The Mother of Little Acts

Kathy Carlton Willis is one of the most encouraging women I know. In this Mother's Day UPGRADE, she has a message for all women about how we can "mother" others through little acts of kindness and love.

"Since I wasn't blessed with children, I never know how to feel on Mother's Day," Kathy says. "But God gives all of us, whether a parent or childless, ways to be a mother to others."

I (Dawn) have always felt a lttle upset for those who must face Mother's Day with sadness. Maybe it's a woman who has no children, or a child whose mother has passed away. I was so glad to read Kathy's positive words. We can all learn to "mother" others and bless them in countless ways.    

It may not take away the sting of loss or sorrow, but it gives us a way to channel our feelings for good.

Kathy continues . . . 

When I look up the word "mother" in my handy thesaurus, it says a mother protects, nurses, tends to, pampers, nurtures, raises, looks after, cares for.

In Hosea, Isaiah, Matthew, and Luke, God or Jesus are described as mother figures. To be godly, we too can take on the character traits of a good mother.

During this pandemic, I've witnessed so many doing amazing acts of kindness. What have we learned during this time about showing love?

All these little things amount to big ways we can help others. Lives were touched from more than six feet apart!

There are also many unnoticed acts of love.

Moms have to do thankless tasks. We can all take up the challenge to be unseen do-ers. Not seeking credit but spreading joy.

It doesn’t take a big action to have a big effect.

God sees every unseen act of kindness or service.

Little Things in the Bible

• The Widow at Zarephath used flour and oil and a few sticks for a fire to make bread to feed Elijah. She had enough for the remainder of the drought. (1 Kings 17:7-24)
  
• The tongue. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. (James 3:5 NLT)
• The mustard seed. (Matthew 13:31-32; Luke 17:6)
• The widow who gave her last two coins. (Mark 12:41)
• The five-loaves-and-two-fish happy meal the mom packed to send with her boy. (Matthew 14:17; John 6:9)
• The sparrow. (Matthew 10:29-31)
• The number of hairs on our heads. (Luke 12:7)
• Moses’ rod. (Exodus 4:1-5, 17, 20)
• David’s sling and five smooth stones. (I Samuel 17:40, 49)
• Shamgar’s ox goad. (Judges 3:31)
  
• Samson’s jawbone of a donkey. (Judges 15:14-16)

In any struggle, God can use even the insignificant thing that is already in our hands to give us victory!

When Peter and John saw the crippled man at the gate called Beautiful, asking for alms, they didn’t have money to give, but through Jesus Christ, had something greater.

But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” (Acts 3:6 ESV)

Unseen Acts

Moms, caregivers, and others constantly perform acts of tiny service that go unseen. Not a day goes by without these little details.

If you’ve ever felt like your day is filled with mundane tasks, unnoticed by others and seemingly unimportant, I have a message for you.

Your affirmation and appreciation won’t always come from the recipients of your loving acts.

But God sees. He knows.

Your acts aren’t unseen, and you—you are not invisible. God not only notices you, He delights in you.

Zephaniah 3:17 (NLT) says:

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

I love the idea of God singing songs over me!

He takes delight in us. He notices us.

Think what would happen if we made a commitment to give freely. We’d be enriched by it and others will know they are cared for.

One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. (Proverbs 11:24 ESV)

Everyday Mothering

1. Notice others. Say their names. Know their hearts. Pay attention to what they love.
2. Do a tiny act of kindness. When we serve others, it’s not insignificant. Sometimes, the simpler the act, the more it touches the recipient.
3. Don’t allow the mundaneness of everyday life to overtake being connected in community.

How will you “mother” others this week?

Kathy Carlton Willis is God’s Grin Gal. She writes and speaks with a balance of funny and faith—whimsy and wisdom. Over a thousand of Kathy’s articles have been published and she has several books in her Grin Gal brand. Her latest book is 7 Trials Every Woman Faces. Kathy is active as a book industry pro, and her coaching group, WordGirls, propels women toward their writing goals. She graduated with honors from Bible College and has served 30+ years in full-time ministry. Check out her Grin & Grow Break video devotions on social media. Learn more about Kathy here.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Pasja1000 at Pixabay.

If You Can't Be Kind, Be Quiet

Author Deb DeArmond focuses on strengthening relationship. In this Communication UPGRADE, she suggests we check our words before they cause damage.

"Did you know each year there is a National Say Something Nice Day? It was new to me," Deb says, "and made me think of my mama. It would have made her happy."

My (Dawn's) mom knew I was a "word person." Perhaps that's why she often encouraged me to be careful how I used words. It sounds like Deb's mom was a lot like mine!

