12 Keys to an Extraordinary Marriage - Part 1

I asked Dianne Barker—married almost 50 years—to share a Marriage UPGRADE with us. There's much wisdom here for all of us.

“What was I thinking," Dianne said, "leaving that man alone in the yard with pruning shears!”

Now, knowing my husband's propensity to prune with abandon, I (Dawn) couldn't wait to read Dianne's story!

Dianne continues... 

I went outside just in time to catch my husband mutilating our shrubs … again. I like sprawling new growth—he likes neatly cropped. That’s one of many different perspectives adding interest to our marriage.

Occasionally when he’s away, I use my trusty scissors to give the shrubs a gentle trim, knowing James will soon follow with a drastic cut. This time he got to them before I did.

It will take years for those shrubs to recover!

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” he said, giving me an innocent grin. Looking around, I spotted a bundle of leafy stems—sweet potato plants for our little garden! For years I’d asked him to grow sweet potatoes for me, but he insisted they were too much trouble.

Knowing my husband would choose to inconvenience himself for me drained my anger before it spewed all over him. Thank goodness!

I’ve learned the hard way if I don’t say it, I don’t have to clean up the mess.

James and I have been happily married forty-nine years … happier some days than others. We are, in fact, happily incompatible with opposite personalities causing us at times to irritate each other nearly to death.

What were we thinking when we vowed “till death do us part?” We’re stuck in this marriage and we can’t get out!

We married young with no counseling on building relationships or teaching on how to make a marriage flourish. Being as opposite as two people can be, we needed an instruction manual for this marriage to survive.

I searched the Scriptures for a quick list, “Ten Commandments for a Successful Marriage.” I never found that list—but I discovered numerous relationship principles that would impact my marriage … if I chose to put them into practice.

What a surprise to find putting God’s instructions into practice in my life had nothing to do with my husband.

If you want an extraordinary marriage, begin here:

• Guard your speech and thoughts. “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).
• Choose nourishing communication. “Let no corrupting talk come out of your  mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).
• Forsake anger and bitterness. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
• Live in a state of continual forgiveness. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).
• Forget the past. “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead” (Philippians 3:13).
• Practice covering love. “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

One person in the relationship willing to obey God can, by His grace, change the relationship. Will you be the one? Love covers.

The shrubs will grow. Now … if James just doesn’t power-wash my Boston ferns again!

Which of the extraordinary marriage "keys" could use some work in your own relationship? [Dianne will share six more Keys in Part 2.]

Dianne Barker is a conference speaker, freelance journalist, radio host, and author of eleven books, including the 1986 best-seller Twice Pardoned. Her 2014 book, I Don’t Chase the Garbage Truck Down the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life, won the Christian Authors Network Golden Scrolls third-place award for non-fiction book of the year. This post is adapted from her forthcoming book, Help! I’m Stuck and I Can’t Get Out! The Maximum Marriage Maintenance and Repair Kit, which will be available at www.diannebarker.com.

Why Go to a Christian Women's Conference?

Why should you go to a Christian woman’s conference? In this Spiritual UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson tackles that “why.”

Women go to women’s Christian conferences for a variety of reasons.

 They might go …

• for some light entertainment,
• for a deep worship experience,
• to rub shoulders with or hear Christian “celebrities,”
• for a “camp-out” experience—rooming with women for some “fun and fellowship,”
• to open up to and learn from their girlfriends,
• to add to their understanding of themselves—seeking a giant self-help opportunity,
• for a change of pace (maybe some activity or some time to sleep!),
• to search for answers to a problem,
• to “escape” something “back home” for a while,
• because they have a free ticket… or free airfare! (in other words, a financial incentive),
• etc., etc., etc.

Some women avoid “women’s seminars” like the plague! And I do the same sometimes. There are some Christian women’s conferences you couldn’t pay me to attend. I consider them an enormous waste of time. They are either unbiblical, all about self-help, or do not help me in my walk with God.

