7 Steps to Resolve Conflict (Hint: It Takes Humility!)

Susan K. Stewart is a practical gal with a lot of wisdom. In this Relationships UPGRADE, she shares important, biblical steps to resolving relationship conflicts.

"'Not again. How many times can he preach on this subject? Who is it stirring up trouble now?' Those were my thoughts," Susan said, "when I read the sermon title: 'Resolution: The Matthew Solution.'"

Like Susan, I (Dawn) have been uncomfortable in church, wincing with the pinch of a convicting message and wishing the pastor would move on to a less painful topic. Or at least, preach it to someone else! It took me a long time to understand it was really the Spirit of God tugging at my own heart.

Susan continues . . .

A recent undercurrent of discontent infected our congregation. That is often a problem in groups of people We are, after all, sinful humans who happen to be saved by grace. Conflict among Christians should not be a surprise.

“How will he admonish us this week?”

I had developed a terrible attitude about the whole situation. I sat trying to be attentive for that grain of truth God had for me.

Somehow I missed it.

During the following week, God led me to the book of James. I focused on James 4:7-10.

My heart opened to what should have been a no brainer, clear steps to resolving conflict.

1. Submit to God

No matter the circumstances, submit to God. Ask for his wisdom to see the truth, not the colored viewpoint of humans.

Be willing to follow him, wherever it may lead.

2. Resist the devil

As we submit to God, we resist the devil. But the attacks will continue during the peacemaking process.

Satan wants to convince us that we aren’t at fault. He says following God’s way is troublesome, a lot of work, and a hindrance to the outcome we want. As humans, what we want is peace at all cost and to look like the peacemaker.

3. Draw near to God

The more we resist the devil, the closer we move to God. As we move closer thim, the better able we can resist the devil.

The closer we are to God, the more we will be able to remove our own desires and submit to God’s.

4. Cleanse your hands

Here’s where the rubber starts to screech along the road.

What? Me, the sinner? We’ve become ingrained with the truth in Matthew 18: go to the one who has sinned against you. Instead when there’s a clash, we should be looking at our own sin.

“First take the log out of your own eye” (Matthew 7:5 NASB). We need to face our own sin before we confront anyone else’s.

5. Purify your heart

Is the goal of conflict resolution to make everyone happy? Or is it reconciliation with God?

To approach a solution to the friction, our own hearts need to be clean. This is done by seeking to please God, not other people.

Not everyone will be happy, but God will be delighted.

6. Be miserable and mourn and weep

Sin is the root of the strife and we should be saddened and repentant.

As we submit to God’s authority and purify our hearts, we come to realize how destructive our own sin is in the conflict.

7. Humble yourself

Humility isn’t weakness; it is the opposite of pride.

How often is pride the sin at the heart of discord? Humility is the admission we can do nothing on our own.

When pride takes hold, we think we have the solution to any problem. But only God is the true peacemaker.

Don’t worry; you’ll have an opportunity to put these steps into practice.

The next time conflict resolution is the topic of a sermon, article or conversation, remember James’ steps to peacemaking.

Resolve the strife in yourself, and then you will be prepared to help others.

Is there a conflict in your life? How will you follow James’s steps to resolve it?

Susan K. Stewart—when she’s not tending chickens and peacocks—teaches, writes and edits non-fiction. Her passion is to inspire readers with practical, real-world solutions. Susan's books include Science in the Kitchen, Preschool: At What Cost? and the award-winning Formatting e-Books for Writers. Learn more about Susan at www.practicalinspirations.com

3 Secrets for Cultivating Humility

Kathy Collard Miller is an author and speaker who encourages women to apply practical principles from the Word of God. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she explores some ways to cultivate humility.

"A lot of us think humility means debasing ourselves," Kathy said, "but being humble actually means acknowledging what God has done in our lives."

This is so refreshing! I (Dawn) have heard so many weak and unbiblical descriptions of humility. But Kathy is right on target.

Kathy continues . . .

The Greek word for humility originally was used by writers to communicate something negative: “groveling” or “abject.” But the Apostle Paul came along and turned it into God’s perspective.

Here’s how to cultivate humility.

1. Think rightly of yourself.

True humility is not thinking low of oneself but thinking “right.”

Romans 12:3 tells us God’s perspective: “For through the grace given to me I say to every man among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.”

Author Warren Wiersbe wrote, “The truly humble person yields himself to Christ to be a servant, to use what he is and has for the glory of God and the good of others.”

2. Give credit to God.

God has given you strengths, gifts and talents, and if you reject them, you are rejecting God’s provisions.

Humility means giving credit to God.

And yes, each person has weaknesses. Humility acknowledges the need to receive God’s help to correct those weaknesses.

A word picture I heard years ago helps me. Sometimes a turtle shell can be found balanced on a fence post in the yards of Mid-western towns. No one believes that turtle climbed up there himself. No, he was placed there. You and I are like that turtle.

God places us in service whether it’s called parenting, employment, ministry, volunteering or listening. It’s His doing and we can acknowledge His work in us.

