To Tell the Truth

Deb DeArmond loves to build strong relationships, especially marriage relationshps. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she reminds us how "truth" can strengthen and empower any relationship.

“It’s not always easy to tell the truth," Deb says. "The truth can sting, bruise or even break a heart. And we may worry about the impact it will have on someone we deeply love ... like our spouse.”

This is something I (Dawn) have debated with many people. Truth must always win out, but there's a way to be honest that will honor God.

Deb continues . . .

July 7 is National Tell the Truth Day. I’m sure God expects it to happen more often than just one day each year. And He has a lot to say on the matter of truthfulness—how to do it, why to do it, and the price of failing to do it. 

Telling the truth is a lesson we learned early in life. Mama and Daddy, the Sunday school teacher and every adult we knew reminded us of the importance of truth-telling.

And children are often known for telling the whole truth—sometimes to the chagrin of their parents, who hadn’t counted on a personal family moment being shared with the pastor or the next-door neighbor!

As adults, however, the truth can feel more complicated.

• “Oh, it’s okay. It’s no big deal.” (He has no idea how it hurt me. Again.)
• “What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.” (Maybe someone else will tell her.)
• “I’ll just let it go.” (It’s not worth the effort or thought required.)
• “Sure. That’s fine with me.” (Forget it. She won’t listen anyway.)

It’s easy to convince ourselves that it would be too uncomfortable for the other person to hear the truth.

More likely, we’re the ones who aren’t comfortable. We may be unsure the relationship is strong enough to withstand honesty. Experience might suggest the truth is not welcome or perhaps it’s has been used as a battering ram in the past.

No wonder we simply let ourselves off the hook—even with our husband or wife. It’s easier.

The Word is clear about the truth:

“But speaking the truth in love, you may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ” (Eph. 4:15 NKJV).

And there’s the rub. The truth is to be spoken, no question about that. But it’s always to be done in love.

Without love, it’s just a set of facts, information, data. And data often fails to inspire, encourage, motivate, or move the heart to understanding. And what’s a marriage with out understanding?

In the research for our book on marital conflict, we discovered that many couples have surrendered—no longer telling one another the truth. They’d rather live what was described as “living compatibly” than to trouble the waters in what they feared would be conflict they couldn’t contain.

Conflict isn’t the problem. It’s how we handle conflict that determines whether the end result is discovery or damage.

We often regard confrontation as aggressive. It doesn’t have to be.

Confronting one another in love restores connection. It says, “I love you enough to fight along side you for our marriage.” Your marriage has an enemy, but it’s not your spouse.

Just because there’s quiet in the house doesn’t mean there’s peace. God wants so much more for our marriages and our lives.

So why not make a fresh commitment to the truth today—with yourself and your spouse. No fudging on facts. No little white lies.

Love will make the way.

What truth is overdue today? How can you wrap it in love?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her books provide tools, tips and biblical perspective to build sound relationships within marriage, as parents, and extended family-including mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Deb and her husband of 41 years, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb and her books visit her "Family Matters" site.

Making Family Moments Count

Deb DeArmond's passion is family relationships. In this Family UPGRADE, she reminds us how quickly time passes—it's time to capture some memories now!

"The month of May includes a day set aside to recognize the “cutters and pasters” among us," Deb says. "'National Scrapbooking Day' is an annual celebration to draw attention to what’s become a popular hobby and a beautiful way to memorialize life’s special occasions."

With the best of intentions, I (Dawn) have boxes of photos separated out by families, but I have yet to actually get them "scrapbooked." Deb's words encourage me ... memories are more than those on a page.

Deb continues . . .

Long ago I was a scrapbooker.

I wasn’t driven by the desire to capture my sons' third grade photos or their Little League glory days. I didn’t even begin until they were adults. Grown men.

I started late because I’d been too busy when the boys were posing for gap-toothed school pictures—we had little photographic evidence of their young lives.

Many of my friends were creating perfect “mom monuments” for every event, activity and celebration. I felt inadequate as a mother.

It’s not that I didn’t care. My husband and I lived the “sandwich generation” life. Born to parents in their forties, we raised children and cared for aging parents simultaneously. My days might include a kid’s orthodontist appointment and a hip specialist for dad. Moments for cut and paste were non-existent.

