Bricks into Cathedrals

Sue Badeau is an amazing, caring woman. She loves to give children roots and wings. She and her husband are the lifetime parents of twenty-two children (two by birth and twenty through adoption). She knows a lot about “care-giving,” and I invited her to share some insights with us.

“As a caregiver, when you feel like you’re running into brick walls,” Sue says, “you’re well on the way to supporting healing and wholeness for your loved one.”

I have to tell you, I [Dawn] wept when I read this post. My own sister was a caregiver for my grandmother, and now she cares for my mom. I can’t wait to share this precious post with her.

Sue continues …

Caregiving is hard and may feel like there’s no end in sight. Whether caring for a child, spouse, sibling or aging parent coping with physical or mental challenges, grief or trauma, we need a hopeful vision.

A folktale challenges us to reframe our perspective:

A person on a journey came upon workers laying bricks. She stopped, asking the first, “What are you doing?”

“I’m laying bricks,” the first worker replied.

Not satisfied, she asked a second worker, “What are you doing?”

“I’m building a great and strong brick wall.”

Still seeking to better understand, the wayfarer asked a third worker, “What are you doing?”

The third worker responded with enthusiasm, “I’m building a soaring cathedral to last throughout time, drawing men and women to the glory of God."*

Laying bricks is important work. Each contributes to the whole. But don't focus solely on bricks. Upgrade your perspective. Today’s caregiving tasks are bricks helping the person you love to achieve his or her life purpose with dignity. Can you envision the sturdy wall you are building with today’s bricks?

Now, upgrade again. Stretch your vision to extend beyond the wall until you see the soaring cathedral. Are you able to enthusiastically and purposefully undertake your role contributing bricks, one-by-one, to the cathedral—even if it takes years or decades to complete? 

Effective parents and caregivers must have a soaring vision and then work towards this vision on a daily basis. 

“Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18).

Here are four tips for upgrading your life by developing and implementing cathedral visions to sustain you through the brick-laying work of parenting and caregiving:

(1) Imagine the future. What are all the hopes and possibilities for the child or person you are caring for? Engage the person him or herself in describing their own “cathedral.” Dream big!

(2) Place a visual representation of your “cathedral” to be seen daily. Whenever you’re discouraged, it’ll remind you of the cathedral you’re building! 

For example, one of our daughters was told she’d never walk due to cerebral palsy. She longed to dance. Her vision of dancing was her hope for a future of self-expression and independence. We placed a music box with a ballerina on top on her dresser. It was a visual reminder of the reason we slogged through difficult physical therapy (brick-laying) exercises.

(3) Break the vision into smaller components. Just as a cathedral-builder’s blueprint will include the layout of all necessary walls (See I Kings 6-7), for our daughter, components included learning to feed and dress herself, walk and climb stairs. 

(4) Prepare to make adjustments. Our daughter’s love for dance was the inspiration she—and we—needed to lay bricks for her to become the person God created her to be.

Today she is able to dance, but she is not defined as a dancer. Her cathedral changed as it soared to new heights. She is an independent adult, raising two children. The dance vision wasn’t the full cathedral, but it gave us all the perspective we needed to keep at it day after day.

Who are you caring for, laying bricks each day? Can you upgrade this to a Cathedral vision? (How about your own life—are you building a Cathedral?) Sue (and Dawn) would love to hear about your caregiving experiences.

Sue Badeau is a nationally known speaker, author, child welfare and trauma expert. Sue and her husband, Hector, are lifetime parents of twenty-two children, two by birth and twenty adopted. They wrote the book Are We There Yet: The Ultimate Road Trip Adopting and Raising 22 Kids. Learn more about Sue at suebadeau.com and badeaufamily.com. 

* Cathedral story adapted, author unknown. Photo of the cathedral taken by Sue Badeau.

Write a Thank You Note. Use Paper.

In this Relationships UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson writes about something we don't want to leave behind in our rush into more and more technology.

Don't get me wrong. I love the ease of Facebook and email. It's so easy to jot a quick "thank you" to friends and family.

But there's nothing like a handwritten note. I want to focus on that in this Relationship UPGRADE.

Writing thank you notes isn't just good for the recipient ... it's good for you!

Lawyer John Kralick's New Year's resolution in 2008 was to write one thank you note each day to family members, friends, co-workers, even his Starbucks barista! (His notes are recorded in the book 365 Thank Yous: The Year a Simple Act of Daily Gratitude Changed My Life.)

