many family financial discussions with our children. The discussion turned to the financial impact "if Daddy died," which in turn led to a conversation about life insurance.

When our eight-year-old daughter, Jamie, found out her father had a substantial amount of life insurance, she jumped up and ran to the kitchen and started calculating some figures. She proudly returned a few minutes later with a budget of how this money would be spent.

• She'd first tithe 10 percent,
• then buy her brother a Lamborghini (David was six at the time!),
• give me $50,000 (thank you, Jamie!)
• and then she outlined the rest of her wish list.

While she had one thing right—making the Lord the first priority—we still laugh about the rest of her perspective. She had a lot to learn about the responsibility of handling significant wealth.

Interestingly, I have since seen grown women initially respond just like my eight-year-old did when they come into sudden or unexpected money!

The sense of responsibility that accompanies an influx of wealth can be intense when the emotion wears off.

Women need to recognize the importance of stabilizing their physical, emotional, spiritual and financial well-being before making major spending decisions.

Since wealth can also intensify the potential for mistrust as you find new friends you didn't know you had, be cautious. Evaluate your inner circle carefully. It is not uncommon to feel stretched and strained by a life-changing circumstance that others might feel would solve all their problems. It can, in fact, feel downright lonely.

No matter your tsunami—disability, unemployment, identity theft, divorce, widowhood, significant wealth, or something else—take a deep breath and begin working on an immediate cash flow plan to ensure day-to-day needs are met. If possible, postpone major spending and investing decisions until you can think clearly.

There is a reason God has allowed this event in your life. Surround yourself with a trusted inner circle who will give you wise counsel and help you develop a strategic plan that incorporates His purpose in all your decisions. And by all means, pray and trust God for peace and direction (Philippians 4:6-7).

Are you going through a tsunami experience right now? How will you seek God for encouragement and wise counsel? He can help you!

In her final "Financial Language" post (August 26), Jan will discuss timeless truths for all Financial Languages.

Janice Thompson is the co-Founder and CEO of One Degree Advisors, Inc., a comprehensive wealth management firm focused on biblically-based financial solutions. Janice is a Certified Financial Planner®, a Life Stewardship Advisor, and serves on the Board of Directors of Kingdom Advisors. She has two married children and one grandson. She and her husband Tom live in San Diego.

Note: Material adapted from the book, Managing Your Money Maze by Janice Thompson (Revive Our Hearts, 2009).

Graphic adapted: Image courtesy of Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net