Reframing What 'Drives You Nuts' in Marriage

I "met" Laurie Wallin on a post at The M.O.M. Inititative, and had to laugh when I saw the title of her book, Why Your Weirdness Is Wonderful. My kind of author, I thought. I asked Laurie to share two posts. This first post, a Marriage UPGRADE, addresses how we can deal with "quirks" in marriage.

"When our quirks clash with someone else’s," Laurie said, "asking the right questions can take that relationship beyond survival mode to thriving mode."

A personal story about burned biscuits come to mind, but I [Dawn] will save that for a post of my own. Suffice it to say, I had to learn to dwell with my husband according to knowledge, and learn how to be kind and prudent! (Ephesians 4:32; Proverbs 8:12)

Laurie continues ...

Years ago, my husband walked into the kitchen when he got home from work and said something that almost blew up our marriage: “Honey, let’s rearrange the kitchen cabinets. What if we put the glasses in this one? And—”

The spatula whizzing by his face interrupted him.

Wiping my hair out of my new-mom, when-was-my-last-shower face, I took mental inventory: dinner on the stove, preschool World Wrestling Federation ensuing, a crying baby wrapped in a sling around my torso, and the man wants to add a task to my life? His suggestion seemed so insensitive, so clueless, so hurtful to a mom of two then foster kids who was still trying to figure out which way was up.

It was that tense place where my love for knowing and living our personal strengths was born.

On the recommendation of a friend that same week, I’d done some reading and work to figure out my strengths. And that’s when the miracle happened: I realized my husband must have strengths too! (Yeah, I know. How can that be, with the comment about the cabinets?)

But it was true. And that moment—that realization—saved my marriage. It opened my eyes to the two questions that can make any relationship great:

• What strength is my partner trying to live right now?
• How can I see it so we’re on the same team? (What did that look like practically?)

To start, I had to figure out which one of my quirks was annoyed at which one of his. By following my resentment trail, I found the culprit. Each time he brainstormed ideas and shared them with me, I was automatically thinking, I have to do that. Right now.

That response revealed the offended quirk: my “get ’er done” strength. It was mistranslating his think-of-ideas strength as a demand and a plan of action. On top of it all, my make-a-difference strength was offended because when he offered a suggestion for organizing the kitchen, I was hearing that as “You aren’t a good organizer for our family.”

From there, away I went on the crazy train!

That’s where the second step came in. I asked myself, How can I see it so we’re back on the same team? Even asking the question put me in a posture of noticing and working with our commonalities instead of being run over by our differences. Turns out if I asked him, “Is this a fully baked [that is, get ’er done] idea? Or is it still pondering?” his ideas didn’t get on my nerves nearly as often!

It shocked me how many times he answered the latter, and I realized how often my get-it-done assumption was getting us in trouble. Over time, I learned to relax when he thought out loud, to see it as his mind and heart working as God designed: a beautiful gift of creativity and imagination.

When our quirks clash with someone else’s, asking the right questions can take that relationship beyond survival mode to thriving mode.

Next time your spouse’s quirks rub you the wrong way, isn’t it worth holding off throwing that spatula long enough to ask these questions that help the “yours, mine, and ours” weirdness to be wonderful together?

Which of your spouse’s quirks most often clash with your own? How might you use the questions above to shift from “me versus you” to “us versus issue” next time conflict arises?

NOTE: To enter a 5/16/14 drawing for Laurie's book, Why Your Weirdness Is Wonderful:  (1) Share how God helped you overcome your own marriage quirk ... OR (2) share how you and your spouse (or co-worker or friend) learned to operate in each other's strengths (for better teamwork).

Laurie Wallin is a Christian speaker and certified Life Coach. She's helped women worldwide regain joy and confidence by letting go of energy drainers and using their God-inspired strengths.  Her new book is Why Your Weirdness Is Wonderful. Laurie, her husband and their four daughters make their home in San Diego.

How to Bless Your Mother-in-Law

Deb DeArmond's new book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice, captured my attention. I knew she'd be perfect for this relationship UPGRADE!

“Take my mother-in-law ... please!” garnered laughs for a once-famous comedian," Deb said, "but if you tried to take mine, I’d have to hogtie you, Texas style!"