Kralik says,

"Things we write in cyberspace are so easily deleted and forgotten ... buried by the next 30 emails we recieve. In this day and age, a handwritten note is something that people really feel is special."

I once heard about a mom who kept a precious note in her Bible. She told friends she often read the note - written many years before - because, as she says, "It always encourages me when I think people don't appreciate me."

I began writing thank you notes years ago when I traveled with a revival team. Years later, I keep blank cards in my Bible and car. (You might also keep one in your purse. In my purse, it would likely get crushed!)

Kralik's 10 Tips for writing the "perfect" thank you note are helpful and practical. But I want to share just a few insights - Four Key Words that express what I've discovered through the years.

1. FOCUS. It's not about you.

A thank you note isn't written to impress someone or win their favor. People can read through that nonsense. Take time before you write to think about the person.

Why are you writing? Is it for a selfless reason? (Philippians 2:4) Is there something in a person's life you can highlight with praise? (Philippians 4:8)

And consider this: How can your thank you note focus on the Lord too - to glorify God? (1 Corinthians 10:31).

2. TIME. It's a gift.

It takes just a bit more time, perhaps, to write a handwritten note. You'll have to gather up a pen and paper or a special card (although Kralik wrote many of his on simple 3 x 5 cards). But treat your note as a special gift.

The recipient will, if he or she chooses, be able to hold it, store it, treasure it. It's worth your time.

In fact, it's one wise way to use your time, especially when you are encouraging those who do not know the Lord! (Colossians 4:5)

3. GRATITUDE. It is a "thank you" note, after all.

Allow the gratitude in your heart to pour out onto the paper. Christians have many reasons to be grateful (Ephesians 5:20). God is the ultimate foundation for our grateful spirit. We can learn to see opportunities to express gratitude to Him - in fact, why not write a thank you note to the Lord today and slip it in your Bible? And we can thank others in Jesus' name (Colossians 3:17).

Don't think it must be about material things or what a person has done for you. Consider how he or she  has touched your life ... an attitude you admire, a character quality that has motivated you, a perspective that changed your mind.

It may be something simple to you, but expressing gratitude for even little things can bless others.

We can give thanks to God in every situation, and it's a privilege to express our grateful heart to others (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

4. SIMPLICITY. Forget the "flowers," unless they're on the card.

While we can aim for a "word fitly spoken" (Proverbs 25:11), keep notes simple.

It's tempting to get flowery with words, but that's usually a sign of trying to impress, not to express.

So forget the phoney frills. Consider what you're grateful for and just say it. Add a simple "blessing" prayer or scripture, when appropriate. 

Aim to encourage (1 Thessalonians 5:11) and "give grace" with your words - especially to those who do not know the Lord (Ephesians 4:29b; Colossians 4:6).

You may never know, this side of heaven, how your note has blessed another soul.

Do you have a treasured thank you note? How did that note encourage you?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. In these ministries and as President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego), Dawn encourages, edifies and energizes women with  scripture so they can better enjoy life, bless others and honor God. Dawn and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Giving Up on Fairy Tales

There's so much to learn at Mary Carver's "Giving Up on Perfect" blog; but when I read about her approach to "fairy tale living," I knew she had to share an UPGRADE post with us.

"I fall into bed, exhausted, desperately wishing for more than two consecutive hours of rest," Mary says. "I drift off to sleep and a dreamland full of candlelit dinners, book deals, size 10 jeans and a wide porch with a mountain view. But too soon, I’m awake again."

I (Dawn) have had fairy tale dreams like that too! Only I dream of a cruise to Tahiti, a mansion on a hilltop, and the world's biggest chocolate brownie. (Oh yeah, in my dream, I shot my bathroom scale too.)

Mary continues ...

The baby is crying and demanding to be fed Right This Very Instant! I stumble into her room, shooing away longing for just a few more minutes of sleep. I look at my baby girl, smiling up from her changing table and so very happy to get attention in the middle of the night, and I imagine myself rocking her gently back to sleep and feeling only gratitude for these moments that—as they tell me—won’t last forever.

(They won’t last forever, right? RIGHT?)

My imagination might conjure up a peaceful Mom of the Year who treasures the opportunity to play another round of Go Fish, watch another episode of "Dora" and see three o’clock twice a day, but the reality is something quite different.

No matter what the fantasy (romantic dates, a gorgeous house, an effortless and uber-successful career, flawless parenting), it’s always unattainable. In fact, God says those who chase fantasies have no sense! (Proverbs 12:11b)

I always come up short—my LIFE always comes up short—when next to Fairy Tale Me.