 Deb continues . . .

Mama often shared her belief that “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.” It wasn’t just a slogan; she lived it every day.

I never heard her say a mean or critical word about a single person, with the exception of her second cousin Hattie, who deserved it according to Mama.

“That girl had a mean streak.”

She once bit my mother hard enough to draw blood, so I think it’s a valid observation. But with this one exception, Mom was a gentle and generous soul.

She looked for the goodness in every person and as a result, she almost always found it.

Easier said than done.

If you have family, you already know this can be tough duty. Especially in the face of what we often call at my house, “an intense moment of fellowship.”

If you overheard the discussion, you might think we’re engaged in an argument. Some may claim it’s a matter of semantics since the two are quite similar. We prefer to position it in a more friendly way.

Definition aside, when it gets heated, something nice is not always the first phrase that occurs to us or rolls off the tongue.

And the tongue is often the problem with conflict, isn’t it?

The scripture gives us that heads up:

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way (James 3:2 NLT).

Every other way?

You mean, if I could manage my mouth, I’d also be able to resist the call of Cappuccino ice cream? Now there’s some motivation!

Over the years, I’ve become aware of the need to be more intentional, more grace-filled, when conflict arises.

God's Spirit has been persistent to point out missed opportunities, little slips, and major mishaps of the mouth.

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4 NLT).

I’m working on it.

Just remember, we do have an enemy—but our friends or loved ones are not our adversary.

God expects us to speak the truth in love when we’d prefer to give someone a piece of our mind.

Making our point cannot be more important than making our Heavenly Father happy.

Today, identify an opportunity to say something nice. Find something genuine, not manufactured, and smile when you say it.

If you want to make a super-powerful positive impression—write it down. Slip a note in his pocket, the kids’ lunchbox, or tuck a card in her purse.

A discovery of a compliment or acknowledgement is a prize, and when it’s unexpected, it’s so much sweeter. It just might make your someone’s day.

And it will make your mama so proud!

Take a quick inventory

Be honest with yourself.

• How often do you walk away regretful of a harsh or unkind word you’ve spoken? What pulls you into that behavior?
• How are relationships impacted when the communication—and your best intentions—get away from you?
• Identify one strategy to remind you to be quiet if you're struggling to be kind—perhaps a simple prayer or scripture before a conversation that might be difficult.

We can't fix what we don't acknowledge. Enhance your self-awareness and use your answers to set a new course!

Proverbs 15:4 reminds us,

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (NLT).

If you can't be kind, be quiet.

What is the strategy you identified to remind you to be quiet if you struggle to be kind? Ask God for wisdom, and don't give up. Your relationships are worth the effort.

Deb DeArmond is the author of Related by Chance, Family by Choice, I Choose You Today, and Don’t Go to Bed Angry. Stay Up and Fight! All three books focus on relationship dynamics, communication, and conflict resolution. For more information about Deb and her ministry, visit her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Candid-Shots at Pixabay.

3 Simple Steps to Setting Boundaries

Kate Hagen, a counselor and businesswoman, loves to share helpful information that can help women thrive in their walk with the Lord. In this Choices UPGRADE, she sugests three things to do to set wise and loving boundaries.

"It’s not rude to set boundaries," Kate says. "In fact, it’s one of the kindest things you can do."

I (Dawn) agree with Kate in concept, but I don't always know HOW to set a wise boundary, so I truly appreciated Kate's insight here.

Kate continues . . .

Traditionally, I have not set boundaries with my friends. It has seemed unkind or rude to tell others how to treat me.

Honestly, it’s felt too hard. What will they think of me?

But I'm beginning to understand that healthy boundaries derive from love, not fear; kindness, not rudeness.

Perhaps the most useful piece of information I've gained about boundaries is this:

Discovering and communicating my boundaries will be uncomfortable and possibly hurtful in the SHORT RUN, but it will save me a LIFETIME of pain, hiding and resentment!

Here's are three steps that have helped me set life-giving boundaries:

1. Decide what your core values are.

Who are you? What do you value? Figure out what, exactly, you're comfortable with and what you aren't.

I made a list! One for general core values and one specific to my business. If you've never done this, I highly recommend it.

It was eye-opening to me.

Now that I have a list, I know WHY I should say no at times. If something is in contrast to my core values, I can confidently (and kindly) say no.

Even though Jesus probably didn’t have to make a list of his core values, Luke says Jesus “often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:16).

He didn’t let himself get burned out with healing people; He took breaks and got close to Abba Father again!

