The Happy Truth about Valentine's Day

In this Valentine's Day UPGRADE, we can upgrade our understanding of this holiday—what it is and why we celebrate it, and whether Christians should happily take part. First, a little history lesson, and then some positive encouragement.

     What Is the Origin of Valentine’s Day?

I debated a man once concerning Valentine’s Day. “So what’s with Christians and Valentine’s Day,” he said. “Why celebrate a pagan holiday?”

To be honest, I stumbled around with my answers. I really didn’t know much about the celebration’s background, and the theories I put forth were woefully weak. Later, I decided to study it out; and maybe what I discovered will help you too.

St. Valentine’s Day, like St. Patrick’s Day, is popular in Europe and the modern west. While there are texts by Patrick himself that tell us about the godly man and help explain why he is celebrated, the origin of Valentine and Valentine’s Day aren’t entirely clear.

In secular articles, you’re sure to read about the pagan origins of Valentine’s Day. And in religious articles, the story is all about a martyred saint.

So which is right?

Maybe a little of both.

Some historians say the likely origin of the holiday was the ancient Roman festival, Lupercalia, which was celebrated on February 15^th. Lupercalia was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, but also to the Roman founders, Romulus and Remus, who were believed to have been cared for as infants by a wolf (a lupa).

The fertility festival was quite involved, ending with young women placing their names in an urn and bachelors drawing names to pair off for the year, a practice that often led to marriage.

Pope Gelasius (5^th century) abolished the fertility festival for its “un-Christian” practices, and replaced it with a day honoring St. Valentine.

The term “Volantynys day” showed up in a romantic, 14^th century poem, “Parliament of Fowls,” by Geoffrey Chaucer. The poem explicitly linked romantic love to Valentine. The concept behind the poem is that a group of birds gather on “seynt valentynes day” to choose their mates—hence, the day’s romantic theme. By the 15^th century, lovers sent each other love notes on Saint Valentine’s Day.

For some reason, Cupid was later added into the Valentine’s Day mix. The Cupid figure was originally Eros, the son of Aphrodite, in Greek mythology. Later, in Roman mythology, the name was switched to Cupid, the son of Venus. In both cases, he was the son of the mythical goddess of love and armed with a bow and two kinds of arrows—gold arrows to spark love and lead arrows to ignite hate.

Cupid was devious and played on his targets’ emotions. In later writings, Cupid was portrayed as a mischievous cherub, and later still, he became something like a mascot for Valentine’s Day.  

February 14 is listed on the “Calendar of Saints” in Anglican and Lutheran churches, but the Roman Catholic Church practiced it as a local celebration. The Eastern Orthodox Church celebrated Saint Valentine’s Day too, but on July 6.

The modern-day celebration is a romantic holiday, primarily developed in Victorian England. It included the giving of cards, flowers, and chocolates. Commercialized Valentine’s Day cards were created in the early to mid-19^th century. In some countries, the day is considered a celebration of friendship rather than romance.

The oldest known written valentine is at the British Library in London, written in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife—from his prison cell in the Tower of London.

But what about Valentine himself?

Was Valentine a Martyred Saint?

The name “Valentine” was a popular name, with about a dozen early Christians having that name. The Catholic church recognizes at least three Christians named Valentine or Valentinus. All three were Christian martyrs, like Bishop Valentine of Terni who was beheaded.

Tradition, however, embraces Valentine of Rome, an Italian bishop who was killed on February 14, 296 AD, at the command of Emperor Claudius Gothicus of Rome.

As the story goes, Claudius decided that single men would make better soldiers than those who had wives and families, so he outlawed marriage for young men. Feeling this was an injustice, Valentine defied the emperor and continued to perform secret marriages for young lovers.

Emperor Claudius, angered to hear about Valentine's actions, interviewed Valentine and told him he could only escape death if he converted to paganism.

Instead, Valentine tried to convert Claudius to Christianity!

So was Valentine a true Christian? Unlike "St. Patrick," we don't know what Valentine believed about Jesus or salvation.

Only God knows Valentine's heart, just as He knows our hearts.

Stories about him were likely embellished to solidify his commemoration as a Catholic saint.

For example, prior to his execution, it’s said Valentine healed a jailer’s blind daughter, Julia, who encouraged him in prison. Some renditions of this account say he wrote a letter to Julia before his death, signing it, “Your Valentine.”

It’s also said that he gave parchment hearts to soldiers and to persecuted Christians to remind them of God’s love. Some stories suggest Valentine was killed for trying to help Christians escape torture in Roman prisons.

While the Valentine stories are murky, in all accounts, he was heroic and he deeply loved God.