But life shifted when my parents were gone. Time opened up.

I began chronicling special events going forward. I captured birthdays and engagement celebrations. I selected wedding photos to combine with embellishments and beautiful paper for backgrounds. Each required focused attention. And lots of time.

Then life seemed to speed up and time was once again in short supply. Grandbabies came at dizzying rates, six total—with the youngest four born in a two-year span.

So I upgraded my efforts.

I turned to online scrapbooking – less hands on, less time intensive, but still beautiful books, now in hardback volumes.

The annual DeArmond Year in Review became a treasured gift for each of us. Our family. Proudly captured. I felt validated as I displayed them on my bookshelves. We pulled them out often and reminisced as we looked back on our ever-growing family.

Then life shifted once more. God tapped on my heart, asking me to write books of a different type - authoring Christ-centered books about family and marriage relationships. I never saw it coming. And with it’s arrival, extra time departed, along with time for scrapbooking.

Then – a treasure.

A photo taken at our 40^th wedding anniversary celebration. Eight adults, six grandboys. Everyone’s smiling, all eyes are open. No babies are crying, drooling or picking the nose of a child nearby.

Perfect.

Is it displayed in a beautiful frame? Nope. It’s on my phone. It’s with me always, and sealed in my heart. I’m okay with that.

I love the Psalmist’s declaration: “Your testimonies are my heritage forever, for they are the joy of my heart,” Psalm 119:11 (ESV).

Their testimonies, not my photos or scrapbooks, but the memories my kids carry on to their children and their children’s children.

A Few Tips for Making Memories:

1. Gather the tribe.

• Schedule a monthly supper or brunch. No guilt for those not present.
• Pop some corn and view home movies or photos together. Creates great trips down memory lane.
• Day trips, vacations, concerts in the park with food truck dining - all great get-togethers.

2. Be creative.

• Create a family Facebook page (open only to invitees) to share pictures and updates.
• FaceTime with your far-away kids often, so the grandbabes know your face and voice.

How can you make memories that last a lifetime – and beyond?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between moms and the girls who marry their sons, and her new book, I Choose You Today, helps couples strengthen their marriages. Deb and her husband, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, image courtesy of PubliKado, at pixabay.

Margin for Error

Deborah DeArmond writes, from experience, about the ups and downs in relationships. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she reminds us to treat each other with exceptional grace.

“Marriage settles over the years. Kind of like the sugar in the bottom of the tea glass,” Deb says. “It's still there and just as sweet as it's always been. But unless we stir it up a bit, we lose some of the flavor.”

I (Dawn) love this picture of sugar in tea, especially as it applies to marriage. The Bible tells us to “stir up” each other to love and good works (Hebrews 10:24), and marriage is certainly a place where this is true. But it all begins with true fellowship and grace.

Deb continues . . .

My husband and I recently completed what may be the most significant collaboration of our marriage, with the exception of producing our sons. We’ve written a book together. Two heads, two hearts, but only one set of hands on the keyboards. It’s only practical.

The topic? Marital conflict. And I assure you we’ve personally tested every idea in the book. We did it while writing the book.

We’re incredibly qualified to author this work; we’ve been disagreeing for years. Forty-plus, to be exact. We’re both strongly opinioned, and not hesitant to share our thoughts—intensely, at times. But at least neither can say, “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

Those intense moments of fellowship, however, have not dimmed the intensity of our love. It’s as fierce as it’s ever been.

Recently, however, during one of those “he said, she said” conversations, I stopped to consider whether it was time to cut one another a break.

The issue was insignificant, a matter of principle. Or so I thought. The Lord encouraged me to examine which “principle” had placed me on my high horse. “Was it love?” His Spirit inquired. “Patience? Selflessness or humility?

Um. No. It was the I’m right, I know I’m right, so just admit it, principle. It’s not in the love chapter. Or the Beatitudes. Or anywhere biblical.  I looked. Ugh.

Then God threw me a lifeline.

“Create a margin of error for one another.”

What does that mean? Isn’t it a financial term? Math is my third language, so I looked it up. Here’s the definition:

Margin for error:

1. An extra amount of something, such as time or money, which you allow because there might be a mistake in your calculations.
2. A small amount that is allowed for in case of miscalculation or change of circumstances.