2. Stick with your boundaries.

This is not easy for me. I am prone to say one thing and do another.

Sadly, this is one way to quickly get someone to question your character or authenticity. I am deeply convicted by this and so grateful to have God changing me.

It's helpful to think of there being only two options: YES and NO.

"Yes, I want to do this!"

or, "No, that doesn't feel right this time."

This helps me stick to my boundaries when I narrow it down to these two options.

Jesus says to let your yes be yes, and your no be no! (Matthew 5:37)

3. Clearly and kindly communicate your boundaries.

If your boundaries haven't been communicated to those around you in a way others understand, it won't matter much that you have boundaries.

I find it's easier to communicate boundaries when I approach it as honoring my values.

For instance, if someone asks me to do something Monday night, I know my answer. I say, "I would love to hang out with you, but can we choose another night? I have reserved that night as family night, and that's something we really value and honor in our house."

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

These three steps are simple, yet have had a profound impact on my life!

Remember that discovering and communicating your boundaries will be uncomfortable and possibly hurtful IN THE SHORT RUN, but it will save you a LIFETIME of pain, hiding and resentment.

It’s not rude. In fact, it’s one of the kindest things you can do!

Which, if any, of these three steps is a struggle for you? Do you agree that setting boundaries is a kind and loving choice?

Kate Hagen spends most of her time teaching, knowing and loving her three kids in their beach community of Leucadia, CA. She has a Master’s Degree in Biblical Counseling and has written, spoken and counseled women about mothering, body image and health. She runs a small essential oil business from her home, and usually smells pretty good. At her website you can read her journey of grieving and laughing as her mom passed of cancer, as well as her thoughts on the Bible and body image. 

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Jill 111 at Pixabay.

Are You Exposing Shame or Covering Blame?

Kolleen Lucariello encourages women to live in freedom and grace, shedding harmful and false thinking and behavior. In this Attitude and Relationships UPGRADE, she invites us to examine a sinful practice: shaming others.

“Early one Saturday morning,” Kolleen said, “my hubby, Pat and I sat on the sidelines of a soccer field spectating our four-year-old grandson’s game; we also, inadvertently, became spectators to a heated exchange between a father and his daughter.”

Having attended many sports events, I (Dawn) know the “heated” conversations that can arise when people get caught up in the emotions of the moment, but Kolleen writes about an attitude that isn’t limited to athletic events!

Kolleen continues…

This wasn’t a father and his toddler, nor was it his teenage daughter. This was a father and his adult daughter.

The tension arose after the father suggested his daughter put a hat on the baby to prevent sun exposure. One comment, a few sarcastic jabs, and suddenly words of accusation were flowing freely from the daughter’s mouth as she began to list, in detail, all that she could remember of his own parenting failures.

As resentment seethed from her lips, my eyes scanned each family member who sat on the blanket: his wife—her mother—who sat head hung in silence; and the angry daughter’s sibling who nervously tried to end the outburst. The young children who quietly played but every few minutes stopped to watch. And listen. And then the father whose daughter was now broadcasting his past transgressions at a community event; a daughter I surmised was in desperate need of healing.

I tried not to stare.

But catching a glimpse of each person’s face, I prayed for each one. Eventually, words ceased and my attention turned back to the soccer game. But one question consumed my thoughts:

Does anyone deserve to be humiliated and publicly shamed?

I knew the answer.

You upgrade your life when you:

1. Use restraint! Learn to pause and pray before you vent-away.

In the days following—as I continued to marvel at the daughter’s freedom of expression—I observed similar non-verbal outbursts. We seem to allow ourselves the freedom to vent everything to the public, quickly and unguarded, through social media.

Heat-of-the-moment emotions can lead us to forget what Jesus said: “If a brother sins against you, go to him PRIVATELY and confront him with his fault” (Matthew 18:15, TLB).

Privately just seems difficult these days, don’t you think?

A wounded heart tempts us to justify our right to express ourselves without restraint.

Without taking a moment to pause, we allow our fingertips freedom on a keyboard to share intimate details with little thought of the impact to others.

We must learn to pause! It’s easy to sit behind a faceless computer and vent; but at the field that day, I saw the faces.

2. Remember people aren’t pawns. Don’t help the crowd gather stones.

I imagine there was nothing to hide behind for the woman who was yanked from the bed, hauled through the streets and thrown into the Temple after being caught “in the very act of adultery” and forced to “stand in the center of the court” (John 8:4).

I’ve often wondered if the Scribes and Pharisees allowed her to grab a covering. Was it only her sin and shame exposed? Do you think they did? After all, their mission was to relieve the pressure Jesus put on them by finding grounds to accuse Him (vs.6). She was just a pawn in their test.