I (Dawn) call my husband's mom my "Mother-in-Love." She is truly a treasure. I know there are some Mother-in-Law (MIL) / Daughter-in-Law (DIL) relationships that are a constant struggle, but I do believe any relationship can improve if even one of the women is willing to love, be patient, forgive and render blessings. 

So I really appreciate Deb's "blessing" tips for DILs. (Read her book for the other half of the equation!)

Deb continues ...

You heard me. Unhand her. She belongs to me.

The woman who raised the man of my dreams is a gift in my life.

“Wait! Stop!” I hear you cry. “Isn’t that your mother-in-law?”

Yes, indeed. The woman who nurtured a boy into the man of God I’ve loved for 40 years is one of the great gifts I got in this package deal when we married at age 19. When you do the math, she’s been my back-up-mama for 66% of my life.

Who needs two mothers? I did, and I’ll be you do too. Each taught me so much, and each lesson was unique to the woman involved. My mom’s been gone for many years. How good of God to create this bonus plan!

Mother’s Day is fast approaching, and even if you are not as close as my MIL and I, it’s a great time to let her know you appreciate her.

After all, without her, you might have married Ernie. You remember Ernie, don’t you? So let her know you are grateful for the role she played in the life of your man.

Here are a few tips to bless her:

1. Plan a special MIL/DIL day. What would she enjoy? Pedicures and lunch at a favorite spot? A trip to a local public garden? Tea at that cute antiques shop?

Matching her interests with your plans communicates your care and interest in her.

2. Write her a note or card. Handwritten notes, not emails, were the favored way to share heartfelt sentiments among the generations before ours. The surprise of a card in the mailbox is a fun way to let her know she’s special to you.

Whether she lives across town or across the country—everybody loves real mail. And get your kids to sign some “to my Gigi” cards, too. She’ll display them proudly for her friends to see when they visit.

3. Thank her for the special man her son is.

Motherhood sometimes goes unacknowledged—especially for boy mamas. Men may be less aware of the impact Mom had in his life and forget to express their appreciation. She invested her life and energy in raising him—and then had to hand him off when he was just becoming the man she’d envisioned all those years.

Tell her what you appreciate most about him. Be specific about the qualities and characteristics as husband, father and friend she helped build. Share some examples that will make her button-busting proud.

4. Ask for her advice. When you ask someone to share their insights and ideas, you are acknowledging they’ve done a good job.

What tips might she be able to offer you about being a great wife? What suggestions does she have in dealing with your rebellious teenage daughter?

So this year, let your mother-in-law know just how much credit she deserves in your happiness! Someday, if not already, you too will be part of some young woman’s package deal.

Sow the seeds of blessing now.

So, what’s your plan to make this a Mother’s Day she’ll never forget?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her recent book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between moms and the girls who marry their sons. Deb and her husband, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic in text, adapted: Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Counter Lies about Anger

Leslie Vernick is a counselor, coach, author and speaker who loves to enrich people’s relationships. In this post, she addresses the lies people believe about anger.

“Anger is a normal part of being a human being,” she says, “but it can be a dangerous emotion and has the potential to wreck our relationships and our lives.”

I (Dawn) thought I never had an "anger issue" because I don't blow up. But the Lord showed me I can be angry under the surface. It shows up in bitterness, resentment and a host of other attitudes that are just as ugly as ungodly external anger.

Leslie continues …      

Here are the four most common lies about anger, and God’s countering truth.

1.   When I feel angry, I must let it all out.

Too much damage has been done to people we love by blurting out angry feelings in the moment of their greatest intensity. Doing this might provide some sort of relief but it is never beneficial to the hearer or the relationship. 

Proverbs 12:18 says reckless words pierce like a sword, and Proverbs 29:11 warns us, "Only a fool gives full vent to his anger."

Better ways to get some relief from intense anger are to journal or pray your honest emotions to God. 

2.    Other people or provoking situations make me angry. 

We say things like, “You make me so mad!” or “If you wouldn’t have done that, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Difficult people or situations don’t MAKE us angry, although they do tempt us. What really happens when we encounter these kinds of people is that they expose us.  Jesus tells us, “It is out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

Start to listen to your internal self-talk when you feel angry. For example, “I can’t believe this is happening to me” or “they can’t get away with this.” 

