Avoid Drama by Choosing Your Friends Wisely

Cindi McMenamin would love to see women display more and more strength as they embrace life-changing truth. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she explains how we can have less drama and more soul-strength by choosing friends carefully.

She asks, "Do you find there’s much drama in your life? If so, it may have to do with your choice of friends."  

I (Dawn) know this is true. Today I have different "levels" of friendships—intimate, ministry-based, casual, and sad to say, "guarded." Friends are truly a blessing, but we still need to pray carefully about the people we invite into our hearts.

Cindi continues . . .

Christian women often get the idea that they must be friends with everyone. Yet the Bible tells us,

“The righteous choose their friends carefully” (Proverbs 12:26, NIV).

Sometimes you and I don’t actually choose our friends—they just find us and before we know it, we’re hanging out with someone who is either helpful or a hindrance. But if you and I want to dial down the drama in our lives, it would be wise to take inventory of our friendships.

As I was writing my book, Drama Free, I included a list of the five types of friends you and I need in our lives. As you read through this list (which is not in any particular order), you might want to take mental note of the kinds of friends you currently HAVE to get an idea of how balanced you are.

You might also use this list as a guide to praying about the friendships you might STILL need.

1. The Fun Friend

Let’s admit it. We all need someone who is fun to be with, who makes us laugh, who encourages us to set the work aside, have some fun, live a little.

You and I can’t spend every waking moment with this friend because if we did, we’d never get anything done. But if you have a friend who can balance the fun with responsibility and maturity, and encourage you to let go of work now and then and not take yourself so seriously, you have found a treasure.

Who encourages you to not take yourself so seriously?

2. The Firm Friend

I’m not talking about the woman who is constantly working out and has considerably less body fat than the rest of us. Although you and I need her too (we’ll get to her later), we need a friend who will firmly tell us what we need to hear, not just what we want to hear.

While your fun friend may encourage you to laugh it off or live for the moment, your firm friend will often remind you of what’s best for you, even if it isn’t fun or even comfortable. She does this because of her love for you and her ability to see beyond the moment to what really matters.

And if she’s able to be firm with a generous dose of grace and love, hold onto her. She is a rare gift.

Who tells you what you need to hear instead of just what you want to hear?

3. The forward-moving friend

You’ve seen her. You probably even admire her (or maybe you can’t stand her because she has it all together!).

She gets excited about New Year’s resolutions and seeks out people to join her in them each January. She talks about what she’s reading, what she’s learning in her Bible study, or the latest class she’s taking to explore something new.

Do you have someone to challenge you to be more healthy, read more books, think more deeply, hone your skills?

We all need to keep moving forward personally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Who challenges you to move beyond where you are right now? 

4. The Faithful Friend

Every woman needs a friend who will be there through thick and thin. Through the dark days, through the sick days, through the days you are having difficulty and just need someone to understand.

Not only is the faithful friend always there, but she’s loyal—meaning she would never talk behind your back or re-evaluate the friendship if she thinks she’s giving more than you are.

A faithful friend doesn’t keep track of how many times she has called you vs. how many times you take the initiative to call her.

She will pick up with you wherever the two of you left off.

The opposite of the faithful friend is the gossip or critic. Proverbs 16:28 says “a whisperer separates close friends.” Your faithful friend is the one who will never be whispering to others about you.

Who can you always depend on, regardless of season or schedule?

5. The “Faith-filled” Friend

Do you tend to be a worrier? Do you stress out when a situation seems out of control? If you hang around others who do the same, you will fuel each other’s fire of fear and doubt.

That’s why every woman needs a faith-filled friend who doesn’t worry or talk about the “what ifs,” but trusts in the Lord and helps fill up others with her faith.

When your concerns cross the line into worry, doubt, and fear, that’s when you need your faith-filled friend to remind you Who is ultimately in control. 

If you have at least one friend in each category above (or all the categories are covered by the few friends you have), you are rich beyond measure.

And if there’s a friend on that list that you don’t yet have, you know what to look for—and the kind of friend to be as well.

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the author of fifteen books, including her newest, Drama Free: Finding Peace When Emotions Overwhelm You, upon which this post is based.  For more on her ministry, discounts on her books, or free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.                        

