When Only a 'Pat' Will Do

In this Encouragement UPGRADE, Dawn shares what she's learned about a simple method of "communication" that helps us encourage others—beyond words, or even when words won't come.

Since my diagnosis, I've found that people don't always know what to say to me. Some find it awkward to converse about my health changes. Others even avoid me, not knowing what to say.

But my husband has taught me an important lesson. Over and over in my health "adventure," he knows he can't "fix" my problems, and he's a man of few words—unless he's teaching or preaching! But Bob reaches out and pats me on the arm if we're standing or on my knee if we're sitting.

It's as if only a "pat" will do at the time. But it is enough. And here's why.

1. A pat says, "I'm here."

There's simply nothing like "presence" to comfort and encourage.

I've heard of spouses who leave their mate in times of distress or tragedy, and that is horribly sad. But I've found great solace in knowing that Bob has been present with me throughout this myeloma journey and every "side trip" (like bronchitis this week).

Presence matters.

God's presence matters most of all. Sometimes, when life seems puzzling, I feel like Father God reaches down to "pat" me with His presence and give me peace. He might bring a scripture verse to mind, or give me some marching orders for my day. Most of all, it's comforting to acknowledge that He will never leave me (Hebrews 13:5b; Psalm 94:14).

God is with us in all our struggles and needs, and even if He feels far, far away.

2. A pat says, "I'm here and I care."

There's a certain tenderness that comes with a gentle pat of encouragement.

The one reaching out to us loves us, and out of that love flows compassion.

When Bob and I attended my Grandpa Webb's funeral—enroute from Michigan to our new home—my grandmother was surprised to see me. For a while, I watched as people began to offer condolences. (Some of the things I heard were not comforting at all!)

Weary, Grandma sat down. I smiled at her and sat down beside her.

I didn't say a word for the rest of the time as people came by—some expressing love, some offering not-too-helpful advice, some not knowing what to say. I simply held her hand and patted it from time to time until Bob said we had to get on our way.

Later, Grandma wrote to tell me that she was the most comforted by my almost-wordless presence and the tenderness of my touch, my "little pats."

It's so comforting to me to know that Father God is always watching over us, and He sees us in our pain and understands (Psalm 31:7; 34:18; 56:8). God reaches out in love to tell us He cares. As Casting Crowns sings, "Your pain may run deep. His love runs deeper still."

We can take all our burdensome anxieties to God, because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

Every need, every burden, every fear, every anxiety—take them all to God.

I like what Dr. Michelle Bengtson wrote, in The Hem of His Garment: "He's a God who stops and bends his ear to listen to our heartfelt cries." How wonderful and touching that our God listens and cares.

3. A pat says, "I'm here to tell you I appreciate you."

Like a pat on the back that says "good job," sometimes a pat can mean, "I see how you are dealing with this, and I appreciate you." Or even, "I admire you."

I've received many pats like this over the past five year as I've shared the highs and lows of my health journey

• It's encouraging to know that someone sees that you're trying to live biblically even in tough times.
• It's motivating to know that others are watching, and it matters that we persevere in courage through God's strength.

God's pats of appreciation might come to us in many ways, directly or through others—like words of gratitude from people who say you helped them through your ministry, or through words of encouragement you shared with them.

And here's another thing: the believer looks forward to a wonderful "pat" when God rewards for faith and obedience. It only begins with God's, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

4. A pat says, "I'm here to help you, if I can."

Sometimes a person who is struggling can't tell you in the moment what they need when you ask, "How can I help?"

People might go ahead and take care of some your needs (anticipating them), but their little pats can tell you they are people you might be able to count on in a pinch.

A pat can say, "I'm here to help you, if I can, however I can, whenever I can, and if you will let me."

Some words can be fruitless, but a pat—with or without words—can make you feel that a person genuinely wants to help. (I have to admit that some people may give you a little pat as a way of escaping involvement; but that's not true with faithful friends.)

And speaking of faithful friends, Father God is our Helper, our Jehovah Ezer.

Psalm 28:7 says that when we place our hopes in God, trusting Him, we find help. Our faithful Father does not abandon us, but He helps us through the difficulties of our journey (Psalm 121). When we confidently come to His throne of grace, we find the help we need and do not need to be afraid (Hebrews 4:16; 13:6).

Sometimes only a "pat" will do, but it is quite often more than enough.

When has a pat from someone encouraged you? How might you share a little pat with someone today? 

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth at Revive Our Hearts, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Struggling? 5 Things God Won't Say to You

Cindi McMenamin has tremendous insight into women's needs and struggles, and she writes to encourage and strengthen them. In this Relationship with God UPGRADE, Cindi writes about what God will never say to the hurting, confused or frustrated heart.

She asks, "Are you struggling right now? Wanting to hear from God? Hoping that when you finally do, it will be something encouraging?"

As a matter of fact, as I (Dawn) received Cindi's article, I was hoping for that. I was eager for an answer "right now"—but God nudged me to pause and think biblically. That's exactly what Cindi is helping us do here.

Cindi continues . . .

There are a few situations in my life right now that could really stress me out. My husband is waiting to hear about three different job opportunities, and to be honest, he needs at least two of the three!

