Inaccurate Perceptions & Faulty Assumptions

It's always fun to see how Kolleen Lucariello's mind works. She takes interesting life experiences and makes them "speak" God's truth into our lives. In this Spiritual Growth UPGRADE, she shares a story about trees and what she overlooked concerning their care.

"I’ve never had much of a ‘green-thumb'," Kolleen says. "I will admit that recently my eyes have been green with envy when I’ve witnessed what Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary defines as an “unusual ability to make plants grow.”

I (Dawn) have always joked that I have a "black thumb." I try, but I fail. Kolleen shares a possible reason for my failing, and makes a deeper application.

Kolleen continues . . .

Something tells me that if Merriam-Webster had a definition that read “an unusual ability to plant-it-and-forget-it,” I think you’d find my name.

Whatever I plant must be strong enough to survive with little care.

Do you remember the Ronco Rotisserie Grill‘s infomercial slogan? “Set it and forget it!” That is harmonious with the poor plants I acquire—I set them and forget them. 

That’s what happened to two pine trees we planted over twenty years ago.

We planted them within a small fenced-in pool area and never showed them another moment of care; they were left to fend for themselves.

The pine trees were never trimmed, pruned, or fertilized.

Actually, we never realized they were supposed to be trimmed and pruned until years later when a friend mentioned it.

Many advised us to remove them. Advice we ignored. 

The trees became the topic of conversation when our son brought his family to stay for the summer, and he suggested it was time to remove them. Suddenly, we had the opportunity to put years of talk into action.

Just like that—we didn’t know what to do.  

• I was hesitant. After all, they had been there for over 20 years.
• I was nervous. How would removing them impact the appearance of that little area?
• I felt guilty. My mother insinuated I was a tree killer.

But, after weeks of polling anyone willing to offer an opinion, we took the risk and pulled them out.

What a surprise we found! Once sections of the fence had been removed, it was obvious that what we’d seen with our eyes was different than what was actually happening within the tree.

What we believed was a healthy tree was actually a tree that had split into sections with only a bit of green on the end of the branches. Leaving bare, scraggly, ugly branches clutching to the trunk.

As I stood and watched the trees come down that day, I was struck by how inaccurate my perception had been about the health of the trees. All these years, I had a faulty assumption based solely on the outer appearance.

It can be easy to forget that what I spy with my little eye isn’t always as it appears. 

For example:

• We thought the trees were fine even though we never took time to inspect them.

In similar fashion, we like to give the perception that everything is “fine” even when it’s not.

How many times have you replied, “I’m fine,” when the truth was you were in such turmoil within that it took all of your strength to get out of bed that day?

Upon further inspection, it became apparent you were not fine. 

• We failed to recognize the reliance the trees had come to place upon the fence.

Removing the fence around the trees caused us to realize the trees had become reliant upon the fence for added support.

We run the risk of becoming a bit unstable whenever we attach ourselves to the wrong support system.

• We never gave the trees the proper care and attention they needed.

If we had attended to the trees over the years by pruning and trimming them, they would have grown into healthy trees.

The life of a follower of Christ is one of trimming and pruning, too. It’s how we remain healthy. 

Three important Upgrades

1. Become authentic in your struggles.

Jesus told us the truth sets people free (John 8:32), and we fulfill the law of Christ when we bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).

If you’re not fine, please tell someone you trust. 

2. Choose your support system wisely.

God reminded the Israelites numerous times, “it was I who”... brought... delivered... rescued... destroyed. God was their support.

He expects to be ours too. 

3. Understand your need for the proper care.

God is the Ultimate Gardener.

The Lord trims, prunes and shapes us as only He can.

If we’re going to become the person God intended, then we must allow the Gardner to do the necessary work. He prunes to produce the fruit He’s looking for—not the fruit of our preference or according to our liking, but His (John 15:1-9). 

The trees are gone and we like the change. However, I regret that our lack of awareness led to our failure to maintain them properly. If we had, they might have survived.

I suppose this is a lesson for us, too. Caring for one another properly involves: inspection, recognition, and attention; and that leads to growth!

Who can you attend to today?

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book, The ABC's of Who God Says I Am; and as a speaker, she speaks into women's lives "one letter at a time." Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She's a mother of three married children and Mimi to six incredible grandkids. For more information about Kolleen, visit her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Rondell Melling at Pixabay.