All Graphics adapted, courtesy of Pixabay, except for the Faith-filled friend graphic, courtesy of Lightstock.

Three Ways to Dial Down Drama in Your Life

Cindi McMenamin is all about strengthening people, whether it's in their walk with the Lord, their personal relationships, or their inner soul strength. In this Attitude UPGRADE, Cindi helps us focus on dialing down the drama so we can experience more freedom.

“There are,” Cindi says, “two types of drama: the drama that life brings—and God allows—and the drama we create by how we respond to life.”

I (Dawn) have never been much of a "Drama Queen" type... in public. But in my heart, that's another story. The Lord knows if we are truly drama free.

Cindi continues . . .

Whether our drama is the petty stuff (like being gossiped about or having a bad day) or the truly painful stuff (like dealing with a diagnosis or losing someone we love), how we respond makes all the difference—or all the drama—in the world.

• How do you respond if someone addresses you insensitively or is downright rude?
• What do you do when you read a Facebook post that upsets you?
• What is your response when you find yourself being falsely accused in a text or voice message or directly to your face?

Here are three steps to take to keep your emotions in check:

1. Take a breather.

In the heat of the moment, take time to step back, take a deep breath, and reevaluate. This will keep your emotions in check and keep you from flying off at someone.

You’ve heard the expression “sleep on it” when you’re faced with making a difficult decision. That’s great advice when it comes to responding to an accusatory email, an angry phone call, or a social media post that ruffled your feathers. Studies show that the brain actually processes situations more thoroughly while you sleep so that means you wake up with a fresh – and often less emotional – perspective.

If you’re in a face-to-face encounter, ask to be excused for a few moments to breathe deeply (and therefore lower your heart rate), and collect your thoughts so you can think and respond more clearly.

Take a breather, get some perspective, and let the extra time cool the heat of your emotions. 

2. Take a personal inventory.

In every situation there is a lesson to be learned. And in every accusation there is a seed of truth.

A drama-filled woman says, “I must defend myself. I must clear my name. I must straighten this person out.”

But a Spirit-filled woman lets God work in her heart by exposing to her any shred of truth in the accusation or any lesson she needs to learn for the molding of her character.

It’s easy for us to want to be loud and proud and prove our point in the heat of the moment. But when we step out of the battle and ask God to speak truth to our hearts, we are acknowledging that we make mistakes too, and we are willing to learn from the situation how to better respond next time.

This is a way of living out our instructions in James 4:10: “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

3. Take it to God.

I have found that when I am plagued by a situation that could cause drama, it is diffused when I take it to God and sit there with Him in it for awhile. As I ask Him to help me see the situation more clearly, not only does He show me my part in it, but He also gives me wisdom to know how to respond next.

And sometimes, we find a matter isn’t worth pursuing further after we’ve set it at God’s feet.

Also, as we pray about it, God fills our heart with the peace of His presence (Philippians 4:6-7) and we find the drama isn’t so overwhelming after all.

When we take a breather, take a personal inventory, and take it to God we are allowing Him to draw us closer to Himself through the drama so we can emerge from the conflict more Christlike.

Which of these steps do you most need to practice so you can be drama free?  

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the author of fifteen books, including her newest releasing this month, Drama Free: Finding Peace When Emotions Overwhelm You, upon which this post is based. For more on her ministry, discounts on her books, or free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Vector4Free.

3 Ways Worry Hurts Your Kids

Cindi McMenamin is a wise woman with a heart for women and families. In this Parenting UPGRADE, she asks us to examine how our worrying might not just be our own problem.

“It’s natural for a mom to worry that her children will be hurt," Cindi says, "but do you and I ever consider how we might be hurting our children by worrying about them?”

Whenever I (Dawn) see a mom in a worried state, I watch her children. It's so apparent how a mom's worries and fears affect little ones!

Cindi continues . . .

Take a look at what worry does to us, and ultimately, to our children:

1. Worry Stresses Us Out - Which Stresses Out Our Kids

Worry causes stress—and stress kills. Literally.

Stress not only impacts a woman's health, appearance, relationships, and overall quality of life, stress prematurely ages us. Worry is also linked to ulcers and other health problems.

So when you are worrying and stressed out, you are stressing out your children, as well.

