Is Your 'Valentine-Love' Maturing?

Joan Webb, a recovering workaholic and perfectionist, continually communicates a message of freedom and renewal. In this special Valentine UPGRADE, she shares one way to bring freedom to our relationships.

“Ahhh. It’s LOVE week,” Joan says. “All is well. Or is it?

In my 40 years of marriage, I (Dawn) discovered healthy relationships require both SPACE and GRACE!

We learn to practice the one anothers of scripture—like “Be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving toward one another” Ephesians 4:32)—and we give our partner room to grow.

Joan continues …

If you’re like some lovers, you may sense that one or both of you are trying too hard to control how the other one expresses love. Instead of increasing intimacy, it pushes you apart.

So what’s up?

Okay, no one is perfectly loving 24/7. Yet, you can grow in your Valentine-Relationship when you both commit to developing these God-honoring characteristics:

1. Allow for individuality.

Differing talents or temperaments do not threaten true love. Feelings and thoughts can be expressed without fear.

2. Avoid trying to change the other.

We may not like everything about our partner, yet when we consider the total picture we are able to be more accepting.

3. Care with detachment.

Healthy love cares, listens, and responds; yet does not try to fix or remove the uncomfortable feelings of the lover.

4. Affirm equality of self and partner.

A mature relationship treats the partners as equals. There is no sense of competition or one-upmanship.

When you practice mature love, you accept what the other person is able or willing to give.

You allow each other space to grow and develop. 

Perhaps you could pray this prayer: 

“Lord, teach me to love authentically…with joy and fun. I don’t wish to make inappropriate demands—and force my own way. Help me to be honest about what I want. And also listen to understand my mate’s needs and desires. You had a good idea when You created romantic love. Thank you.”

Although no one is perfect, which one of the four points could use some work in your own relationship?

Joan C. Webb is a speaker and author who has written thirteen books including The Intentional Woman (co-authored with Carol Travilla), The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make It Just Right and a four book devotional series for children. As a Life Coach who specializes in working with writers and communicators, Joan helps set people free to become who they were designed to be and from what holds them back. For more information about becoming an intentional woman, visit Joan's website. 

Graphic Adapted: Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Are You Flirting with Burnout or Action Addiction?

Joan Webb encourages women to breathe. She knows the stress our constant struggle for perfection can do to harm us, as she notes in this Attitude UPGRADE.

“Have you dreamed of slowing down,” Joan says, “but keep hearing your internal-bully whisper, ‘There’s no stinkin’ way you can do that!’”

      

Oh my. Joan, you’ve nailed one of my (Dawn’s) personal struggles. And you are pointing us to our true source of help.

Joan continues …

Perhaps you’re one of many in service-related careers or ministries who are on the fast track to burnout.

Just in case you wondering, here’s a good definition of burnout. 

Burnout is the type of stress and emotional fatigue that occurs when a series of (or combination of) events in a relationship, mission, way of life or job fail to produce an expected result.

Awareness is an important step in changing this self-defeating lifestyle of overworking, overdoing, over-helping and over-committing.

The following questionnaire can help you identify your need:

• Do you have a difficult time relaxing?
• Are you crankier than you used to be–even though you try hard to keep it to yourself?
• Do you rush from one project to another?
• Are you tired on an ongoing basis?
• Do you feel increasingly depressed, anxious or hopeless?
• Are you increasingly angry and don’t know why?
• Do you spend less time with friends and family or in doing what you previously enjoyed?
• Do you work hard and long, but accomplish less?
• Is life (and/or your ministry) becoming a drag?

If you answered “yes” to several of these, you may be headed in the opposite direction of real life.

I know the prospect of changing is frightening and overwhelming, yet there is a way. Really.

The Bible says, “He [God] gives strength to the weary … those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength” (Isaiah 40:29, 31).

I felt positive that my commitment to hard work would bring me what I desired and was flabbergasted when I ran out of energy, enthusiasm and faith. Disillusioned, I asked: “Is there any hope for renewal?”

“Yes, Joan! Assured my loving Creator. “Though you stumble, you’ll one day soar on wings like an eagle, run and not grow weary, walk and not faith. Trust Me. I’ll renew your lost strength.”

I didn’t feel it or foresee it. I didn’t even have the strength to believe it, but since I couldn’t do it anymore, I stopped trying and left my stuff with God.

Miraculously, when I stopped striving, God took over.

There is HOPE … in the Lord.

(1) Admit your need.

(2) Ask God for guidance and insight.

(3) Seek help and resources.

(4) Take active steps to reshape your thoughts and behavior.

Then show someone you love (preferably a healthy, supportive person!) your responses to the questionnaire, above. Get honest, and then don’t back down.

God honors truth-telling, even if that truth—the reality facing you—feels negative.

There is life on the other side of burnout!

What do you do, where do you go—who do you seek—when you’re experiencing burnout? Have you sought the Lord, the source of hope?

Joan C. Webb is a speaker and author who has written thirteen books including The Intentional Woman (co-authored with Carol Travilla), The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make It Just Right and a four book devotional series for children. As a Life Coach who specializes in working with writers and communicators, Joan helps set people free to become who they were designed to be and from what holds them back. For more information about becoming an intentional woman, visit Joan's website.