Quarantine, Cameras and Accountability

Kolleen Lucariello—winsome and wise—speaks truth into women's lives while challenging them to live a joy-filled life. In this Accountability UPGRADE, she encourages us to accept responsibility and move closer to our identity in the Lord.Kolleen says, “I realized the COVID-19 crisis was beginning to cause a Kolleen crisis when I detected fear and frustration were expanding through loneliness, boredom and inactivity.”

I (Dawn) have had a few "Dawn crises" over my lifetime, and they usually came when I tried to face tough things alone or make excuses for my failures. Not a good idea, as Kolleen explains.

Kolleen continues . . .

When the quarantine took over daily life, I was invited to join a ZOOM exercise class led by my friend Chrissy’s daughter. Having never experienced a class like this one, and craving interaction with others, I decided to give it a try.

The first class was …well… it wasn’t exactly an attractive display of technique, as I became painfully aware of my lack of ability. 

Truth-be-told, I was a bit intimidated by those in her class who were far more advanced than I. When Chrissy told me she participates with her camera “off,” a great sense of relief washed over me.

When I signed in to the next class, before one stretch began, I turned the camera to “off” and felt the freedom to do my thing.

After a few weeks of participation, I began to recognize a poor pattern had developed in my effort within the class.

While I could see Rachel, the instructor, she could not see me.

I was hidden behind my photo on her screen rather than a live-video feed. There were moments when, while she was encouraging her class to “hold it for just four more counts,” I was allowing excuses to fill my mind for why I was unable to do what she was asking.

I can tell you, every excuse was valid:

• My hands and wrists hurt immensely.
• I am not as fit as I used to be, nor am I as strong as I once was.
• My legs shake.
• My core is weak.
• When she asks me to pull my belly button in, it’s nearly impossible for me to convince my rebellious belly button to surrender itself to my effort.
• The hour I spend in class is difficult.
• It is uncomfortable.
• It also requires effort and a willingness to push through all discomfort. Some days I don’t.

During one particularly arduous class, I laid on the floor for a good portion of the leg workout listening to my body expound on the reasons for its protests. The excuses for its inability to commit to the workout seemed reasonable.

Finally, the discomfort within my body held a greater sway over any disappointment I would feel by quitting.

With my camera off, no one could see what I was—or was not—doing.

As I lay on the floor, listening rather than doing, I became aware of how susceptible we become to old habits and mindsets when accountability is lacking.

Without the accountability of Rachel being able to see me, it became quite easy for me to give a less-than-my-best-effort. She encourages the class to “get lower” or “push through the discomfort,” confirming to us that she understands our legs are shaking and the work is hard, but she’s pushing us to not give up because she recognizes growth, strength and change come through persistent effort.  

With accountability defined by Merriam-Webster as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions,” it seems impossible to deny accountability, when used correctly, is a gift to us—prompting change and growth. After all, don’t we have an obligation to accept responsibility for our own actions?

Accountability brings upgrade when we find ourselves willing to allow a trusted friend or mentor to help us see areas in our life where we’ve permitted excuses and blame to keep us from accepting responsibility.

How Does Accountability Help Us?

1. Our faith takes on a new form of growth when we become accountable to one another.

This means we allow someone to see what is behind the camera.

While it is tempting to share only the highlight reel of our lives rather than expose our difficulties, this creates an illusion that “all is well” when in reality, it might not be.

2. Our faith is strengthened when we acknowledge our need to pull from the wisdom God has put within others.

Solomon wrote,

“Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5 NLT).

When you perceive the wisdom of God in someone—draw it out!

Listen when they say, “I understand your world is shaking right now” or “I know this hard, but you can do it!”

3. Accountability stands guard against the bad habits that continue to haunt us and then shame us, but it requires courage.

Accepting responsibility truly is a gift that moves us closer to our true identity in Christ.

Proverbs 19:20 says,

“Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life” (NLT).

It’s time for me to turn the camera on! This will allow Rachel to see where I am weak and struggling—right now—but will also allow her to point out where she sees strength and growth.

What about you? Is your camera set to off? Perhaps you’d find more freedom if it was on.

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book, The ABC's of Who God Says I Am; and as a speaker, she speaks into women's lives "one letter at a time." Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She's a mother of three married children and Mimi to six incredible grandkids. For more information about Kolleen, visit her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of StockSnap at Pixabay.

When 'NO' Costs You EVERYTHING

Kolleen Lucariello is a funny, practical, godly woman. I've learned much from her posts and insights. In this Character UPGRADE, she points us to a woman worth emulating—and it's not the woman you might think.