By choosing not to worry, you are investing in your health, which is a gift to yourself and your family.

2. Worry Pushes Our Children Away.

One of the reasons children grow up and stop telling their parents what is going on in their lives is because they “don’t want mom to worry.”

When I was writing my book, When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, I asked daughters, ages 12-40, about their relationships with their moms. Through their answers, I discovered that most daughters, regardless of their ages, said their moms worried about them too much.

They knew mom cared for them, but it concerned them, and at times annoyed them, that their mothers worried so much.

By choosing not to worry, you are investing in your relationship with your children and keeping the channels of communication open with them, regardless of their ages.  

3. Worry Models Mistrust to Our Children.

Worry says to our children and others: "God can't work this out." Therefore, worry is the sin of having no confidence in God.

I know that you, like me, aren’t consciously thinking those words when you worry. But I also know you don’t want to display that type of mistrust to your children.

How we live will, to a great degree, impact how our children live. What we worry about, they will tend to worry about.

On the flip side of that, where we put our trust will greatly impact how they will choose to handle situations in life, too.

Even if they don't imitate your faith or degree of trust, they will know on Whom you rely (or don’t rely) and it speaks louder to them than any lecture. 

The choices we make—including whether we decide to worry or trust God—will no doubt influence our children's choices well into their adulthood.

We tend to think that how much we worry is an indication of how much we love our children. But it is actually an indication of how little we know God. Because the more we get to know God as the all-knowing, all-loving, Perfect Parent, the more easily we will trust Him with what is most important to us and experience peace, no matter what happens.

God gave us a formula in His Word to help us stop the worry:

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7, NLT).

The very next verse tells us how to stop the worrying, so we can experience that kind of peace that comes through praying about everything:

"… Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise" (verse 8).

There it is.

• Think about what is true, not what “might happen.”
• Focus on the facts of the situation, not your fears.
• Think on God’s character—that which is honorable and pure and lovely and admirable—and what He can do, not the worst possible scenario.

As you focus on God’s goodness, God’s love, and God’s ability to control all that you cannot, there is no room in your mind for fear or worry.

Trust God with your children. He can control all you think you must and all you are convinced you can’t. And He knows exactly what He’s doing in your child’s life – and yours.

What will you start doing today to stop worrying about your children and start trusting God with them?

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and popular author who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the author of several books, including When Women Walk Alone (more than 125,000 copies sold), When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter,  and her  newest book, 10 Secrets to Becoming a Worry-Free Mom, upon which this post is based.  For more on her ministry, discounts on her books, or free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesty of stocksnap.io.

Struggling? 5 Things God Won't Say to You

Cindi McMenamin has tremendous insight into women's needs and struggles, and she writes to encourage and strengthen them. In this Relationship with God UPGRADE, Cindi writes about what God will never say to the hurting, confused or frustrated heart.

She asks, "Are you struggling right now? Wanting to hear from God? Hoping that when you finally do, it will be something encouraging?"

As a matter of fact, as I (Dawn) received Cindi's article, I was hoping for that. I was eager for an answer "right now"—but God nudged me to pause and think biblically. That's exactly what Cindi is helping us do here.

Cindi continues . . .

There are a few situations in my life right now that could really stress me out. My husband is waiting to hear about three different job opportunities, and to be honest, he needs at least two of the three!

Now, I can pull out my hair, and lose sleep at night, and keep calculating what we'll do if he doesn't get any of those jobs. Or, I can realize it is ludicrous for me to worry that God isn't aware, or doesn't care, or won't provide for us in time.

I choose to not be ludicrous.

So I thought of five good reasons not to worry about that or anything we tend to worry about. Those five good reasons come down to five things you and I will never hear God say as we hand Him our worries and concerns.

So here they are. You never have to fear any of these responses when you trust God with what is on your heart.

1. You've got this yourself.

Instead of putting it back on us, God tells us in Exodus 14:14: "I will fight for you; you need only to be still."

2. I really don't want to hear about it.

To the contrary, God wants a relationship with us in which we tell Him all that is on our hearts and minds. Not because He doesn't know, but because He wants the intimacy that develops as we share our hearts with Him. Intimacy is developed through communication.