Others are OK ... but not for me. They're just fluff, crafts and soft-pitch stories. There are many ways to “dress up” a conference or seminar for fun or to pull at the heart-strings. And don't get me wrong, I love crafts, stories and other "fluffy" things.

But what I’ve heard many women saying includes: 

“I’m soul hungry – I need more than warm fuzzies” … “I need to refocus with less thoughts about myself and more time with God” … “I’m so tired, and I need refreshing in the Word” … “I want solid truth - more than the self-help messages the world has to offer … “I want some encouragement for my ministry” … “I need biblical solutions for real problems.”

A woman (at a conference) told me recently,

“I don’t want silly stuff, and I don't want to be ‘blasted’ with heavy stuff. I just want to know how to live out what Jesus already accomplished for me ... the life-changing stuff!"

Amen, Sister!

A women’s conference or seminar should offer some milk for new believers, but also plenty of meat for the more mature. It must go beyond sentimental stories to a greater agenda: helping women better grasp the Good News—the most important story of all—and the implications of the gospel in practical living.

So … WHY GO to a Christian women’s conference?

1. To see your great need of Jesus. He came for sinners, and He is the Author of abundant life for all who place their faith in Him. (Luke 5:32; Acts 3:19; John 10:10b)

2. To understand the power of the cross, embrace the resurrection, and learn how to apply both in life, family, church and ministry. (1 Corinthians 1:18; Philippians 1:21; Colossians 3:1-4)

3. To learn how to identify with and abide in Christ. To understand your identity, security and dignity in Him. (Romans 6:11; 8:29; John 15:5).

4. To see Jesus in all His glory—the One who is all-sufficient for our needs. (John 1:14; 2 Corinthians 3:5)

5. And to do all this in the context of biblical, edifying speakers (2 Timothy 3:16; Ephesians 4:14; Romans 16:17-18; Galatians 1:8-9; Romans 14:19; Ephesians 4:12) and encouraging Christian sisterhood! (1 Thessalonians 5:11; Hebrews 10:24).

That’s the kind of conference I love. And that’s the kind of conference I will always seek out and promote. (I have some friends who are powerful conference speakers.)

At the moment, I am in the middle of the True Woman ’14 national conference, an outreach of Revive Our Hearts. It is so worthwhile. I'm already hearing powerful testimonies. God is opening women’s eyes and changing their hearts.

You can JOIN THE LIVE STREAM of the conference messages here, October 9-11. (NOTE: I will be commenting on the Live Feed! Tune in!)

What is the last women’s conference you attended? What did you learn that you still practice today?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade bwith Dawn. She is the President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego). Dawn is the co-author of LOL with God and contributed "The Blessing Basket" in It's a God Thing. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

'You Matter to Me!'

Kathy Carlton Willis is a transparent, creative woman  of God. In this UPGRADE Your Worth post, she reminds us to embrace God's imput about our value, not the world's.

"October 7^th is 'You Matter to Me' Day," Kathy says. "Let’s celebrate by taking a look at a woman’s worth and we’ll see just how much we matter to God and each other."

Now I (Dawn) didn't know there is such a thing as "You Matter to Me" Day ... but I can think of all kinds of ways to celebrate that! Can't you?

Kathy continues ...

I’m getting ready for an all-alumni high school reunion next month. I haven’t seen my schoolmates in over thirty years. Definitely not enough time to lose a hundred pounds!

Why do I worry about what others will think about my weight-gain? It’s because I know how petty we humans can be. We notice when other women gain weight rather than paying attention to their hearts smiling. We are cruel to ourselves and to others.

What does God think of that?

God’s been showing me that I matter to Him—that I’m a woman of worth. You are too. If you feel out of touch with who you really are, think of this quote:

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” – Danielle LaPorte

Our Problems:

• Appearance. The world attempts to define us based on how we look and what we do. “A woman’s worth isn’t measured by her outer appearance,” says Jarrid Wilson, “but whether or not her heart is focused on The One who created her.”
• Busy-ness. After appearance, the next way women gain respect and clout is to have a successful career or be the SuperMother envied and resented by other moms on Pinterest. We hold up our to-do lists as proof that we matter. Who are we trying to impress? Others? Or are we trying to convince ourselves that we’re important? What does God think of that?
• Comparisons. We always judge ourselves unfairly when we compare. We think of our worst measured against their best. We can never win that comparison trap! I’m learning not to seek the answer of my worth by comparing myself to others.

