Plan for Lasting Love

Pam Farrel is a relationship specialist, and she knows the power of making wise and godly choices that enhance relationships. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she says we need a plan if we want love in our  marriage relationship to last.

"A lasting love isn’t a happenstance," Pam says, "rather couples who gain long lasting love all made ONE vital decision: they DECIDED they wanted a long-lasting love! Love is a choice!"

I (Dawn) believe in making powerful choices! And a good place to start, right after our choice to receive  Jesus as our Savior, is in our closest human relationship.

Pam continues . . .

We recently celebrated our 40^th anniversary. As a gift, our grown sons and daughter in laws, along with our five grandchildren, all contributed to a book they wrote, 40 Reasons We Value Your Lasting Love.

Here are a few of our favorites parts from that book—along with four vital choices we've made in our marriage.

You too can gain a lasting lifetime love! Here is how.

1. Sit Face 2 Face

"We love because He (God) first loved us" (1 John 4:19).

This verse was inscribed on our wedding gifts to each other. We knew going in, we would only succeed at long lasting love only if God was kept front and center as the glue to hold us together.

One of the less glamourous but most vital choices we made early in our marriage was to create a Marriage & Family Compass.

This includes:

(1) Marriage/Family Mission Statement

We penned ours about two years into our marriage, inspired by a marriage conference for seminary students lead by Dr. Norman T. Wright.

(2) Marriage/ Family Motto

We wanted a short phrase like you’d see on a coffee mug or T-shirt. Ours is, “Those who honor God, God honors”—based on 1 Samuel 2:30.

(3) Marriage/Family Moniker

This is a family crest. Ours has three L’s that stand for Leaner, Leader, who Loves God (what we prayed our children would grow into); plus two hearts that stand for Farrels keep their promises, especially in marriage; and a cross with a star symbolizing that when you have a vibrant relationship with God, He ignites the God-given passion inside and you “let your light shine” for Him.

We also made a commitment to have a weekly “Monday Morning Marriage Meeting” where we pray, then discuss things like money/finances, calendar items, work and family; and we delegate tasks, make decisions together, etc. In other words, we tackle the important "biz issues" of a marriage. 

The Marriage Meet Up and the Family Compass were vital, because we both came from very dysfunctional, chaotic homes. We needed to be proactive and positive.

We saw the fruit of this in the book our family gave us on our 40th anniversary.

• "You love each other—quirks and all"
• "You model healthy communication, aka conflict resolution and forgiveness."
• "Tenacity! We will make it through anything TOGETHER!"
  

2. Walk Hand 2 Hand

"I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well" (3 John 1:2).

An obvious tip on gaining a long-lasting love is: You must live longer and stronger by treating your body (and your mate’s body) as “a temple of the Holy Spirit”  (1 Corinthians 6:19).

Because we were both athletes when we met at age 19, and married at age 20, keeping active is a part of our love life.

We have always enjoyed a daily prayer walk, hand in hand.

We have supported each other’s exercise pursuits, but the real key is finding some activities you BOTH enjoy doing together.

Some of our favorites are kayaking, paddle boarding, jet skiing, biking, swimming and dancing under the stars—or while waiting for an elevator!

• "You two are not afraid to take risks, as long as you are doing it together."
• "You love going on adventures together—you see life as an adventure."
• "You always take time for date nights."

3. Hug Heart 2 Heart  

"I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go…" (Song of Songs 3:4).

We have cultivated romance. We kiss each other EVERY TIME we say grace.

We put weekly date nights, a monthly day away, and twice-a-year overnight getaways on our calendar FIRST! We even schedule “Red Hot Monogamy!” 

• "You are each other’s biggest fans."
• "As a kid growing up, you modeled for us vulnerability, forgiveness, grace, pure love, joy and commitment."
• "You both love waffles and spaghetti."

4. Bow Knee 2 Knee

"You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows" (Job 22:27).

Prayer was a part of our relationship from the first moment Bill first asked me out on our first date!

We pray for one another and with one another.