 An extra amount of something? Like humility, patience or love, perhaps? Or what about mercy?

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy" (Matthew 5:7)

In case of a change of circumstances? Isn’t that our address these days? At the corner of empty nest and why don’t you listen to me anymore? 

So how do we fix it?

How do we inject kindness, patience, and mercy into our interactions?

Create a margin for error.

• Accept there is a possibility: you said it and I didn't hear you.
• Abdicate the need to be right; send the high horse out to pasture.
• Create a margin of extra love to smooth the path.

Some tips to create that margin.

1. Face-to-face communication. Ditch the drive by interaction with ten assorted and unrelated topics on your way out the door or while he’s watching football. Eye contact makes a difference.

2. Write it down. I’m a list maker. If it’s on the list, it gets done. Science confirms our recall is better if we use both head and hand. We get it.

Plus there’s a written record in the event you need evidence in court, “I’m sorry, your honor, I had to put him in time out. Dry cleaning was definitely on his list!”

3. Check for understanding. Confirm you both heard and understood the details in the same way.

“We’re leaving for the airport by 4:30 pm, right? You’re comfortable with that?”

4. Let. It. Go. It’s not my gift.

Ron once said to me, “It’s not enough that I eventually just agree with you. You want me to believe you are right!” Why is that a problem? I mean, I was right, right? So he should acknowledge it. Don’t you agree?

And then I hear the Holy Spirit, tapping His toe. I got it.

Another definition defines margin as a place of safety or something that makes a particular thing possible. Like loving one another, fiercely, all the days the good Lord gives us with fewer bumps and scrapes. Or scraps.

Which of the tips for creating margin would help your relationship today?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between moms and the girls who marry their sons, and her new book, I Choose You Today, helps couples strengthen their marriages. Deb and her husband, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Grandparenting with G-R-A-C-E

In this Relationship UPGRADE, Deb DeArmond offers encouragement to grandparents who must deal with their children’s divorce and the own desire to build an ongoing legacy with their grandchildren.

“When the family divides, grandparents may find themselves excluded,” Deb said. “How to manage? It may not be easy, but it is simple. Face it with G-R-A-C-E!”

Grandparenting can be a rewarding experience, but I (Dawn) know many difficulties can arise when divorce is involved. It helps to have some solid strategies to build relationships with the grandkids.

Deb continues . . .

“It’s in the wee hours when my defenses are down, that my heart breaks all over again,” Sandy says explaining to friends how the absence of her grandson, Charlie, affects her. “Being without him is tough, to say the least.”

A strained relationship following her son’s divorce led to her daughter-in-law’s decision to keep Charlie from Sandy and her husband.

Unfortunately, their story is familiar for grandparents everywhere.

When the family divides, grandparents find themselves excluded, praying for a few sweet moments with a much-loved grandchild.

Divorce can create disruption in the relationship. But other issues may factor in: 

• A rebellious or prodigal child may punish his parents by withholding the grandchildren.
• A strained relationship between you and your child’s spouse can be an issue.
• The stress of seeing your grandchildren raised in an environment you find unsafe, unhealthy or chaotic can be difficult. Your comments may put you on the “no visit” list.
• Grandchildren are sometimes used to extract something of value from the grandparents in exchange for time together.

Children are busy today. School, church, sports and other activities keep them on-the-go. There may be little time for grandparent visits.

So what are grandparents to do? Face it with G-R-A-C-E.

G - Give it to God.

Focus on calming thoughts and let go of what you can’t control. Search out and write down “God replacements” – thoughts and scripture that reassure.

1 Peter 5:7 is a great place to start.

“Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you” (NKJV).

God knows the hurt of rejection. Seek His comfort by giving hurts to Him.

R - Recharge yourself.

Sorrow can bring loneliness, grief, even depression to “forgotten” grandparents. “I had to learn to live a new normal,” Sandy remarked.

Exercise, good nutrition, and patience help to recharge emotional batteries. Choose activities that restore you spiritually.

Friends who’d had similar experiences brought comfort and insight to Sandy. “They helped me understand that peace and joy in life is still possible, even if you don’t get to see a beloved grandchild for many years.” 

A - Adjust your expectations.  

Our adult children have families, careers and responsibilities. We become guests (hopefully, honored guests) in their lives.