What Does the Bible Say?

Proverbs 31 shows us how unique God wants us to be. This virtuous woman has amazing power and influence on others. Her value eclipses her looks. She is worth a great deal to God and to others because of who she is on the inside. Yes, because of that she has wonderful fruit: productivity, hard work ethic, and close-knit relationships.

"A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise:

“'Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!' Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God" (Selections from Proverbs 31, MSG).

Ten Evidences of a Woman’s Worth

1. Confident in Christ
2. Glows with grace
3. Loves and knows God’s Word
4. Close to God through prayer
5. Concerned and compassionate toward others
6. Cares for her family
7. Faithful to God, family and church
8. Pursues good health by being a good caretaker of her body
9. Tends to her resources responsibly, as gifts from God
10. Filled with the fruit of the Spirit

You matter to God and your worth is in Him.

Others matter too, and perhaps they struggle with knowing their worth. Who can you show value by letting her know she matters to God and to you?

Kathy Carlton Willis writes and speaks with a balance of funny and faith—whimsy and wisdom. She shines the light on issues that hold women back and inspires their own lightbulb moments. Almost a thousand of Kathy’s articles have been published and she has several books releasing over the next three years, including Grin with Grace with AMG Publishers. She and her husband/pastor, Russ, live in Texas. Learn more at: www.kathycarltonwillis.com/

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

10 Great Choices to Make Today

Leslie Vernick‘s wise counsel encourages women everywhere to live for God in freedom and abundance. In this Life UPGRADE, she encourages us to consider 10 simple but powerful choices we can make every day.

“God has given an important freedom to humankind,” Leslie says. “It’s the freedom to choose.”

Now anyone who knows me (Dawn) and my ministry (Heart Choices Ministries) will know Leslie had me at the word “choose.” In this post,* Leslie shows us how important choices are to God, and how they can change the direction of our lives; and then she offers 10 great choices you can make today … and every day.

Leslie continues …

The Bible gives us plenty of examples of individuals who made good choices and of others who made poor choices. We can learn from their example.

Eve chose to believe the serpent rather than believe God. She only looked at the moment (it looked good to eat and she wanted it), but the consequences of her choice affected the entire human race (Genesis 3:1-6).

Moses “chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward” (Hebrews 11:25-26).

Noah chose to believe God and built an ark, suffering the ridicule of his entire community for a season, but saving his family in the long run (Genesis 6-8).

Abram chose to believe God and it was counted unto him as righteousness (Genesis 15:6).

Esau chose to sell his inheritance for a pot of stew. He was living for the moment and made his decision on a temporary felt need—hunger (Genesis 25:29-34).  

The Israelites chose to believe the eight spies that feared the giants rather than Joshua and Caleb who trusted God (Numbers 13).

David chose to honor his commitment and loyalty as a subject of King Saul, even though Saul sought to kill him. When David had the chance to kill Saul, he chose not to, instead trusting God to deliver him and protect him (1 Samuel 18-24). 

Queen Vashti chose to say no to her drunken husband, King Xerxes when he commanded her to come to the palace to parade her beauty before the people and nobles (Esther 1). As a result she lost her position, but she kept her dignity.

Abigail chose to do the right thing and overruled her foolish husband’s orders when he refused to feed David’s men. She saved her family from disaster and David from sinning (1 Samuel 25). 

John the Baptist chose to stand for the truth rather than compromise with sin and lost his head (Mark 6:17-29); yet Jesus says of John that no human being has ever been greater than he (Matthew 11:11). 

Judas chose to wallow in self-hatred instead of choosing to repent after betraying Christ … he went out and hung himself (Matthew 27:3-5). 