We pray, hug and kiss, when we greet and when we depart from each other.

We pray over meals, over decisions, over family and friends, and over our failures and frailties. We wrap up in each other’s arms each night and pray and thank God for each other and one more day together.

• "You guys have defied the odds and have a HEALTHY marriage."
• "You have completely changed the legacy of our family."
• "You model a chord of three strands is not easily broken."

Do you have hopes and dreams for your marriage?

I remember a drive together as a newly-engaged couple when one of us said, “We are years away from starting a family, but what will we want our kids to say about us on our 25th or 50th wedding anniversary?”

We made a verbal list, then we prayed and asked God to fulfill those hearts desires.

And He is!  

What new habits or activities do you want to add into your marriage or your family to secure the future God longs to give you?

Pam Farrel is a cheerleader for women everywhere! Bill and Pam Farrel are international speakers, relationship specialists, and authors of more than 50 books including the bestselling: Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti; 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make (which explains how couples can create their own Family Compass: Mission, Motto, Moniker); Red Hot Monogamy (with more than 200 romance ideas). Their newest book is Marriage Meet Ups: A Planner for Couples Who Want a Productive, Passionate and Purposeful Life (to be released the end of January 2020). Discover more about Pam or the Farrels' ministry at  www.Love-Wise.com

The Marriage Marathon: Finishing Well

In this Marriage UPGRADE, Dianne Barker shares some practical ways to face the things that bother us in our marriages.

“Here’s the big irritation in marriage,” Dianne says. “I don’t like you and I can’t change you.”

That would make me laugh, but I (Dawn) remember a few painful days in my own marriage when I thought that same thing. Haven’t you?

Dianne continues:

Why would anyone marry a person they don’t like?

During our two-year courtship, love, youth and ignorance hid the “red flags.” Both of us projected our best to impress and please each other. We managed to conceal major flaws all the way to the altar.

Marriage—living together 24/7—exposed our major personality differences, and I noticed James had a few characteristics I didn’t like. I got the impression he didn’t like me so much either.

We grabbed our tools and started to work, thinking we could actually change each other.

I can smile now, sorting through the attic of fifty years of spouse-improvement projects covered with dust. None of my attempts to change my husband worked, nor did his attempts to change me—although both of us had good intentions and determination.

Change came in my life, my marriage and my husband when I set my own heart to seek the Lord and obey Him.

Concentrating on my responsibility—to accept my husband, love and pray for him, and leave the results to God—brought astonishing change … in me. It began with one verse. “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).

My seeking the Lord has nothing to do with any other person or circumstance. As I learned to apply His Word to my daily walk, I discovered my obedience took care of many issues. My anger is my issue with the Lord. My critical spirit is my issue with the Lord. My stinkin’ attitude is my issue with the Lord.

If my husband has an anger problem, a critical spirit, a stinkin’ attitude, his issues are with the Lord, not me. I can do nothing about that except pray and respond to him in a Christ-like way.

When I became concerned with my individual, personal walk of obedience, I discovered doing what God says not only made me happy but also blessed my marriage. My sole responsibility is pleasing my Father’s heart.

Is your spouse all you desire? You cannot make your husband be kind, ambitious, or skinny. If you’re waiting for him to become all you desire before obeying the Lord, I have bad news. That won’t happen. God calls us to follow him with our whole heart…then He will work.

But you can do something! Pray your spouse into “better.” The Prayer of Jabez is a good place to start: “Bless him a lot today, enlarge his territory, keep your hand on his life, and keep him from evil” (see 1 Chronicles 4:10).

If you really want to change your husband, try these tools. 

• Apply your heart unto wisdom (Psalm 90:12).
• Make your focus pleasing God (Psalm 19:14).
• Accept your husband unconditionally and take responsibility for your actions/reactions (Matthew 7:1-5).
• Give what you want to receive. Go first (Matthew 7:12).
• Practice unlimited forgiveness (Matthew 6:14-15).
• Forget the past and keep a forward focus (Philippians 3:13-14).
• Let “covering” love become a habit (1 Peter 4:8).

