When Only a 'Pat' Will Do

In this Encouragement UPGRADE, Dawn shares what she's learned about a simple method of "communication" that helps us encourage others—beyond words, or even when words won't come.

Since my diagnosis, I've found that people don't always know what to say to me. Some find it awkward to converse about my health changes. Others even avoid me, not knowing what to say.

But my husband has taught me an important lesson. Over and over in my health "adventure," he knows he can't "fix" my problems, and he's a man of few words—unless he's teaching or preaching! But Bob reaches out and pats me on the arm if we're standing or on my knee if we're sitting.

It's as if only a "pat" will do at the time. But it is enough. And here's why.

1. A pat says, "I'm here."

There's simply nothing like "presence" to comfort and encourage.

I've heard of spouses who leave their mate in times of distress or tragedy, and that is horribly sad. But I've found great solace in knowing that Bob has been present with me throughout this myeloma journey and every "side trip" (like bronchitis this week).

Presence matters.

God's presence matters most of all. Sometimes, when life seems puzzling, I feel like Father God reaches down to "pat" me with His presence and give me peace. He might bring a scripture verse to mind, or give me some marching orders for my day. Most of all, it's comforting to acknowledge that He will never leave me (Hebrews 13:5b; Psalm 94:14).

God is with us in all our struggles and needs, and even if He feels far, far away.

2. A pat says, "I'm here and I care."

There's a certain tenderness that comes with a gentle pat of encouragement.

The one reaching out to us loves us, and out of that love flows compassion.

When Bob and I attended my Grandpa Webb's funeral—enroute from Michigan to our new home—my grandmother was surprised to see me. For a while, I watched as people began to offer condolences. (Some of the things I heard were not comforting at all!)

Weary, Grandma sat down. I smiled at her and sat down beside her.

I didn't say a word for the rest of the time as people came by—some expressing love, some offering not-too-helpful advice, some not knowing what to say. I simply held her hand and patted it from time to time until Bob said we had to get on our way.

Later, Grandma wrote to tell me that she was the most comforted by my almost-wordless presence and the tenderness of my touch, my "little pats."

It's so comforting to me to know that Father God is always watching over us, and He sees us in our pain and understands (Psalm 31:7; 34:18; 56:8). God reaches out in love to tell us He cares. As Casting Crowns sings, "Your pain may run deep. His love runs deeper still."

We can take all our burdensome anxieties to God, because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

Every need, every burden, every fear, every anxiety—take them all to God.

I like what Dr. Michelle Bengtson wrote, in The Hem of His Garment: "He's a God who stops and bends his ear to listen to our heartfelt cries." How wonderful and touching that our God listens and cares.

3. A pat says, "I'm here to tell you I appreciate you."

Like a pat on the back that says "good job," sometimes a pat can mean, "I see how you are dealing with this, and I appreciate you." Or even, "I admire you."

I've received many pats like this over the past five year as I've shared the highs and lows of my health journey

• It's encouraging to know that someone sees that you're trying to live biblically even in tough times.
• It's motivating to know that others are watching, and it matters that we persevere in courage through God's strength.

God's pats of appreciation might come to us in many ways, directly or through others—like words of gratitude from people who say you helped them through your ministry, or through words of encouragement you shared with them.

And here's another thing: the believer looks forward to a wonderful "pat" when God rewards for faith and obedience. It only begins with God's, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

4. A pat says, "I'm here to help you, if I can."

Sometimes a person who is struggling can't tell you in the moment what they need when you ask, "How can I help?"

People might go ahead and take care of some your needs (anticipating them), but their little pats can tell you they are people you might be able to count on in a pinch.

A pat can say, "I'm here to help you, if I can, however I can, whenever I can, and if you will let me."

Some words can be fruitless, but a pat—with or without words—can make you feel that a person genuinely wants to help. (I have to admit that some people may give you a little pat as a way of escaping involvement; but that's not true with faithful friends.)

And speaking of faithful friends, Father God is our Helper, our Jehovah Ezer.

Psalm 28:7 says that when we place our hopes in God, trusting Him, we find help. Our faithful Father does not abandon us, but He helps us through the difficulties of our journey (Psalm 121). When we confidently come to His throne of grace, we find the help we need and do not need to be afraid (Hebrews 4:16; 13:6).

Sometimes only a "pat" will do, but it is quite often more than enough.

When has a pat from someone encouraged you? How might you share a little pat with someone today? 

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth at Revive Our Hearts, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Mashing My Remote Control Didn't Help

In this Spiritual Growth UPGRADE, I want to share four lessons I learned about "control."