Start to understand what the real problem is that’s causing our anger to escalate. Our own thought life. Calm yourself down (with different self talk and God’s Word).

3.    I’m entitled to use my anger to get what I want—if what I want is a good thing.

Anger motivates us and helps us to speak up against wrong, as well as take action to fight against injustice and evil in our world. Because it is such a powerful force however, the apostle Paul warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Most of the time what we want is permeated with self-centered desires. James 4:1 asks us what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among us? He says it comes because we’re not getting what we want.

The Bible tells us not to merely look out for our own interests (what we want), but also the interests of others (Philippians 2:4).

4.    I have always had a bad temper and this is just the way I am. I can’t change.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he not only redeems us but he restores us. He changes us. The deeper problem that causes your anger is what needs to change.

Romans 8:5 says, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires.”

When God changes our heart, it’s not that we never get angry, but we no longer want to use our anger as a weapon to demand our own way, prove our point or make sure everyone knows we’re right. We don’t want to hold onto grudges, nurse resentment or harbor bitterness in our heart. Instead we want to forgive and reconcile.

I want to look out for the interests of others because I care about them and therefore I hold my anger in check when I’m not getting what I want and weigh that with what others might want or need.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger (or a woman’s anger) does not produce the righteous life that God desires (James1:19-20)

What triggers your anger? Have you believed any of these lies about emotionally-destructive anger?

Leslie Vernick is a national and international speaker, author, licensed clinical social worker, consultant and relationship coach with an expertise on the subjects of personal and spiritual growth, marriage improvement, conflict resolution, depression, child abuse, destructive relationships and domestic violence. She has 25 years of experience helping people enrich the relationships that matter most! Visit her website!

Graphic in Text, adapted: Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

4 Tips for Being a Fun, Faithful Grandparent

I'm always amazed by how much truth Gail Purath can pack into her 1-Minute Bible Love Notes posts. But I also know she is a loving grandma, and I asked her to share this relationship UPGRADE. (NOTE: If you are not a grandma or even a mother, consider how you might apply Gail's counsel to a mentoring sitution.)

"Six-week-old Emma had never said anything clever nor done anything noble or good," Gail said. "She required constant care and gave nothing tangible in return. But whenever I held her in my arms, I was overcome with love for my very first grandchild."

Almost any grandparent will identify with that. I (Dawn) have three granddaughters and they mean the world to me. I'm always looking for fun projects to do with them, but also for ways to build a legacy.

Gail continues ... 

We experience this love as parents, but experiencing it with our children’s children is doubly sweet. It helps us understand God’s love in new ways and gives us an awesome mission in our senior years.

We might paraphrase Ephesians 2:10:

“We are grandparents by God’s design, created in Christ Jesus to be fun and faithful, doing those things God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Six times since Emma's birth, my arms have held a new grandchild. And in my ten years as a "grammy" I've learned some things I'd love to pass along to make your grandparenting more fun and faithful:

1. Share Your Talents

Whether you're good at cooking, sewing, music, gardening, athletics or woodworking, you have something to share.

One thing I love doing is baking my signature cinnamon rolls with my grandchildren. They love getting their hands in the dough, and we end up with cinnamon and flour everywhere.

But the mess is part of the memory, and we all have a good time.

2. Share Your Faith

This may be the most important evangelism you do in your entire life, so ask God for creative ways to do it.

Last year I had an after-school "Bible Club" for my two oldest granddaughters, and this year I started reading Christian missionary biographies with my ten-year-old granddaughter. What  wonderful opportunities we've had to discuss the Lord together.

3. Pray for Your Grandchildren

Your age, experience and love give you special wisdom in praying specifically for your grandchildren’s hearts and lives.

Many throughout history have been influenced by the lives and prayers of their grandparents—Timothy, for one (2 Timothy 1:5). This aspect of our grandparenting can't be overestimated.

4. Be Available and Have Fun

Grandparents usually have more time than parents. Even if you're still working full time, you have fewer dependent family members to keep you busy.

It’s true that age steals some of our energy, but reserving some of that energy for our grands is well worth it.

One afternoon my six-year-old granddaughter Gracie asked if she could come to my house while her mom went to the gym.

"I don't know if Grammy wants to babysit today," my daughter cautioned.