"She said no. She was a defiant wife who had disrespected her husband in front of a bunch of influential men," Kolleen said."I assumed I knew all I needed to know about her."

I (Dawn) appreciate Kolleen's thoughts about this "defiant wife." She's the often-overlooked woman in another woman's story—but she had character and dignity. Her defiance was likely a product of caution and discernment.

Kolleen continues . . .

I’d skim over this wife's part in the story of Esther because that’s what I’ve always been taught. My assumptions would be challenged when I saw her name this time, causing me to pause and consider the woman who said no. 

Queen Vashti, the beautiful wife of King Xerxes, said no.  

She was married to a man who loved power, praise and partying, and referred to himself as, “Xerxes the Great” and “king of kings.” 

In the first chapter of the book of Esther, we read about the party he hosted lasting 180 days. His motive for gathering the powerful leaders from around his empire may have been to bring consolidation and gain political support. 

What better way than to accomplish this than to display the wealth of his kingdom. King Xerxes liked to show off his possessions.

One was his queen, Vashti, who was a very beautiful woman (Esther 1:11). During this time in history, she really was just a possession. Some suggest Vashti may have been the daughter of another king Xerxes had formed an alliance with.

She was his trophy wife. 

Following his big bash, the king hosted a banquet for all of the people in Susa, which lasted for seven days (Esther 1:5). During this banquet, Queen Vashti was hosting her own party for the ladies of the land in the royal palace.  

As we read in the first chapter of Esther, the drinks were plentiful, and each man could drink what he wished (1:8). Can you imagine? Seven straight days of binge drinking? 

Then, on the seventh day, when the king’s heart was “merry with wine” (1:10), he summoned his beautiful wife, Vashti, to come “to him with the royal crown on her head. He wanted the nobles and all the other men to gaze on her beauty, for she was a very beautiful woman” (Esther 1:11, NLT). 

And then it happened.  

She refused his invitation.  

When I stop to consider the circumstances, I wonder:

• Was she being obstinate? 
• Was her intent to dishonor and disrespect her husband? 
• Or was there more to the story? 

Imagine yourself in a room full of drunken men and you are the center of attention.

The men in the room may not have dared to touch her—she was, after all, the queen. But they were drunk.

Perhaps her no was a refusal to be exploited.

Perhaps it was to avoid the risk of being undressed—even with just their eyes.  

Or was her no intended to protect her husband from the shame of what could happen. 

Yes, her denial would have embarrassed the king; however, her denial also may have protected his reputation. 

And let’s not forget, she was busy! She was in the middle of hosting her own party.  

Rather than disregard Vashti’s no, perhaps there is something we can learn from it. 

Does God want us to be honoring and respectful? Absolutely. But perhaps we say yes when He knows we should say no.

God has granted us the freedom to say no to any person, place or thing that would bring dishonor to Him—or us.

The truth is, our no might be the motivation God uses to spare another from a horrible tumble into sin. It also could be the catalyst He uses to bring about His plan and purpose.

Vashti’s no opened the door for Esther. 

Without the necessary no, we may find ourselves: 

• Overcommitted. 
• Trapped in toxic relationships.  
• Overburdened financially. 
• And yes, left with shame and guilt.   

It’s quite probable that we fail to speak our no because we fear what it might cost us.

I don’t deny a no can be costly; Vashti’s no cost her everything. She lost her position as queen.

But, what if—in that moment of decision for Vashti—she recognized that her worth did not come from her position as wife to the king of kings? 

She knew she was royalty. Maybe, that’s what gave her the strength she needed to say no to his request.  

Now, what if—in every moment of indecision we face—we recognize we too are royalty and our worth comes from the TRUE King of Kings. Would that give us the strength to say “no” to what God would consider inappropriate or offensive? 

Your worth is never dependent on opinion, social status, family genealogy or your bank account. Your worth is found through your identity in Jesus Christ.  

You are royalty!

We are royalty because we are daughters of God! 

“But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12, NLT); and since we are His children, we are His "heirs" (Romans 8:17).  

Never be afraid to shout your no as you live to glorify the King of Kings. 

Regardless of the cost.  

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of thesoon-to-be-released #beYOU: Change Your Identity One Letter at a Time. Koleen is also Co-director of the women's ministry, Activ8Her: helping women to build confidence in leadership, become courageous in our faith, and create connection in relationship. Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She's a mother of three married children and Mimi to six incredible grandkids. For more information about Kolleen, visit her website or activ8her.org.