I mashed the buttons on the TV’s remote control, but nothing happened. Already stressed from bad news, I frantically mashed the buttons harder.

I knew I was upset and disappointed by my circumstances, but I didn’t realize how angry I was too. In my anger, I fiercely tried to “will” the remote to do my bidding.

“I will conquer you, you stupid thing!”

But nothing I did worked.

My husband asked me a simple question, and as it turned out, the remote needed new batteries (Duh!). The remote required change at its core.

Later, I took time for some heart examination. I thought about how I'd felt so out of control, and the foolish, fierce anger that erupted over a relatively small inconvenience.

In that process, I learned—or at least, was reminded of—four lessons about God.

Four Lessons When Life Feels Out of Control

1. God Is in Control.

I felt out of control, but God is never "out of control." He reigns as the sovereign God. He is in complete, absolute control.

On that day when I felt so overwhelmed, I needed more than “remote control”—a general nod that God is somehow remotely involved in the affairs of the world. I needed to embrace God’s intimate control in my life: His personal knowledge and interaction.

God is the potter and I am the clay (Romans 9:19-24). I may feel God is making mistakes or being harsh as He shapes my life, but that’s just the clay speaking.

In my Spirit-indwelled heart I know:

• The Potter knows what He is doing;
• He knows why He chose me, a lump of clay; and
• He knows what tools He will use to shape me.

God is God. I am not. God works “all things according to the counsel of His will” (Ephesians 1:11). He rules over all His creation, and that includes me.

2. God Has a Plan.

When I feel out of control, I often scramble to make plans to alleviate my anxiety. In that stress, I’ve sometimes choose a wrong direction and only get into more trouble.

God, who created us, wants to guide us. His plan includes direction for our lives.

As a young woman, I memorized Proverbs 3:5-6. I knew that I could trust God to direct my life, to show me which path to take. When we choose our plans rather than His, there’s no guarantee for the results.

God’s plan may not look like ours, no matter how hard we "mash the buttons" of our plans. His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9).

That’s why James urges us to ask for wisdom (James 1:5). We need to ask, and then we need to expect God to give us wisdom. We need to be alert and sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s direction.

We are to move forward one step at a time as our Father God gives more light. Then we can be a good steward of our time and resources.

[Let me clarify one thing. We can make plans, but we need to be prepared and willing for God to hijack our plans, which may look nothing like our own. We need to plan wisely, but hold those plans loosely. God gets the last word (Proverbs 16:9).]

3. God Is with Us.

God promised His presence to His people. When we feel overwhelmed, we need to remember that our Father has not left us.

In His presence, we will stop being dismayed or overwhelmed, because His ever-present wisdom and power come to our aid.

Father God sees us, knows all about us, and cares about our struggles.

All three members of the trinity are present in our lives! The Father says, “Fear not, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10a). The Son, Jesus, says, “Lo, I am with you” (Matthew 28:20). The Holy Spirit is our ever-present Helper (John 14:17).

4. God Designed Our Suffering.

This is a hard point but a crucial one.

When we are overwhelmed by circumstances, especially in times of deep struggle or suffering, we need to consider God’s hand in our pain.

Our God has lessons for us in our laments. He does not design our circumstances willy-nilly without specific purpose. Our God is a God of order, not haphazard thoughts, words, or actions.

So what is He doing in our overwhelming circumstances?

First, God wants to give us a greater vision.

God wants us to see and understand who He is and what He can do. He wants to teach us how to be more like Jesus, and the Holy Spirit has a big role in conforming us to the image of the Son.

God is not put off by our anger or frustration; and He also does not ignore our tears. He understands our weakness—that we are “dust” (Psalm 103:13-14). But He wants to lift us higher and give us a vision of His work in us.

As we embrace what He is teaching us, we will have more potential to give Him glory!

Second, God wants to change us.

We want to fix our brokenness. We may try many “fixes” in the process, but God wants to smash our self-effort so we will lean into and submit to His process of transformation.

We can resist His design in our struggles and suffering: becoming bitter, angry, and perhaps paralyzed in coping with our pain.  

Or we can respond to God’s design with trust and contentment, believing our Father—while sovereign in all things—is wise, loving, good, and kind.

In light of eternity, our temporal problems bear a different weight. Our present troubles won’t last very long in terms of eternity. In the moment, His hand may feel heavy, but it is working toward eternal purposes we may not currently see or understand.

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Corinthians 4:17).

What do we make of the tough circumstances that challenge us, maybe threaten to undo us?