Can we learn to fight the urge to release our pressure by accusing others publicly? People were never meant to be pawns.

Can you visualize her standing alone—in fear and shame—as a crowd gathered, stones in hand? That is, until Jesus knelt down in the sand and said, “He who is without [any] sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (8:7, AMP).

Do you suppose we are exposing others to the stones of the crowd when we uncover their deeds to the public?

3. Choose to cover blame rather than exposing shame.

Maybe Peter had her story in mind when he wrote, “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others]” (1 Peter 4:1, AMP).

When others exposed her, Jesus used love to cover her.

May we choose to extend the same mercy Jesus offered the shame-filled adulteress when our feelings tempt us to expose.

Remember: there is no law against self-control (Galatians 5:23).

Who can you cover today with love?

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book, The ABC’s of Who God Says I Am. Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She’s a mother of three married children and Mimi to four incredible grandkids. For more information about Kolleen, visit her website.

Kinda Kind

Kaley Faith Rhea is a bright young woman with a promising future, and her growth in wisdom shows! In this Spiritual Growth UPGRADE, she zeroes in on the need for intentional kindness.

"We tend, Kaley says, "to try to teach our children to be kind—to share and to say sweet words and to play nice, right? But between you and me, fellow grownups, we can be some real sass-mouth kids to each other!"

"Sass-mouth." I (Dawn) have never used that word, but oh, does it ever describe what I hear when some women talk. We need some conversational wisdom, for sure!

Kaley continues . . .

As a culture, we’re inclined to celebrate the zingers. The quick come-backs, the smart insults, the comic teasing.

Something in us loves to shout, “Ohhhh! Apply cool water to that burn!” after a particularly glorious gibe. And a lot of times, it really is all in fun.

We like to laugh. Big deal.

The potential problem is that for some it can be a bit habit forming. Has it become weird to look someone in the face and speak sincerely some kind words to them? Or to hear kind words spoken to you?

The truth is, we can so train our brains in this method of verbal sparring that we look to score points with hardly a conscious thought, while trying to honestly encourage someone is like trying to do calligraphy wrong-handed.

It’s uncomfortable. And it probably doesn’t turn out like what you had in mind.

But Ephesians 4:22 tells us to, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted…” Those of you who have children, what could be sweeter to you than seeing your kiddos show kindness to each other?

Have you thought about ways you can bless your heavenly Father lately? Be kind. Be tenderhearted.

Where there may be discomfort or awkwardness or an odd feeling of vulnerability in the effort to replace glibness with kindness, think of Jesus and this opportunity you have to be sweet to Him.

I think sometimes today we get this idea that a kind person is this saccharine, obnoxious, weak, or false sort of person. So let’s be clear.

Kindness isn’t the same as lying or flattering or overlooking sin. In fact, sometimes confrontation is the kind thing to do.

Psalm 141:5 says, “Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it.”

Replacing truth with feel-goodisms is no kind of kindness at all. It’s more like apathy, in fact.

But kindness does require approaching someone in love and with the understanding that you are not their superior. That their struggle could just as easily be yours. Kindness is dismissing the desire to put someone in their place and instead asking the Lord to use you however He wants in that moment, that you might see someone else victorious in Christ.

There is something a bit sinister, too, in the habitual teasing: it tends to keep things on a superficial level. It’s difficult to share personal struggles or victories or vices with someone whose tendency is to laugh things off or call things out.

So even if sharp but funny insults are the popular thing, they’re not generally what people are thirsting for.

We may celebrate the wit of the jokesters, but we are drawn to the hearts of the kind.

Probably because when people are being kind, they’re being like Jesus.

Galatians 5:22-23 says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Kindness is an evidence of the work of the Holy Spirit in you.

If you find yourself defaulting to clever put-downs or brush-offs, ask Him to change your mind. Ask Him to show you how to bless Him by blessing others with your words and actions.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that kindness is a lesson we ought to reserve for children. It’s massively important. It’s a command.

And it’s impossible to do it well without the help of our tirelessly kind and merciful Father.

How can you take kindness out of the Sunday School classroom and be intentional about it in real life?

Kaley Faith Rhea is the co-author of Turtles in the Road, releasing soon, with two more novels in the works. Along with writing and teaching at writers’ conferences, she co-hosts the TV show, That’s My Mom, for Christian Television Network’s KNLJ in mid-Missouri. Kaley lives in the St. Louis area.

Graphic: adapted, courtesy of Morguefile.