Now, I can pull out my hair, and lose sleep at night, and keep calculating what we'll do if he doesn't get any of those jobs. Or, I can realize it is ludicrous for me to worry that God isn't aware, or doesn't care, or won't provide for us in time.

I choose to not be ludicrous.

So I thought of five good reasons not to worry about that or anything we tend to worry about. Those five good reasons come down to five things you and I will never hear God say as we hand Him our worries and concerns.

So here they are. You never have to fear any of these responses when you trust God with what is on your heart.

1. You've got this yourself.

Instead of putting it back on us, God tells us in Exodus 14:14: "I will fight for you; you need only to be still."

2. I really don't want to hear about it.

To the contrary, God wants a relationship with us in which we tell Him all that is on our hearts and minds. Not because He doesn't know, but because He wants the intimacy that develops as we share our hearts with Him. Intimacy is developed through communication.

We are told in Psalm 62:8, "Trust in Him at all times...pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

3. You don't need Me. 

Even if we think God has abandoned us because we've acted independently before, God knows better than we do how very much we DO need Him.

In Philippians 4:13, we are told we we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. The key is Christ's strength.

So don't worry about Him thinking you don't need Him.

Even when you THINK you don't, you really do.

4. Sorry, it's impossible.

Jesus, Himself, said in Matthew 19:26: "With God all things are possible."

5. I don't want to do anything for you.

Sometimes we don't tell God what worries us, or even ask for something, because we fear He doesn't want to give us anything.

If you're a parent you know how far from the truth that is.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:11: "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"

There you have it.

Does God care? Oh yes.

Can He handle it? You bet.

Give to Him all that is worrying you today and experience the wonder of His peace.

What is it that you are struggling with alone that God is waiting to help you with?  

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 15 books including When God Sees Your Tears, and her most recent, 10 Secrets to Becoming a Worry-Free Mom.  For more on her books and ministry, or to download free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website, Strength for the Soul. 

When the Ache Won't Go Away

With the wisdom of a story-telling sage, Cynthia Ruchti leads women to the Source of grace and hope:

“Like an abscessed tooth, the memory of Darren’s betrayal kept Marika from chewing on that side of life,” Ruchti said. “The pain throbbed through her entire being. She thought she was doing fine until she’d chomp down on something hard—like her daughter’s fatherless recital—and restart the cycle of pain.”

Her words are more than one woman’s story. It’s a lesson to help us UPGRADE our attitudes as we deal with life’s hurts.

Ruchti continues ...

I pray you don’t identify with Marika’s stabbing distress. But I know better than to assume you don’t. Or that you don’t care about someone walking her path.

We’ve heard the stories too often—the husband who walks away from his family, who chooses to ignore his responsibilities and his marriage vows in favor of the adventure of someone who comes packaged with no responsibilities but a good time, someone who treats him like a pubescent boy rather than the man he’s supposed to be.

He gets a condo in the city. The Marikas in the story are stuck with an impossible mortgage, the full weight of raising their children, an awkward or no social life, leaky gutters, a mini-van with an ailing transmission, and an abscess-like sense of rejection.

Or the situation is flipped, an all-too frequent occurrence. She and her girlfriend decide to leave their husbands and kids and share a condo in the city, a place that allows them a freedom that comes at the cost of their marriages and their children’s happiness.

Referring to fractured families like Marika’s, a quote from Ragged Hope: Surviving the Fallout of Other People’s Choices says,

“The spittle of parental hostility always lands on the children. A feud between Mom and Dad is as hard to breathe through as secondhand smoke.”

As a gossamer, balm-laced overlay to that picture, though, is this unshakable truth that cuts through the pain:

God doesn’t just care; He understands.

We lean on His power, His ability to hold us, His tenacious love for us, no matter which part of the abscess equation is ours. But this too is true—His understanding has no limit.

His love is limitless. His forgiveness is limitless. His compassion knows no bounds. His mercy is limitless. We cling to those promises. But here’s a holding-on place for trying times that gets less attention than others. The Bible assures us there is no limit to His understanding (Psalm 147:5).

He understands how deeply betrayal cuts. He understands our insomnia, our frustration, our weariness, our battle to keep from letting bitterness dictate our reactions. He understands it all.

          He doesn’t just know. He understands.

          He doesn’t just see. He sees why.

          He doesn’t just react. He creates.

          He doesn’t just care. He shows it.

          He doesn’t just love us through it. He gets it.

He understands exactly how fast our world is spinning and how close it’s tiptoeing to the edge.

He understands how ragged and worn we sometimes feel.

          He understands it all. All.

Fill your lungs with that bracing breath of life today. No matter what we face, Someone understands.

Now, there’s something to hold onto while we wait for the pain to subside!

When has God’s understanding encouraged you to hang on and persevere?

Cynthia Ruchti is the author of Ragged Hope: Surviving the Fallout of Other People’s Choices, a book that takes a look at the realities of the consequences we face because of another’s wrong, hurtful, misguided, or sinful decisions. Filled with stories of those who responded admirably and with uncommon grace, the book also addresses those of us who walk beside people caught in the aftermath of someone else’s bad decision. You can connect with Cynthia on her website or Facebook Reader Page to find out more about this book and others she’s written.