Tim Challies wrote about God's providencial actions in our lives in his post, "If God Would Outsource His Sovereignty." Challies wrote about a hypothetical scene in which an angel appeared to a group of Christians in church. The angel said the Lord had told him to distribute some "gifts of His providence." Everyone wanted the gifts of vast sums of money, rare talents, and high position. No one wanted the gifts of quadriplegia, grievous loss, infertility, widowhood, persecution, etc.

If we could choose our circumstances, we would likely never pick painful, hurtful, hard things! But God . . .

Challies concluded that as we receive gifts of providence from God's hand,

"we can rest assured that in the life of the Christian there are not two classes of providence, one good and one bad. No, though some may be easy and some hard, all are good because all in some way flow from His good, Fatherly hand, and all in some way can be consecrated to His service."

We might never choose painful, hurtful, hard things, but God does choose these circumstances for us because of their potential to transform us.

I encourage you to think about the four lessons above in light of your current struggle.

Personalize them:

• God is in control of my circumstance;
• God has a plan for me in my circumstance;
• God is with me throughout this circumstance; and
• God designed my suffering in this circumstance—even when it gets hard—for my good and His glory.

As I meditated on these lessons, I found my feelings changed, even though my circumstance did not.

It felt like putting a new battery into my remote control.

Are you overwhelmed today? Is there a struggle—financial stress, a physical issue, a relationship struggle, mental confusion, great loss, etc.—that consumes your thoughts and feelings?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth at Revive Our Hearts, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Mohamed Nuzrath at Pixabay.

Now He's Alone

Susan K. Stewart is a creative writer, often using what is at hand to teach powerful, practical scriptural truths. In this Hope UPGRADE, she asks us to consider her donkey friend, Jeb.

"Being alone is not pleasant for any of us," Susan says. "Loneliness is made harder because it’s a pain that can’t be seen."

I (Dawn) also believe the pain of loneliness is real, and it's been magnified by the coronavirus lockdowns and restrictions. God has a word of comfort for the lonely, and sometimes He speaks through unusual means—even a donkey's soulful bray.

Susan continues . . .

Jeb hadn’t always been alone. He had family and friends nearby when we met him. Gradually though, they all seemed to move on, leaving him a sad, lonely donkey.

Our life with donkeys began with three jennies from a camp for special needs children. We adopted three of the five therapy animals: Georgia May, Hope, and Shawna. Our neighbor took in the other two: Ellie May and Jeb.

Even though the tiny herd was split up, they stayed in touch with occasional brays. Daily we could hear them chatting back and forth. Even though they couldn’t see each, the “family” knew they were all close by.

A couple of years later, we needed to re-home our three girls. Although the daily family chatter stopped, we could still hear Ellie May and Jeb converse, usually to anyone who would listen.

A few months later, Ellie May disappeared. We don’t know how she got out of the pasture, where she went, or why Jeb didn’t follow.

Now he was alone.

We could hear it in his calls. It sounded as though he were asking, “Where are you?”

Soon the cries for his family decreased, then stopped. Oh, Jeb still joined with other donkeys in the area with the morning donkey grapevine. But he no longer hollered for his family. They were gone.

As time went on, more of the donkey neighbors moved. The morning chatter stopped. No more friendly bantering catching up on the pasture news.

Eventually Jeb moved to our pasture. Our pasture is situated where he can see us throughout the day. While he was acclimating to his new home, we often went out to be sure he knew where the sweet feed was at, make his way to the hay feeder, and be sure he couldn’t work his way out of the gate. He only brayed to announce he was ready to eat.

He was still alone.

Sadly, there are Jebs all around us. People left behind for a number of reasons: friends and family move, a death of loved one, social distancing, and in our overly fast world no one has time to visit. Calls are made for awhile, but eventually when no one answers, they stop.

None of us wants to be a lonely Jeb.

Nor do we want to be the cause of such loneliness.

The writers of Hebrews tells us:

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24-25 ESV).

Here we have an outline to stave off aloneness.

1. The core of these verses is “not neglecting to meet together.”

This doesn’t only apply to attending functions at church. We can meet others where they are at—a coffee shop, their home, a care facility.

In our current world of social distancing and quarantines, it’s too easy to neglect basic fellowship. For those who are house bound, a simple phone call is all that is needed to let them know family and friends are still near—for “meeting together”

2. We’re also told to encourage one another.

One definition of encouragement is “the action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope.”

I like the word “hope,” giving someone hope as a way of encouraging.

Doom and gloom seem to be all around us. We need to depend on each other for positive reports, positive conversation, even positive social media—for hope.

During this time of economic difficulties, encouragement can come in the form of a bag of groceries or a gift card.

Any way we can let others know we see them and we care gives needed support for confident hope.