Note: Part of this post is an excerpt from It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life, p. 24.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Create a Grace-Filled Christmas

Joan Webb is a Word-saturated, intentional woman of God. In this Holiday UPGRADE, she explores how practicing grace might help us during the Christian season.

 "While preparing for this gift-giving season, I asked myself—and God—two questions (at different times)," Joan said.  

"First: What is Christmas to me?

"Second: What would it mean to enjoy a grace-filled' holiday?"

This sounds like an invitation to freedom to me (Dawn). I'm going to sit at Joan's feet a few minutes and learn from her wisdom.

Joan continues ...

Regarding question #1, I wrote the following in my journal:

To me Christmas is:

1. Jesus—knowing Him intimately and learning what He meant when He said, "I came that you might have abundant life."

2. Loving God, and walking and talking with Him daily.

3. Experiencing God the Father, God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Spirit in the midst of earth's daily imperfection and chaos.

"Sooooo, every day is Christmas to me," I concluded.

And then it dawned on me that this reality—that every day is Christmas for me—has caused me to "lighten up" my unrealistic expectations for celebrating Christmas. It's been more an internal shift than an outward one.

I've released some of the intense "shoulds and have tos and musts" that society, the media, the church, my inner bully and others (who appear to have it all together) tell me (or at least hint) that I NEED to do. 

In my heart, I now know I don't have to cram all my giving, caring, doing, gratitude, merriment, music, celebrations, goodwill, and spirituality into the four to five concentrated weeks of Christmas holidaying.

Regarding Question #2:

I read about the original meaning of the word "grace" used in the Bible to tell us about the Christ of Christ-mas. This "grace" is the direct opposite of "works." In fact the two are mutually exclusive.

All my "trying too hard to make it all just right" at Christmas (or any other time) is the antithesis of grace.

When I truly accept God's grace (or favor) in Christ, I'm able to be grace-ful with myself and others. We can be thankful for this wonderful grace:

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. ... From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ" (John 1:14-17).

I shared this practical grace example with some women at the beginning of December one year. A mom with four little kids got so excited that she began thinking of ways to "grace" herself and her family during the Christmas season.

One practical thing she did was to relax her expectations for how her artificial tree would be decorated. When she put it together, she didn't have time to "fluff" up the branches, so she let it go—and allowed the kids to decorate anyway!

All very smile-able.

How will you "grace" yourself and your loved ones this Christmas season?

Joan C. Webb is a speaker and author who has written thirteen books including The Intentional Woman (co-authored with Carol Travilla), The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make It Just Right and a four book devotional series for children. As a Life Coach who specializes in working with writers and communicators, Joan helps set people free to become who they were designed to be and from what holds them back. For more information about becoming an intentional woman, visit Joan's website.

How to Cultivate Awe-titude

Joan C. Webb  is an intentional woman, and you can be an intentional woman too! In this Attitude UPGRADE, she shares a word she created that can help us all live more positive lives.

 “‘Thank you, Lord!’ I prayed. Yet my words,” Joan said, “felt inadequate to express what I thought about my joy-filled reality. While journaling, the coined word AWE-TITUDE plopped through my pen onto the page. Awe-titude—where awe and gratitude merge!”

Don’t you love that? When I saw this awesome word on Joan’s Facebook page, I (Dawn) knew she had to share it with our UPGRADE readers.

Joan continues …

I had sensed God by His Spirit whispering these shocking words, "Joan, ENOUGH! I'm not asking for more." (For a recovering perfectionistic over-achiever, this caused a “nice, but” war within me.)

Perhaps to assure me He wasn’t finished with me yet, God added, "Joan, the rest will be icing, so sweet. I’ve heard your heart’s longing to attend Bible School again. You’re right, it will take a miracle."

Why? Because I was a woman—too old, too un-credentialed and without the money or moral support I imagined I needed for such a thing.

Yet here I sat, thanking God for the miracle: I had been accepted at Phoenix Seminary. Awe-titude explained how I felt: In awe of who God is and what He had done for me; grateful that He’d moved me beyond disappointment and shame to thanksgiving joy.

I realize you may not identify with my particular life-long dream; but I share, trusting that God will connect you with your own story.

When Dawn first asked me to write on cultivating awe-titude, I started a mental list of various ways a woman could nurture a fertile place for awe-titude to germinate within her. Here are two effective ideas:

Idea #1. Cultivate an attitude of awe by intentionally naming the Lord’s numerous attributes, using the alphabet as a springboard.

I may pray “You are Almighty; Beautiful; Compassionate; My Defender; Everlasting; Forgiving; … Just … Wonderful. Reflecting on His awe-inspiring characteristics, my heart expands.

Idea #2. Utilize this three-part exercise regularly to cultivate the habit of gratitude.

(1) Jot down one personal acknowledgement. If you’re like me, you pray for God to change you and then often neglect to acknowledge when He does. Writing something like “I’m grateful I responded calmly instead of yelling at the kids today” helps soften your soul.

