Know the Marriage Code?

Pam Farrel knows how to encourage women (and her husband likewise encourages men). In this Marriage UPGRADE, Pam explains the "marriage code," and how understanding and applying it can transform marriage relationships.

"Codes are all around us and you need one to access just about everything that is important or sensitive," Pam says. "So, what is 'the marriage code'?"

I (Dawn) learned about this code—though I didn't call it that—at the beginning of my marriage. I can testify that the code God designed is a blessing, because it provides a healthy framework and perspective on this vital relationship.

Pam continues . . .  

What are the keys that unlock the potential in your love? They are found in Ephesians 5:33:

… each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Did you notice different commands are given to the husband and the wife?

The obvious question is, “Why?”

Why not just give general instructions that apply to both husbands and wives?

In our book, The Marriage Code, we point out there are diverse passwords that grant you access to the best parts of your relationship.

When this code is in place, your relationship appears to be relatively easy. The way you interact, love, argue, and make decisions is satisfying for you as a couple.

When the code is missing, all the systems of your relationship are awkward, your love for each other is elusive, and you seem to disagree on just about everything.

The marriage code is based on the most common needs that men and women have.

When you meet the key need in your mate’s heart, you move above the “line of trust” in your marriage, where life and love is sweet and satisfying.

However, you are very different from one another, and you have different needs at the core of who you are.

HER Code

The password that will give a man access to his wife’s heart is: Security.

Security is the priority core need in a woman’s life. Because of hormones, a woman’s life is always changing. A husband wins at love when he makes it his ambition to meet his wife’s security need first in all things.

Any time she gets the message from him, “You are safe with me, and it is alright to be who you are right now,” her heart is drawn toward him and she relaxes in the relationship.

HIS Code

The password that will give a woman access to her husband’s heart is: Success.

She does this when she makes it her ambition to create an environment where her husband can succeed at work, with the kids, at church, in the community—and especially with her! 

Any time he gets the message from her, “I love the way you live, and I love the way you love me,” his heart is drawn toward her and he gains confidence in the relationship.

Your Marriage MEET UP

For over 40 years, Bill and I have had a weekly Marriage Meet Up.

• This regular meeting keeps us pulling in the same direction together.
• It also helps us stay connected emotionally and spiritually.

The Meet Ups keep the A.H.A. in our relationship.

1. A - Attitudes

We begin and end with prayer and scripture, so the Holy Spirit has room to work on us on as individuals and as a couple.  

2. H - Habits

The weekly Marriage Meet Ups include practical routines of matching calendars, talking through financials, tasks, To Do lists, and dividing up responsibilities.

3. A - Affection

We bookend the marriage meet ups with compliments and affirmations.

We thank each other for something we are grateful for in the past week, and at the end we affirm one another and speak life-giving affirmations on a trait or action we saw expressed in the meeting.

When you apply the Marriage Code, your weekly Marriage Meet Ups will go smoother if he enters feeling successful and she enters feeling secure.

Cozy up and make a date where you each finish these sentences:

Husband to the wife:

Honey, the things you say and do that help me feel most successful are . . . 

Wife to the husband:

Honey, the things you say and do that make me feel most secure are . . . 

Keep the A.H.A. in YOUR marriage!

What day and time can you and your mate meet up each week?

Pam Farrel is an international speaker, relationship expert, and the author of more than 50 books including their newest, Marriage Meet Ups: A His and Her set, 52 week devotional planner for couples that want purpose, passion and productivity. To go into the meet up happier,  download your free copy of Infectious Joy! Pam and her husband, Bill, Co-Direct Love-Wise Ministries. They invite you to become a member of the Living Love-Wise Community.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Maura Barbulescu at Pixabay.

Photo of Bill and Pam by Rebecca Friedlander.

3 Ways to Recapture Your Husband's Heart

Pastor's wife and author Cindi McMenamin encourages women in their walk with God and relationships, and in this Marriage UPGRADE she offers wives a good challenge for Valentine'sDay—and every day.

Cindi asks, “Do you ever wish you could turn back the clock, erase the baggage, and have your husband see you the way he once did?”

That question struck home hard with me (Dawn) when I read it. Physically, I've been working on my health, weight and appearance, and it makes me smile that my husband has taken notice! But I've also wondered during my Quiet Times with the Lord, "Is there something in my spirit that has changed (for the worse) since our marriage?" Cindi has good insight for me... and all of us.

Cindi continues . . .

I’ll never forget the day I was cleaning through my top dresser drawer and found a treasure.

I almost threw out the stack of aged, yellowed papers, weathered by time and slightly torn on the edges. When I unfolded the papers and read through them, I instantly realized why I’d kept them all those years.

They were love letters from my husband—written nearly 30 years ago—that included phrases like these:

• “I love you beyond expression.”
• “You complete me like no other.”
• “I love you desperately.”

As I read through them, my eyes teared up.

And then my heart dropped.

I haven’t had a letter like this from him in years.

All of the letters dated back to the first few years that we were married. And they all described the captivating woman he saw me as—the woman I had hoped in my heart of hearts that I still was.

How I would have loved to believe that I hadn’t changed a bit through the years. How easy it would have been to believe that he was the one who had become distant, more critical, less interested and less passionate than he was the day we married.

It was a little tougher to put that magnifying glass up to myself and ask if I was the one who let resentments build up or baggage get in the way.

I realized if I was to be the cherished wife who receives another letter like that one day, I would have to BECOME that woman my husband wrote to so many years ago.

Here are a few of the steps I took to remove the baggage, rebuild love, and recapture my husband’s heart. And I am confident they can work for you, too.

1. RESPOND to Him Like a New Wife.

When I asked myself what it was I was doing to make my husband write letters to me like he once did, the answer was simple: I was responding to him like a new bride. 

Remember when you were a brand new bride?

• You couldn’t wait until the two of you got off work so you could be together again.
• You constantly checked your voicemail messages to see if he had called during the day.
• You had a special sparkle in your eyes when you talked of him and a spring in your step when you walked alongside him.

What would it take to get back that loving feeling for him?

If you’re waiting for him to do something different, I guarantee he will when YOU start responding to him like you once did when you were a brand new bride.  

2. REFRAME What You Say to Him.

Most of the baggage in marriage comes from words the two of you have said to one another.

Careless words. Accusing words. Hurtful words.

Many times we didn’t even intend for those words to sound the way they did. That’s why we must learn to reframe what we say to our husbands.

Ephesians 4:29 instructs us to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

So, instead of saying, “Are you going to wear THAT to dinner?”—say instead, “I’d love it if you’d wear that new shirt you look great in.”

And instead of saying, “Why don’t we go out on dates anymore?”—try instead, “I miss spending time alone with you.”

Ask yourself, before the words exit your mouth, “Am I saying this in a way that will encourage him?”

3. REFUSE to Dwell on the Negatives!

Every married couple has experienced wounds that are best left in the past.

Negative thoughts and memories of old wounds may assault you at times, but don’t let them run rampant in your mind.

Instead, practice 2 Corinthians 10:5, which instructs us to “take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Capture that thought and kill it.

And then remember why you fell in love with your husband in the first place.

• Was it his tenderness?
• The way he made you laugh?
• His dependability and faithfulness no matter what the circumstance?

Focus on his positive qualities—even ones that you believe are no longer there—and you just might start noticing them again.

Which of these three steps can you begin taking today to recapture the heart of your husband?

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 16 books who has been married 30 years to a  pastor and introvert. Her newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, released Feb. 1 from Harvest House Publishers. For more on her resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Alexas Fotos at Pixabay.