Painting: "Vashti Refuses the King's Summons" by Edwin Long.

Trust the Blueprints

Kolleen Lucariello speaks into women's lives in engaging, practical ways. In this Relationship with God UPGRADE, she envisions God as a faithful Contractor, accomplishing His purposes in our lives.

"Sometimes full understanding remains a mystery until the contractor completes the work," Kolleen says. "When you can’t fully catch the vision—you watch, wait, and trust the one with the blueprints."

I (Dawn) have studied blueprints before. They can be so complicated! I've wished I could crawl inside a contractor's mind to figure out what he sees sometimes that I'm not seeing.

Kolleen continues . . .

Every summer our house undergoes a little upgrade. This year, a simple front step soon became a front-porch-walkway-landscaping project for my husband and I, filling our front yard with piles of dirt and sand, black tarps, pavers and lumber.

“I can’t wait to see it finished,” our daughter commented during one visit, “It’s going to look so nice.”

The next comment came from our five-year-old granddaughter: “I can’t wait to see it finished, cause then I will finally understand what you are doing.”  

What seemed obvious to us was not to her.

I can relate. Don’t tell her, but I’ve been confused by some of her art projects, too. Some projects only make sense to the one with the plan.

I agree with her. It’s not always easy to catch the vision until the project is complete. I share the same limitations and I find myself struggling to understand when seasons of difficulty hammer away.

I find myself trying to catch the vision for God’s plan every time life becomes paved with blinding unknowns and overwhelming struggles. This is when I admit  “I can’t wait to see this finished, Lord, because then perhaps, I will understand what You are doing.”

Well, I hope to understand, or it might be—"Please, Lord help me understand"

Years ago, we lost our brother-in-law in a car accident.

I became angry with God for what I perceived as unfair and unjust. I didn’t really care to have understanding about what God was doing; I thought He was just being cruel.

I recognize now how God used this tragedy to lead my husband and I to understand our need for salvation. What might have destroyed our faith, God used to cement it instead.

Several years later, we lost a very close friend in another car accident.

The loss was devastating for us, but we knew God as a Contractor was able to build something good out of the destruction.

When the pain was great I found myself repeating, “I can’t wait to see the good at the end of this, God, because right now, I don’t understand the why behind what just happened.”

I would remind myself of what I knew to be true about God:

• You know the end from the beginning (Isaiah 46:10).
• You are deeply concerned about us, and are able to turn this bad into something good (Romans 8:28).

Unlike the first time, I didn’t get mad at Him. I didn’t turn bitter.

I refused the invitation to believe God was cruel.

I just imagined my head on His chest while I wept—grateful that He understood my heartbreak, and that I now understood His comfort.

Life is unpredictable. Perhaps this is why the Psalmist reminds us to put our trust in, and reliance on the Lord, rather than relying on our own insight and understanding (Proverbs 3:5).

With my hazy insight and limited understanding, trusting in—while relying on—Jesus is the only option that offers me any peace when life becomes unsettled. After all, He promised that in Him we would have perfect peace; but He also forewarned us of tribulation, distress and suffering, too.

“Be courageous,” He said. “I have overcome the world” (John 16:13).  

Jesus is predictable when life is not. 

God is the Contractor who began a glorious work within you, and He’s the One who will faithfully continue the process of building you into His likeness—adding a few finishing touches here and there (Philippians 1:6).

When you lack understanding, trust the Lord as you do three things.

1. Rejoice that He sees you.  

“I will rejoice and be glad in Your steadfast love, because You have seen my affliction; You have taken note of my life’s distresses” (Psalms 31:7 AMP).

Your distress has been noted!

2. Focus your thoughts.

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you” (Isaiah 26:3 NLT).

3. Find rest.

Jesus said,

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28 NLT).

Unload your troubles onto Him.

Sometimes you need to patiently wait, watch the process, and trust something good can come from the mess you’re staring at now.

Even when you don’t understand His vision.

Where in your life are you struggling to understand what God is doing? How can you trust God's "blueprint" for your life and find rest, peace and even joy in Him?

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book, The ABC's of Who God Says I Am; and as a speaker, she speaks into women's lives "one letter at a time." Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She's a mother of three married children and Mimi to five incredible grandkids—with one more on the way! For more information about Kolleen, visit her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Classically Printed at Pixabay.