3. It’s after we reach out and give support we can help “stir up love and good works” in others.

A lonely person may be like our Jeb—going through the motions of each day, but no desire to do much more.

Through our actions, the Jebs in our lives can see love and good works, then move on to share to with others.

Each of us, even when surrounded by others, can feel abandoned and alone. We can even feel God has deserted us. We don’t seem to hear him.

Think of all those who have gone before us who had the same emotions.

• David wrote, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?”
• How much more alone could Jonah have felt?
• Jesus cried on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34)

Then came the morning. God was there. He is there.

While we may be alone for a while, we are never deserted. Our companion, Jesus Christ, is walking with us, even when we don’t see him.

Do you feel alone? How can you move from loneliness to hope to encouragement?

Susan K. Stewart is the Managing Nonfiction Editor with Elk Lake Publishing Inc. She tends her donkeys, chickens, and various other creatures with her husband Bob on a small ranch in Central Texas. Susan’s passion is to inspire readers with practical, real-world solutions. Her book, Donkey Devos: Listen to your donkey when God speaks, is due out early next year. Learn more at her website:  www.practicalinspirations.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Anna ER at Pixabay.

Three Steps toward Dependence

I've long admired Kathy Howard for her skill in communicating biblical thruth through creative Bible studies, and recenty she tackled a topic that is hitting many people where they live. In this Caregiving UPGRADE, she provides a fresh perspective for weary caregivers.

"Self-reliance and independence hinder our caregiving," Kathy says.

Didn't I (Dawn) say it is a "fresh perspective"? I've read many posts promoting independence for caregivers, but never one on learning dependence.

Kathy continues . . .

Caring for my aging parents demands more than I have to give. I remember one night in particular.

Voices penetrated the heavy shroud of sleep. I could hear the anxiety in Mom and Dad’s conversation, but I couldn’t make out the words.

I threw back the covers and stumbled across the hall to their room. Dad lay on the floor beside the bed. I managed to get him sitting, but I could not get his 230-pounds off the floor and back in the bed.

My husband was stirring in the other room, so I called for help. Together we got Dad back in bed.

Thankfully, the fall only caused a few bumps and bruises. But it dramatically reminded me of my limitations.

My natural bent toward self-reliance is reinforced by a culture that admires this quality.

Our culture teaches us that independence is good and dependence is to be avoided at all costs.

While true in certain instances, self-reliance and independence can hinder believers. When we face circumstances and situations we cannot control, change, fix, or conquer we are thrown off balance.

What do we do when we simply can’t do it?

There is nothing easy about caring for aging parents.

No matter how much we love them, the task demands more than we have to give—physically, emotionally, spiritually and relationally. We need help from family members, friends, and health professionals.

But even that won’t always be enough.

Soak in this glorious truth for a moment: Our deficiency is an opportunity for God to demonstrate His sufficiency. Our dependence allows God to prove Himself dependable.

Within ourselves, we don’t have what it takes to tackle life’s hardest challenges, but God has more than we need.

A passage in 2 Corinthians beautifully shows us how Paul depended on God to carry him when he couldn’t go on. Paul had encountered a situation in Asia so desperate, he saw no way out of it with his life (2 Corinthians 1:8). Yet, miraculously God delivered him.

When the situation was hopeless, Hope flooded in. And Paul learned utter dependence on the One who is utterly dependable (2 Corinthians 1:9-10). 

The passage reveals that God allowed this situation to happen so that Paul and his companions would learn to rely on God (2 Corinthians 1:9).

And Paul continued to depend on God. When God chose to leave the “thorn” in his life, Paul learned the sufficiency of God’s grace. In his weakest moments, God’s power was revealed.

Paul’s weakness became a stage for God’s strength.

God also wants us to trust Him with all the circumstances of our lives—including caring for our aging parents. He longs to show us He is trustworthy, reliable and powerful. So, how can we let go of independence and learn to depend on Him?

Let’s follow Paul’s example toward dependence in 2 Corinthians.

1. Reflect on God’s past provision.

Think about all the times in your past when God has worked. Remember the times He has comforted you, encouraged you, delivered you from danger, given you clear direction for the path ahead.

Reflecting on God’s past provision and faithfulness will strengthen your future trust in Him.

2. Contemplate the scope of God’s power.

Meditate a few moments on our powerful, almighty God. The God who created the universe is not weak or powerless. He heals the sick, raises the dead, and holds the stars in place.

He can provide what you need for your daily life. Even the hardest days of caregiving.

3. Sit quietly in God’s gracious presence.

The same God who spoke the world into existence is the same God who delivered Paul. And He is the same God who longs to fill you with His grace and strength.

