What to Do When Your Marriage Seems Stuck

Sharon Jaynes has captured my imagination and challenged my life with a number of books. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she challenges those who have a spouse to consider whether the "romance" has faded ... and what we can do about that.

"Sometimes we can get so busy taking care of life," Sharon says, "that we forget to take care of love."

I (Dawn) know without a doubt how busyness can kill the spark of married love. I've seen it happen too many times. But it's not enough to diagnose a problem; we need a solution.

Sharon continues . . .

What do you do when you’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’ in your marriage?

Maybe you truly adored your husband in the beginning, but now you can’t remember why. Maybe you honestly admired his finer qualities, but now you can’t remember what they were. Maybe you appreciated his wonderful attributes, but now you take them for granted.

Between taking out the garbage, paying the bills, running the car pool, mowing the lawn, disciplining the kids, and folding the laundry, sometimes the passion of marriage gets lost.

It happens to all of us at one time or another.

We can get so busy taking care of life that we forget to take care of love.

None of us got married so we could have a long list of chores.

If you’re like me, most likely you got married because you were madly in-love and couldn’t imagine life without your man! You got married because your heart skipped a beat every time you laid eyes on him. You couldn’t wait to tie the knot and build a life with this incredible person God had miraculously brought into your life.

Maybe you still feel that way. But maybe you could use a little reminder—a re-stoking of the romance.

In the book of Revelation in the Bible, God had this to say to the church at Ephesus:

“I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first” (Revelation 2:4, NIV).

Ephesus was one of the most loving churches in the New Testament, and yet somewhere along the way they lost that initial thrill of knowing Christ. Their love for each other and for God had grown cold.

So how do you get that lovin’ feelin’ back?

God gave the church two simple steps, and I believe we can apply them to our marriages as well. “Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first” (Revelation 2:5a, NIV).

REMEMBER how it was in the beginning.

RETURN and do the things you did at first.

For most of us, life is just daily. However, the accumulation of small struggles can nibble like termites to undermine the foundation of what appears to be a healthy structure as surely as the unexpected, earth-shaking rumble of sudden disaster. And routine, even good routine, can rob us of the joy and passion of marriage… if we let it.

One day I took John’s words in Revelation to heart, and decided to remember and return by romancing my husband for fourteen days straight.

Everyday wasn’t earth-shaking romance, even though there was some of that.

• One day I simply put a sticky note on his bathroom mirror that said, “I love you.”
• Another day I placed a box of Red Hot candy on his car seat with a note that said, “You’re a hottie.”
• One morning I warmed up his towel in the dryer and had it ready when he got out of the shower.

And you know what happened? At the end of the fourteen days, Steve had a skip in his step and smile on his face like a Cheshire cat.

And what happened in me? I can hardly describe the love that welled up in me, as I loved my man well.

Hear this… I changed.

I don’t have a big, bad personal story of how God took a terrible, tumultuous marriage and miraculously transformed it into a storybook romance filled with white-knight rescues, relentless romance, and rides into the sunset leaving all danger and darkness behind. Although our marriage has been all that at one time or another, it’s no fairy tale.

Our marriage is a daily journal, one page after another, one day after another. I'm guessing just like yours.

Some entries are smudged with tears; others are dog-eared as favorites.

Some days are marred by unsuccessful erasures that couldn’t quite rub away hurtful the words said; others are finger-worn by the reading of precious events time and time again.

But on those days when I see my marriage slipping back into the mundane cadence of passionless routine, I pull out my list of ideas, and put a smile on Steve’s face.

And that’s my challenge to you and to me today.

What do you need to do to love your husband well today?

Sharon Jaynes is a conference speaker and author of 21 books. Click here to read a sample chapter, watch a video, or download free resources for her latest book, A 14-Day Romance Challenge: Reigniting Passion in Your Marriage; or visit Sharon’s blog and learn about her other resources.

Moving Beyond Mediocre

Sharon Jaynes is an internationally-known speaker and Bible teacher and her writings never fail to inspire me. This one ... what can I say? This Biblical Thinking UPGRADE touched me deeply.

"If we would grasp and make our own what Jesus has already done for us, and what He had deposited in us," Sharon says, "our lives would look very different than the tepid faith of the average churchgoer."

If you are like me (Dawn), you want to move deeper with excellence in your spiritual walk with Christ. While we can't change without God's power, He still asks us to cooperate.

Sharon continues . . . 

I was alone, or at least I felt that way. Women huddled in happy clusters chatting about first one thing and then another. Some propped babies on their hips. Others clutched Bibles in their hands.

Most wore smiles on their faces. I wore one too. But it wasn’t a reflection of what was in my heart. The upturned lips were simply the camouflage I wore to blend in—to avoid being found out.

What I really wanted to do was run and hide. On the outside I was a well-put-together church mom with cute shoes and snappy jeans, but on the inside I was a little girl cowering in the far recesses of the playground hoping no one would notice me.

What’s wrong with me? I wondered.

Why don’t I feel the joy these other women feel?
What holds me back from experiencing the confidence and assurance they seem to experience?
Why do I continue to act like the same old me, struggle with the same negative emotions, and wrestle with the same old sins?

The problem was I was stuck.

Yes, I had professed Jesus as my Lord and Savior. But I had a niggling feeling He meant something more than heaven when He said, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

Have you ever watched a circus performer on a flying trapeze? The aerialist swings out, swings back, and then usually on the peak of the third swing he takes hold of another bar or performer. That’s when the fun begins as backflips, somersaults, and triples twists wow the crowd.