Your grandchildren may be raised differently than the way you raised your own.

Different is not always wrong; it’s just different. If you measure their parenting using yourself as ruler, they’ll always come up short. Raising kids is tough duty. Pray for your grandchildren and their parents.

We play second fiddle in this band, but the music can still be sweet.

C - Communicate!

Do it often and without judgment. Call frequently. Send notes, cards, and photographs. Keep at it, even if they go unanswered. Do what you can and let God manage the results.

Don’t put grandkids in an awkward position by asking about mommy and daddy or blaming their parents for missing time together. Keep adult issues between adults.

E - Educate yourself.

Paper and pen may be your preference, but computers, texting, and social media are tops with today’s kids. My 83 year-old mother-in-law is computer savvy and active on Facebook. She knows what’s going on in the life of her kids, grandkids, and great grands by following their activity. She knows their prayer needs as she’s part of their everyday lives.

It may not be easy, but it is simple. So . . . what’s your first step to face it with G-R-A-C-E?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the 

relationships within families in general. Her most recent book, I 

Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last, reveals the power 

of choice to create the marriage you desire. Her first book, Related by 

Chance, Family by Choice, explores tools and tips to building sound 

relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Deb and 

her husband, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, 

visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Use Your Words

In her books, Deb DeArmond explores relationships—what strengthens them and what breaks them down. In this Attitude/Relationship UPGRADE, she asks us to consider the power of what we say and how we say it.

“If you’re upset or need something, don’t whine or complain,” Deb says. “Use your words.”

Words. Like most writers, I (Dawn) love them. And I agree with Deb's assessment about their power in relationships.

Deb continues . . .

I raised three sons in a busy household. A kindergartner, a toddler and a newborn in one thousand square feet. It could be the best gig ever on good days and unbelievably defeating on bad ones. Missed naps could create crabby kids. Meltdowns were rare, but an empty peanut butter jar or a lost toy could push even the best behaved into tantrum territory.

Little has changed. Kids are the same today.

“Use your words,” is a phrase I hear directed at young ones with a cranky complaint delivered via non-verbal communication. Pouting, sulking, whining and crying seem to be among the favorite methods to express dissatisfaction with life in the moment.

I’m embarrassed to admit I avoid young families in the grocery store checkout line. It’s that “impulse” aisle—those candy and chewing gum infused shelves right at eye level for kids. It’s the perfect storm; a melee in the making.

I recently watched a sweet mom at church remind her three year old to “use your words if you want me to listen to you.” It made me wonder, does God ever feel that way about me?

Perhaps like you, I have my moments. Times I’ve needed a nap, or a meal or maybe a chill pill—times when my communication devolves to the toddler-toned whine or the full-blown tantrum. “I’m tired” or “I was upset,” are the excuses that accompany the inevitable apology.

God’s not impressed, but He’s faithful to forgive—and He’s equipped us to do better.

Consider:

1. Words are a gift.

The Lord’s given us the ability to express our fears, our hurts, our hopes, and concerns. Among His most valuable gifts (especially when feelings run high) is our voice. Our words.

Words are certainly an upgrade over the grunt or groan of the caveman. And James certainly agrees:

“A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it” (James 3:5, MSG).

2. Words are powerful.   

God spoke the worlds into existence. Our confession that Jesus is Lord transforms us into new creatures in Christ and changes our destiny forever.

3. Words matter.

Jesus is the living Word. His words in our mouths are the mightiest communication we can create. His words change circumstances.

When life is discouraging, disappointing or downright devastating, His words give us hope: "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13, NLT).

When financial issues pile on and the numbers don’t add up, declare His words, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19, NIV).

I’ve always delighted in words. I love finding the right ones, the perfect turn of phrase to express delight or dismay. To praise or petition.

Turns out not only does our Abba Father listen to us, He provides us the perfect words.

His words.

“Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path” (Psalm 119:105, NLT).

Powerful. Effective. Always successful.

“It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it” (Isaiah 55:11, NLT).

Now, that’s quite a promise!

When have you found that declaring God’s words made a difference in your home or other relationships?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between moms and the girls who marry their sons, and her new book, I Choose You Today, helps couples strengthen their marriages. Deb and her husband, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.