Linger with Him today. Ask Him to give you an awareness of His presence with you.

When we depend on Him, our caregiving role is a chance for God to demonstrate His strength in our lives. Paul expressed this truth:

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me" (2 Corinthians 12:8-9).

Caring for our parents provides ample opportunity for God’s power to work in our weakness. For God to show Himself worthy of our dependence.

Depend on Him today.

What are some other ways you can purposefully work to foster dependence on God for caregiving today?

Kathy Howard, a Bible teacher and former “cultural Christian,” now lives an unshakeable faith for life and encourages other women to also embrace real, authentic faith. Kathy is author of 8 books, including “30 Days of Hope When Caring for Aging Parents” (May 2018). Get free discipleship helps on her website: www.KathyHoward.org.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Unclelkt at Pixabay.

Upgrade Your Fall by Falling into Him

Engaging and wise, Morgan Farr writes about biblical womanhood, homemaking and Christian living. She wants women to fall in love with the Lord. In this Spiritual Life UPGRADE, she helps us deal with things that feel out of our control.

“The season of fall is a beautiful thing,” Morgan says. “The falling feeling of failure isn’t.”

Oh, I (Dawn) know that feeling. It's like spiraling down a deep hole and wondering if I'll ever get to the surface again!

Morgan continues . . .

If you’ve been in the grocery stores recently you might have noticed that celebrating fall is in full swing.  Although the first day of fall isn’t until September 22, if you are anything like me you have probably already started decorating for the what is arguably the best season all year round. 

I recently moved from North Carolina where the spectacle of the changing seasons were just breathtaking.

There is something majestic about watching the sun break through the morning mist and sprinkle the multicolored leaves with golden light. When the show starts, I watch the leaves fall to the ground and I admire the patterns, colors, and shapes.

My boys are even picking up on the tradition, bringing me leaves with interesting marks or of notable size.  

Most people associate fall with gratitude, family, and just general warm feelings, and I think that is fabulous. Fall is definitely the time when I can see God everywhere I look. When the maroon, orange, and brown decorations come out I want to remember that the original idea behind these hues came from God. His conglomerate of rust tones and golden yellows are just a glimpse of His incredible power and provision.

As a military wife, I can tell you that I cling to the idea of God’s authority in all things.

Oftentimes this life comes with things beyond my control, things that make me feel like one of the leaves falling uncontrolled from the sky.  

This year I am going to fight against that falling feeling by remembering three things: 

1. I need a Christ-centered community to help with the falling feeling! 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says,

“Two people are better than one because together they have a good reward for their hard work. If one falls, the other can help his friend get up. But how tragic it is for the one who is all alone when he falls.There is no one to help him get up. Again, if two people lie down together, they can keep warm, but how can one person keep warm? Though one person may be overpowered by another, two people can resist one opponent. A triple-braided rope is not easily broken.”

We need to be in regular and constant community with fellow believers in order to help one another when that falling feeling comes around.

I am not talking about going to a brick and mortar ”church” building. I mean that we need an Ekklesia—a gathering of true believers dedicated to growing in Christ Jesus.

We need a community that will call one another out in our sins, pray for us in our tribulations, and encourage us in our daily walk.  

2. God is there when I feel that falling feeling!

“I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the LORD helped me. The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation” (Psalm 118:13-14).

God knows when things are hard.

He understands the frustration of my two year old’s tantrums and the exhaustion of my one year old that won't sleep through the night. He knows when I feel like I am falling, failing, and need His help.

All I have to do is lean into Him. He will give me strength to endure the current trials and to stand firm before them.

3. God will pick me up when I do fall!

Psalm 145:14 says, “The LORD helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads.”

Sometimes I will fall, that is the reality of living in a sinful and broken world. However, that isn’t the end.

Failure is not the end of the story.

Each year the trees shed the old leaves to make way for the new ones. God knows the load I carry, the burden that I am under. When I stumble, Christ can make something wonderful out of every fall. I only have to allow Him to do so.

The fall season is my favorite time of year because it helps me to remember to focus on the important things.

It's true. Oftentimes this life comes with things beyond our control. Fight against that "falling" feeling.

What can you do this year to help you remember God is there during your falling feelings? How can you help those around you when they feel like they are falling?

Morgan Farr is an Army wife currently stationed in San Diego, California. with her wonderful husband Brian and their two sons. Morgan is a homemaker who dedicates her free time to ministering to other military wives through Bible studies, food, and physical training. Morgan writes about her transition out of feminism and into biblical womanhood at The Forgiven Former Feminist and you can find her fitness training and nutrition programs at Farr Functional Fitness.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Graham-H, Pixabay.