Jesus, the very Son of God, chose to leave His heavenly kingdom and live among us. He wanted to show us who God was and what He was like. He chose to suffer and die on the cross so that one day we might live forever with Him.

"We can decide –

• to live in response to the abundance of God, and not under the dictatorship of our own poor needs.
• ... to live in the environment of a living God and not our own dying selves.
• ... to center ourselves in the God who generously gives and not in our own egos which greedily grab.”

Just like turning your steering wheel slightly will make a big difference in where your car ends up, making small but regular good choices can make a huge difference where your life ends up.  

Here are ten choices you can make today.

You can:

1. Choose to love, rather than hate.
2. Choose to smile, rather than frown.
3. Choose to build, rather than destroy.
4. Choose to persevere, rather than quit.
5. Choose to praise, rather than gossip.
6. Choose to heal, rather than wound.
7. Choose to give, rather than grasp.
8. Choose to act, rather than delay.
9. Choose to forgive, rather than curse.
10. Choose to pray, rather than despair.

Moses encourages the people of God with these words, “Now choose life, so that you and your children may live….” (Deuteronomy 31:8).

Which of these 10 abundant life choices can you make right now? Which would most change your current circumstances?

Leslie Vernick is a national and international speaker, author, licensed clinical social worker, consultant and relationship coach with an expertise on the subjects of personal and spiritual growth, marriage improvement, conflict resolution, depression, child abuse, destructive relationships and domestic violence. She has 25 years of experience helping people enrich the relationships that matter most! Visit her website!

* This post is excerpted from Chapter 6 of Leslie’s book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. The “We can decide...” quote: Alice Gray, Steve Stephens, and John Van Diest, comps., Lists to Live By: For Everything that Really Matters (Sisters, Oreg.: Multomah, 1999), 215.

How to Be Your Own 'Thought Police'

Gail Purath has a gift. She can share huge concepts in a minimal number of words. (This Attitude UPGRADE about negative thinking is actually a combination of two of her posts at 1-Minute Bible Love Notes.)

“When you let your mind wander,” Gail says, “where does it go?”

Oh my. I (Dawn) have such a difficult time lassoing my thoughts. Do you? I really need Gail’s challenging words.

She continues ….

I don’t want to tell you how often mine heads straight to dirty thoughts—not porno, but bitter memories or worries or self-pity. This is especially true when I’m going through a difficulty. 

Did you know we speak at a rate of 120 words a minute, but we think negative thoughts at 1300 words a minute?

That means our thoughts can bury us in a pit of self-despair 10 times faster than spoken words.

No wonder Scripture says:

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

In other words, you can be your own Thought Police!”

So many of my problems begin in my thoughts. I think the worst about a situation or dwell on the negatives. I decide something is hopeless or meaningless and conclude I can’t be happy unless it changes.

There’s a two-step answer to the dilemma: “… we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

1. Take your thoughts captive—make a conscious decision to quit thinking negatively.

2. Make your thoughts obedient to Christ—dwell on God’s Truth.

For example:

• God can bring good out of every situation. (Romans 8:28)
• God will never, ever, EVER leave me. (Hebrews 13:5b)
• Peace comes by dwelling on good things. (Philippians 4:8)
• And no matter what else happens, I can rejoice in my salvation! (Philippians 3:8-9)

What are some practical ways to fight these negative thoughts?

1. You might memorize Bible verses related to your struggle with negative thinking.
2. You might interrupt negative thoughts by counting your blessings.
3. You might praise God when negative thoughts come.

Remember, most battles are won or lost in our minds. Fight the good fight against negative thinking.

Where does your mind wander? Are you are struggling with negative thoughts? Ask the Lord to help you implement His two-step solution.

Gail Purath has been married to her best friend for 42 years, living the life of a nomad here on earth (40 homes in 62 years), looking forward to her heavenly home. Mother of two, grammy of seven, Gail writes about her joys, struggles, failures and victories in her short-but-powerful 1-Minute Bible Love Notes and shares a short Bible study each week on Bite Size Bible Study.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net