When Words (Should) Fail You

Kolleen Lucariello's unique personality is a gift from God. She sees life through a different lens than most people. I love how—in this Communication UPGRADE—Kolleen challenges us to choose our words carefully, especially when facing a friend in grief. "As soon as the words began to slip through my lips, I knew," Kolleen said.  

"In my attempt to say the right thing to the father whose 37-year-old daughter had just passed away—I had failed. The tension was immense."

Sometimes I (Dawn) feel like I'm part of a not-so-special "club" of people who say the wrong things or the right things at the wrong time—even when they mean well. Kolleen apparently joined that club. But she's learning how to choose her words wisely and biblically, and she has wise counsel for all of us. 

Kolleen continues . . .

My insides began to twist—as though a crank began to turn—followed by a conversation within my head.

“Kolleen, you need to apologize. Right now. Tell him you are sorry for asking an insensitive question.”

My apology was quick. Overcoming my embarrassment, however, was not. 

Some words are just better left unsaid.

But there have been occasions when words roll off my tongue because of a nervous-need-to-fill-the-silence moment.

Sometimes, they fall out because of an insensitive-I-didn’t-think-first moment. Thankfully, I-don’t-care moments happen less often than they used to. But, in my attempt to offer the right words at that moment I missed the mark.

It’s not always easy to find the right words in the heat of someone’s hard moment.

Just ask Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. They were three of Job’s friends who, in their desire to bring comfort to their friend, discovered their words had backfired.

Once known as the greatest, wealthiest, and most respected man in the east, Job had suffered through great loss (Job 1-2).

He was a changed man when his friends arrived that day. Sorrow and suffering can do that to you.

After hearing of his suffering, the three traveled to mourn with Job and comfort him (Job 2:11). When they arrived, their own grief took over when they found their friend unrecognizable (Job 2:12).

They did what good friends do.

They sat beside Job, and for seven days and seven nights no one said a word (Job 2:13). Silence. It’s a sacred, beautiful thing, but it can also be uncomfortable. Especially for someone who—like me—feels a heavy weight beneath too much silence.

When the sound of silence becomes too loud I, like Job’s friends, find myself speaking words out of uneasiness, rather than thought.  

This is when the “fixer” in me rushes in to save the day, and do away with silence. Let’s find the reason, discover the cause, and then move on to the remedy.

But the words chosen may have a lasting effect on the one with whom I sit—and on me.

When Job broke the silence, and began to speak out of his heartbreak, his friends responded out of their “anxious thoughts” (20:2).

• Eliphaz wanted Job to understand he was being disciplined for his sin. "Consider the joy of those corrected by God! Do not despise the discipline of the Almighty when you sin" (Job 5:17 NLT).
• Bildad wanted Job to repent. His “If you…” statements cast blame on the man God described to Satan as blameless (2:3).  “God will not cast away the blameless" (8:20). In other words, “You’re not so blameless after all, are you Job?”
• Zophar felt Job needed to be rebuked and reminded that God was punishing him far less than he deserved (11:6). Who needs to hear that when surrounded by sorrow and suffering.

     Bring an Upgrade to the Life of Someone Suffering   

1.  Job’s friends did not recognize him in his time of grief.

Job had lost everything but his wife, and he was covered in grief and boils.

You may not recognize your friend in their time of sorrow and suffering. Sit with them amid the silence without trying to fix anything.

2. Job explained his heartbreak.  

“If my misery could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales, they would outweigh all the sands of the sea. That is why I spoke impulsively” (Job 6:1, NLT).

Friends in the midst of sorrow and suffering may speak impulsively. Grief isn’t always expressed neatly, or nicely. Let them speak without patrolling their every word.

3. Don’t jump to conclusions on why this is happening.

Job said, “Stop assuming my guilt” (6:29).

Before Job entered into this test God described him as "blameless"—a man of complete integrity (Job 1:8).

At the end of the test, each friend had been rebuked by the Lord. Job was the only one God said spoke accurately of Him. In their need to fill the silence with opinion, the friends spoke inaccurate assumptions (Job 42:7).

“One should be kind to a fainting friend, but you accuse me without any fear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14, NLT).

When our friends feel faint because of grief and sorrow, they need our kindness and prayers. Don’t bring accusations, opinions or words to fill the silence.

Find comfort in the silence.  

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book, The ABC’s of Who God Says I Am and Co-Executive Director of Activ8Her, Inc. Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She’s a mother of three married children and Mimi to five incredible grandkids. She desires to help others find their identity in Christ, one letter at a time. Find out more about Kolleen here:

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Serena Wong at Pixabay.