But what if, when the trapeze artist took hold of the second bar, he refused to let go of the first? He would be left hanging in the middle. Stuck.

That would not be the greatest show on earth.

And that’s where many of us spend our lives … stuck … dangling over “life to the full” but never quite letting go of what holds us hostage to a mediocre “less than” faith.

I know it’s where I spent many years … until God challenged me to take hold of the truth and make it mine.

Paul wrote, “I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” (Philippians 3:12). And in order to take hold and make our own everything that Christ has taken hold of for us and placed in us, we need to let go of everything that keeps us from doing so.

If we would grasp and make our own what Jesus has already done for us, and what He had deposited in us, our lives would look very different than the tepid faith of the average churchgoer.

God’s power, provision, and purposes are for “who so ever will” (Mark 8:34 KJV).

Will what? Will let go of all that holds you back from experiencing the abundant life of the adventurous faith and take hold of truth that makes it so.

So here’s what I’m challenging us to do:

• Let go of insecurity – and take hold of your true identity as a child of God.
• Let go of the scarcity mentality that says that you’re not enough – and take hold of God’s abundant promises that say you have everything you need.
• Let go of crippling bitterness – and take hold of radical forgiveness.
• Let go of shame-filled condemnation – and take hold of grace-filled acceptance.
• Let go of weak-kneed worry – and take hold of sure-footed confidence.
• Let go of comparison to others – and take hold of your God-fashioned uniqueness.
• Let go of debilitating discouragement – and take hold of your next assignment.
• Let go of timid reluctance – and take hold of bold believing.

And that’s what God wants for all of us. So today, let’s ask ourselves if we’re hanging on to something that God is calling us to let go of.

Shame? Resentment? Condemnation? Unbelief? Ingratitude? Bitterness? Unforgiveness? A false sense of who we are?

If He brings something to mind, let it go, move forward, and live bold.

The faith you’ve always longed for is just a decision away.

Look back over those "let go" – "take hold" statements. Which is the hardest for you to do? Why? Can you make these choices by faith?

Sharon Jaynes is an international speaker for women’s events and author of 20 books including The Power of a Woman’s Words and Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe. Today’s post was adapted from her latest book, available at Amazon: Take Hold of the Faith You Long For. To learn more about Sharon’s ministry and books, visit her blog/website. 

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Just a Little Bit More

In this affluent society, we're always trying to add just a little bit more to our lives. More wealth. More stuff. More prestige. In this Thanksgiving Upgrade, Dawn Wilson encourages us to add a bit more gratitude.

Last summer, Sharon Jaynes wrote about I Thessalonians 5:18: Give thanks in all circumstances. "We read that verse and think it rather nice," Sharon wrote, "So we slap a sloppy coat of thanksgiving on life and go about our day. In reality, most of us are thankful for very little."

Instead of expressing gratitude, we complain. A lot.

I focused on not complaining this summer for one whole week. I didn't think I was a natural complainer. I've since discovered everyone is. It's that nasty sin nature rearing it's head.

That's why Paul instructs, "Do all things without murmurings (complaining) and disputings" (Philippians 2:14). Complaining devastated the the Israelites (Exodus 16:8; Numbers 11:1-4; Psalm 106:25; 1 Corinthians 10:10).

Complaining has many negative consequences. It messes up our relationships and conversations. It focuses on the negative, sees the worst, darkens our spirit and zaps our energy. Complaining increases stress; we just can't seem to "release" our grumbling. Even when we complain just to ourselves, we are essentially making excuses for our lack of gratitude.

So I'll admit it. I struggled with that week of "not complaining." I was surprised how many complaints entered my mind in such a short period.

I found it extremely difficult to stop complaining. Until I started thanking.

Thanksgiving made the difference. I was allowing God to transform my thinking (Romans 12:2).

Gratitude is a choice, and it can root out an ungrateful, murmuring, complaining spirit. We're not commanded in scripture to feel more grateful, but we are instructed to be thankful.

"Gratitude changes the lens through which we see circumstances in our little slice of time," Sharon said. "Thanksgiving changes our perspective despite broken dreams, broken relationships, tumultuous circumstances and unfulfilled longings."

Repeatedly in the Psalms, we observe David move from a place of depression or sharing his complaints with God to a better place. His perspective seems to change as he praises God or expresses gratitude:  

In Psalm 57, David complains that his soul "is in the midst of lions" (v. 4). His enemies are trying to destroy him. He's in pretty bad shape, emotionally.

Yet in verses 9-11, what a turnaround!

"I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!"

We see this same turnaround in Psalm 42:10-11 and Psalm 62:3-7. David consistently moved from grumbling and all sorts of negative emotions to praise and gratitude.  

He chose a different perspective and got a different result. And in that change of attitude, God was honored and glorified.

Another thing I discovered in my week of no complaining. Even a little bit of gratitude makes a difference.

Like a stream of light through an opening door, gratitude diffuses the darkness of our grumbling.

It's not slapping on "a sloppy coat of thanksgiving." It's getting honest with God about our needs, and then stopping to recognize God in the midst of our circumstances. To praise Him. To thank Him.

Think about the complaints you've made even this week. Can you add a bit more gratitude? Will you choose to thank God in your situation, even if you don't feel thankful?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is the President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego). Dawn is the co-author of LOL with God and contributed "The Blessing Basket" in It's a God Thing. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.