We are told in Psalm 62:8, "Trust in Him at all times...pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

3. You don't need Me. 

Even if we think God has abandoned us because we've acted independently before, God knows better than we do how very much we DO need Him.

In Philippians 4:13, we are told we we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. The key is Christ's strength.

So don't worry about Him thinking you don't need Him.

Even when you THINK you don't, you really do.

4. Sorry, it's impossible.

Jesus, Himself, said in Matthew 19:26: "With God all things are possible."

5. I don't want to do anything for you.

Sometimes we don't tell God what worries us, or even ask for something, because we fear He doesn't want to give us anything.

If you're a parent you know how far from the truth that is.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:11: "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"

There you have it.

Does God care? Oh yes.

Can He handle it? You bet.

Give to Him all that is worrying you today and experience the wonder of His peace.

What is it that you are struggling with alone that God is waiting to help you with?  

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 15 books including When God Sees Your Tears, and her most recent, 10 Secrets to Becoming a Worry-Free Mom.  For more on her books and ministry, or to download free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website, Strength for the Soul. 

Rely on God through Your Child's Difficult Phase

Cindi McMenamin is committed to helping women find strength for the soul. In this Parenting UPGRADE, she reminds us God can strengthen us during our children's toughest "phases."

“Most of our children’s difficult phases are temporary," Cindi says, "but how we choose to handle them can have more lasting impact.”

I think I (Dawn) was one of those blessed moms. I don't remember a difficult phase in my sons' lives. They were relatively "easy." But as I watched some of my friends' struggles with their kids, I also  observed how much they called out to God for help to "get through" those days. Wise words here from Cindi.

She continues  . . .

Most of the things we worry about come down to a phase our kids are going through. A phase that eventually ends and then our kids seem normal again.

As I wrote my book, 10 Secrets to Becoming a Worry-Free Mom,  I interviewed moms of children going through the “questioning” stage, the “testing” stage, and the “lack of motivation” stage, to name just a few.

In some cases the phase lasted only a few months. In most cases, it lasted about a year. But in every case I've seen or heard about, it was a limited time – a short season of a child’s life.

One mom summed it up like this:  

“Every phase my kids went through, whether good or bad, seemed to change over time. I spent a lot of time worrying about something that wasn’t even an issue a year later.”

• Worry negatively affects our health.
• Worry damages our relationship with our children by making them not want to tell us what is going on in their lives.
• And worry models to our children a lack of trust in God.

So there has to be another way to deal with their difficult phases.

Philippians 4:6 commands us:

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus" (NLT).

Here are some practical ways to keep this command to not worry—and keep your sanity—when your child is going through a difficult stage:   

1. Learn to Respond, Rather Than React.

When we react, rather than respond to our children’s behavior, it can escalate a situation between a parent and child, especially if you are reacting emotionally to something you don't understand (like your child's choice of dress or unusual request).

Instead of reacting to something your child might say from a bad attitude or an irrational thought, respond by calmly saying "Tell me more about that.”

2. Learn to Laugh.

It helps to have a sense of humor.  

See the “stage” as something to look back and laugh about later.

3. Learn to Count it Out.

One mom told me she "counts to ten" in every situation where she's tempted to blow.

Being patient by taking a deep breath and counting makes sure we are not as impulsive and emotional in our responses, as our children are in their actions.

4. Learn from Moms Who Have Been There.

God many times speaks to us through the wisdom of others. Talk to godly moms who are facing the same things with their kids and can offer sound biblical insight.

If you don't have a group of moms around you who can give you biblical advice, find a Moms in Prayer group at your children’s school or find a moms group at your local church.

5. Lean on God and His Word.

In Psalm 16:8, David said:

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."

Life’s circumstances can shake us. Our children’s constant changes can take us by surprise and rattle us. But you can have the kind of confidence David had when he said “I will not be shaken.”

As you lean on God, who never changes, and His Word, which is rock solid, you can stand firmly and be a steady, immovable force in your child's life no matter what he or she is going through and no matter what changes are swirling around you.

Which step will you take to keep from worrying during your child’s difficult phase?

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the author of 15 books, including When Women Walk Alone (more than 125,000 copies sold), When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, and her newest book, 10 Secrets to Becoming a Worry-Free Mom.  For more on her ministry, books, or free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Idahoeditor_Morguefile.