Should Christians Celebrate Valentine’s Day?

So how does all this play out for Christians? A writer at the Bible research site Compelling Truth says that the holiday is “neither biblical nor anti-biblical.”

The Happy Truth about Valentine's Day is that it is permissible to celebrate, but perhaps in a uniquely Christian way.

“Christians are free regarding the celebration of Valentine’s Day,” the writer said. “There are many positive things to be said about celebrating love for one another.

There is nothing inherently wrong with expressing love through cards and gifts on a specific day of the year. "But there is nothing inherently righteous about it either," the writer said, "and we should also express our love for one another throughout the year and in a variety of ways.”

Valentine's "sainthood" is an issue for some. It's important to note that in early translations, believers in the Bible are called “saints,” meaning “holy ones” (Acts 9:32; Romans 16:2; Ephesians 4:12; Philippians 4:21)—even though some of them might have had serious sin problems. In some newer translations, they are simply called "the Lord's people" or "believers"—perhaps as a reaction to the misuse of the term "saint."

There is no such thing biblically as "sainthood" as it expressed by the Catholic Church.

• But there’s nothing wrong with commemorating Christian martyrs or faithful Christians in the past.
• Neither is there a biblical mandate to commemorate them.

In the article, “Valentine’s Day Belongs to God,” Jon Bloom at Discovering God says, “So what should Christians make of today’s Valentine’s Day?

"As much as purely possible!”

Bloom notes that “Valentine was a saint and Eros (love) in not Cupid’s domain.” So, he says, Christians should be “the most unashamed and exuberant celebrators of romantic love there are, and the strongest guardians of God’s design and boundaries, because God made it for us to enjoy, along with many other things (1 Timothy 6:17b).” For example, Song of Solomon is packed with intoxicating, romantic love. Solomon was intoxicated with his bride!

The mystery of married love is to be celebrated (Proverbs 18:22; Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Peter 3:1-7), and yet it is only a shadow of what is to come, Bloom said. He calls God the “greatest romantic in existence,” and said our Creator has designed romance to give us “a taste of the greatest romance that will ever exist, of which all Christians will experience.”

What does Bloom mean? At the marriage supper of the Lamb, when we drink the wine with our Groom and enjoy spiritual intimacy with Him that we had only previously known in metaphors (Revelation 19:6-8).

Four closing thoughts:

1. Valentine’s Day should not be something used to divide God’s people.

How should Christians deal with disagreement in the Body of Christ about Valentine’s Day? Biblically! 

Paul wrote about special days:

One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind (Romans 14:5).

In other words, we may not think the same concerning special "days," and we need to be careful in judging other believers. (Be sure, when you take issue with other Christians, that there's a biblical truth behind your concerns; and if you do share concerns, do it in a spirit of humility and love.)

2. Every day is a good day to celebrate biblical love.

Christians may disagree with the whole premise of Valentine's Day, but they can always celebrate the human loves God gives us.

• We can celebrate the love of a spouse.
• We can celebrate the love of our family and extended family.
• We can celebrate the love of friends.
• We can celebrate the love of those who have served and blessed us.

3. Use Valentine’s Day as a reminder of a greater love.

Valentine’s Day can be a might be a positive prompt for us to remember the love that surpasses all earthly loves.

First, there is the love of God for us in sending His Son, and second, there is the love of Jesus in becoming our Savior (Romans 5:8; 1 John 4:14).

And then their great love prompts us to love others (John 13:34; 15:12; Ephesians 5:2).

4. What might you say to Valentine?

Assuming Valentine genuinely trusted in Jesus, rejoice that you might meet him in heaven.

What would you say to him? Would you want to chat with him and all the others throughout history who died for their confession of faith in Jesus.

I think it would be wonderful to thank Valentine for modeling genuine love—in life and in his martyrdom.

How might you use Valentine’s Day to focus on your earthly loved ones and the One who loved you so much that He died for you?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. Dawn and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and she has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Monkia at Pixabay.

Single on Valentine's Day

Nali Hilderman is a strong woman, a woman with her feet on the ground but her heart resting in a godly perspective. In this Valentine's Day UPGRADE, Nali has a special message for women who are single on Valentine's Day.

"Maybe this Valentine’s Day," Nali says, "you’re feeling the 'truth' of the Dean Martin song as he croons, 'You're nobody 'til somebody loves you; You're nobody' til somebody cares. ... The world still is the same, you never change it.  As sure as the stars shine above; You're nobody 'til somebody loves you.'”

I (Dawn) never much liked that song, but it sure makes Nali's point. This is the world's concept of love, not a biblical one.

Nali continues . . .