Fairy Tale Me is calm and disciplined, creative and thoughtful. She never misses a deadline, forgets a birthday, ignores dirty dishes or yells at her children. And those things she bookmarks on Pinterest? She actually DOES them!

I can’t hate her for that, though, because she’s also funny and honest and friendly. She likes cool music and knows how to fix her hair, but she’s never snobby or shallow. Fairy Tale Me is AWESOME.

And, of course you know this, she’s also not real.

It’s foolish to spend my time and energy wishing to be someone other than who I am, and spending precious minutes imagining just how great it would feel to be that woman. But after a lifetime of writing fairy tales for my life—and believing that someday they might just come true—it’s hard to break the "once upon a time" habit.

Unfortunately, believing in fairy tales means comparing my real life to my dream life, expecting other people, other places, other situations to meet all my fantasies, and being disappointed by reality because it just doesn’t live up to the imaginary.

Maybe you’ve done those things, too?

Maybe you’ve been let down one too many times, tricked into thinking your wished-for life and made-up self is worth sacrificing the story God has written for you (Psalm 139:14; Philippians 1:6)? If so, you’re not alone. Let’s tackle these fairy tales together.

I’m confident that when we stare reality in the eye, hold it up to the Light and let go of a few childish dreams, we’ll be surprised and relieved to see that this life … this REAL LIFE … is better than we ever could have imagined, better than any fairy tale could have written, better than we ever dreamed.

I’ll go first.

• My house is tiny, but that means I can last-minute clean in less than an hour.
• I lose my patience and yell at my daughter more than I care to admit, but I let her smear my eyeshadow all over my face in her idea of a makeover.
• And I kind of hate craft projects (no matter what I file away on Pinterest), but sometimes I throw a great baby shower or make delicious cupcakes. 

Now it’s your turn. Give your fairy tales a rest for a moment and tell us about the beauty of your real life! What fairy tales can you release so you can embrace the wonderful real life God has prepared for you?

Mary Carver is a writer, church planter, wife and mom. She's also a recovering perfectionist who loves Jesus, her family and books, watches too much TV, and believes M&Ms are a love language. Mary writes about her imperfect life with humor and honesty, encouraging women to give up on perfect and get on with life at her positive, practical blog.

How to Stop Yelling at the Kids

Sheila Wray Gregoire, blogger at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, writes and speaks to strengthen marriages. She addresses marriage and intimacy issues, parenting and homeschooling. When I read her great ideas for moms who “lose it” with their kids,* I knew she’d be perfect for an Upgrade Your Parenting post.

“Question 1: Do you yell at your kids because you’re too busy?” Sheila asks.

Thinking back on my parenting years, I nod my head. Uh, huh—too busy. And Sheila addresses some other common reasons.

She continues …

Most of the time I yell it’s because I’m aggravated. And the reason I’m aggravated is because: (1) I have plans, and things to get done, and (2) other people aren’t getting with the program.

We yell because we think the real issue is #2. But what if it’s actually #1?

In many scenarios, the children are behaving perfectly normally. The problem is not that the children won’t get with the program; it’s that you have made decisions which make it virtually impossible for the children to cooperate.

It’s that what you’re asking them (and what you’re asking of yourself) may very well be unreasonable.

Take a look at the last three times you really yelled at your kids. What was going on? Were you in a hurry? What was your schedule like? Is there something YOU can do differently to prevent getting annoyed with everyone and everything?

Question 2: Do you yell at your kids because you’re afraid of something?

Anger is often a secondary emotion. We often feel anger because it’s “safer” to feel than some of the other emotions—insecurity, fear, guilt. So when someone pushes a button that triggers a “scary” emotion, we often react in anger, sometimes without realizing what the real trigger is.

The next time you find yourself yelling, ask yourself: what am I really feeling here? Am I scared of something? Am I feeling guilty about something? Pray about that feeling instead.

Question 3: Are you taking time to talk to your kids?

It seems as if you can never get any time alone, away from constant demands!

Here’s the truth: kids like to “check in” and know that they’re secure and safe. They know that when they have your undivided attention. If you can give your child some undivided attention throughout the day, even if it’s just in short spurts, they’re far more likely to let you have some of your own alone time later. Before you start something where you need the kids to leave you alone, take some one-on-one (or one-on-two) time with them. Make it a habit of giving your kids some attention before you need them to leave you in peace.

Question 4: Are you setting consequences for bad behavior, and letting the consequences do the work?

