When 'NO' Costs You EVERYTHING

Kolleen Lucariello is a funny, practical, godly woman. I've learned much from her posts and insights. In this Character UPGRADE, she points us to a woman worth emulating—and it's not the woman you might think.

"She said no. She was a defiant wife who had disrespected her husband in front of a bunch of influential men," Kolleen said."I assumed I knew all I needed to know about her."

I (Dawn) appreciate Kolleen's thoughts about this "defiant wife." She's the often-overlooked woman in another woman's story—but she had character and dignity. Her defiance was likely a product of caution and discernment.

Kolleen continues . . .

I’d skim over this wife's part in the story of Esther because that’s what I’ve always been taught. My assumptions would be challenged when I saw her name this time, causing me to pause and consider the woman who said no. 

Queen Vashti, the beautiful wife of King Xerxes, said no.  

She was married to a man who loved power, praise and partying, and referred to himself as, “Xerxes the Great” and “king of kings.” 

In the first chapter of the book of Esther, we read about the party he hosted lasting 180 days. His motive for gathering the powerful leaders from around his empire may have been to bring consolidation and gain political support. 

What better way than to accomplish this than to display the wealth of his kingdom. King Xerxes liked to show off his possessions.

One was his queen, Vashti, who was a very beautiful woman (Esther 1:11). During this time in history, she really was just a possession. Some suggest Vashti may have been the daughter of another king Xerxes had formed an alliance with.

She was his trophy wife. 

Following his big bash, the king hosted a banquet for all of the people in Susa, which lasted for seven days (Esther 1:5). During this banquet, Queen Vashti was hosting her own party for the ladies of the land in the royal palace.  

As we read in the first chapter of Esther, the drinks were plentiful, and each man could drink what he wished (1:8). Can you imagine? Seven straight days of binge drinking? 

Then, on the seventh day, when the king’s heart was “merry with wine” (1:10), he summoned his beautiful wife, Vashti, to come “to him with the royal crown on her head. He wanted the nobles and all the other men to gaze on her beauty, for she was a very beautiful woman” (Esther 1:11, NLT). 

And then it happened.  

She refused his invitation.  

When I stop to consider the circumstances, I wonder:

• Was she being obstinate? 
• Was her intent to dishonor and disrespect her husband? 
• Or was there more to the story? 

Imagine yourself in a room full of drunken men and you are the center of attention.

The men in the room may not have dared to touch her—she was, after all, the queen. But they were drunk.

Perhaps her no was a refusal to be exploited.

Perhaps it was to avoid the risk of being undressed—even with just their eyes.  

Or was her no intended to protect her husband from the shame of what could happen. 

Yes, her denial would have embarrassed the king; however, her denial also may have protected his reputation. 

And let’s not forget, she was busy! She was in the middle of hosting her own party.  

Rather than disregard Vashti’s no, perhaps there is something we can learn from it. 

Does God want us to be honoring and respectful? Absolutely. But perhaps we say yes when He knows we should say no.

God has granted us the freedom to say no to any person, place or thing that would bring dishonor to Him—or us.

The truth is, our no might be the motivation God uses to spare another from a horrible tumble into sin. It also could be the catalyst He uses to bring about His plan and purpose.

Vashti’s no opened the door for Esther. 

Without the necessary no, we may find ourselves: 

• Overcommitted. 
• Trapped in toxic relationships.  
• Overburdened financially. 
• And yes, left with shame and guilt.   

It’s quite probable that we fail to speak our no because we fear what it might cost us.

I don’t deny a no can be costly; Vashti’s no cost her everything. She lost her position as queen.

But, what if—in that moment of decision for Vashti—she recognized that her worth did not come from her position as wife to the king of kings? 

She knew she was royalty. Maybe, that’s what gave her the strength she needed to say no to his request.  

Now, what if—in every moment of indecision we face—we recognize we too are royalty and our worth comes from the TRUE King of Kings. Would that give us the strength to say “no” to what God would consider inappropriate or offensive? 

Your worth is never dependent on opinion, social status, family genealogy or your bank account. Your worth is found through your identity in Jesus Christ.  

You are royalty!

We are royalty because we are daughters of God! 

“But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12, NLT); and since we are His children, we are His "heirs" (Romans 8:17).  

Never be afraid to shout your no as you live to glorify the King of Kings. 

Regardless of the cost.  

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of thesoon-to-be-released #beYOU: Change Your Identity One Letter at a Time. Koleen is also Co-director of the women's ministry, Activ8Her: helping women to build confidence in leadership, become courageous in our faith, and create connection in relationship. Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She's a mother of three married children and Mimi to six incredible grandkids. For more information about Kolleen, visit her website or activ8her.org.