Marriage is a marathon. Finish well!

Which tool will you begin using today to change your marriage?

Dianne Barker is a speaker, radio host and author of 11 books, including the best-selling Twice Pardoned and award-winning I Don’t Chase the Garbage Truck Down the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life. She’s a member of Advanced Writers and Speakers Association, Christian Authors Network, and Christian Women in Media. (Post adapted from Help! I’m Stuck and I Can’t Get Out! The Maximum Marriage Maintenance and Repair Kit, available soon at www.diannebarker.com)

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

His Plimsoll Line

Pam Farrel, a relationship specialist with her husband Bill, often uses examples to help couples understand how to better love each other. In this early Valentine’s Day Marriage UPGRADE, she begins with a short history lesson.

“In the late 1800s,” Pam said, “Samuel Plimsoll discovered that nearly 1,000 sailors a year were being drowned on ships around British shores because ships were being overloaded.”

What’s that got to do with love? Stay tuned. I (Dawn) think Pam’s example is excellent!

Pam continues . . .

Plimsoll headed up a campaign to require that vessels bear a load line indicating when they were overloaded. The Plimsoll line is a mark located on a ship’s hull that indicates the maximum depth to which the vessel may be safely immersed when loaded with cargo.  

Your husband has a “Plimsoll line.” Load him up too much and his life or health or your relationship will sink.

You are the dock guard checking his “waterline” to keep him free from overwork, over commitment and over-the-top stressors.

One of my favorite verses of the Bible is a tiny phrase Boaz says to Ruth—a woman he is interested in romantically. Boaz said, “. . . all my people in the city know that you are a woman of excellence.”

This word “excellence” can be translated virtue, valor and valiant, and it’s the same word used of David’s mighty soldiers.

You are a warrior wife! God has called you to be a defender of your husband, your marriage and your family. 

There are three ways you can be a Warrior Wife:

1. Upgrade Your Attitude

How well do you know your husband’s stress? Is he carrying stress about his work (or lack of it), the kids, your finances, his health, your health, the church, the headlines and plight of evil in our society, those under his leadership, the community, the extended family, or a country or mission God has laid on his heart?

Colossians 3:12 encourages us to care:  “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”

2. Upgrade Your Understanding

To build empathy, often we need a better understanding of how our husband might process the stress of life.

In Men are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, we layer on God’s foundational truth of Genesis 1:27—God made us male and female—and share that biology explains that men and women process stress differently.

We women talk our way through stress. When I am stressed my sister knows it, my mom knows it, my best friend knows it—the clerk at the grocery store will know it!

Men on the other hand, when they are stressed, the go to their favorite easy box to rest and recharge. But God helped us girls out so we can recognize these recharger boxes, most are actually shaped like boxes (like on a waffle): the TV, the garage, the football field, baseball diamond, basketball court, tennis court, pool table, soccer goal, the computer, the refrigerator and the bed!

In fact the bed box, that intimacy box is a favorite box for men to go to when they are all stressed out. It is kind of like the free square in the middle of a BINGO card—they can get there from every square on their waffle! 

3. Upgrade Your Creativity

Since Bill and I started teaching this, we developed a new code word for expressing our desire for intimacy. One of us might ask, “Want to play some Bingo?” (Just seeing a BINGO card in his brief case or on his desk lowers Bill’s stress!)

So, where does your man like to go when he is stressed:  Fishing, hunting, for a run, TV or a movie, sports, a hobby, the garage, surfing, boating? Some choices are healthier for managing stress than others. If you offer to schedule some R and R with some physical activity he enjoys, it might keep him away from the burger and fries—or another unhealthy habit that could put him in an early grave.

Ask him about his favorite pursuits, then schedule a visit to his “favorite boxes.”

Resources can help us focus. In Red-Hot Romance Tips for Wives, there are 26 traits to help you become a more loving wife, including this “virtuous” warrior for my man attitude.

