Parents: Choose to Diffuse the Battle

After I read an excerpt from Cindi McMenamin’s new book on inspiring daughters, I asked her to share some tips on dealing with parenting “battles.”

“Are you tired of living on a battlefield when it comes to raising your children?” Cindi asks. “Does it seem like every time you turn around there's an argument brewing?” 

I [Dawn] recently watched an angry mom struggling with her son's belligerance at Wal-Mart. She mimicked his attitude rather than responding to it. She needed this UPGRADE Your Parenting wisdom!

Cindi continues …

As I was writing my book, When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, I included some practical ways we can choose our battles wisely and also diffuse some battles so we're not constantly in a warzone with our children. 

But I realized recently, that these peace-making principles can apply to ANY relationship. That's probably because our battles can be intensified or diffused altogether based on how we—as wives, moms, and girlfriends—choose to react.

Whether you're going head-to-head with your teenager, husband, difficult family member, or anyone else, these steps can help you bring calm to an otherwise chaotic situation:  

1. Don't Overreact. It's easy for some of us to think the worst and overreact to a situation. To react emotionally, rather than rationally and maturely, tends to escalate a discussion into a battle.

This is where James 1:19 is so appropriate, especially in the heat of the battle:

"But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;  for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."

2. Don't Lose Your Cool.  Our volume and energy level can escalate or eliminate a battle in the making.

After many situations of completely blowing it in this area with my daughter when she was a teenager, I have learned to say a quick prayer in the heat of the moment: "God, help me to respond in a way that will bring about a gentle and loving response from her."

When I put the emotional thermometer in my lap and make it my responsibility, it's amazing how well that will diffuse or eliminate a battle, altogether.  

3. Don't Let Your Pride Get in the Way. If you find you are in a "fighting all the time" phase with a child, spouse, or someone else, it may be that another issue is involved.

I learned early on in my marriage that if I am triggered into an argument or a defensive position, there is likely an issue of pride at stake.

• Unhealthy pride. The kind that says "Who are YOU to talk to ME that way?"
• Pride also says "I am not going to let this person think this way about me."
• Pride can also rear its ugly head when we think: I've had it. I'm not going to take this anymore!

I'm not talking about responding to issues of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. I am talking about discussions or arguments that go sour because our feathers get ruffled and our pride gets hurt.

I'm talking about dying to self and the desire to protect our image at all costs.

It takes a great amount of trust in God to give up our need to defend ourselves and leave our reputation in God's hands. He sees our hearts, He knows our motives, and He can protect our name. After all, if we are following and identifying ourselves with Him, then His name is our name. And He is perfectly capable of taking care of His own.

Can you take one—or all—of these steps today and diffuse a battle that is knocking at your door?

Cindi McMenamin is a national women's conference and retreat speaker and the author of a dozen books, including When Women Walk Alone (more than 120,000 copies sold), When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, and When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, upon which this article is based. For more on her books and ministry, or to download free resources to strengthen your marriage, parenting, or individual walk with God, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic in text: adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

God's Not the Silent Type

Cindi McMenamin wrote a number of books with titles starting with the word “when”—like When Women Walk Alone and When a Woman Overcomes Life's Hurts—but in this special UPGRADE Uplift post, she is asking another question: “Why?”

“Have you ever found yourself wondering,” Cindi says, “Why doesn't God speak to me?”

Be honest... have you ever wondered that? I certainly have. Especially when I was seeking His will concerning a choice I needed to make. It can be frustrating.

Cindi continues …  

I once talked with a friend who wondered what she was doing wrong, because she had never “heard” God’s audible voice or “seen” bright lights indicating a clear direction from God.

But after I talked with her about the way God speaks to His loved ones, she began to recall that God had spoken to her—through the counsel she received in His Word, through circumstances that led her in a certain direction, through godly advice she received from a leader in her church. God had spoken to my friend. But she had never realized it was Him.