"Oh, Grammy doesn't babysit me," Gracie insisted, "We just hang out together."

If you haven’t learned it yet, it’s high time to learn the art of just “hangin’ out.” Enjoy your “second childhood” by rolling on the floor, being silly, playing with paper dolls, and riding bikes. Grandchildren are wonderful playmates.

Yes, grandparenting is more than an awesome responsibility; it’s an awesome opportunity to love and be loved, an opportunity to share our gifts, our faith, our prayers, our lives, and our creativity with our children's children. Let's make the most of it!

What are some special things you've done with a grandchild to create some God-honoring memories?

Gail Purath has been married to her best friend Michael for 42 years, living the life of a nomad here on earth (40 homes in 62 years), looking forward to her heavenly home. She is the mother of two and "grammy" of seven—three boys and four girls (ages 2-10). Gail writes about her joys, struggles, failures and victories in her short-but-powerful 1-Minute Bible Love Notes and shares a short Bible study each week on Bite Size Bible Study. Gail writes about her joys, struggles, failures and victories in her short-but-powerful 1-Minute Bible Love Notes and shares a short Bible study each week on Bite Size Bible Study.

Linked to these blog hops:

Modest Mom

Time Warp Wife

Raising Homemakers

Grandma's Briefs

Parents: Choose to Diffuse the Battle

After I read an excerpt from Cindi McMenamin’s new book on inspiring daughters, I asked her to share some tips on dealing with parenting “battles.”

“Are you tired of living on a battlefield when it comes to raising your children?” Cindi asks. “Does it seem like every time you turn around there's an argument brewing?” 

I [Dawn] recently watched an angry mom struggling with her son's belligerance at Wal-Mart. She mimicked his attitude rather than responding to it. She needed this UPGRADE Your Parenting wisdom!

Cindi continues …

As I was writing my book, When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, I included some practical ways we can choose our battles wisely and also diffuse some battles so we're not constantly in a warzone with our children. 

But I realized recently, that these peace-making principles can apply to ANY relationship. That's probably because our battles can be intensified or diffused altogether based on how we—as wives, moms, and girlfriends—choose to react.

Whether you're going head-to-head with your teenager, husband, difficult family member, or anyone else, these steps can help you bring calm to an otherwise chaotic situation:  

1. Don't Overreact. It's easy for some of us to think the worst and overreact to a situation. To react emotionally, rather than rationally and maturely, tends to escalate a discussion into a battle.

This is where James 1:19 is so appropriate, especially in the heat of the battle:

"But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;  for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."

2. Don't Lose Your Cool.  Our volume and energy level can escalate or eliminate a battle in the making.

After many situations of completely blowing it in this area with my daughter when she was a teenager, I have learned to say a quick prayer in the heat of the moment: "God, help me to respond in a way that will bring about a gentle and loving response from her."

When I put the emotional thermometer in my lap and make it my responsibility, it's amazing how well that will diffuse or eliminate a battle, altogether.  

3. Don't Let Your Pride Get in the Way. If you find you are in a "fighting all the time" phase with a child, spouse, or someone else, it may be that another issue is involved.

I learned early on in my marriage that if I am triggered into an argument or a defensive position, there is likely an issue of pride at stake.

• Unhealthy pride. The kind that says "Who are YOU to talk to ME that way?"
• Pride also says "I am not going to let this person think this way about me."
• Pride can also rear its ugly head when we think: I've had it. I'm not going to take this anymore!

I'm not talking about responding to issues of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. I am talking about discussions or arguments that go sour because our feathers get ruffled and our pride gets hurt.

I'm talking about dying to self and the desire to protect our image at all costs.

It takes a great amount of trust in God to give up our need to defend ourselves and leave our reputation in God's hands. He sees our hearts, He knows our motives, and He can protect our name. After all, if we are following and identifying ourselves with Him, then His name is our name. And He is perfectly capable of taking care of His own.

Can you take one—or all—of these steps today and diffuse a battle that is knocking at your door?

Cindi McMenamin is a national women's conference and retreat speaker and the author of a dozen books, including When Women Walk Alone (more than 120,000 copies sold), When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, and When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, upon which this article is based. For more on her books and ministry, or to download free resources to strengthen your marriage, parenting, or individual walk with God, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic in text: adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net