Being single on Valentine’s Day can be very hard and I know the temptation is to sink into sadness, bitterness or despair as everyone celebrates around us. 

But, as we encounter the holiday, here are a few suggestions for us single women to intentionally engage instead.

1. Treat Yourself

I don’t mean this in the hedonistic Tom and Donna from “Parks and Rec” kind of way. I mean this in the sense that there are things that you take pleasure in and that make your heart come alive. 

Is it:

• being outdoors,
• a massage,
• a favorite book or movie,
• cooking, or
• going to your favorite restaurant? 

Whatever it is, take time to participate in one of those this week and realize that—

when you experience joy from the way the Lord created you, you bring Him joy as well.

Read Psalm 139 to remember how well He knows and delights in you. 

2. Celebrate Others

Chances are that you’ve have some good examples of marriages in your life, so why don’t you take a moment to bless and encourage those who are “running the race” well. 

• Your parents?
• Your friends?
• Your siblings? 

On a similar note, hopefully you have had men in your life to love, protect, and encourage you. 

• A brother?
• A father?
• A teacher?
• A pastor?
• Friend(s)? 

Take some time to honor them for the example they’ve set on the man you’re waiting for. 

Text, email, or send a hand-written note to say thank you to those who model romantic love as define in scripture. Read Ephesians 5 for reminders of this.

3. Intentionally Focus on the “Not Yet.”

The hardest part of singleness is waiting and living in the “not yet” with faith. 

If you want to, spend time on Valentine’s Day focusing on your future relationship. Feel free to lament, but also spend time in faith praying for your future mate, and/or writing him a letter. 

Proverbs 31:12 says “she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” 

Also, pour out your heart to the Lord, asking for His work in both your lives.

4. Meditate on the Greater Love!

Remember that our culture is the one that promotes romantic love as the end goal in life, but the Truth is that it is NOT! 

If you have a relationship with Jesus, you already have the greatest love you will ever experience— even more than your spouse will be able to give you. 

Get out your Bible and spend time meditating on God’s love for you in and through Jesus Christ. Read John 13-17 and 1 John especially.

Sisters, it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves when the world around us celebrates the one thing we deeply desire, but let’s be intentional about it instead. 

Let us not allow culture to define us or make us feel like “we’re nothing til somebody loves us.” The TRUTH is, we are loved more than we could possibly imagine. 

While still waiting for the human manifestation of love, rest in and pursue the One who loves you more!

If you are single, where do you struggle on Valentine's Day? Which of these suggestions might help you be more intentional to enjoy the holiday from a biblical perspective?

Nali Hilderman is a professor of American history and Political Science at San Diego Christian College. She is working on her Ph.D. in Public Policy and hopes to continue writing and speaking on matters of Christianity in the Public Square. She attends Del Cerro Baptist Church.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Terri C. at Pixabay.

3 Ways to Recapture Your Husband's Heart

Pastor's wife and author Cindi McMenamin encourages women in their walk with God and relationships, and in this Marriage UPGRADE she offers wives a good challenge for Valentine'sDay—and every day.

Cindi asks, “Do you ever wish you could turn back the clock, erase the baggage, and have your husband see you the way he once did?”

That question struck home hard with me (Dawn) when I read it. Physically, I've been working on my health, weight and appearance, and it makes me smile that my husband has taken notice! But I've also wondered during my Quiet Times with the Lord, "Is there something in my spirit that has changed (for the worse) since our marriage?" Cindi has good insight for me... and all of us.

Cindi continues . . .

I’ll never forget the day I was cleaning through my top dresser drawer and found a treasure.

I almost threw out the stack of aged, yellowed papers, weathered by time and slightly torn on the edges. When I unfolded the papers and read through them, I instantly realized why I’d kept them all those years.

They were love letters from my husband—written nearly 30 years ago—that included phrases like these:

• “I love you beyond expression.”
• “You complete me like no other.”
• “I love you desperately.”

As I read through them, my eyes teared up.

And then my heart dropped.

I haven’t had a letter like this from him in years.

All of the letters dated back to the first few years that we were married. And they all described the captivating woman he saw me as—the woman I had hoped in my heart of hearts that I still was.

How I would have loved to believe that I hadn’t changed a bit through the years. How easy it would have been to believe that he was the one who had become distant, more critical, less interested and less passionate than he was the day we married.

It was a little tougher to put that magnifying glass up to myself and ask if I was the one who let resentments build up or baggage get in the way.

I realized if I was to be the cherished wife who receives another letter like that one day, I would have to BECOME that woman my husband wrote to so many years ago.

Here are a few of the steps I took to remove the baggage, rebuild love, and recapture my husband’s heart. And I am confident they can work for you, too.