Many of us talk to the Lord and just want to hear Him talk back now and then. But sometimes we aren’t sure what to listen for.

In the more than 40 years since I’ve given my life to Jesus Christ, I have never experienced an encounter with Him in which there was an audible voice, a thundering from heaven, a burning bush or a rushing wind. It was usually a still, small voice that gave me an inner peace, a loving rebuke that changed my ways, the written Word of God that pierced my heart or a sense of calling and direction that wouldn’t let me be until I followed.

God speaks in various ways by the Holy Spirit to those in relationship with Him. And in my experience, I would have to say that He has spoken most clearly when I’ve been the most obedient, the most in need of comfort, and for the most part, taking the time to really listen.

Do you long to hear God speaking to you on a regular basis?

Then I recommend these three steps:

• Look to His Word – God communicates through the Scriptures. Sometimes it’s a verse that pierces our hearts as we’re reading. Other times it might be a passage–or a few words from a verse–that comes to our mind in a particular situation. The more we know the Word of God, the more we’ll recognize God’s words of comfort, conviction, peace or guidance.
• Look Around You – Sometimes it may seem like God isn’t there. But He often makes His presence known to us by what we experience on a daily basis. Look for His presence in the circumstances around you–the tender words from a friend that you needed to hear at just the right time, the “coincidence” that confirms what you’d been praying for, the situation at work that turned in your favor. The fact that nothing takes this all-knowing God by surprise affirms to me that He is already working in what you haven’t even handed to Him yet.
• Listen for His Whispers – Sometimes we feel urged to do something and we can’t explain why. Through prayer and discernment, we can figure out if that is God’s whisper on our heart. Sometimes God speaks to us this way through prayer by nudging us to pray for something we wouldn’t otherwise have prayed for. God whispers encouragement. He whispers suggestions for acts of love toward someone in need. He whispers words to say at the proper time to heal another’s heart. When you hear these loving whispers, don't immediately dismiss them as distracting thoughts. Instead, thank Him for what He spoke to you.

There is no sure-fire formula for hearing God speak. He speaks in His own way and in His own time to the hearts that are prepared to hear Him. If we cultivate a heart to hear, we can be sure that His silence is not on account of our not listening.

When is the last time you knew God spoke to you? Is God whispering to your heart today?

BOOK GIVEAWAY! - Leave a comment here, or on theUpgrade Facebook page after the link to Cindi’s article, to be entered into the drawing for her new book, God’s Whispers to a Woman’s Heart.

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and the author of several books including When Women Walk Alone (more than 100,000 copies sold), When a Woman Overcomes Life's Hurts and her newest, God's Whispers to a Woman's Heart. For more on Cindi’s books or ministry or for free resources to help strengthen your soul or marriage, see her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.

How to Inspire Your Daughter

Cindi McMenamin's books address topics for real women in the trenches of life. Her newest book will help moms of daughters.

"A mom starts out as the single most influential voice in her daughter's life," Cindi says, "Until the day her daughter might decide to look elsewhere for a role model."

As I watch my sons' wives raise their daughters, I'm glad to see how they are shaping these three young girls to love and serve God and people. Cindi has some ABC's for influencing daughters (and they work for sons too).

Cindi continues ...

Here are three ways that you can upgrade your influence in your daughter's life and be the one person she looks to, over anyone else, for advice, approval, encouragement and inspiration throughout her growing up years and beyond. 

A - Accept Her for Who She Is. You'd be surprised how many daughters believe they can never measure up to their moms' standards. Not feeling accepted by her mother was the most common wound I encountered as I interviewed young women to talk about their relationships with their moms.

Daughters need to know they are loved for who they are, not what they do.

In most cases where daughters didn't feel accepted, their moms were unaware their daughters saw them as critical and unsupportive. 

You can show acceptance to your daughter by supporting her dreams and ambitions even if they are different from yours. You can also show your love and support by understanding and accepting the ways she is different from you.