Or join the Red Hot Wives Challenge. I will send you a daily inspiration for 26 days to arm you with more romantic ideas and ways to help when your man’s load is approaching the dangerous Plimsoll level. (See resource links at the end of this post.)

God is aware the life of a leader is stressful; and if we pray, God will give each of us the discernment we need to give the encouragement our man needs. 

Take a few minutes to think about the stresses your husband may be facing today. Is there anything you can do to lower his Plimsoll level?

Couple-Building Resources:

• Book - Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti
• Book - Red-Hot Romance Tips for Wives
• Challenge - Red Hot Wives Challenge.

Pam Farrel and her husband Bill are relationship experts, international speakers and authors of more than 40 books including Red Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle; The Secret Language of Successful Couples; and Red Hot Romantic Tips for Women.” Visit their website, Love-Wise, for more information and resources, or Pam's blog.   

9 Ways to Cultivate 'Lifetime' Married Love - Part 2

Today is Valentine's Day ... and I thank God for my "Valentine," my husband Bob. We've chosen for nearly 40 years to love each other through all the circumstances of this life, and our marriage has blessed us as we seek to honor God.

In part one of this post, I listed four characteristics of a "Lifetime" Love and encouraged readers to study some "Lifetime" marriages they know ... and their own marriages. Here are the first four points:

1. God is first
2. Giving 100%
3. Growth/ability to adapt
4. Granting freedom to fail

Let me continue ...

5. Good will: The sweetest marriages I've observed are those where partners offer each other their good will - kindness, graciousness, positive reinforcement and encouragement.

We all have "bad days" and meltdowns eventually. A Lifetime Marriage understands a partner cannot be perfect and reaches out with a gracious, encouraging spirit (1 Thessalonians 5:11), with the goal of building the marriage, not allowing the enemy or selfishness to tear it down.

6. Good times: Every marriage has its share of tough times. Financial struggles. Health issues. Problems with kids. Spats over little things that, in retrospect, didn't matter much.

A wise married couple will plan for plenty of good times, occasions to celebrate, opportunities to relax together (sexually and otherwise) and to simply play. These are way to bring some healing joy into the relationship.

(Read Song of Solomon and think about the joy and playful anticipation this couple enjoyed!) Don't lose the joy of your relationship!

7. Gratitude: When we're "used to" someone, we tend to take that person for granted. This can be a relationship killer.

Colossians 3:17 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18 encourage gratitude in every part of life and all circumstances. There are many opportunities in marriage. Practice sincere gratitude; look for ways to appreciate your spouse or say a simple, heartfelt "thank you."

8. Guidance without Judging: It's been said we should not offer unsolicited advice. That's true in most relationships, but in this "oneness" partnership, a wise spouse can learn how to challenge unbiblical or ungodly thinking and encourage a biblical perspective. Preachiness isn't welcome. Neither is nagging.

Helpful tip:  Guidance in marriage is a sometimes a matter of speaking truth in meekness and love to help our partner "sharpen" his life or to "lift" him out of error (Proverbs 27:17; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10); but be careful - other times it's wiser to overlook a fault (Proverbs 19:11). Many women find it helpful to ask "discernment" questions to help a partner consider behavior patterns or needed actions on their own. The Spirit of God can use our motivating (not manipulative) questions.

It's not about judging our partner. Before you share a word of "guidance," read I Corinthians 13:4-8a and examine your own heart. 

Want to be a help to your partner? Be ready with practical assistance, especially after you've offered biblical counsel. God may use you to encourage your partner's growth, but He may also want you to come alongside to assist. But never pressure your partner to change. It's God's work to renovate hearts.

And I think the most successful Christian marriages have another element ... and it's a characteristic for all Christians.

9. Glory to God: The couple realizes the marriage is more than "about us." It's about Him! (1 Corinthians 10:31) It's about God's design ... His purposes ... His glory.

What about your own marriage? Is there a new or stronger "Love Choice" you can make, starting today?