(2) Acknowledge another (spouse, child, parent, friend) by writing one way you’re thankful for him/her such as “I’m grateful that __________ did ___________.

(3) Name five things for which you’re grateful like your new pen, today’s sunshine, your job, God’s protection in traffic.

Even as I prepared the list, I realized there is no exact prescription for cultivating awe-titude. We don’t make it happen.

During the last few months my sense of awe-titude began to fade. I asked God about it and He surprised me with this thought: “Joan, you’re neglecting self-care.” I was overly-busy, working and studying without breaks. It affected my mental/emotional/physical/spiritual well-being.

I admit going back to school after 45 years (in addition to my normal ministry load) created a steep learning curve. It reminds me of other life transitions that are both awe-titude-producing and challenging: new motherhood, marriage, moving, starting a new job.

 Awe-titude is a gift God plants within us. We have the privilege of nourishing it.

Both the blessing of enjoyment and the capacity to enjoy are God’s gifts to us. Sometimes we experience awe-titude vividly. Sometimes it fades a little. That’s when we can accept God’s grace anew and give ourselves the “white space” of rest/relaxation and the time we need to “Be still [drop our arms, admit we’ve done enough at the moment] and pause to nourish the awe-titude seeds God has planted within us. (Psalm 46:10)  

This week, how will you nourish the seedling-gift of awe-titude that God has planted within you? Could you be sabotaging the cultivation of awe-titude in your life? How? Will you accept God’s grace anew and practice awe-titude?

Joan C. Webb is a speaker and author who has written thirteen books including The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make It Just Right, The Intentional Woman and a devotional titled It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. As a Life Coach who specializes in working with writers and communicators, Joan helps set people free to become who they were designed to be and from what holds them back. For more information about her books, services and teaching, visit www.joancwebb.com.

Graphic image, adapted, Image courtesy of scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Becoming an Intentional Woman

Joan C. Webb believes in the power of a woman’s story. In this powerful post, she shares how you can become an intentional woman—embracing who you are and making choices to fit God’s design for your life.

“‘If I live intentionally, being true to my own personality, serving out of my God-given giftedness and calling, I’ll no longer feel the urge to envy another woman’s marriage, ministry, talents or work.’ As I jotted this ‘aha’ into my journal,” Joan said, “my shoulders relaxed.”

Joan has given me and other women many “aha” moments, but I was curious about this “aha” that changed her life and ministry.

She continues …

Believing this “aha” gradually transformed my life. Although I rarely voiced envy, secretly I felt disappointed that others had fulfilled their dreams (or so I assumed) but I hadn’t. I longed to live out the secret desires that God had planted deep within my heart.

Yet I felt trapped. My life revolved around working hard and making others happy and satisfied, especially my husband. I didn’t want anyone (including God) to call me “selfish” for taking time and energy to nurture my own interests and gifts. People-pleasing and over-doing gave way to my burnout.

I prayed, “Lord, show me who I am now, and who I can become—the person You had in mind when You created me.”

I wanted to be intentional, instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to whatever happened.

I didn’t realize it initially, but God answered my prayer through a re-usable process that has helped other caring women like you. I invite you into this intentional journey:

Step One: Come As You Are Today. Ask yourself three awareness questions:

• What is good about my life right now?
• What concerns me about my life right now?
• What is missing in my life right now?

Step Two: Celebrate Your Yesterdays. Realize that:

• Every woman has a story written with the multi-colored pens of her experiences, relationships, pain, disappointments, choices, failures and successes. 
• There is power in your story and you maximize that power when you partner with God.
• You can courageously remember and celebrate past experiences, learning to appreciate God’s goodness in developing your unique life script.

Step Three: Commit It All to God.

• Embrace Ephesians 2:10: For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:10, NLT)
• Assess your God-given personality traits.
• Surrender your present, past, temperament, and gifts to Christ.

 Step Four: Consider Your Choices. Understand that:

• You live in an age of over-choice.
• Without acknowledging the roles (including your Child of God and Self-Care Manager roles) that you’re attempting to manage currently, you’ll find it hard to be objective about your needs.
• Discovering your current stressors and supports in each role will help you make intentional choices to relieve your overwhelm.

Step Five: Clarify Your Next Steps. You:

• Pinpoint one intentional action you want to take.
• Pray for wisdom.
• Picture your desired outcome.
• Plan how you’ll achieve it.
• Act. Set a date for implementation. Share your decision with a safe person. Step out with God to make the change.

The key reason for living intentionally is to glorify God as the person He created you to be. I love that, because it is doable and reasonable.

What He has for me fits me—and what He designed for you fits you.

What intentional decision have you been avoiding—and how can you be intentional this week? What loving encouragement is God whispering to you right now?

Joan C. Webb is a speaker and author who has written thirteen books including The Intentional Woman (co-authored with Carol Travilla), The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make It Just Right and a four book devotional series for children. As a Life Coach who specializes in working with writers and communicators, Joan helps set people free to become who they were designed to be and from what holds them back. For more information about becoming an intentional woman, visit www.intentionalwoman.com