Painting: "Vashti Refuses the King's Summons" by Edwin Long.

How to Be a Woman of Purpose

Practical and biblical, Sally Ferguson invites women to grow in faith as they study God's Word learn how to apply scripture. In this Spiritual Growth UPGRADE, she focuses on a woman in the Bible who became a true Woman of Purpose.

"We can learn some lessons from an orphan gal," Sally said. 

I (Dawn) think we can learn lessons from the most unlikely people, if we are alert to how God is using them; and Sally highlights practical lessons from Jewish girl who became an influential queen.

Sally continues . . .

Mordecai and Esther were a part of the contingent living in exile, and as such, they were subject to the decrees of the king of Persia.

One day, the town crier announced a beauty pageant at the king’s palace. The girls were rounded up and transported to the king’s harem.

Did Esther wonder about her purpose during those twelve long months of being sequestered in her quarters? Did she feel forgotten and lost in the crowd of beauties all vying for the king’s heart?

Wonder of all wonders, King Xerxes chose Esther to be his queen and threw a banquet in her honor.

Esther had reached the pinnacle of success in her day, but the red carpet was about to be ripped out from under her sandaled feet.

A man named Haman was cooking up a plot to annihilate the Jews; her people.

What made Esther a woman of purpose?

I believe there are five gems we can see in her life.

1. She was winsome.

Esther won the favor of everyone who saw her (2:15). Verse 17 says she won the king’s favor and approval.

Webster’s Dictionary defines winsome as “generally pleasing and engaging, often because of a childlike charm and innocence.”

Maybe that’s what Paul was referring to when he said in Romans 12:18, “If at all possible… live at peace with everyone.”

He also said in 2 Corinthians 2:14-16 that we are the aroma of Christ to everyone we meet. If our words and our actions are winsome, then we represent the King of Kings!

2. She showed respect.

Esther honored her uncle, even after she was removed from his care. She didn’t abandon her upbringing in her palatial environment (2:20). And when an assassination plot against her husband came to light, she gave the credit back to her uncle for the foiled plans.

That’s a refreshing twist to the story when we live in an era where everyone looks out for #1.  

The act of giving deference to another is unselfish and unspoiled. It’s winsome!

3. She cared about the plight of others.

Have you ever cared so much about something that you wept over it? Esther did (8:3).

Isaiah 53:4 says Jesus carried our sorrows and Revelation 7:17 says God will wipe every tear from our eyes.

Who determines the worth of an individual?

Haman and Hitler thought the Jews were expendable.

Today, we have a pandemic of abortions because someone deemed a fetus expendable. Yet, God says every human was made in His image. Isaiah 43:1 says He created us, formed us, redeemed us, summoned us, and we belong to Him.

Esther was a woman of purpose because she cared about others.

4. She sought God.

Esther called for a fast (4:15-16). She had come to the end of herself and realized how much she needed the Lord’s intervention.

It was time to let down the mask of perfection.

It was time to be real about her need.

• Maybe she had gotten by her whole life by her winsomeness and beauty.
• Maybe she had lived a sheltered life and never understood what it meant, to not live in captivity.

But now, the stark reality of her own mortality stares back in the mirror and she tastes fear.

What happens when we crucify our own agenda to seek God’s?

2 Chronicles 7:14 says we connect with forgiveness and healing.

Galatians 2:20 says that’s when we really let Christ reign in our hearts.

Esther became a woman of purpose when she sought God with her whole heart.

5. She sought out answers.

In Esther 5:1, we see Esther breaking the rules for the first time in her life. She went against the law of the land of Persia and approached the king’s throne.

Maybe Esther’s request was the beginning of her thinking for herself?

Previously, we see her following instructions:

• from her uncle,
• from the eunuch in charge of the king’s harem,
• and from the king.

Now, however, Esther seems to have come to a new understanding of what it meant to wear her thinking cap along with her crown, as queen of Persia.

Could it be that her time of seeking God gave a newfound courage to step into who He created her to be? Esther 7:3, 9:13 and 9:29-32 all show Esther using her authority to make a difference.

Where has God placed you? How might He want to use you as His agent of change in that place?

Could you, like Esther, be placed in your sphere of influence for such a time as this?

Sally Ferguson is celebrating 15 years of planning women’s retreats! Her coloring book, What Will I Be When I Grow Up? (Warner Press) and ebook, How to Plan a Women’s Retreat are both available on Amazon.  Visit her latest retreat release and her website.

Graphic—Esther by John Everett Millais, 1865—resourced at Wikipedia.