1. RESPOND to Him Like a New Wife.

When I asked myself what it was I was doing to make my husband write letters to me like he once did, the answer was simple: I was responding to him like a new bride. 

Remember when you were a brand new bride?

• You couldn’t wait until the two of you got off work so you could be together again.
• You constantly checked your voicemail messages to see if he had called during the day.
• You had a special sparkle in your eyes when you talked of him and a spring in your step when you walked alongside him.

What would it take to get back that loving feeling for him?

If you’re waiting for him to do something different, I guarantee he will when YOU start responding to him like you once did when you were a brand new bride.  

2. REFRAME What You Say to Him.

Most of the baggage in marriage comes from words the two of you have said to one another.

Careless words. Accusing words. Hurtful words.

Many times we didn’t even intend for those words to sound the way they did. That’s why we must learn to reframe what we say to our husbands.

Ephesians 4:29 instructs us to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

So, instead of saying, “Are you going to wear THAT to dinner?”—say instead, “I’d love it if you’d wear that new shirt you look great in.”

And instead of saying, “Why don’t we go out on dates anymore?”—try instead, “I miss spending time alone with you.”

Ask yourself, before the words exit your mouth, “Am I saying this in a way that will encourage him?”

3. REFUSE to Dwell on the Negatives!

Every married couple has experienced wounds that are best left in the past.

Negative thoughts and memories of old wounds may assault you at times, but don’t let them run rampant in your mind.

Instead, practice 2 Corinthians 10:5, which instructs us to “take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Capture that thought and kill it.

And then remember why you fell in love with your husband in the first place.

• Was it his tenderness?
• The way he made you laugh?
• His dependability and faithfulness no matter what the circumstance?

Focus on his positive qualities—even ones that you believe are no longer there—and you just might start noticing them again.

Which of these three steps can you begin taking today to recapture the heart of your husband?

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 16 books who has been married 30 years to a  pastor and introvert. Her newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, released Feb. 1 from Harvest House Publishers. For more on her resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Alexas Fotos at Pixabay.

Valentine Valor

A strong marriage requires good communication, and in this Valentine's Day UPGRADE, Deb DeArmond encourages marriage partners to be brave and cultivate better heart communication.

“Marriage is not for the faint of heart," Deb says. "It’s the HEART-est work you’ll ever do.”

The "heart-est" work — I (Dawn) love that! Hard work we accomplish on behalf of loving marriages is well worth the effort!

Deb continues . . .

I was recently asked by a young friend, “What’s your secret to a happy marriage?”

My response took her by surprise.

“We discovered it’s better to find the courage to fight than the strength to run.”

Let me clarify. We don’t believe stepping into the ring to take our shots at one other is the best way to come to agreement. That’s what happens when we forget Christian marriages have a very real enemy.

But it’s not your spouse.

So, we do fight, the enemy, together, for the life of our marriage—and it’s always been worth the effort.   

As my husband and I have ministered to marrieds, a familiar pattern often appears: “We don’t fight. We try to avoid conflict. It’s not healthy.”

They go along to get along, remaining silent, as they disconnect from one another, bit by bit, till there’s very little left of the love they proclaimed at the altar.

Silence can speak volumes.

Just because it’s quiet, does not mean there’s peace in the house.

And it’s not the way Jesus dealt with relationships that He valued.

My favorite example:

Jesus asked Peter three times after His resurrection - “Peter, do you love me? Then feed my sheep” (John 21:15-17). Jesus confronted Peter because He loved him, and the relationship was important to Him.

He did it to restore the connection. He did it to restore Peter.

The goal of confrontation is to connect. And to make that happen, the language of confrontation must be love.

Healthy confrontation requires valor, otherwise known as courage, bravery, or audacious boldness.

What’s that look like?

Here are three Valentine’s Day opportunities to bravely step into a healthier, more intimate marriage.

1. Speak up.

Bravely say what needs to be said—speaking the truth in love. No matter how long you’ve been married, your spouse can’t read your mind.

When couples retreat into silence, they no longer have enough hope or ambition to fight. Silence says, “I give up.”

One gentleman told us he and his wife never experienced any conflict until 20 years into the marriage when she announced she’d “had enough and wanted a divorce.” He was stunned when she presented him with a list of grievances, carefully compiled, but never shared.

2. Confront courageously.

Confront the issue, not the person. Be aware of your tone, timing, and the words you choose.

“I’d like to talk about what happened last night at your folks. I was embarrassed when you . . . .” Describe your issue with the behavior rather than attack the person.

And return the favor: are you confrontable? Are you open to hear from your spouse?