Yelling is not a punishment, yet when we’re mad, often the first thing we do is yell. Kids often learn to drown it out. You yell; you vent some steam; but nothing really changes.

It’s better to have consequences for bad behavior that are immediate, known, and obvious. When you start following through with consequences, kids usually start listening to you—and listening to the warning, better.

Question 5: Are you using a serious voice?

Have you ever noticed how little kids especially are more inclined to listen when dad says something? Dads have deeper, and thus scarier, voices. We moms have this sing-song voice. You’re likely using the same voice that you use for everyday conversation.

If you have something you really want your children to do, use a lower voice and fewer words. In a deep voice. Change your tone and issue a command; don’t make a statement. Let kids know you mean business, and it may not escalate. Kids need to know the difference between you talking to them and you asking them to do something.

Question 6: Are you letting God help you?

I want to reassure you that God wants to help. He doesn’t want you yelling at your precious children, since they are also His precious children. He says in Ephesians 4:29,

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

He also says we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. So when you feel weak, ask Him to help you be a great mother to these kids. Even this struggle can help bring you closer to God, and through that He can open the window onto some other things in your heart, and can help heal you and your whole family.

Which of the six questions do you need to work on? Do you have other suggestions to stop the yelling?

* NOTE: Adapted from Sheila’s complete post on this topic, including scenarios for each point. Visit her blog post at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Sheila Wray Gregoire is a syndicated colunist, blogger and speaker. The author of seven books, including How Big Is Your Umbrella and To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Sheila mixes humor and real-life stories to help women deal with the messy problems many of us face. She holds two Master's degrees from Queen's University, but says her real education has come as a wife to Keith and mother to Rebecca and Katie, who they homeschool and take on mission trips. Though Sheila is married to a physician, she still faints at the sign of blood! For more about Sheila, visit her website.

Your Ministry Needs You to Make Time to Rest - Part 2

Yesterday, Melissa Mashburn shared some warning signs so we can determine if we need more “rest” in our ministry. Melissa ended with these words:

“I, I, I...me, me, me. What I can do on my own, without leaning on God or listening to what He wants me to do next. When what we really need to do is just lay it all down and give it back to Him. It’s not ours anyways. It’s always been His."

Melissa continues today with some “steps to get ourselves back on track.”

She says …

When you see yourself showing some of those signs that you are past due for some rest, here are three things you can do to help get back on track.

1. The first thing I do when I can tell that I haven’t made rest a priority is PRAY.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me (Psalm 51:10, ESV).

You can’t move forward on your own, so by inviting God to renew your spirit you have just humbled yourself before Him; and then, and only then, can you start to hear His will more clearly.

2. If you have hurt, offended or snapped at anyone because you’ve gone too long without rest, then stop and take a moment to go to that person and ask for forgiveness.

It is not always easy, but it is the right thing to do-for you, for them, and for your ministry.

3. Pull out your calendar—go ahead, grab it now while you are thinking about it—and schedule time to rest. I know, it might sound silly, but we schedule everything else, why not schedule in time to rest.

Rest looks different for different people.

Take some time to seek out what kind of rest you need:

• Sleep
• A good book
• A day at the spa
• An afternoon out shopping with your friends
• A day where you stay in your PJ’s all day
• Or time to work out and have some "you time"

Get it on the calendar now. Start small, but start.

Your ministry needs you to make time to rest. You can’t go at full speed all the time in ministry, it’s just not sustainable for the long haul.

Let’s look to the only One who lived a perfect life—Jesus. Even He took time to rest, to pull away, to seek solitude ... and He was Jesus!

Sweet friends, we have a lot of ministry left to do. Which of those signs that you are past due to rest resonated the most with you? What does rest look like for you?

You are doing a great work, but don’t forget that He is still doing a great work in you too. Make time to rest and your ministry will be all the better for it.

Oh yeah, there will still be stuff to do, things left uncrossed off your to-do list; but girl, this isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon and God has so much more in store for you.

What has God taught you about the kind of rest you need in ministry? Which of Melissa's three suggestions would make the biggest difference for you ... right now?

Melissa Mashburn is a southerner transplanted in South Florida. She’s been married 21 years to her best friend, Matt, and they have two teenage sons. Melissa’s heart is to encourage women to live with an authentic faith in their everyday, ordinary lives. Real Women. Real Life. Real Faith. is the heartbeat of her writing and ministry. Melissa is a pastor's wife and the Kids, Women's and Volunteer Ministry Director at her local church. As a speaker and author, she says she love “every crazy minute of ministry life.” You can find Melissa online at her blog and on Facebook.