3. Be inspired by Jesus’ surrender.

The Apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 2:5-8 that the basis of humility is the surrender Jesus exemplified:

“Have this attitude in yourself which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bondservant, and being made in the likeness of men. He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

Most likely none of us will be called to develop humility by dying for Christ’s sake, but the more we are willing to be misunderstood, maligned, gossiped about, or face any other difficulty will reveal and develop our surrender—from which springs humility.

Which of those three insights would you like to concentrate on so that humility can be stronger in your life?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Visit her website/blog and discover more about her speaking ministry here. Kathy has authored more than 200 magazine articles and more than 50 books, including Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries and Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today. Her newest book is Choices of the Heart, a Bible study, available here.

Mirror Graphic adapted - 18th century vermeil mirror in the Musee des Arts decoratifs, Strasbourg ... By Gryffindor - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=5242020.

Turtle Graphic adapted - from the Oklahoma Ark Museum Blog.

Upgrading Your 'Pinterest Perfect' Christmas Season

Morgan Farr is a young, highly-motivated wife and mom and her passion to help women build physical, emotional and spiritual strength makes me smile. In this unique Christmas UPGRADE, Morgan shares a personal story that changed her perspective.

Morgan says, "As a new mom and a recovering perfectionist, I was in search of a 'Pinterest perfect' Christmas season until God reminded me of what really matters."

I (Dawn) have felt that pressure to be "perfect" at Christmas. Haven't you? That pressure does not make for peace! Thank the Lord, there's a better way.

Morgan continues . . .  

Normally, Christmas is a beautiful time. The music, the juxtaposition of the red and green—it just gives a warm and delicious feeling.

This time last year was an especially beautiful time of the year for me because our first son, William, was born. It was such a sweet and lovely time.

But this year is a little different. I recently learned:

God will humble us exactly where we need it—even during the holiday seasons.  

Let me set the stage for you. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with our second son, Henry, and I have been experiencing some morning sickness.

Recently, I was getting ready for my group of ladies to come to my home for Bible study and some holiday festivities.

Now, I should clarify that I like for my home to be spotless when the ladies arrive. I color coordinate for the season we are in, I have coffee and tea available, and I always have some kind of little snack for the ladies as well.

On this particular morning, my son needed a diaper change. As I changed him, I got hit with a horrible bout of morning sickness. I left my son clean but naked on the floor as I ran to the sink to be sick.

I didn’t quite make it.

Instead I was sick on my son, on the floor, on part of the wall and the snacks that I made for my ladies.

My son proceeded to play in the mess, and then grab onto my leg with his dirty little hand. So my outfit was ruined, the snacks were ruined, and my son was crawling around the house naked smearing vomit on the floor. My husband came downstairs to help and all I could get out was a strained, “catch the baby!”  

My friends were so understanding when they arrived, yet I was irritated I had ruined our holiday festivities. And that is when God humbled me. He used this gross little episode to teach me what is important in the holiday season. Yes, God used morning sickness and a toddler to teach me the meaning of Christmas.

This is what I learned: 

1) We have to recognize that it is all about Jesus.

The Christmas season isn’t about the wrapping paper. It doesn’t matter that I have a beautiful centerpiece on my table if I let people leave our Christmas party without the knowledge that Jesus is their Savior. Without Him, they are bound for hell (Matthew 25:46).

The Christmas story isn’t awesome because of the story itself, but rather for the story that follows 33 years later when that little baby grew up and died on the cross for us.    

2) We have to recognize that it can’t be perfect. 

Until we are reunited with God in heaven, nothing here can be perfect.

Jesus was born in a manger, and it's not the pretty scenes you see in yards during the holiday season. He spent his first two years in Egypt hiding from Herod who wanted to kill him. Not pretty.

No amount of red, green, and gold at the holiday season will cover up the reality that we live in a world of sin, and this world is temporary (2 Corinthians 4:18).

3) We have to recognize that God loves us anyway.

God doesn’t love us because we are perfect. The fact is, we aren’t.

God loves us because of what His one and only Son did for us (Galatians 1:4). When Christ died and rose from the dead, He defeated Satan and his evil plans for the world. Through Christ’s death and resurrection, we have been invited into the Kingdom as a child of God.

Oh, how much He loves us!

God used a toddler, morning sickness and a Bible study to remind me of the point of this holiday season.

What about you? What things do you need to let go of to keep focused on Jesus during this holiday season?

Morgan Farr is an Army wife currently stationed at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, with her wonderful husband Brian. They currently have two children, one-year-old William, and Henry, who they will welcome in April. Morgan is a homemaker who dedicates her free time to ministering to other Army wives through Bible studies, one-on-one interactions and physical training. She writes about her transition out of feminism and into biblical womanhood on her blog, The Forgiven Former Feminist. You can find her thoughts on fitness, health and training programs on her other blog,  Farr Functional Fitness.  

Graphic adapted from a photo at Pixabay.