3. Boldly examine YOUR heart first.

It’s easy to see the flaws in our partner; tougher to see the cracks in our own facade.

• Do you have to have the final word?
• Are you quick to point out your spouse’s shortcomings, but don’t see your own?
• Do you nurse a grudge like a baby at the breast?

If you are willing to acknowledge your own flaws, God will reveal them to you. Ask Him to help you grow in those areas.

Speaking up is a risk. But the goal of genuine, authentic connection is worth chasing, even when it might create some tense or painful moments.

Are you brave enough to take that step?

Deb DeArmond is an expert in the fields of communication, relationship, and conflict resolution. Author and speaker, her newest book is entitled Don’t Go to Bed Angry. Stay Up and Fight! Deb’s books help readers whether newlywed, or long-time married create the life God meant marriage and family to be. For more information about Deb, visit her website, Family Matters.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Pixabay.

Dressing for Love

Just in time for Valentine's Day, Jill Swanson, a talented Image Consultant and speaker, is sharing ways to freshen up your look for sweet romance with your spouse.

"It’s the season for romance and love is in the air!" Jill says. "You can smell the roses, taste the chocolate and hear the music!"

I say, "Give me all three!" But seriously, I (Dawn) know Jill personally because she revamped my closet a few years back and gave me so many helpful tips. That's why I asked her to share this special Valentine's Day post to help us all boost our appearance and attitudes!

Jill continues . . .

You may wonder – what attracts a man? What do men really want?

Thirty five years ago, my husband and I went through pre-marital counseling. The pastor required us to read, His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley. The book gives the five basic needs of a man and a woman.

While the lists differed, each had a similar “equivalent” on the other list, with one exception: the man’s need for an attractive spouse.

 My husband confirmed it.

So, what makes a woman attractive?

Here are some easy tips to freshen up your look that won’t break the bank:

1. Reflect your natural beauty.

Find the nearest mirror and rediscover what you’ve been blessed with. Study your unique features: coloring, curves, facial shape, lips, nose, eyes and hair. Repeat the shape or shade in an accessory or color that complements you.

Take a moment to carefully study these examples:

Model on the left: Her necklace mimics her curls and haircolor, and the blue blouse matches her eye color.

Model on the right: Her red lips and blouse match, her neckline frames her jaw shape, and the layered shirt repeats her layered hair.

2. Show some shape.

Focus your attention on silhouette. Make sure your clothing adds definition to one half of the body.

If you are wearing a flowy top, pair it with a slim pant; or if you wear a flouncy skirt, put it with a fitted top — as shown here:

Self-conscious about your arms? Try sheer sleeves or sleeve slits at the top of the shoulder that extend to the outer elbow, this provides definition and coverage.

A wide belt under an open jacket (no matter your waist size) will give the illusion of a great shape.

3. Polish your look.

One Sunday morning, a minister in the church I grew up in, announced from the pulpit, “Ladies, a little bit of paint on the side of the barn, never hurt anything!” I couldn’t agree more. 

A little lip color, concealer, blush and mascara can do wonders. Contact a person who sells cosmetics or head to the nearest store makeup counter, and get some free tips.

4. Check your attitude.

Being an attractive spouse has more to do with WHO you are than what you look like.

Choose to daily cast off discontentment, criticism, and complaining.

Instead use the dress code in Colossians 3:12, 14: Clothe yourself in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. And over all these things put on love.  

Ultimately, a man appreciates it when the woman looks the way he likes her to look.

Last month I worked with a woman 83 years young. Her husband asked me to do her makeup for some glamour shots. She was a model in the 1950’s who graced the covers of fashion magazines in her prime. Recently she’d fallen ill and he wanted to lift her spirits with a makeover and photo session — so romantic!

The gentleman specifically requested that I draw a long eye liner “wing” extending her lashes and apply bright red lips. I looked at him quizzically.

He then showed me her Vogue magazine cover – he wanted the same look she had in 1955. This gracious woman let him call the shots!

I obliged and he beamed with pride.

She instantly took on the persona of a poised model and transformed in front of the camera. It was the happiest she’d been in months.

She was the epitome of an attractive spouse — inside and out.

If you are married, are you dressing for love? No matter your marriage status, are there some simple, inexpensive things you might do, or some attitude changes you might make, to become a more attractive and winsome person? 

Jill Swanson, Image Consultant and Speaker, is the author of Out the Door in 15 Minutes and Simply Beautiful – Inside & Out. Jill works with individuals to evaluate, update and accentuate to their look both online and in person. For Jill’s books, consultations, or speaking information, visit her website or email her: jill@jillswanson.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of jill111, Pixabay.