For example, you may be tidy and neat, she might not. You might have excelled academically, she might gravitate more toward the arts. Give her leeway to be herself and appreciate and affirm the ways she is unlike you, because those things make her unique.

B - Become Interested in Her World. Our girls will want to be around others who "get" them. We can better understand our daughters by asking them questions and listening to them or, better yet, listening to the music they are listening to.

Become involved in what she is interested in by being the driver (if she can't yet drive) or the greeter (who meets her at the door after she's spent a day or evening out), or the caller (who often asks how she's doing and what she's up to).

Be creative and find a way to take an interest in what she's interested in ... even if it is not something you would've liked when you were her age.

C - Cheer Her On, No Matter What. You and I, as moms, need to be doing all we can to build our daughters up, not tear them down. When I realized the power of encouraging words on my daughter, I began to use them more often when talking to her.  That caused her to listen more, rather than shrink away.

Through the years, I've found that Ephesians 4:29  is an excellent safeguard for how to talk to our daughters in a supportive way:

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Our daughters are hard-wired to want to please their mothers and make them proud. That's why it's important that we affirm their efforts, but also let them know that it's okay to not excel at everything.  Your daughter may still be struggling to figure out what it is she does well and what she wants to pursue in life.

Give her time. Allow her to fail. And be her cheerleader every step of the way. She will want you around if you praise her more than you point out what she's doing wrong.

Which of these steps will YOU focus on in order to upgrade your influence in your daughter's life?

GIVEAWAY: Make a comment today here (or on the Upgrade Facebook page) about how you influence your daughter, and your name will be entered into a drawing for Cindi's new book, When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter. Drawing: 9-30-13.

Cindi McMenamin is a national women's conference and retreat speaker and the author of a dozen books, including When Women Walk Alone (more than 100,000 copies sold), When a Woman inspires Her Husband, and When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, upon which this article is based. For more on her books and ministry, or to download her free article "Suggestions for Mother-Daughter Memory-Making" see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Photo in Text: Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

When You're Feeling Lonely

Meet Cindi McMenamin: Cindi’s books encourage women to dream, to rest and to find purpose in God. She is especially skilled in encouraging women to trust God with their emotions and attitudes. She has some powerful insights for us today:

Do you struggle with loneliness? Whether we are married or not, we can feel loneliness start to creep into our lives and change our attitude if we're not carefully guarding our heart and mind.

One morning as I was struggling with loneliness because of disappointments and unmet expectations in my life, I realized I was in my state of mind because I was believing something about my situation -- or about God - that wasn't true. So, I had to incorporate this principle, from my book, Women on the Edge, into my life to upgrade my attitude. You can upgrade your attitude (and those feelings of loneliness), too, by sorting the facts from the feelings:

In other words, when you focus on the facts (about God’s character and the promises in His Word) and not on what you are feeling, you can immediately upgrade your attitude and get through your day.

• You may be feeling like everyone has abandoned you and you are alone. But the fact is that God has promised that He will never leave you, nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
• You may be feeling hopeless in your situation. But the fact is that God promises He will work all things (even this difficult time of feeling alone) for good to those that love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
• You may be feeling alone in your circumstances, like God is unaware and unconcerned with your pain at the moment. But the fact is that God is aware of what you are feeling at every moment. He has searched you and He knows you. He perceives your thoughts from afar. Before a word is on your tongue, He knows it completely (Psalm 139:1-4).
• You may be feeling it is impossible for God to give you the kind of wisdom you need to deal with situations in your life as a woman, wife or mother, but the fact is God is able to give you the kind of wisdom you need, because James 1:5 says, “if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

In other words, when you focus on the facts (about God’s character and the promises in His Word) and not on what you are feeling, you can immediately upgrade your attitude and get through your day.

Which of these promises from scripture most encourage you when you feel lonely?

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of several books, including Women on the Edge, When a Woman Overcomes Life's Hurts, and When Women Walk Alone.

For more on her books, ministry, and free resources to strengthen your soul, see her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.