[Note to Christians in marriages of 30+ years ... are there other tips that have helped your marriage last for a lifetime? Please share them in the comments.]

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. In these ministries and as President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego), Dawn encourages, edifies and energizes women with  scripture so they can better enjoy life, bless others and honor God. Dawn and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons and three granddaughters.

Married couple Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net - adapted.

9 Ways to Cultivate 'Lifetime' Married Love - Part 1

Whether your marriage is picture perfect or marred with problems, one thing is for sure - Love that lasts for a lifetime doesn't just happen; and any of us who are married can UPGRADE our marriages. It's a choice!

For the Christian, it's a biblical choice, a choice that brings blessing.

Actually ...

A Christian 'Lifetime Marriage' is a series of daily choices wrapped around commitment and enabled by God's grace.

There are basic characteristics of a marriage that lasts.

I've observed a number of marriages over the years - some for almost 40 years - watching them for clues to their longevity. My marriage watching started long before I said my own "I do."

I traveled with a revival team, and we stayed in people's homes in each new church location. Whenever I got to know a new family, I decided to take note of what worked (and didn't work) in their Christian marriages, believing I'd walk the aisle myself someday. I felt it would be wise to learn from others' experiences - that maybe I'd make fewer marriage mistakes that way.

What I discovered were common threads woven through these "Christian Lifetime Marriages." Let me highlight the nine characteristics that influenced my own marriage the most:

1. God is first: Jesus instructed us to seek God first (Matthew 6:33), and this is instruction for every area of life, including marriage. Before husband and children and anyone else, God is in first place. He is the "glue" that holds a Christian marriage together, the source embraced for help and encouragement, the foundation for a solid relationship that creates purpose and stability.

The simple truth is, as each partner draws closer to the Lord, they are far more likely to draw closer to each other. There is strength in this.

2. Giving 100%: We are to love one another as Christ loved us (John 13:34); and His love is sacrificial.

At least one of the partners must understand the concept of total, sacrificial living and loving. It may take two to tangle, but it doesn't take two to make marriage a success. As long as one partner understands marriage is not about each partner giving 50% - but rather, total commitment - there is a good chance the marriage will survive, possibly even thrive.

When one of the spouses is an unbeliever, this can be tricky. But especially in the case of wives, a husband can be "won" (1 Peter 3:1) by his wife's behavior. (How? Surrender first to God, and He will enables you to love and respect your husband.) Giving 100% does not ever mean we must tolerate abuse, but it does mean we can consider ways to love our spouse with the love of Christ.

3. Growth and ability to adapt: Partners who stretch and grow as they "rub shoulders" with each other will contribute to a stable relationship. Growth comes as we adapt not only to changing circumstances, but also to changes in our spouse.

No one ever stays exactly the same in a relationship - people tend to change (for good or ill). We are wise if we allow our partner to flex new interests and concerns within a loving relationship. Give space for growth.

Communication is key. Be quick to "hear" (James 1:19). Take time to hear words; but don't forget to listen to your partner's heart. God may be doing a new work, giving a fresh perspective, and it's important in your relationship to "hear and understand." Ask questions. Listen and learn.

4. Granting freedom to fail: It's been said, "The friends we keep the longest are the friends who forgave us the most." There's a lot of forgiveness present in lifelong marriages. The Bible says, "bearing with one another ... forgiving one another" (Colossians 3:13), and encourages humility, gentleness and patience (Ephesians 4:2).

The wise partner forgives failings - granting grace. Don't miss the blessing of cutting your spouse some slack.

I’ve found the best approach is to glance regularly toward each other, and then gaze on Jesus!

(NOTE: This post will be continued tomorrow:  9 Ways to Cultivate 'Lifetime' Married Love - Part 2. In the meantime ... Take time to study the successful Lifetime Marriages around you.)

Do the Christian marriages you observe have all or some of these characteristics?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. In these ministries and as President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego), Dawn encourages, edifies and energizes women with  scripture so they can better enjoy life, bless others and honor God. Dawn and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons and three granddaughters.